Authors: Melissa Kendall
“Nice try.” He returns the file to his satchel and heads for the door. “Thank you. Have a pleasant day,” he says as he leaves.
A feeling of dread settles in the pit of my stomach. I’m going to pay for whatever it is I just signed. I’m certain of it.
***
September 7, 2220
To My Howard,
You told me a few weeks ago that I was probably making a deal with the devil and I knew it, too, but I think maybe today that deal came back and bit me. Mr Denham had me sign a document and threatened my parents if I refused. All I could think when I signed my name was that history was repeating itself. He wouldn’t even let me see what it was, so all I can do now is hope I haven’t brought about the end of civilisation as we know it.
Okay, so I’m being a bit melodramatic, but hey . . . maybe an end to life as we know it would be a good thing. I doubt he has noble intentions. Makes me want to pack up my things and disappear. I’m not sure I can last five years of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Anyway, thank you so much for your last letter. As always, it brought a smile to my face and was exactly what I needed to make my day better. I am extremely happy that I am not alone in my constantly wandering thoughts. I truly hope that we are able to share more experiences like the ones we had together. Although, I have to tell you, the whole fornication thing still scares me a little.
I cringe at my words. I’m tempted to screw this letter up and start again, but I also wonder if he wants that with me.
On another note, silly boy, don’t you know you could send me anything and I would love it? Be it a pile of crumpled paper or a dozen of the most beautiful flowers, the thought alone is enough to make my heart beat a little faster. I wish I could give you something that shows how much I appreciate your letters. I seriously doubt it is allowed, though. Just know that I would if I could.
Well, it is almost time to go home, so I am going to finish up so that I can pass this to the “mailman” on my way home. Look forward to hearing from you soon.
Thinking of you always
Beth
***
September 12, 2220
To My Love,
I have to say, I am not at all happy about that jerkoff making you sign anything. You’re right. It can’t be good. Guess only time will tell what he is planning, but I’ll say this much—if I ever get my hands on him, he will regret threatening and taking advantage of you.
I can well imagine that you are struggling with things right now. I wish I could hold you in my arms and tell you everything is going to be okay. But, if you really meant what you said about wanting to disappear, maybe one day soon that will be the case. Because you have options. Don’t think you are stuck where you are.
Now, let’s discuss this thing about fornication. First of all, you need to know I want you. I do, and I fantasise about making love with you more than I probably should. But that is what it would be, making love. I’m not sure what scary images they filled your head with at MITI, but sex is anything but scary. Matter of fact, it can be the ultimate pleasure. And if we ever get the chance to be physically close again, I will be gentle, and caring, and make sure that you are loved completely.
So . . . I’ll just leave you with that. I’m going to go to the gym and work off some steam.
Talk to you soon,
Howard
When I put the letter down my cheeks are flushed and that throb is back between my legs. I’ll be the first to admit the way Howard describes what he wants has me picturing a few fantasies of my own. I’m not sure I have a complete understanding of the concept of lovemaking, but if it is more of this pulse-pounding can’t-wipe-the-smile-off-my-face feeling, then I am definitely up for that.
I fan myself with the paper until I’m no longer going to spontaneously combust, then as has become my normal habit, I read his letter again.
On the second pass, three words draw my attention more than the others. “You have options.” I don’t entirely understand what options he means, but the possibilities have me excited and petrified at the same time.
Could he really make me disappear? And is that what I really want?
Chapter
16
Waking up with the morning lights, I turn on the radio to listen to the news. After the flurry of activity a month ago, things have quieted down to the point of being almost boring. Red still hasn’t been able to find out what happened to my parents, although he has managed to confirm they’re not dead or in jail. Estell is still imprisoned and getting closer to delivering with every day that passes. And I am still waiting for the axe to fall in regards to the document I signed for Mr Denham.
I have managed to get out and visit the public every couple of days, and that at least keeps me from going stir-crazy.
Well, that and Howard. We have continued to exchange letters every four to five days, and although I haven’t seen him since the prison escapade, my feelings for him continue to grow.
October 25, 2220
To My Beautiful Beth,
As always, I was ecstatic to receive your letter. Every time I get one I say thanks to whatever power saw fit to bring you into my life. I realised this morning that I have been here four months now. On one hand, it feels like so much longer than that and on the other, it feels like it has barely been two minutes. With any luck, my remaining time here will feel like no time at all.
