Authors: Jessabelle
“Eh?” responded the Honorable Dolph, puzzled by this non sequitur. “My sister?”
Lest she try and shake some sense into her caller, much as Vidal had done to her, Jessabelle gestured him toward a heart-backed chair and sat down herself upon a tapestried settee. “Try and concentrate!” she said sternly. “Your sister wanted to speak with me.”
So she had, recalled Adolphus; and then recalled the circumstances that had required he withhold his assistance. “
I
can’t explain it!” he hastily responded. “Dashed if I understood the little minx! But it ain’t to talk about Milly that I’ve come here today!”
“Oh?” Somewhat ironically Mme. Joliffe regarded her admirer, who wore light-colored knee-breeches which fit him so excellently it was a marvel he could bend, and a coat so superbly fashioned to his figure that he could get neither in nor out of it without the assistance of his valet. His snowy shirt-points were exceedingly high, his cravat excellently styled, his pumps were highly polished, and his silk stockings boasted a nice design of clocks. Completing this ensemble were a large array of fobs and seals, a malacca cane and a high-crowned beaver hat, currently resting on his knee.
A loose screw, Lord Pennymount had called Adolphus. Even a loose screw could with proper direction be a useful tool.
“No it ain’t!” The Honorable Dolph was made uneasy by the tendency of his beloved to stare. Perhaps she merely meant to indicate her admiration of his toilette. Certainly he was deserving of admiration. For Adolphus only the best was good enough, as could be attested by various unhappy tradesmen.
But this was no moment in which to ponder his outstanding debts. Though a novice in the petticoat line, Adolphus had already realized that contemplation of post-obit bills was not conducive to romance. “Came here to tell you I’ve a
tendresse!
Think you’re fine as fivepence! Have all the other fillies beaten to flinders! There!”
If only she and Vidal were on speaking terms, thought Jess, as she struggled heroically against mirth. The Honorable Dolph was indeed a loose screw. In point of fact, Adolphus had so many screws loose as to seem positively unhinged.
Her amusement fled. Vidal had meant to distract and disarm; else why that unexpected, and unexpectedly satisfying, embrace? The earl must be shown how badly he overestimated his persuasive abilities, and undervalued her resistance.
If only she had kept his name, the better to drag it through the mud.
The Honorable Adolphus was made restless by his beloved’s preoccupation. “I see what it is, I’ve spoken too soon! Made a sad botch of it, I daresay. Thing is, Milly wagered you’d like romantical high flights.”
“Did she, then?” Here was a heaven-sent opportunity to not only put Vidal’s nose out of joint but also put paid to his romance. Jessabelle had not forgotten Lord Pennymount’s confessed
tendresse
for his fiancée. “You have not put me off, Adolphus. I was merely taken by surprise. We must speak more of this, I think. Do not be so formal; come sit here, by me.”
Dolph was nothing loath, and in less time than it takes to recount had gathered up his high-crowned beaver hat and his malacca cane and was seated by his hostess on the settee. Once established there, he was at a loss to proceed. “So you have discovered a partiality,” Jessabelle suggested helpfully.
“I have?” inquired Adolphus. “Er, yes, a partiality! Quite top of the trees! Midsummer moon with me!”
Clearly her suitor had exhausted his stock of amorous repartee. Jessabelle stifled a sigh and took his hand. “I must count myself very honored!” she said, with a melting glance. “Very honored! So honored, in fact, that I think I must ask you to kiss me!”
“Kiss
you?” echoed the Honorable Adolphus, open-mouthed. “By Jove! I say!
May
I?”
Jessabelle bit back another sigh, took firmer grasp of her admirer’s hand, and yanked. “Yes!” she groaned, as Adolphus half-fell across her. “Pray do!”
Thus apprised of the sincerity of her startling invitation, the Honorable Adolphus obeyed. He had not a great deal of experience in such matters, having in the past satisfied any adventurous inclinations at the table of green cloth, but his enthusiasm more than compensated for his lack of expertise.
It was rather similar to the embrace of a large and affectionate puppy, decided Jessabelle, as she rescued her suitor’s high-crowned beaver hat from imminent crushing, and only barely prevented him doing himself irreparable injury with the malacca cane. “My dear!” she gasped, shoving him away. “I cannot begin to express how happy you have made me!”
