Marie Sexton - Coda 05 - Paris A to Z (4 page)

check. “Well be okay, right?” he asked. “You and me? Seein him again wont hurt us, right?”
“Seeing Jon cant change the way I feel about you.”
“Are you sure?”
I took his hand and turned it over to kiss his palm. “Im positive.”
His expression was so full of hope, I thought it was a good thing I hadnt tried to say no. He put his hand against my cheek and looked into my eyes. “Tell me what you want to do.”
All I had to do was tell him the truth. I brushed his hair out of his eyes and said, “I want to do whatever will make you happy.”
He smiled at me, the huge, excited smile of a child who woke up from his nap to find himself at Disneyland. “I want to see Paris.”
“Okay,” I said as I leaned down to kiss him. “Then you will.”

T
HE
eight weeks leading up to the trip passed quickly. We had to scramble to get our passports, and when they finally came, Angelo looked at his with a mixture of awe and excitement that made me glad Id agreed to go. Even if it meant facing Jon.

We went to Boulder the week before Christmas because I hadnt yet purchased a single gift. Angelo had already done most of his shopping online, so he spent the entire afternoon in a used book store while I shopped. He emerged at the end of the day with a plastic grocery bag stuffed full.

“Look what I bought,” he said to me as we were driving home. He held out a book for me to see. It had a ridiculously outdated black cover. The title, which was printed in hot pink and neon orange bubble letters, said,
Paris A to Z
.

“Is that a guidebook?”

 

“Yeah. I found it in the travel section,” he said, and I thought it was funny that he was apparently quite proud of it.

 

“How old is it?”

 

He checked the copyright date, and grinned over at me. “
Really
old,

Zach. Came out the same year you were born.”
“Smartass.”
“You asked.”
“What goods that going to be?” I asked. “Shouldnt you buy a new

one?”
“What, you think they moved the Eiffel Tower since then or
somethin? Maybe the Louvre went outta business?”
I still thought it was silly to rely on such an old book, but I didnt
want to do anything to dampen his enthusiasm.
Over the next few weeks, that outdated guidebook became his bible.
He studied it intently, marking pages and memorizing sections, almost as

if he expected to be quizzed on it later. He read descriptions to me of at least a dozen churches.

 

“Which one do you want to see most?” he asked.

