Me and My Sisters (42 page)

‘The evidence against you was very damning,’ Louise retorted.

‘You’ve both known me for eighteen years – you must know I’d never hurt Julie. I was trying to protect her from this until I had it sorted out. I’m still reeling from the discovery myself.’

‘If you’d been upfront and honest with her, there wouldn’t have been any misunderstanding.’ Louise wasn’t one for backing down easily.

‘But we’re sorry,’ Sophie added, ever the peacemaker. ‘We’re very sorry for doubting you. We know how much Julie means to you.’

While Harry turned back to hug me and kiss away my tears, Sophie and Louise introduced themselves to my new step-daughter.

‘Hi, I’m Louise. I guess I’m your step-aunt.’ Louise shook Christelle’s hand. Sophie did the same. ‘We’re actually a fairly normal family most of the time,’ she added.

I pulled away from Harry and looked at his daughter. ‘I’m sorry. I’ve completely ruined your first meeting with your dad.’

She shrugged in that French way. ‘I’ve waited a long time. I can wait a few more minutes. Besides, since I moved to France from the States, I’m used to drama. They thrive on it here.’

I reached over and hugged her. ‘I’m Julie, Harry’s insane wife. Welcome to the family.’

Everyone on the terrace clapped and cheered. It seemed that even the French were suckers for a happy ending.

38

Louise

We stayed in the café until three in the morning, talking, laughing, listening and, in Julie’s case, crying. People kept buying us drinks and coming over to congratulate us and hear the details of the dramatic story. Harry refused to let go of Julie’s hand all night. It would have melted the hardest heart to see them together.

Julie felt awful about causing a scene at Christelle’s first encounter with her father, so we made a big fuss of our new step-niece and she turned out to be a pretty cool girl. She was very together, very independent, smart, bright and ambitious – in fact, she kind of reminded me of myself at that age. After the initial awkwardness we all got on like a house on fire, and Julie showed her new step-daughter pictures of the boys and insisted that she come and stay with them before she started college in three weeks’ time. You could see Christelle was relieved that Julie was actually a lovely, warm, welcoming person and not the raving nutter she had first seemed to be.

I woke up early the next day, despite my hangover. My flight back to London wasn’t until six that night. We sisters had planned to spend the day together, but Julie had gone back to Harry’s hotel and Sophie was sleeping soundly beside me. I knew I couldn’t wait until this evening to see my baby. I had never been in a different country from her. I had never left her on her own for a night. I felt too far away physically. I yearned to see Clara. I ached to hold her and kiss her chubby little cheeks.

I went into the bathroom and logged on to my computer to see if I could catch an early flight home. There was one at eleven. I booked it, threw my clothes into my bag and left Sophie a note explaining that I’d gone home early, that the hotel bill was paid and that I’d left her some spending money in her wallet.

I looked out of the taxi window as Paris whizzed by. The old me would have spent the morning in the Louvre or the Musée d’Orsay, then had a leisurely lunch and later gone to the ballet at the Opéra. But now all I wanted to do was go home and hang out on the couch with my baby girl. My heart pounded the whole way home. The closer I got to seeing her, the more emotional I became. I had never felt this way about a man. This love was in a whole different stratosphere.

I charged into the apartment, giving poor Agnes the fright of her life, as she was expecting me home much later. Clara was lying on her play mat, kicking her legs in the air. I swooped in and picked her up, nuzzling my face into her neck. I sat down with her on the couch and cried tears of utter joy, love and gratitude that life had given me this gift, this bundle of joy, this angel.

Agnes patted me on the back, kissed the top of my head and left, saying, ‘You going to be great mummy.’

I spent the day playing with Clara, making her laugh, taking her for a walk, having a bubble bath with her, lying in bed together while I read her stories and she slapped the pages of the book. I wasn’t lonely, I wasn’t bored, I wasn’t lost. Clara had made my apartment a home and filled my life in a way I could never have imagined. We were a team, a pair, a match, a couple. She was my soul-mate.

Over the next few weeks I investigated moving back to Dublin and opening up my own office. There appeared to be a niche for a securitization specialist, which was an area of corporate law that I was all too familiar with – I’d worked on mortgage-backed securitization for years. I decided that the best option was to try to head up my own department within a law firm. I’d have more security that way and none of the costs of starting up alone. I called the top five law firms in Dublin to discuss the possibility of setting up a department and was flattered when they all tried to head-hunt me. They had all heard of me, knew about my success at Higgins, Cooper & Gray and were very keen to have me work for them.

