Me and My Sisters (12 page)

Would you apply for this job? What sane person wouldn’t run screaming in the opposite direction? And yet that’s it, that’s a mother’s lot. And you know what really bugs me? It’s that my husband thinks women are born with a mummy gene. That ‘motherhood’ comes naturally to us. It’s bullshit. We’re not born with a special gene or chip or whatever it is – well, I certainly wasn’t. I literally just stagger through each day trying not to kill my children or myself.

I love my boys. They are brilliant and funny and sweet, but sometimes (quite regularly, if I’m being honest) I want to walk out the door and leave them. Just for a day. I think if I could walk away for twenty-four hours, I’d be OK. I’d find sanity again.

I used to be quite pretty. I had shiny, bouncy, curly hair, big brown eyes and clear skin. I was never thin, but I wasn’t chubby. I was just a little curvy, in a good way, in the right places. Now my eyes are smaller, due to lack of sleep; my hair is limp due to lack of care (I have to wash it during my ten-second shower and rarely get time to rinse the shampoo out properly); and I’m curvy in all the wrong places.

I had an argument with my sister today. She’s gorgeous and slim and wears amazing clothes and has one perfect daughter. She told me to stop using my kids as an excuse. She said if I wanted to lose weight I just needed to stop talking about it and bloody get on with it. And she’s right. But every time I decide to do it, something happens. One of the triplets breaks an arm, or they get chickenpox, or flu, or a chest infection, or expelled from school, or my little guy gets an ear infection, or is up all night teething, or falls out of his cot … and I’m too tired to exercise that day so I put it off until the next … and on it goes.

I’m turning forty this year and I keep looking at my life and thinking, Is this where I want to be? Is this how I want my life to continue? Is this how I want to look? Where did I go? Who am I?

11

Louise

I’d been really uncomfortable all day in the office. Not big, pregnant, waddly uncomfortable, but sore in my vagina. It hurt to sit down. I felt as if I was sitting on big lumps. I had no idea what was going on. My body was spreading in every direction, but this was obviously something else.

When I got home I had a shower and tried to see what was going on. But it was impossible as my belly was in the way. So after towelling myself dry, I got out my hand mirror and had a proper look.

Aargh
.

There were big red lumps everywhere. The whole area was completely swollen. What was it? Were they cancerous? Was it a sign that the baby was coming early? Was my vagina infected? What the hell was going on?

I called Julie.

‘Can I call you back?’ she asked.

‘
No!
Do not hang up,’ I barked.

‘OK, hold on … BOYS, I NEED TO TALK TO LOUISE. PUT THE TV ON AND MAKE SURE TOM DOESN’T SWALLOW ANYTHING DANGEROUS. IF HE STARTS CHOKING COME AND GET ME. OTHERWISE DON’T COME NEAR ME … I’m listening, Lou, shoot.’

‘I have just discovered big lumps all over my vagina. It hurts when I sit down and it’s all swollen.’

‘Gross.’

‘Yes, it bloody is. What is it? Is it normal? Did you get it? Is it pregnancy-related or am I dying?’

‘I never got lumps down there and I don’t know anyone who did, or certainly no one who admitted to it. Do they look like boils?’

‘What does a boil look like?’

‘I dunno – big and red and throbby, I suppose.’

‘No, they’re not angry-looking. They’re just big and lumpy and disgusting.’

‘I bet you Marian would know. I’ll call her and ring you back.’

‘No – you’ll get distracted with the kids and call me back in five days’ time. Give me her number. I’ll conference her in.’

‘Cool, can you do that?’

‘Yes – get her number for me.’ Julie read it out and I dialled it.

Marian answered: ‘No, I am not interested in getting better rates from some telephone company in Outer Mongolia. Stop fucking ringing me at night-time with your bullshit offers. If you don’t take me off your list of people to torment, I will come over there to Delhi or Mumbai, or wherever the hell your call centre is, and poke your eyes out.’

‘
Marian!
’ Julie shouted. ‘It’s me.’

‘What number are you ringing me from?’ Marian asked.

‘It’s my sister Louise’s. She’s got you on conference call from London.’

‘God, sorry – I thought you were one of those telesales people.’

‘Hi, Marian, sorry to bother you, it’s Louise here.’

‘The genius who got pregnant?’

Julie coughed nervously. Clearly Marian knew a lot more about me than I did about her – except her obvious aversion to tele-marketeers.

I wanted to get on with it. ‘Julie said you might be able to help. I’ve just discovered lumps all over my vagina and I don’t know what the hell is going on.’

‘Jeez, Louise, get to the point, will you?’ Marian cackled.

‘Sorry – I just need to find out what it is and Julie thought you could help.’

‘Have you heard of it before?’ Julie asked her neighbour.

‘Damn right I have. I had the same bloody thing when I was expecting Brian. I thought they were tumours. I made Greg take a look and he was white when he came back up. He thought I was a goner too. Three weeks to live, tops. We’re in the obstetrician’s office the next day and we’re both crying. The doctor starts laughing and tells me it’s varicose veins in my vagina.’