I’ve been thinking about the future a lot lately and I’m certain of what I want. I just hope when the time comes, it is available to me.
Thinking of you always.
Love,
Howard
I read the last part over and over again. Does it really say what I think it does?
Love!
We’ve been increasingly intimate with our words, but this letter is the first time either of us have used the word “love.” The more I stare at it, the faster my heart beats. Is this what it’s like to be in love? This overwhelming happiness? This flutter in your stomach every time you think of a person? This almost debilitating desire to spend time with them? Could I have this feeling all the time? If Howard wants to be with me, if that’s the future he is talking about, is it what I want?
My heart is screaming
yes
! My mind is a little more cautious.
Being with Howard wouldn’t be easy, and it would mean giving up a lot. Am I willing to do that?
I wish I had someone to talk to about this, someone who could clarify things for me, but I don’t. The more I think about it, though, I don’t really need someone to talk to. Somewhere deep inside me, I know what I’m feeling is love. And I know unequivocally that if Howard offers me a future with him, I am going to take it. I hate what the government has become, and while I don’t want to abandon my citizens, there’s so little I can do for them anyway. With Howard, though . . . I might have a chance to bring about actual change.
Emboldened by my epiphany, I put my feelings into words.
October 29, 2220
To My Howard,
You have no idea how good you made me feel by the way you signed your last letter. I am fairly sure this giddy happiness that I experience every time I think about you is something akin to love, too. However, I am not going to say those three little words on paper; I would much rather do that face-to-face.
Speaking of face-to-face, any word on that front? Each day that ticks by makes me long to be with you more and more. And every time you tease me in your letters, I wish I could touch you. Maybe it’s a silly thing to wish, but being trapped in this ridiculous life and pretending to be a leader is starting to wear on me. I have no idea how the previous Matrons managed to do this for five whole years.
I thank my lucky stars for April, Susan, and Red, because I would have gone insane by now if it wasn’t for them. Susan has been teaching me to play cards, and I have gotten pretty good at rummy and poker.
Okay, so I am kind of waffling now. It is Sunday, so I do not have to worry about getting this written quickly before someone sees it who isn’t supposed to.
If you happen to speak to your mum or sister, please tell them I say hi and that I miss them greatly.
Until I hear from you again.
Always yours,
Beth
***
November 4, 2220
My Lovely Beth,
This is probably going to sound less than manly, but I did a little happy dance after reading your last letter. I most definitely think we are on the same page with our feelings, and if we aren’t, then I am more than happy to do the work so that we are.
I had a visit from my mum yesterday. It was the first time anyone has been to see me since you. Apparently, it was too risky for her to visit earlier, but she said things have calmed down a little. She said to say hi and that she and Margie miss you. She also told me that I should be a bird sometime within the next month. They are just trying to sort out a few loose ends.
You know, she gets this sneaky smile on her face every time I mention you. I think she suspects there is something going on between us. I want to tell her that you’re the most wonderful woman I know, but knowing my mother, if I admit I am interested in you, she will hound me to death until I marry you and give her grandbabies. But don’t panic, I’m not suggesting we do either of those things any time soon.
My heart beats wildly at the mention of marrying Howard and having children with him, then plummets a bit when I read his clarification—does he not want to marry me? I am kind of shocked at how much the idea excites me.
Anyway, better get going, I have work. I’ve been a good boy lately and landed myself a job in the loading dock. I quite like it there, seeing all the different trucks coming and going with deliveries.
Thinking of you always.
Love,
Howard
Excitement courses through me. It seems that he will finally be getting out of jail, even if it isn’t in the legal way. I have known this was coming, but to learn it is just around the corner is uplifting.
I’ve heard nothing of late about a plan to extricate me from my situation. I pray someone has such a plan, because I am seriously thinking of running away if I have to keep living this sham of a life for much longer.
I look up at the sound of a knock on my office door to see April standing in the opening.
“Hey.”
“Hello, Ma’am. It’s time for lunch. Do you want the usual?”
“How many times have I told you to call me Beth?”
April shrugs at my admonishment.
“Please! Calling me ‘Ma’am’ makes me feel like an old woman, and it isn’t like I hold any more power than you when it comes to the government. Only difference between you and me is that I have a fancy title and have to be in the public eye.”
“Fine.
Beth
, would you like your usual for lunch?”
“No, I don’t think I will. I’ll have eggs today.”
“Okay, eggs it is. Back in twenty minutes.”