I had underestimated the legal field in Ireland. They had their finger very much on the pulse and knew all the movers and shakers in London. My reputation had preceded me and it was really refreshing to know that all those years of hard work had paid off and that I was considered a prize catch for the legal firms in Dublin. As a result, they were willing to match my current salary, which was a very welcome surprise to me. The move would not be a step down: it would be a new and exciting challenge and one over which I would have complete control.

After looking at lots of different options and interviewing with the five top firms, I decided to go with Price Jackson. They had offered me free rein and a generous budget to set up my own department, specializing in securitization. I would be in complete control of selecting my team. I made it very clear that I would often be working from home. Nothing had ever felt so right. I knew this was the best decision for both Clara and me.

In London, Clara only had me. Back in Dublin, she’d have a big extended family with cousins and grandparents, aunts and uncles. She had no father, so family was extra important, and I wanted her to have positive male role models in her life – Dad and Gavin, Harry and Jack would be her surrogate fathers.

I was dreading telling Alex I was leaving. He had mentored me from my first day at Higgins, Cooper & Gray, and had encouraged me and supported me over all the years. On the day I was due to hand in my notice, he called me into his office.

‘Have a seat,’ he said. ‘As you know, Dominic behaved inappropriately in New York and is office-bound for the time being. He’s going to have to prove he can be trusted to behave in a professional manner at all times and that’s not going to happen overnight. Now, I need you to go to our sister office in Chicago for three weeks. There’s a –’

‘Alex,’ I interrupted him. ‘I can’t go to Chicago for three weeks now or ever. I have a baby girl who needs me. She sees very little of me as it is and there is no way I could leave her for three weeks.’ I took a deep breath. ‘I’m very sorry to say that, after a lot of soul-searching, I’ve decided that my time at Higgins, Cooper & Gray is at an end.’ A lump began to form in my throat. I was very sad to be leaving. This had been my whole life until Clara had come along.

Alex said nothing.

I cleared my throat. ‘I’ve loved working here. It’s been a privilege and a pleasure to have you as a mentor, and I owe you a deep debt of gratitude for all you’ve done for me over the last twenty years. I’m very sorry to be going, but I cannot keep working to the intensity and level that I have been with a baby at home. I tried, Alex, I really did. I really wanted it to work and I was sure I could make it happen. But I’ve discovered that I no longer want to live in the office. I no longer want to work harder and more diligently than everyone else. Having my daughter has changed me in ways I never thought possible and I can’t fight it. I’m making myself and her miserable by trying to maintain this pace. For my happiness and hers, I need things to change.’

Alex smiled sadly. ‘Oh, Louise, I thought if anyone could do it, you could. I saw how you struggled in the beginning, but you seemed to have worked everything out and got back into your stride. I believed you were on top of the situation. I’m very sorry to hear you’re giving up on your career. You’re so talented.’

‘Oh, no, Alex, I’m not giving up. I’ll never give up my job because I love what I do. I’m just changing the way I work. I’m moving back to Dublin to be close to my family and I’m going to set up a securitization department at a law firm there called Price Jackson.’

Alex reached over to shake my hand. ‘I’m very glad to hear it. You’d be a great loss to the profession. Price Jackson are very fortunate to get you, Louise. I’ve immensely enjoyed watching you soar at this company. You’re a bright, hard-working and loyal young woman. We’ll miss you and your sharp legal mind.’

I fought back tears. ‘Thank you, Alex, I appreciate that. I’ll make sure everything’s in order before I leave.’

‘I know you will. You can pass any files that you don’t manage to close by the time you leave to Dominic.’

‘Dominic? I thought he was in legal Siberia.’ I couldn’t believe this.

‘He is, but he can come in from the cold now that you’re leaving. He did a very foolish thing, which I know from speaking to his father at golf last week he truly regrets. He’s certainly delayed making senior partner by several years, but when all this dies down, if he’s proven himself to have matured, we can review the situation.’

And there it was – the thing I could never compete with. Dominic was from an upper-crust family Alex admired and looked up to. He wanted to hang out playing golf in his posh club with Dominic’s family. Dominic had an edge I’d never have, a safety net I couldn’t create. It was time to go and set up my own department, be my own boss, hire my own staff and march to the beat of my own drum.

The news of my imminent departure spread like wildfire, and Meredith was the first to come and see me. ‘Are you sure?’ she asked, sitting down opposite me and getting straight to the point.

I nodded. ‘Yes, I am. I can’t do it any more, Meredith. I’m not happy. I feel guilty all the time. When I’m here I want to be with Clara, and when I leave early to see her before bedtime, I feel guilty for that too. Besides, I’ve always wanted to be my own boss, so this could work out very well.’

