Made sense, and maybe that was why she’d always felt something was missing during sex. “So when did you figure out…what you are?”
“Curious little sprite.” He huffed a laugh. “Years ago in college. Logan had a very kinky girlfriend who was not only submissive but wanted two men at once.” He chuckled. “We discovered we both enjoyed domination, but neither of us is generous enough to enjoy sharing.”
Years ago. All that experience. She hadn’t had a chance, had she?
“After we’d been in the lifestyle a while, we realized our parent’s relationship has a dominant-submissive dynamic, so we probably absorbed it in childhood. Not that we’ll discuss it with them. Ever.”
She laughed.
“Get some sleep, sprite. I intend to waken you before dawn.”
* * *
Jake kept his promise and woke up his little sub before the sun rose. Neither of them had much energy, so he showed her there was a time and place for vanilla sex. He used the last condom in his jeans. Then he pulled her ass back against his groin and slid into her from behind to enjoy the soft climb into arousal and release.
Afterward he held her in his arms and settled her head into the hollow of his shoulder. She fit well against him, he thought again. And he doubted he could ever get tired of having her in his bed, taking the control she handed over so sweetly, and driving them both to heaven.
One hand behind his head, he glanced down at her. He’d definitely worn her out, though. After brushing her silky hair from her face, he stroked her soft cheek, still warm and moist despite the cooling mountain air.
She stirred and burrowed a little closer.
“Go to sleep, sugar.”
“’Kay,” she murmured, obviously halfway there already. “Love you, Jake.”
The words punched him right in the gut, an impossible blow.
What have I done
? His fingers had lingered on her cheek, and now he slowly pulled his hand back.
No. This can’t happen.
As if she’d heard him speak, she stiffened, waking completely. She rose on one elbow, trying to see his face in the darkness. Her voice came out strained. “Guess that wasn’t what you wanted to hear.”
He cleared his throat. “No. That’s unexpected.” Everything in him wished to reassure her and ease the strain he heard in her voice. At the same time, he wanted—needed—to grab his pack and head down the mountain. To get away, no matter that the sun hadn’t risen. “Listen, Kallie—”
She snorted. “Relax. I was half-asleep; that’s all. No need to panic.”
Relief warmed his veins, and he forced a laugh. “So you were thinking of some other gorgeous guy you sleep with?”
Silence.
His heart fell. He should have taken the out when she’d given him one. She’d meant it; the sprite was one of the most honest people he’d ever met. “Sprite, I’m sor—”
“I’m not going to make any demands on you, Hunt,” she interrupted, her voice as cold as the air over a glacier. “My feelings are my own; they don’t need to be reciprocated like a Christmas present exchange or something.”
He closed his eyes, not getting anywhere with trying to see her face. But her body told him enough: from soft and sleepy to a tense, vibrating bundle of unhappiness. Dammit. He should never have let her get so involved, should never have broken his own rules. And like the insensitive bastard that he was, he’d hiked up here to see her and almost forced her into a relationship.
Now he needed to give her an explanation. “Like you said, Kallie. How I feel has nothing to do with how lovable you are.”
“Yeah. I know. You don’t want anything long-term. You told me. Hell, dude, everyone in town knows about your ‘one night only’ lecture.”
Small towns. Right. He wanted to say,
This is how I am
. But that wouldn’t be fair. After Mimi’s death, he’d never dated anyone seriously and never played with a submissive outside of a club or party, which meant he’d never needed to explain himself.
Kallie had changed everything. “I’d like to explain…” His mind blanked.
Shifting, she rested her forearms on his chest, setting her chin on her arms. He couldn’t even see her eyes, and for a moment, his mind substituted the memory of Mimi’s lifeless brown eyes, and then those of the missing hiker. He swallowed against a wave of nausea.
“Jake.” Her voice—husky and not Mimi’s—dragged him back. “If you want to tell me something, just spit it out.” Tough little sub.
“You know I lived with a woman a couple of years ago. Mimi. She was submissive.”
“The one who looked like me. I remember.”
“She started dating me after breaking up with someone else. When she learned about the lifestyle, it fitted her like a glove. She wanted to be a slave. To have a master.”