Though the Honorable Adolphus was feeling somewhat disoriented—a bit as if he’d taken several drops too many to drink, he decided, although without the aching head—he suspected that there was some aspect of this situation which he had failed to grasp. He suspected also that he had best make every effort toward total comprehension, due to the distinctly smug expression on Mme. Joliffe’s face. In pursuit of that enlightenment he said: “Er?”
Poor boy! thought Jess. He was being led like a lamb to the slaughter. It was a pity, but when generals do battle, they must expect casualties within the ranks.
“You are stricken all aheap!” she generously explained. “You cannot believe the singular stroke of astonishingly good fortune which has just befallen you. How glad I am to know it lies within my power to make you as happy as you have made
me!”
Happy? After due contemplation, Dolph decided he did not feel the least bit happy. Quite the opposite, if truth be told. Nor did Mme. Joliffe look to be brimming over with good spirits. Diffidently he suggested she might have made a mistake.
Perhaps she had, thought Jessabelle, but she was committed to it now. To abandon her scheme regarding Adolphus was to give up forever all dreams of revenge. Jessabelle was only human, and incapable of so selfless a feat. “Mistake?” she echoed. “Not at all, my dear! I promise you I would not joke about such an important thing. But I see what it is; you expected that I would turn down your offer in the most decided terms. Silly boy!”
At mention of offers, Adolphus turned pale. Frantically he searched his memory, but could come up with no recollection of making any such thing. “Dashed if you ain’t the most complete hand!” he uttered, passing a hand across his brow. “Thought there for a moment you was suggesting we was to be leg-shackled, which I don’t mind admitting gave me a nasty turn! Thing is, the old gentleman would cut up perilous stiff—” Something in her expression caused him to falter in mid-speech. “Say it was a proper take-in!”
“No, it wasn’t!” Jessabelle buried her face in her hands. “Oh, was ever a female so deceived? I thought you were desirous of fixing your interest—but instead you meant all along to play fast and loose! And I even let you
kiss
me!”
The Honorable Dolph turned on the object of his admiration a somewhat anguished eye. “Tell you what!” he suggested. “Maybe I should go away!”
“You’ll do no such thing!” snapped Jess, with one viselike hand clutching his sleeve, and with the other continuing to shield her face. “Not until I have felicitated you upon breaking my heart!”
In Adolphus’s anguished eye, a glazed expression had begun to form. “A broken heart!” he echoed, weakly. “No need to make such a piece of work of it! I mean, I still hold you in the highest regard!”
“Do you?” Jessabelle lowered her hand and turned up a face so triumphant that it caused Adolphus to blink. “Then that’s all right because if you truly care for me, nothing can keep us apart. No, do not interrupt! I had begun to think you were desirous of offering me a slip on the shoulder, and it made me very sad that you could hold me in such low esteem, but now I understand that you were not offering me false coin. My dear, do not look so Friday-faced! I promise you, I shall allow no one to throw a rub in our way!”
The Honorable Adolphus had begun to seriously doubt his sister’s contention that he was smitten with Mme. Joliffe. She was a very handsome female, yes, but she was rather too forceful for his taste. When Dolph thought of a ladybird, which admittedly he seldom did, he vaguely envisioned a delicate and dainty creature who would enact the clinging vine. About Jessabelle there was nothing dainty, and there was nothing delicate about the way she clutched his sleeve. Frantically Adolphus wondered how to extricate himself from a situation that grew momentarily worse.
“Yes, but I haven’t a feather to fly with!” he slyly pointed out. “Rolled up, I assure you; pockets all to let! And so are you all to pieces. No way between the two of us we could raise the wind. Dashed if we aren’t brought to a standstill. Both of us doomed to wear the willow, alas.”
Jessabelle awarded this feeble attempt to escape her clutches the contempt it deserved. “It will accomplish you nothing to pitch me any more gammon!” she said sternly. “I know that it is for my sake that you raise these objections, and it is very sweet of you, if a trifle tedious.”
The Honorable Adolphus stared down at the floral carpet, screwed up his flagging courage, and persevered. “Wouldn’t want to ask a lady to reside in Queer Street! Ain’t pleasant to dwell under the hatches! Sorry as I am to say so—you’re first-rate, ma’am! Altogether above my touch!—I fear it just won’t
do!”
