Message from Nam (41 page)

“I’ve never loved anyone like I love you, Pax. You make me want to pack my bags tonight, and run like hell, with you at my side, till we’re home safe and sound forever.” But thinking like that was dangerous here and they both knew it.

He spent the night with her, and several nights after that. And in an odd way, by the end of the summer, it was almost as though they were married. They went everywhere together when he had time off, and she consulted him about things she had never talked to anyone about before, even about the missions she went on with Ralph.

And Tony told her everything, except about his own missions, when he thought they were too dangerous and might scare her.

Ralph even relented about him, and in early September, the four of them went to dinner together. Poor France was enormous by then, and Ralph teased her about the way she looked, but afterward Tony said he thought she looked beautiful, and Paxton was touched. She couldn’t imagine being that way, or having a baby inside her. Once, she thought she saw the baby kick, and it fascinated her that France didn’t seem to mind it.

“Doesn’t that hurt?” she asked Tony later. “Everything looks so enormous and so stretched, it must be awful.”

“It isn’t awful, it’s wonderful. I promise.” He kissed her gently again. “Trust me.” Neither of them had said anything about marriage, or having each other’s children, except they both knew that that was the plan if they ever got out of Viet Nam alive, but that was something they didn’t talk about either. Instead they talked about R and R in Bangkok, or buying Christmas presents for Joey. And finally in mid-September he got a five-day leave, and took her to Hong Kong and bought her a ring and put it on her finger without further explanation. It was a ruby band with a ruby and diamond heart in the center and Paxton loved it. It said everything. They had a fabulous time in Hong Kong and stayed at the Ambassador Hotel, like the other GIs and their wives and girlfriends.

And when they got back, Paxton found out that Ralph was in Da Nang, which she thought was really stupid. The baby was due any day and she had already told him once that she thought he ought to stick around, but he said he couldn’t just sit there waiting for her to have the baby. France had a midwife lined up, and a doctor if something went wrong, and he had given her Paxton’s phone number and in any case, he was sure he’d be back from Da Nang at least a week before she had the baby.

And Tony and Paxton were in bed at the Caravelle one night sleeping soundly after they’d made love, when the phone rang, and Paxton answered.

“Mmm … yes?” She couldn’t imagine who it was at that hour. She glanced at the clock in the dark. And it was four o’clock in the morning.

“Paxton?” The voice sounded French, and for a minute Paxton didn’t recognize her. “It’s France.” Oh, my God. She sat up in bed wondering where Ralph was.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.…” Paxton could almost see her smiling politely in the darkness. She was the kind of person who never complained, never made things difficult, never wanted to impose. And yet, she was calling Paxton, whom she scarcely knew, at four o’clock in the morning. “I’m terribly sorry,” she began politely, and then seemed to lapse into silence while Paxton wondered what was going on. It never dawned on her that the girl was in pain and having contractions. “Ralph is away,” she began again, “and I have been unable to reach the midwife … and the doctor I was to call in the event that …” She suddenly lapsed into silence again and Paxton began to panic.

“France?… France!… are you there?” She jiggled the button on the phone, thinking it had gone dead, and by then she’d woken Tony.

“What’s up?” He raised his head and Paxton started to explain when France began talking again, this time a little more brusquely.

“I cannot reach my doctor, or the midwife … and I have An here … I am so sorry to disturb you, but perhaps … if you could take me to the hospital, and keep An with you until Ralph comes home.…” She stopped talking again, and this time Paxton figured out what was going on, while Tony watched her.

“Of course. I’ll be right there. But you’re sure you’re alright? Should I call an ambulance?”

“Oh, no. Of course not,” she said politely. “But you will come soon?”

“Right now. And France … you’re having the baby now?”

“Hopefully not until we reach the hospital. Thank you,” she said again, and hung up abruptly. And what Paxton did not know was that she was in excruciating pain and could no longer walk as she set the phone down. She had waited too long, but the pains had come on her very quickly. And in her hotel room at the Caravelle, Paxton was already pulling her clothes on, and Tony had jumped out of bed.

