Authors: Nikesh Shukla
Mitch came back, stinking of fresh cigarette to add to the dull ache of old nicotine ingrained in his sports coat. ‘The reason I hate modern life,’ he declared, loud enough for those around us to hear, sermonising, ‘why I love books, is all this bullshit you’re saying … that’s what we’re reduced to, isn’t it? Etchings and imprints … Connections used to be important. Now it’s all selfies and sandwiches on Twitter. Now the very meaning of the word, it doesn’t mean shit. Associations have some weird cultural capital now.’
‘Innit,’ I said, to purposely undercut him.
‘Did you get a friend request from Rach?’ I nodded. ‘You know she has a new boyfriend?’
‘You’re Facebook friends with Rach?’
‘Oh, yes. Dunno why you don’t go out anymore.’
‘She dumped me. She said because I was a self-obsessed depressive.’
‘She does have a
joie de vivre
you don’t really do …’ he said, downing the rest of his pint and signalling for another 2.
‘I’m going through a lot of stuff, man.’
‘No need to act like a bore about it.’
‘Anyway, what’s your problem with Twitter?’
‘I don’t “do” Twitter. It’s all pictures of sandwiches and misspelled signs, no?’
‘Only for those who don’t use it properly.’
‘That’s what your feed is full of … Anyways, I hate how we’re all diminishing circles of actual friendship.’
‘What?’
‘All your followers and all your Facebook friends know your every movement. Your real friends know what you’re like. Where’s someone who knows both?’
‘That used to be Rach. But then she hated it when I was always online.’
‘Look at her now. She can’t get enough of the stuff.’
‘She’s a social animal,’ I mumbled. ‘Just another content queen.’
When I got home, I Googled Mitch to verify how off-radar he was. It didn’t take many search results to discover Mitch had a secret blog that no one knew about, called ‘The Weird Shit People Say to Me’. Of the entries, 3 could be attributed to me. I don’t mind.
‘I’m really excited about this trip,’ Aziz tells me as we’re sitting in his room. ‘I packed your camera, for the posterity.’
‘It is effectively yours. You use it all the time.’
‘How else can I document my lifestyle? No one would believe me otherwise.’
‘Just keep it,’ I said of the unwanted present Dad bought me Duty Free when he returned from a singles holiday to Prague last year.
‘Yeah, you can’t frame a decent shot.’
‘Decent framed pictures do rule the world.’
‘If only I could Instagram some of those sexcapades. The world isn’t ready.’
Aziz has packed enough underwear for a week, but only 3 t-shirts, because they’re his coolest. He bought a black vest that resembles the one Teddy Baker’s wearing in his photograph. He and I debate the word wife-beater. He ends it by telling me to man up, which irks me into a sulk. I then ask whereabouts in New York Teddy Baker lives.
‘Well, it says Brooklyn on his account,’ Aziz says, lifting his suitcase up and down like he’s weight training with it.
‘Wait, you didn’t message him?’
‘Nah, man, that’s part of the surprise.’
‘You’re going to just turn up? He’ll think you’re weird.’
‘Part of the challenge is getting through the awkwardness and getting to be best friends,’ Aziz says, downing his tea.
‘How do you know how to find him? You know New York’s pretty massive, right?’
‘Dude, give me some motherfrickin’ credit. I Googled him. I found his Facebook, his Twitter, his Foursquare and his Linkedin. I know where he works right now. I can see where he checks in on Foursquare or just follow his Twitter. Mate, I’ll find the guy. All I have to do is turn my wi-fi on.’
‘And your data roaming off. I ain’t helping you with another mobile phone bill.’
‘That was different. That was phone chat lines.’
‘Yeah, I’m not helping you pay another mobile phone bill because you’re too much of a dick to use your phone wisely.’
‘Fine, anyway, stop making this awkward for me. I was excited till I spoke to you. You know, Kit, you’re such a hangover depressive. You just gotta smiley face up. Smiley face up.’
Aziz points at me. I force a smile.
‘Yeah. Sorry, man.’
‘What’s your 5-point plan for your new tattoo? It’s new tattoo day. Today your life will change, just a little bit. And it’ll be fucking awesome.’
‘I dunno, get some breakfast, do some writing. I got a reading later. Whatever.’
‘Okay, so have you made a list of fit and female acquaintances you can impress with your tattoo? Have you made a list of places people might approach you and say, wow, that looks cool. Is that Hayley going to the reading?’ Aziz raises his eyebrows at me, waving air glasses up and down.