Alone again, my mind starts turning a million miles an hour as I wonder what the Trads have planned. What if they leave me where I am and Howard disappears and I never see him again?
He’s opened a well of desire within me that I never knew existed, and now I’m not sure I could close it off again. The thing is, he owns it, and if it turns out he doesn’t want it, I’m going to be crushed.
Before I can get too lost in my negativity, April returns with lunch.
“So?” I ask as we chow down. “Don’t suppose you’ve heard anything about a plan to break me out of here?”
“Maybe,” she replies in a very noncommittal manner.
“Maybe? Either you have or you haven’t.”
“Okay, fine, I have. But don’t ask me about it because I’m not going to tell you.”
“Why?” I ask in the whiniest tone I can muster.
“Because that way if anything goes wrong, you can honestly deny knowing anything about it.”
Suddenly the lack of knowledge of these matters makes sense. They are protecting me from getting into more trouble if anything goes wrong. The fear and anxiety that was overwhelming me minutes ago has completely receded.
Relieved, I change topics. “So you seem a little happier than usual. What’s put such a giant grin on your face?”
“Nothing,” April says, but the way her cheeks colour has me certain that is not the case.
“Now come on, we’re friends, aren’t we? Something has you blushing like a schoolgirl.”
April looks around, like she’s checking to see if no one can hear. “I have a new partner.”
“What do you mean a ‘new partner’?”
“You know, for having sex.”
It’s my turn to blush. I wasn’t expecting that. Am I the only person my age not fornicating?
“Are you okay, Beth?”
“Sorry, just lost in thoughts. So tell me about this new man.”
April stares at her hands for a while before looking at me. “Well, actually, it’s the guy from Central Records, Jacob. That was how I distracted him. I flirted with him and asked him out for a drink. One thing led to another and, well . . . you know.”
“Actually, I don’t.” I wish I did, though. “What’s it like?” I want to take the words back as soon as I say them.
April’s eyebrows shoot up so high they disappear in her hair. “You’ve never . . .”
I shake my head.
“Wow.”
“Yeah.”
“Can I ask why?”
“I guess being a resident of MITI, it was never something on my radar. And the way they teach us about fornication, it sounded awful.”
April chuckles. “It’s anything but awful. It can be mediocre, sure, but even then it’s still mostly good. I’ve had three partners, but I have to admit being with Jacob is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced before. It’s like my body was designed especially for him, and even the most innocent of touches sets me ablaze.”
My shy, barely-says-two-words secretary seems to come alive as she talks about Jacob.
I wonder briefly if I sound like that when I talk about Howard, because I definitely feel it.
***
November 7, 2220
My Howard,
I honestly find it hard to imagine a situation where you look anything less than manly, but I do admit I like the idea of my letters making you so happy you have to do a little dance. Was it a waltz kind of dance or just a jig?
If you see your family again, tell them I say hi back and that I miss them, too. I must admit I liked her message.
Birds are so beautiful when they are flying. I hope one day one will fly in and scoop me up to fly with him. I kind of like the idea of marrying you and having babies; we could make a nest filled with family and love. Please tell me I’m not alone in this desire.
I need to tell you that a lot of my fears were alleviated by your last letter, as well as a conversation I had with April. She is definitely my rock at the moment. I understand why I am being kept blindfolded, but it’s been stressful not knowing anything.
I miss you so much. I don’t fully understand it sometimes. How can I miss a man that I have only interacted with in person twice? But I do, and I hope you long to see me as much as I do you.
Okay, enough mushy stuff. I need to go and prepare for this speech I am giving tomorrow to a group of students. For once, they have let me write the speech myself. Although they still had to okay it, at least they will be mostly my own words I will be speaking.
Thinking of you always,
Beth
After folding the letter, I slide it into an envelope and give it to Red. Something in the look he gives me tells me it won’t be too long before I’ll never see him or April again. It saddens me to think I will lose my two closest confidants. I wish that they could disappear with me. They have lives here, though, and I can’t ask them to give them up for me. I just hope they will be safe when I am gone and nothing bad will happen to them.
***
When I return home a few days later, I find my room in an upheaval. “What’s going on?”
Susan jumps at my question.
“Oh, Ms Greene, you scared me. I’m just packing away some of your stuff so it will be ready for storage.”
“Why is some of my stuff going into storage?”
“Well, you won’t be able to take it with you.”
“How do you know about that?”