‘What?’ Julie and I said at the same time.

‘I know. Can you believe it? Varicose veins down there. So the good news is you’re not dying.’

‘What happens? Do they go away? Do they shrink? How the hell do I get rid of them?’

‘The bad news is that you’re going to have them until the baby comes out. Sometimes they get worse, sometimes they get a bit better. But they won’t go until you give birth. Also, just in case you were planning on having sex, don’t let any man near them. If they see those big yokes, they’ll never want to have sex with you again. Greg didn’t go near me until after Brian was born. To be honest, it suited me fine. Some women get really horny when they’re pregnant but I never did – and nor did anyone I know. I actually think it’s a myth invented by men to make us feel even worse than we already do when we don’t want to have sex with a bloody bowling ball in our stomach.’

‘I was about as randy as a corpse.’ Julie whooped.

‘I’m gagging for it,’ I admitted.

‘Really?’ They both sounded stunned.

‘Yes.’

‘Well, please hop on a flight and put Greg out of his misery. I haven’t got the fucking energy … STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!’ Marian roared. ‘I’ve got to go. Molly’s just put an M&M up her nose.’

‘Thanks for your help. ’Bye,’ I said, as the phone line went dead.

‘I told you Marian would know what it was,’ Julie said.

‘I owe you one, Julie. Marian is absolutely certifiable, but at least I know the lumps are not serious or permanent. I’ll call you tomorrow after I’ve seen my obstetrician to confirm the diagnosis.’

I sat in the obstetrician’s office, typing furiously on my BlackBerry. I glanced at the clock. Damn, I had a meeting in twenty minutes. Just as I was getting up to harass his secretary, Jonathan Bakewell called me in. We sat down face to face in his vast room.

‘How are you feeling, my dear?’ he asked.

‘Big, fat and sweaty. Pretty revolting, really.’

‘The third trimester can be difficult. But you’re into single figures now – only six weeks to go.’

‘Thank God for that. Look, Jonathan, something’s bothering me. I seem to have lumps all over my vagina. I’ve been told it’s probably varicose veins. Is that possible?’

‘Climb up on the bed and let’s take a look.’

I got undressed and covered myself with the sheet while I was examined.

‘It’s nothing to worry about,’ he assured me. ‘Now pop your clothes back on and we’ll discuss it.’

‘Is it varicose veins?’

‘It would appear so, yes.’

‘Aren’t you supposed to get those in your legs?’

‘In some cases women get them close to the vulva during the latter stages of pregnancy.’

‘There must be some way to get rid of them?’

‘They’ll disappear once the baby is born.’

‘In the meantime, I’m stuck with them?’

‘I’m afraid so.’

‘But they will definitely go once the baby is out?’

‘Yes.’

‘I suppose I should be grateful for that at least.’

‘In the meantime try to sleep on your side and keep your legs raised as much as possible – it takes the pressure off the lower half of the body.’

‘Can’t you just take the baby out now and put me out of my misery?’

He smiled ruefully. ‘You only have a short way to go. We’re scheduled for your elective Caesarean at thirty-nine weeks. You’re doing very well. Try to enjoy these last weeks. I’d like you to rest as much as possible.’

‘If I get much bigger I won’t be able to walk.’ I sighed.

‘Have you thought about a birth partner? Perhaps your mother, or a friend?’

‘I’m used to doing things on my own. Besides, it’s a brief procedure – I don’t need a team of cheerleaders.’ I glanced at my watch. ‘I have to go. Thank you, Jonathan. I’ll see you in a few weeks.’

‘Try not to work too hard – you need to put those feet up.’

Yeah, right! As if I could tell Alex I was taking some time off to put my feet in the air because the veins in my vagina had swollen up like lemons. I rushed back to work and got to the meeting a minute late. I squeezed into a chair in the corner of the conference room. Dominic leant over and asked loudly if I needed a glass of water. Six heads – all male – turned to look at me.

‘No, thank you.’

‘You’re a little flushed.’

‘I’m fine.’

The truth was, my heart was racing. I’d had to run most of the way back from the obstetrician’s and I was feeling a bit dizzy. But I was damned if I was going to show any weakness.

‘Can I continue?’ Alex asked brusquely.

‘Absolutely.’ I nodded.

‘Right. I need all of you to work on the following shareholders at Games4us2play. We need to get everyone on board by the end of the month. You’re going to have to fly over, meet these people face to face and get them to sign. Do not come back here without signatures. Dominic, I’m sending you to Singapore. Richard, I need you in Chicago, Lee in Cape Town and Louise is going to Buenos Aires to deal with the biggest shareholder, Eduardo Rodriguez. By all accounts he’s a cantankerous old bugger and he’s talking about pulling out of the merger. If anyone can get him to sign those papers, it’s Louise.’

My heart sank. Buenos Aires, shit.

As if he’d read my thoughts, Dominic said, ‘I don’t think Louise can fly long distance at this late stage of her pregnancy. It’s dangerous, isn’t it? I can fly directly from Singapore to Argentina. It’s no problem.’