“So not my thing,” Kallie said under her breath.
“No. You’re more of a sexual submissive. You want to be dominated now and then. She wanted—needed—it all the time.”
“You were her master?”
“Yes.” He huffed a hard laugh. “I enjoyed it at first, having her anticipate my every need, letting me decide everything. But I’m not cut out to be a full-time master.”
She made a noise.
Continue.
“It’s tiring, Kallie. I’m a sexual dominant, and I don’t want to decide how a sub lives every minute of her day. I don’t want to make important decisions for someone else. Advise and recommend, yes. Order her to attend college? Hell no.”
“Huh. I never thought of it like that.”
“When I dom, it’s a balancing act, judging a sub’s wants and needs against my desires. You need a good handle on both because—as you’ve seen—I have the right to shut you up completely. But to do that all the time is exhausting. I have friends, both slave and master, who love it. It fulfills them. It didn’t me.”
“But it did Mimi,” Kallie said softly. The understanding in her voice shook him. Why didn’t she yell? Cry?
“Yes.” His stomach cramped. “When I uncollared her, she was…”
In despair
. “She needed to be a slave. I talked with her. We planned—I thought we planned—to go to San Francisco, where I could introduce her to some available masters. Simon offered to guest her and help her too. She was beautiful—like you—and had a deep need to serve. It wouldn’t have taken long to find someone, but…” Darkness swathed the roof of the domed tent. The blackness before dawn.
Why had Mimi just given up?
“
But
. What happened?”
The rest of the story. The part that filled him with the same despair Mimi must have felt.
How could I not have known what she was feeling
? He didn’t think he’d ever climb out of the abyss of guilt; he didn’t deserve to. “She… Apparently she didn’t believe me. I don’t know. She didn’t leave a note. We never found out why…why she threw herself off a cliff.” He hadn’t gone back to that mountain since. It must echo with her voice. Her soul.
Damn me to hell. I did that to her.
“Oh fuck.”
The husky curse splintered his thoughts. “What?”
“I’m sorry, Jake. That must have been horrible—for you both.”
“A little more for her, don’t you think?”
“Well, no. She took the easy way out; you had to go on living.”
It felt as if Kallie had slapped him. “It was my fault.”
She snorted. “Did you take responsibility for all her successes too or only the failures?”
“I—” Something in that sounded important, but it didn’t matter. Not to what they were talking about. “It was my fault, Kallie, and I won’t get involved with anyone else. So…”
Don’t love me, sprite.
“So back off. Clear enough.” She sat up, leaving his chest cold. “You know, Hunt, I’m not sure I get it. Either you figure every woman is as cowardly as your girlfriend, or you’re too much of a pussy to risk anything, because—I hate to tell you, dude—nobody gets out of this life alive. There’s no guarantee when somebody kicks off. Are you planning to spend your whole life alone, or are there a certain number of years you have to go before you’ve served your sentence?”
She grabbed her bundle of clothing and walked out into the blackness before dawn.
* * *
As she pulled on her clothes across the clearing, she heard the scuffle of boots in the dirt and saw the darkness of Jake’s form against the lighter tent. He didn’t call for her, didn’t look for her. He simply left. As the sound of his footsteps faded, she blinked hard, forcing back hot tears. Damned if she’d act as if he meant something to her. Even if he did.
Had.
Unable to stay in camp, she walked through the gray light to a high lookout point. As she dropped down to sit on the granite rock, the sun glowed behind the eastern mountains, turning the peaks pink with an outline of gold as if a child had run a yellow marker across the top.
Sunrise. Her favorite time, filled with anticipation of the coming day. Light winning out over darkness. New beginnings.
Dawn wasn’t supposed to be for
endings.
In the valley below, thick fog submerged the tall trees in an ugly gray. The way she felt right now, she might as well be down there, smothered in darkness. Hands clenched, she shoved the hurt deep inside her and smothered it in her own way, pulling imaginary tendrils of fog over it until the pain dulled. She knew how to handle loss.
Damn right I do.
Wrapping her arms around her legs, she set her chin on her knees and watched the sky brighten and the day begin.