‘It’s not just for pulling girls. Is it?’ I say. ‘And yes she is.’
‘And now you’re finally single.’
I panic. I show him my arm. ‘Should it be so red?’
I show Aziz my arm. There are some inflamed red rings around the tattoo. He dismisses it. ‘Just put some moisturiser on it. It’ll be fine.’
Sick Charlie has given me nappy rash cream to quell the burn so I put that on. I’ve expressly been told that moisturiser isn’t great and petroleum jelly is worse. Aloe vera or baby rash cream is best for soothing 2 hours of skin rubbing. It burns a little. Just like an inflammation. It’s fine.
We hear a car horn beep twice outside, signalling the arrival of Aziz’s cab I called for him. I don’t want him to go. Last night was the first night I’ve not hung out with him in 6 months. Who’s going to keep me entertained? He wants to go. I don’t want him to go. I could ask him to stay. He probably won’t stay. He’s doing this for my good. Stop distracting me. Give me time to write. He clutches me and gives me a long slow cuddle. We have this thing where you hug and the first one to feel awkward or break the cuddle for the sake of practicality loses. Currently I’m losing 172–4 to Aziz. But I hold on because he’s my brother and I feel protective over him and he’s an impulsive funny man and he’s off to do something slightly stupid but I respect his desire to see things through.
And hell, at least he doesn’t sit there and over-analyse for an inordinate amount of time. Except he’s still holding on and I’m worried the cab will leave without him and we’ll have to wait for another one and he’ll miss his flight and it’ll be because I didn’t let go in time. I pull away.
‘You better get your cab, dude.’
Aziz smiles, crosses over to the chalkboard next to our fridge and changes 172 to 173. Damnit. I’ve been hustled.
‘See you man,’ he says.
‘Please take care and don’t do anything stupid with a bunch of strangers you found off the internet,’ I say, grimacing.
‘Read my blog,’ he says, throwing his hands out and waving them jazzily at me. ‘I’ll be back soon.’
‘Come back with both your kidneys.’
‘Promote my progress on Twitter.’
The cab beeps again.
‘Keep your passport in your pocket at all times.’
‘Blog comments are always welcome too.’
‘Just go.’
‘I’m going.’
‘I love you very much, Aziz.’
‘I know.’
The cab beeps its horn again and Aziz picks up his Eastpak and my suitcase and heads to the door. Instead of watching his cab pull away like a proper surrogate dad would, I go to the toilet and stare at myself topless in the mirror, trying to ingrain the new ‘me’ into my mind’s eye. I spend the next hour with my phone trying to take the best casual selfie of my tattoo for Instagram. Outside a car keeps sounding its horn before eventually leaving.
aZiZWILLKILLYOU episode 5 Aziz vs Stalking Prey
[posted 11 September, 16:10]
Word up homeys, it’s your boy Aziz. Welcome to my new blog challenge – meet The Boy with the Bow Tie Tattoo – my doppelganger. So pay attention closely to the breakneck speed with which I do questionable things with questionable people. Because that’s what life’s about. Living questionably.
I am revitalised, blaaads, like a bottle of mineral water or whatever. Revitalised. Revitalising.
There I was, on the hunt for the Boy with the Bow Tie Tattoo. Just like that Swedish guy in that book where he’s looking for some stripper with a dragon tattoo or something. I don’t know. I never read. Well, I do – and my main man, Kitab has sent me off with some books, but I haven’t got time to read them. I am on one tip only. One mission. The Boy with the Bow Tie Tattoo.
I’m gonna skip the part about the flight because who wants to know about what films I watched (Limitless aka Shittyless, and Rango aka No, Mate, Just Go – thanks for asking), what the food was like (I’m Indian, I grew up on thalis and plates with compartments, what can I say?) and how much I slept (not at all, man’s buzzin’!). But I will tell you one thing about aeroplanes … if you spend the departure lounge time eyeing up buff girls and hoping you get to sit next to them so you can be all like, ‘hey hey hey’ and they’ll be all like, ‘wanna meet me in the bathroom’, IT WON’T HAPPEN PEOPLE. You will end up next to some fat dude who is mister elbows and he’s borrowing your window, leaning over you and dipping his tits in your complimentary white wine, or some old lady who’ll take her shoes off and put her stinky feet up on the seat under her like it’s her manor. You gotta put that out of your mind and you will end up next to a horny travelling goddess. Trust Aziz. It’s foolproof. I know. Cos I ended up sandwiched next to some fat dude all elbows and wouldn’t let me borrow his window and some old lady who took her shoes off and tucked her stinky feet under her on the seat. Every now and then. I’d feel her big toenail catch on my jeans. My jeans! What the hell? Or WTF as you kids like saying.
