Miles to Go (15 page)

No Such Thing as a Hate Song

P
rince Charming and I broke up on December 19, 2007. The hardest day ever. My life felt like it had ground to a halt, but the rest of the world kept right on rolling. I was on tour. People were counting on me, but my head—no, my heart—was dizzy.

I’ve always used words to connect with people, and I’ve always felt that if I just let the words flow, just said what came to me, it would be from the heart and I would be understood. The day before the tour ended I wrote ten pages, front and back, about why I loved Prince Charming, how I would wait for him, why we needed to be together. When I love someone, I love them with everything in me. But when the love’s not there anymore, what do you do?

Deep down I knew we weren’t being our best selves. And that was what I wanted—and thought I deserved—in a relationship. To be my best self and to bring out the best in someone else.

But still . . .

I was angry when I wrote “7 Things I Hate about You.” I wanted to punish him, to get him back for hurting me. It starts with a list of what I “hate,”
(you're vain, your games, you're insecure)
but I’m not a hater. My heart knew from the start that it was going to turn into a love song. Why does he get a love song? Because I don’t hate him. I won’t let myself hate anybody. That’s not the way my heart works. It’s a song about how I should hate him but I don’t, and I don’t know why. It’s a song about forgiving, not forgetting.

There’s a big difference between knowing and feeling. Here’s what I know
(so far)
: I know I’m “only sixteen.” I know that most people when they’re older look back on when they were sixteen and think, “Man, I didn’t know anything back then.” I know that what I want, what I look for in a boyfriend, is bound to change a lot, because I know I’ve got a lot of changes ahead of me still. I know all that. I really do.

Here’s what I feel:
It’s hard to imagine that our love is a story with an end
. But you know, at least I’m getting some really good songs out of it.

Another Angel

M
y friend Vanessa was very ill.
(Remember? The sick little girl who looked like Ariel?)
They were saying it was only a matter of hours. But I was in denial. When I called the hospital hoping to hear that she was on an upswing, because that’s what I wanted to believe, her parents told me, “Miley, she died.”

I couldn’t process it. She was dead? But she was so young. I couldn’t accept it. How could she die? How could God feel like her job here was done? I’d never lost a friend before. I was wrecked.

It was late at night. We were stopped at a Walmart in the middle of nowhere. I couldn’t get back on that bus. I needed things to halt. I went out into the middle of a snow-covered field and lay down. The sharp blades of frozen grass poked at my bare arms. I lay on my back staring at a big white sign saying SUPERMART. Vanessa was gone, and I hadn’t been there by her side at the end.

After a while, Linda, my teacher, and my mom came out to get me. Linda said, “Look how happy you made her. She had a good last few months. When she needed you, you were there.” My mom said, “You knew she needed you, but it seems like you didn’t realize how much you needed her.”

Mandy Medicine

I
t felt like I was losing the people I cared about most. I felt alone and adrift.

And then came Mandy.
(Mandy, how pumped are you that you get a chapter title?)

I’d known Mandy for a long time—she’d been dancing with me ever since I started performing as Hannah. One night in the middle of the tour we got out of the pool at some nasty hotel where the bus was parked. Mandy was going through a hard time with a friend of hers. I’d lost my first love. Vanessa was gone from this earth. Mandy and I sat on a bed in her hotel room and I said, “Hey, do you want to be best friends?” She said, “Yeah.” It was out of the blue. Random. A joke. But then something amazing happened. Our BF promise took hold.

Remember how I said that when you’re on tour, away from home, people—friends, family—become your home? I’d been clinging a little too hard to my privacy. Vanessa’s death reminded me to let myself need people. To stop pushing people away. To fight for friendship. Mandy and I act like kids together, like we’re my little sister’s age. A child’s heart is so vulnerable, lighthearted, and fun. From the start we let our friendship stay young instead of being guarded and calloused. And it felt great. Like I was breathing again or that my heart was starting to heal.

After the tour finished, Mandy and I went on a big YouTube kick. We were hanging out, messing with the video camera while we worked up a dance routine, and just generally goofing around, and we decided to post it to YouTube. I swear doctors should write prescriptions for making YouTube videos. They’re great medicine for a broken heart. At first it was just for fun, and then we were invited to do a “dance-off” with ACDC (the Adam/Chu Dance Crew), so we became M & M Cru and made some videos. That was cool, and it was still just for fun, but it was also lots of work with lots of people. So when that ended, we just went back to the basics, the old Miley and Mandy show, just us, goofing off—answering viewer questions like who our favorite bands are, interviewing my dad and sister. Or making a video of Mandy watching the scary maze game (an online prank), and Mandy freaking out. That might be my favorite.

My friendship with Mandy is more than videos and hanging out, of course. My little brother Braison is now way bigger than I am, and we had a huge fight, probably about something stupid like him giving me the wrong cell phone charger. Somehow it escalated to the point where he pushed me into the refrigerator and it actually hurt! I’m 5'4 and he’s 5'10. Thirteen years old and 5'10—can you believe it? He’s big. Anyway, I was pretty upset about the fight, and what I really want to say about Mandy is that I know if I need her, she’ll be there. If I need a friend at four in the morning, she’ll be there in five minutes, and she knows the same is true for me. Mandy is older than I am, so she helps me see a bigger picture. When I was upset about Braison, she came over and just stayed with me until I fell asleep. People might think it’s weird, that it’s too deep. But I think if you can’t count on a friend for that, it’s not a real friendship.

We’re definitely going to have to make sure we line up boyfriends at the same time so we don’t suffer withdrawal from each other.