Chapter Ten
Logan had shown a hell of a lot more understanding yesterday, Jake thought as he slapped a container of worms, a six-pack of beer, ice, and sandwich fixings onto the grocery counter.
Whipple rang them up. “Fishing?”
“For a few days.” Jake pulled out a couple of twenties.
“Is Kallie going along?”
The unexpected sound of her name hit him like an icy blade, stabbing upward from his gut into his chest. “No.”
His face must have shown something, for a spiteful smile warped Whipple’s face. “She figured you out, didn’t she? Dumped you on your ass.”
Not waiting for his change, Jake walked out. After putting the ice and beer into his cooler, he got in his truck and pulled away from the curb. In the doorway of the grocery, Whipple watched, still smiling.
A few hours later, Jake shoved open the door to their small fishing cabin. He and Logan had bought the place when Jeremy Ackers had a stroke and his family had forced him to sell. They rented it out now and then, and when not occupied, the lonely spot on the river was a great place to escape.
The small, single room looked dusty but clean. Jake set the cooler on the floor, tossed his sleeping bag onto one of the cheap cots and his duffel on the couch. With his rod and tackle box, he headed out the back door, down the tilted stone steps, and out onto the small floating dock. A few minutes later, he made a good cast and settled into a wooden chair white with age.
As if his ass planted on the creaky dock sent a signal to his brain, his anger eased and his jaw loosened. His chest still felt hollowed out. Probably nothing would change that except time. He’d felt like this when Mimi died. This might be worse.
Less guilt. More pain—a lot more pain.
Sunlight glinted off the treacherous center of the river, where the slow-moving surface concealed the fast current. The alder and maple trees along the bank whispered with a different sound than the tall mountain evergreens. Shallower. Perfect for a bastard who had caused a woman to die.
“
She took the easy way out
.” Kallie had been blunt, even brutal.
Jake turned the words over in his head.
And then his thoughts wandered down more familiar trails, the arguments he’d had with himself over and over. Could he have done something differently? Perhaps sucked it up and stayed with Mimi?
He shook his head. No. Their relationship had been falling apart already, the distance between them growing as she’d increased her dependence on him and he’d wanted less. He’d made the breakup as gentle as he could. Even before that, she’d known their time together had reached the end; she had said as much.
And he hadn’t left her. He’d stayed with her, held her, mourned with her over the lost hopes for a life together. She’d looked forward to San Francisco—he could have sworn it. Dammit, how could he, her dom, her lover, have misread her intentions and emotions so completely?
For months afterward, he’d reexamined every tiny nuance of her words, her expressions, her body language in the days prior to her death. He couldn’t—still couldn’t—see any signs that she’d felt such despair.
He forced himself to take a long breath, reeled the line in, and cast again. If he could go back and change things… If she’d never met him—if he hadn’t found her staring helplessly at a flat tire one day. If she hadn’t just broken up with Whipple… Jake sighed and rubbed his cheek, felt the stubble of a day’s growth, and couldn’t seem to care. If she’d never met him, she’d probably have met someone, married him, had children, might have lived happily ever after. She’d be alive, not dead.
The guilt of that…
He’d never have willingly hurt her. And now he’d hurt Kallie too.
He reeled in the line. A fish had nibbled off the worm. After rebaiting the hook, he cast again.
Kallie. Honest. Blunt. He snorted. Definitely blunt. “
Are you planning to spend your whole life alone, or are there a certain number of years you have to go before you’ve served your sentence
?” Did he want to live his life alone?
Silence surrounded him, broken only by the rippling river and the distant cry of a hawk. He could live his life in this kind of silence…but he wanted more than that. He’d always assumed he’d have what his parents had: love, sharing, laughter, and children.
How many years before he’d served his sentence? He lay the rod down, anchored it with his foot, and scrubbed his face with his hands. A clear-sighted woman, that Kallie. He’d done exactly that, deprived himself of any relationship.
If Mimi can’t have love, then I can’t either.
That was just… Had he really believed that?
Yep.
The sprite had also called him a pussy. He grinned for a second. Got in a lot of blows, hadn’t she? And the term fit. The pain of loss—yeah, a man would avoid that if possible, but Jake could handle loss, although the thought of never holding Kallie again squeezed his chest like a giant’s fist.