“I’ll drive you to Gia Dinh. There shouldn’t be too much traffic at this hour,” Tony volunteered, already dressing.

“Where’s the nearest hospital there?” She was trying to keep her mind straight, but she was terrified. This was much more frightening than being shot at.

“I think it’s … I don’t know. I’ll check at the desk on the way out. How did she sound?” He had already climbed into his uniform, and Paxton was wearing a skirt and a blouse and a pair of sandals, and she was brushing her hair when he asked her.

“Weird, actually. She kept lapsing into silence, and I kept thinking the line had gone dead, but it hadn’t.”

“If my memory serves me correctly, that’s the real thing.”

Paxton reached for her toothbrush with a smile. “I don’t think she’d have called if it wasn’t.”

It took them twenty minutes to get to Gia Dinh after that, and when they reached the building where Ralph and France lived, Paxton rang the bell to their apartment. There was no answer for the longest time, and Paxton wondered if she had gone on to the hospital without them, but Tony pointed out that there were lights on upstairs so they waited, and then finally she buzzed them in, and they hurried up the stairs, and found her crouched at her front door, with a trail of water behind her. She looked mortified when she saw that Paxton wasn’t alone, but Tony acted as though everything was perfectly normal. He let the hugely swollen girl lean on him as he helped her back to her bedroom. She’d been wearing a dressing gown, and under it she was wearing a pink nightgown, and in the room next to theirs, Paxton had glimpsed her little boy, An, peacefully sleeping. She closed his door quietly, and asked France if she had tried to call the doctor again, but she only shook her head and clung to Tony. She didn’t seem to care who was holding her and she wasn’t paying any attention to Paxton.

“France, you have to get dressed,” Paxton tried to say calmly, but as she said the words, France let out a small scream in spite of herself, and clutched at Tony. He held her gently in his arms and laid her down on the bed again, until the contraction was over.

“France, we have to get you out of here,” he said calmly. “I’m going to carry you,” he said soothingly, but she started to cry and with a terrible sound, clutched at him again. She was half out of her mind with the pains that had begun just before midnight. And it was five o’clock by then, and suddenly Paxton saw that there was blood in the bed and it scared her. She tried to motion to Tony, but he knew exactly what was going on, much better than Paxton did, as he looked at her calmly. “We’re not going anywhere,” he said quietly, “get me all the towels you can find, and some newspaper, lots of it.” And as he said it, he started untying his shoes, and Paxton wondered if he had gone crazy.

He tried to leave France for just a moment after that, but she wouldn’t let him leave her for a moment, and then between the pains she kept murmuring, “Oh I’m so sorry … so sorry.…” And then she would be racked with pain again as Paxton watched her. She couldn’t imagine why Tony had ever thought that beautiful. It looked terrifying and terrible, and intolerably painful.

She came back with all the towels she could find, a pair of fresh sheets, and a stack of newspapers she’d found in the kitchen, and Tony told her to set them down and kneel beside him. And as she did, he got behind France, and held her, and this time when the pain ripped through her, she grabbed wildly for Paxton’s hands, and Paxton held her tight, the two women holding hands as France began to push out her baby.

“Oh no … Oh no!” she screamed. “The baby’s coming!”

“I know it is,” Tony told her gently, telling her what to do, as he tied one of the sheets around him like an apron between the pains, and she continued to clutch Paxton’s hands, and as she pushed again and again, Paxton cried with her, and then Tony told her to hold France’s legs, as he held her shoulders, and she continued to push, and Paxton wanted to run away screaming. She couldn’t bear to watch her in such pain. And then suddenly she gave an enormous push, and there was a tiny wail, and all three of them looked at the little red face that had sprung from France’s soul, as she looked at it in amazement.

“There you go,” Tony said, “now you have to push again, come on …” And this time the shoulders came, and Tony gently eased the baby out, holding it gently as the rest of France and Ralph’s baby came. It was a little girl, and as Paxton looked at the miracle, she was crying, and for the merest instant, Tony bent and kissed her. France was smiling then. And Paxton watched in amazement while Tony tied the umbilical cord with his shoelaces. “Call an ambulance,” he told her, as she looked at France with awe, and the man she loved with total admiration. She wanted to tell him how wonderful he was, but there would be time for that later.