The truth was, I couldnt have cared less. “Whichever one
you
want to see most,” I told him. And that was the truth.
Matts birthday was in January, and he received the best present he could have asked for—an AFC Championship for his Kansas City Chiefs. His excitement was tainted though by the fact that Jon and Coles wedding was scheduled for the same day as the Super Bowl. Wed be leaving on the Tuesday before it, and coming home the following Wednesday, with the ceremony taking place on Super Bowl Sunday.
“You mean my team finally makes it through the playoffs, and Im going to miss the damn Super Bowl?” Matt asked in outrage.
Jared wasnt very sympathetic. Had it been the Broncos going to the Super Bowl, I knew he would have been just as upset. But since it was Matts team, Jared seemed to delight in being glib over Matts misery. “Im sure you can find a place to watch it,” he said.
“In
Paris
?”
“Well record it and watch it when we get home,” Jared suggested, and then laughed when Matt stormed out of the room without answering him.
For myself, the weeks were full of uncertainty. I felt as if I was carrying an extra weight around inside my chest, and it seemed to get heavier every time I thought of having to face Jon.
I didnt want to see him again. That was what it all boiled down to.
My relationship with Jon had started out as many relationships do, in a state of sheer happiness. We were in college. We were each others strength when we came out to our families. We adored each other. We supported each other. It had been perfect.
But after graduation, everything changed. We moved to Arvada together, and adopted Geisha. We talked about marriage and a honeymoon trip to tour the Sonoma vineyards. I found the job at A to Z, and settled into what I thought would be a fun year for us.
It wasnt.
Although he never said it out loud, I knew Jon felt his homosexuality made him a disappointment to his parents, and he seemed to believe he could make up for it by throwing himself into his career. That would have been fine, if only he could have accepted that I had no desire to do the same. I knew from day one that he hated me working at the video store. He wanted me to do more. To
be
more. As the weeks turned into months, it became increasingly clear that our goals were different. And more importantly, my lack of goals embarrassed him. He was ashamed of me.
It had been unbelievably painful to realize that Id never be good enough for him. It made me angry and resentful, but I was stupidly passive-aggressive, and rather than confront him with it, Id embarked on a self-destructive quest to
prove
to him that Id never be the man he wanted me to be. He had hurt me, and I wanted to hurt him in return. Id been downright cruel in my need to drive him away.
Seeing him in Vegas had been a shock. I was pretty sure Angelo had no idea how hard it had been for me. What had surfaced wasnt just anger because hed hurt me. It wasnt just pain because Id lost him. What I felt, more than anything, was guilt because I knew Id broken his heart. And the worst part was, Id done it on purpose.
I hadnt been able to express any of that in Vegas. My sole concern in Vegas had been Angelo. Wed only been together for a few short months, and he was still so unsure, and so fragile. A quick fuck with Cole hadnt been a threat to us, but having to face my ex definitely was. Angelo had been extremely jealous of my past to begin with. Having to face it head-on was almost more than he could handle. So Id buried my pain, and my guilt, and instead Id latched on to my anger. Jons condescension toward Angelo, and his assumption that he was somehow the better of them had only helped fuel my rage, and I reveled in it, brandishing it, using it as both a shield and a sword in an attempt to prevent Jonathan from ruining the fragile life I was trying to build with Angelo. And it had worked.
The question was, could I do it again now? And would I need to?
I might have felt better about it if it wasnt for the fact that I was suddenly more worried about my relationship with Angelo than I had been in a very long time. Although on the surface nothing had changed, doubts had begun to plague me. Several times Id walked in to find him on the computer, only to have him quickly close the window. Every time, he said it was nothing, but it was obvious he was keeping some kind of secret from me.
“You know you can tell me anything, right?” I asked the third time it happened.
“I know.”
“But you wont.” It wasnt even a question.
“No.”
“Is it something you think will make me mad?”
“No.”
“Should I be worried? Have you met somebody else?”
“Its nothin like that.”
“But you still dont want to tell me?”
His eyes closed for a minute while he thought about that, but then he opened them and said, “I will, Zach. I promise. Eventually.”
“But not yet?”
His cheeks turned red, but he didnt look away. “Not yet.”
I dropped it, not because I didnt care, but because I knew it would do me no good to push him. I told myself to be patient—he would tell me when he was ready.
And yet, I couldnt stop dread from growing in my chest.
I began to contemplate all of the things he could be doing online. The most obvious was porn. But once again, I could see no reason he would feel compelled to hide that from me. The second most obvious, despite his denial, was that he had met somebody online and was having a cyber-relationship. It seemed unlikely to me, given Angelos distrust of all people in general. And yet, it wasnt an impossibility.
I wracked my brain for other things he might be doing.
It had been nearly three years since Id first hired Angelo to work at A to Z. And if I thought hed worked a lot back in Arvada, it was nothing compared to the hours he put in now. Maybe he was tired of it. Maybe he was looking for a new job, but was afraid to tell me.
Hot on the tail of those thoughts came a more disturbing thought: maybe he was looking for a new place to live. Maybe he was planning on leaving me, but just hadnt found a place to go yet.
I knew I was probably being ridiculous, but I couldnt stop myself from wondering. It might have helped if Id been able to talk to somebody about it, but I didnt know who. I suspected Matt didnt know any more than I did, and if he did, he wouldnt tell me. I didnt feel I could talk to Jared about it. He and Angelo had mended fences after our Vegas trip. Still, I knew that Jared often thought that Angelo was immature. He never could understand that Angelos behavior with me had nothing to do with his physical age and everything in the world to do with his complete lack of experience in relationships. Regardless, I didnt want to give him any new reason to think less of the man I loved.
It ended up being Lizzy I talked to. It wasnt that Lizzy and I were particularly close, but she helped out at the shop several hours each week, along with Jareds and Matts mothers, and we would make small talk.
“Zach,” she said one day as she came into A to Z, “can I use the computer in your office to check my e-mail?”
“Help yourself.”
“Our computers down right now. Its driving me crazy. I normally play around online while James naps. I havent known what to do with myself the last few days.”
She tossed her purse under the counter and headed for the door to the back room. “Lizzy,” I said, “what do you do online? Besides check email?”
She stopped in the doorway and turned around to look at me, pushing her wavy blonde hair out of her face. “Lots of things. I check the balance on my checking account, or the weather. I look at Twitter or Facebook, or I shop.” She shrugged. “Why do you ask?”
I felt a little bit ridiculous, but it had been weighing so heavily on my mind. I found the words tumbling out of me all in a rush. “Angelos been online a lot lately, and I dont think hes just checking e-mail. And I dont think hes having an affair or anything like that. But hes being secretive about it, and I just cant figure out what he could be doing.” I stopped, and felt my cheeks turning red. I didnt blush often, but I was definitely doing it now.
She leaned against the doorframe and grinned playfully at me. “Zach, what do all men do online?” She moved her fist in front of her groin in the classic jerking-off pantomime, and I laughed.
“I thought of that,” I said, “but I dont think thats it.”
“What about Facebook?” she asked. “Its easy to get sucked in there. Finding old friends, playing games, taking quizzes.” Although I rarely spent time on the computer (except in the pursuit of that which Lizzy had just alluded to) I did know what Facebook was.
“Maybe,” I said, skeptical.
“Think about it, Zach,” she said. She was obviously warming to her idea. “Its exactly the type of mundane social moré that Angelo would make fun of. Hed never admit to it. But hes probably just catching up with old classmates.”
“Hes a dropout.”
“That doesnt matter. Ive had people friend me on there who I havent seen since grade school. And people I used to work with too.” She shrugged. “I bet hes just getting in touch with people he knew back in Denver, and he doesnt want you to laugh at him.”