‘I wish you’d stay. I need other women, other mothers, to shatter the glass ceiling with me. It’s not easy being the only female senior partner.’

‘I’ll be breaking the ceiling, just in my own way, in my own time. I’m not giving up my career, I’m readjusting it to fit my daughter in. And, in a strange way, it’s all fallen into place. I’m not even taking a salary cut – the Irish firm is paying me the same salary and I get to run my own securitization department.’

Meredith looked surprised. ‘My God, that’s great. And do you get to set your own hours?’

‘More or less. They know me by reputation, so they’re aware that I’m hard-working. When I told them I’d be working from home quite a bit, they were fine about it.’

Meredith sat back in the chair. ‘Good for you. To be honest, Louise, I couldn’t do this without my husband’s support. He ferries Hermione to and from crèche every day, and when she’s sick, he takes the day off work to look after her. I’m going to miss having you around as a fellow journeywoman, but you seem very happy and relieved, so your decision must be the right one for you and Clara.’

‘I really think it is. Clara’s only got one parent, so I really need to spend time with her – and she’ll grow up with her cousins and grandparents around. I’ll have a support network that I just don’t have here.’

‘And you need it. We working mums need support to be able to do what we do. It sounds like a great set-up – I’m tempted to move there myself.’

‘No way! You have to keep flying the flag at this male-dominated firm. I’m sorry I won’t be beside you – I tried, Meredith, I really did, but it just wasn’t working.’

‘Life’s too short to make yourself miserable. Besides, it sounds like you’re going to be a very big fish over there in Dublin.’

‘It’s a much smaller pond, but it’ll be interesting and challenging, which is good – and lucrative, which is also important.’

Meredith grinned. ‘Hell, yes! We don’t do this for the good of our health.’

‘Do you think women will ever be able to have it all, the way men do?’

‘Yes – but only if we can park the guilt. The problem is, we’re programmed to feel guilty about everything. Do you think a man feels guilty if he eats a cream cake? If he doesn’t ring his mother for a week? If he gets drunk and raucous at the Christmas party? If he doesn’t tuck his kids into bed every night? If he doesn’t cook dinner for his kids or forgets to buy their favourite yoghurts? If he’s ten minutes late to pick his kids up from a birthday party? No! Men don’t feel guilty and it frees up their time and energy to focus on work.’

I nodded. ‘I’d never really felt guilty about anything until I had Clara. Now guilt is ever-present in my life and it’s exhausting.’

‘We need to extract it from our DNA,’ she said. ‘Well, speaking of guilt, I need to go and do some work. Good luck, Louise. I’ll miss you.’

I went to hug her. ‘Good luck to you, too. Don’t stop being a trail-blazer and watch out for the sharks coming up behind you.’

‘I will.’ Meredith walked back out into the corporate world we had both studied and worked so hard to succeed in. I was sure she’d end up as managing partner of the firm. I really hoped she would – we needed role models like her for our daughters to know that anything is possible.

Later that day, Dominic slithered into my office, smiling broadly. He had been keeping a very low profile since returning in shame from New York. I had barely seen him, which had been wonderful.

‘Louise,’ he said, throwing his arms up in the air in mock horror, ‘I’ve just heard the news. I can’t believe it. Is it true? Are you really leaving us?’

I continued working on my computer. ‘Yes.’

‘So you’re moving back to the old sod.’ He sat down in the chair opposite me.

‘If you’re referring to Dublin, yes, I am.’

‘From the dizzy heights of London to the third largest firm in Dublin. It’ll be quite a change.’

‘Aren’t you happy, Dominic, that with me out of the way there’s a vacancy? Oh, sorry, I forgot. You screwed a client’s daughter and lost the business – that’s not quite senior-partner material, now, is it?’

Dominic’s face reddened. ‘We all make mistakes, Louise. Don’t forget how furious Hanks and Alex were with your purchase-price fuck-up.’

‘I think Hanks was probably slightly more annoyed with you for having sex with his baby girl.’

‘She was eighteen.’

‘Only just.’

Dominic crossed his legs slowly and sneered, ‘Alex has got over it now. He played golf with my old man this weekend and said it was water under the bridge.’

I smiled at him. ‘I wouldn’t get too comfortable, Dominic. Alex reckons you’ve set yourself back a good five years. I hope Hanks’s daughter was worth it.’

He leant forward in his chair. ‘Don’t you find it sad that after all those years of study and hard work you’re ending up back in Dublin changing nappies? It’s a big come-down.’

I continued typing. ‘I don’t see running my own department as a come-down. Call me crazy, but a come-down to me would be something like getting sent home from New York in disgrace for sleeping with a client’s daughter and having that client break your nose.’