“How noble you are, Adolphus!” breathed his hostess, who still retained firm possession of his sleeve. “Never did I think to see such chivalrous self-sacrifice enacted on my account. It is self-sacrifice, is it not, my dear? You wouldn’t be so very shatterbrained as to make game of me?”
There was in Mme. Joliffe’s tone a quality that put the Honorable Dolph very forcibly in mind of her alleged tendency toward physical abuse, and he could not care for the ominous manner in which she bared her teeth. “Don’t bite me!” he cried, drawing back. “
I
ain’t prone to violence! It’s the old gentleman, you see. Not that
he’s
prone to violence either, though he has a dashed nasty way of speech—but he ain’t going to approve me tying the knot with you, and he keeps a very close hand on the purse strings. So—”
Mme. Joliffe could not allow that sentence to be completed; ruthlessly she cut in. “So you fear to arouse his displeasure by allowing your preference for me to become known? I understand. I am an older woman; I have been divorced; I have come down very far in the world.” She paused.
“You fritter away your allowance at play,” supplied the Honorable Dolph. “The old gentleman ain’t likely to approve that. So—”
“So you seek to shield me from his wrath.” Jessabelle looked severe. “Or so I prefer to think. Because if I did
not
think that, Adolphus, I would have to conclude that you
are
trying to shab off, and that would make me very cross indeed!”
Above all, the Honorable Dolph did not want to rouse the temper of a madwoman who went around slashing at gentlemen with her sharp white teeth. “Not at all!” he hastily assured her, recalling what someone— either God or Shakespeare, he thought—had said about the terrible fury of a woman scorned. “Devoted to you!”
“I am glad to hear it.” Jessabelle smiled. “You refine too much upon your papa’s dislike of the match, my dear. He will come about again once he sees he has no choice—trust me for
that!
And now I think that you must leave me, so that I may compose a notice to be inserted in the newspapers.”
Adolphus would have liked nothing better than to depart, had he been capable of movement. Although the casual observer might long since have grasped the impact of this scene, and have guessed at Mme. Joliffe’s intentions, the Honorable Dolph had not. Now that he finally did so, he almost swooned from the shock. “Newspapers!” he gasped.
Almost Jessabelle wavered, so profound was his dismay; but she reminded herself sternly that this want-witted young gentleman was her sole resource. “Of course the newspapers!” She released him, rose, and limped to her little writing table. “We must apprise the world of our happy decision; that is the way these things are done.”
The Honorable Dolph also rose, clutching his hat and cane, and cast a longing glance at the door. “Happy decision?” he echoed.
“Silly chub!” Jessabelle said fondly, as she rummaged through the table drawer. “You are stunned by your good fortune. Do not concern yourself with the details; I shall attend to them! First of all must be this notice we are to wed. But why are you hovering about, my dear? Have I not said you may go? Perhaps you wish to kiss me again!.
“No!” responded Adolphus, in hasty retreat. “I mean,
after
the knot is tied!”
Jessabelle emerged victorious from her assault upon the table, clutching a sheaf of paper and a quill. “How noble! How chivalrous! How glad I am that things have fallen out so satisfactorily!” she sighed.
That the Honorable Dolph had not the least desire to be married, he was not so want-witted as to point out. Nor did he explain his sudden aversion to kissing, which reckless action had gotten him into the suds. When the old gentleman learned of
this,
thought Adolphus, his fate would be so very singularly unpleasant that he might well envy the unhappy ends arrived at by gamblers careless about paying their debts.
To avoid that singularly unpleasant fate, he once more tried. “You’re
certain
you wouldn’t mind dwelling under the hatches—in Queer Street, the River Tick? Because I can’t guarantee to change my ways!”
“Dear Adolphus!” Jessabelle clasped paper and quill to her breast. “I do not regard it! Ladies who dwell under clouds cannot afford to be too nice in their notions! And for now,
adieu!”
The Honorable Adolphus could take a hint, and it was being strongly borne in on him that Mme. Joliffe wished him to leave. She could wish it no more strongly than he, decided Dolph. Looking remarkably gloomy for a man who’d just been granted his supposed heart’s desire, he departed Jessabelle’s morning room. With considerable more enthusiasm, Jessabelle immediately got down to work. Upon being presented with the intelligence that his ex-countess was betrothed to his future brother-in-law, Lord Pennymount would very likely fall down in a fatal fit.