Acronymns. MIAWFOA. Man, it’s a world FULL of acronyms.
So, I landed in New York, and I got through customs after having some LOLs with the customs guy. Because I like to put my terrorist face on, get all screwface and serious and see what he asks me. And the dude was like, Aziz, is that a Muslim name? And I was like, hell naw, man … Just because I appear to be from the Indian sub-continent that immediately makes me a Muslim? COME ON. Asia’s got more countries than America’s got states, check yo’self, racist fool – what? That is a geographic fact. And eventually he let me through.
I could not wait to get to a wi-fi signal, so I could check in with Teddy Baker and see what was going off in this dude’s life. It was cold, man. Like cold-cold. And I was braving it with my jacket unzipped and my shirt opened just a little to show my badass bow tie. I can only wear shirts now cos they go with my fly-fly bow tie. Anyway, I keep getting away from it. I was bussing to get to a wi-fi. Plus I was ti-ti.
#titi #wifi #azizinnewyork
And then, it kinda just opened its legs and ejaculated all over me from a distance. There it was – New York, New York. And I was like, dude, this city is majestic. I love this place. It’s full of everything – tall buildings, vulnerable girls trying to make it in show business, Spider-man. I was on the subway next to some dude who was writing battle raps on a yellow legal pad and 2 girls talking about some guy’s choad and I got all excited so I grabbed my phone out and did a data dump. Eff you roaming charges, I am a man on a mission. Roaming this world, looking for the best adventures only your boy Aziz can have.
So I did a data dump, and seriously, all my emails are about stupid fucking bullshit on Facebook – I have one Facebook mission, get my friend Steve’s mum to unfriend me. GET. THE. MUMS. OFF. FACEBOOK. Steve’s mum just likes everything I do and adds all these stupid applications to my wall about flowers and she has asked me a question about ‘my secret love’ and that’s all she does on Facebook. I met her once, at Steve’s engagement party and now she thinks we’re BFFs so she just adds an endless stream of bullshit to my Facebook. Anyway, so I checked into Twitter after my disappointing email scan-through and I see Teddy Baker’s account. I’m wondering whether I should start @-replying him stuff just so he can see me and get prepared for Aziz-ma-geddon. I might go to the Statue of Liberty and pose for the same photo as his now infamous avatar, but you know, Instagram it with the Earlybird filter, just to make it classy, and make it my avatar. Cos Teddy’s avatar on Facebook and Twitter is now just a picture of his face, and without the sunglasses and world-beating grin he doesn’t look as much like me, which is a bit disappointing. But it’s all about the tattoo, guys. You know? I’m all about that tattoo.
His Twitter said that Teddy was at work but I followed through a conversation he was having with a Twitter user called @justiceforpigs and they were going to meet up at 7 p.m. at a bar in the East Village, and both had to bring things for the other, like Teddy owed @justiceforpigs a book and @justiceforpigs wanted Teddy to see this new outfit he’d bought. Who knows? Maybe they’re lovers. I will find out, blog fans. You know why? I’m going to some bar in the East Village at 7 p.m. Tonight. This is happening.
There are 9 comments for this blog:
Anonymous user: LOL
Geraint365: SRSLY? You’re a stalker. WTF.
AZIZWILLKILLYOU: Yo, Geraint, if that is your real name, fuck off my blog if you don’t like it.
Geraint365: Duuuude, I was joking, innit. Calm down.
AZIZWILLKILLYOU: Safe, blud. Strap in.
Milky_Sorez: This is exactly the problem with the internet. Over-enthusiastic fuckwits like you who can’t write. Get over yourself hombre. This is shit. Who gives a fuck? Like, 2 people? And I’ve listened to your Mixcloud sets. Heard of dubstep? No, I didn’t think so. Seriously, this is worse than the worst thing on the internet.
Anonymous user: LOLZ, AZIZ YOU LEGEND.
Gustave_the_First: This point seriously puts human rights into question. Aziz, I’ve only just come to your site because I was alerted to it on Twitter. Legal issues aside (I’m a lawyer), you are a despicable human being and I hope you get arrested for harassment.
AZIZWILLKILLYOU: WTF, CTFO, MIAWFOA.
History:
We Love Books Bitches – Google
How to do public speaking – Google
[291] – Twitter
[12] – Facebook