Instead she went to call the ambulance, and before they came, she woke An. They had covered France up by then, and the little boy was pleased and amazed when he saw his baby sister.

“Did she come while Maman was asleep?” he asked, and the others smiled. “Did she wake you up?” he asked his mother. And he was very annoyed that they had to leave in the ambulance, but he was excited to go back to the hotel with Tony, while Paxton rode to the hospital with France and the baby. She was still overwhelmed by all that she had seen that night, the ghastly, searing pain, and then that tiny little face appearing, pushed from her hiding place into the world as her mother cheered her on. And now she lay peacefully sleeping in her mother’s arms, and France looked totally content as she lay there.

“I’m sorry I was so much trouble for you,” she said apologetically in the ambulance. And Paxton continued to hold her hand, totally in awe of what had happened. This all seemed so unreal to her. War was real. Death had almost become normal. But this miracle of birth, this part of her womanhood, took her by surprise and completely amazed her.

“You were so brave, France,” Paxton said. “I’m sorry I wasn’t more helpful … I had no idea what to do …” She thanked God for Tony.

“You were wonderful,” France said sleepily, and closed her eyes, still clinging to Paxton’s hand. And Paxton stayed with her at the hospital until late that morning. And when she went back to the hotel, Tony was playing with An, and both of them looked extremely happy. Fortunately, Tony was off for two days, so he had been able to stay and wait for Paxton.

“How is she?” Tony asked worriedly. “Everything okay?”

“Everything’s great.” Paxton smiled almost shyly at him. “The baby is beautiful, and she was nursing happily when I left them.” She still couldn’t quite believe all she’d seen, but somehow now she felt closer to him.

He looked at her for a long moment without saying anything, feeling it too, and then, still holding An’s hand, he put his other arm around Paxton and kissed her. “You were very brave last night.” It was a night they would both always remember.

“I’ve never been so scared in my life … my God, Tony … how do people do that?”

“It’s worth it,” he said without a moment’s doubt, and she knew the truth of that now. That moment when the baby’s head poked out and gave her first cry made it all worthwhile, Paxton knew she could never forget it.

“It really is a miracle, isn’t it?” He nodded then, and reached down and put An on his shoulders.

And Ralph came to find them at five o’clock. He had gone home and found her note, and then raced to the hospital to see France and their baby. And in a way, Paxton was sorry for him, because she had seen his baby being born and he hadn’t. He was beside himself by the time he got to the hotel, and he insisted on buying them champagne, and finally he left, with An in his arms, having thanked them both, and told them that they were naming the baby after Paxton, more or less. She was going to be Pax Tran Johnson. And Pax seemed an appropriate name for her. It meant “peace” in Latin.

And Paxton was still greatly moved by what she’d seen when they went to bed that night, still full of the thoughts of what had happened.

“I don’t know, Tony,” she said quietly as they lay in the dark. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that.” She was still impressed by the pain she’d seen. She still wondered how France had stood it.

But Tony only laughed softly in the darkness as he turned to her and kissed her. “I don’t think you have to worry about it for a while. I’d say you’ve got a few other things to take care of first.” Like surviving Viet Nam. They both did.

“You know what I mean. God, for a while there, it looked so awful.”

“I think it must get pretty bad,” he admitted. “But I don’t know, women seem to forget … they must … or they wouldn’t have more babies.” It had really made him think seeing France’s baby born, about the things that matter in life, the things one had left after a place like Viet Nam, and suddenly he longed for another life than this one. “I’d really love to have kids again,” he confessed that night.

“You’re good at it,” she said sadly, thinking of how he’d been with An. But who knew if they would ever have the chance. Who knew if any of them would be alive to have children. But it was a bond between them, a special moment they had shared, and now held tightly between them.

“I love you, Pax,” he whispered in the darkness.

“I love you too,” she whispered, and fell asleep in his arms, dreaming of France’s baby.

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