The snake. I wanted to put my fist in his mouth.

Alex looked at me. ‘Is this going to be a problem, Louise?’

I fixed a smile on my face. ‘Of course not, Alex. Thanks for your concern, Dominic, but it’s a bit over the top. I am perfectly capable of flying to Buenos Aires to use my significant experience and persuasive powers to get Rodriguez to sign off on the deal. You just make sure you get the guys in Singapore to do the same. We don’t want any loose ends.’

‘Excellent. I knew I could count on you.’ Alex was clearly relieved.

When I got back to my office I rang my obstetrician and explained the situation.

‘It’s not ideal, Louise,’ Jonathan said. ‘Long-haul flights at this stage of the pregnancy are not encouraged. When do you go?’

‘In four days.’

‘Come in and have your blood pressure checked the day before you fly. If it’s high, you’ll have to cancel the trip.’

‘You don’t understand – I have to go.’

‘Louise, you’re about to have a baby. Your priorities have changed.’

I hung up and rubbed my eyes. I was tired. I’d slept badly the night before. Why did everyone presume my priorities were going to be different? My career had always been my main focus and that wasn’t going to change. I was sure I would like the baby and want to spend time with her – but that was what weekends were for. Work was my buzz, my high, my drug of choice.

I decided to book the flights myself. I didn’t want Jasmine giving me a lecture about flying in the third trimester … I had to go to Argentina and that was that. If we could wrap this deal up before I had the baby, I’d go out on a high. I needed to prove my place as senior partner and this merger was my golden opportunity.

After booking the flights, I slipped off my high heels and raised my feet while I studied Eduardo Rodriguez’s file. I wanted to know everything about him and his business background so I could get him on board as quickly as possible. He was the biggest shareholder and the one who could cause the most trouble.

‘Louise – Louise … wakey-wakey.’

‘What?’ I lifted my head. Dominic was grinning at me.

Damn! I’d fallen asleep on my keyboard.

‘I hope you’re not going to nod off when you’re with Rodriguez.’

‘I wasn’t sleeping. My keyboard was acting up. I was checking it,’ I snapped.

‘You have dribble on your chin.’

I wiped it off with my hand. ‘Did you want something, Dominic?’ I asked the weasel.

‘I was going to ask you how you thought I should sell the deal to Chen Koh when I’m in Singapore. Apparently he’s getting cold feet. But you obviously need a nap, so I’ll come back later.’

‘Have you studied his background? His previous business practices? Has he ever been involved in a buy-out before? How did he react? What exactly will he gain financially from the take-over? Does he have a family? Dependants? How is his health? What are his hobbies? His passions? You need to understand him completely before you meet him.’

‘That’s all very obvious. As Alex considers you an expert negotiator, I thought you’d have some special trick or manoeuvre.’

‘You don’t need tricks. You need to be prepared, persuasive and, most of all, convincing. Businessmen at his level can smell bullshit at twenty feet. They don’t like being manipulated. That’s the key. Convince, don’t manipulate.’

‘Hardly rocket science.’ Dominic walked towards the door. ‘I’ll let you get some sleep.’

I thumped my desk. Of all the people to find me passed out on my keyboard, why had it had to be him? It would be all over the office. There was no way he wouldn’t use it against me. Shit. I really didn’t want Alex to hear about it. Where the hell was Jasmine? She was supposed to stop people barging in unannounced.

I stuck my head out the door and saw her rushing back in.

‘Where have you been?’ I snapped.

‘Sorry, Louise, Sam forgot his inhaler so I had to bring it to school for him.’

Jasmine and her bloody kids. She was always popping out for something. I was furious. ‘The next time I’d appreciate it if you informed me first.’

Jasmine sat down at her desk and began to type. Without looking up she said, ‘I was going to tell you, but you were fast asleep. I decided not to disturb you.’

I went into my office and slammed the door. This was not me. Louise Devlin did not fall asleep at her desk. I slapped my cheeks and jogged up and down. I needed to get my energy back. The jogging didn’t last long, my boobs and my bump were too big.

Why hadn’t I had that abortion? Why had I decided to have this baby? It was beginning to seem like a really bad idea. I had no control over my body. I had no control over my energy levels. I had no control over my sex life.

When Daniel had come to London from Monaco for New Year’s Eve, I’d had to tell him I was pregnant. He’d looked horrified until I’d assured him it wasn’t his. His relief had been almost palpable. But he wouldn’t have sex with me. He said it would be too weird while I was pregnant with someone else’s baby. I told him the father was not in the picture, but he still refused. I almost begged him because I wanted sex so badly, but he said no. He told me to call him when ‘the kid is out and you’re back to normal’.

Now I was big, bulky and tired, with a lumpy vagina and no sex on the horizon. Who the hell wanted a baby? It sucked. I needed reassurance. I decided to talk to my role model, Meredith Baker. Our paths rarely crossed as she specialized in employment law and was based on the other side of the building. I squashed my swollen feet into my shoes and went to find her.