Mad About You (28 page)

I stood in the shower, trying to wash away my shame and misery. As the water cascaded over me, I tried to calm down. I didn’t know if it was anger, embarrassment or stress, or perhaps it was a combination of all three, but I couldn’t stop shaking.

Shivering, I stepped out and wrapped myself in my towelling robe. I crawled under my duvet and rang Lucy. I needed my friend. I needed to talk to her and tell her what a mess I’d made and ask her for advice and have her soothe me with her wise words.

Her phone rang into voicemail. As I hung up, my mobile rang. It was Babs’s number. I answered it.

‘Well?’

‘Not good.’

‘What did you do?’

I covered my face with my hands. ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’

‘Did you stab her?’

‘What?’

‘Did you stab Harriet? Did you find them having sex over the desk and stab her?’

‘No!’

‘Did you stab James?’

‘No, stop. There is no affair.’

‘How do you know? How pregnant is she? Have you done the maths?’

I sighed. ‘It’s not James’s baby.’

‘So … what? You went down there and shouted at a pregnant woman?’

‘Not quite.’ I cringed at the memory. ‘When I got to the club James was hugging this blonde woman, so I smacked her and accused her of having an affair with him. But it turns out she’s a lesbian and she married Harriet last week and they’re having a baby together.’

‘Did James give them his sperm?’ Babs gasped.

‘No. This is my life, not a soap opera.’

‘FYI, Emma, your life
is
a soap opera.’

She had a point. At the moment it felt like a really bad, twisted TV show.

‘Well, at least you looked good while you were making a fool of yourself.’

I cringed. ‘Not so much. I got caught in the rain and arrived soaking wet and then my shoe got stuck in the mud and I fell over and ripped my tights.’

Babs began to laugh hysterically.

‘It’s not funny,’ I snapped.

‘Come on! You couldn’t make this stuff up. They must all think you’re off your rocker. I bet they feel really sorry for James now, married to a mad Irish woman with mental problems.’

I lay back on the pillow. ‘James is livid with me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so angry.’

‘Hardly surprising.’

‘
You
told me to do it.
You
said it was a good idea.’

‘Hold on. I said it was a good idea to turn up looking great and coolly threaten Harriet. I did not suggest that you rock up looking like a drowned rat and do a Frank Spencer impression by falling all over the place and then accuse random strangers of shagging your husband.’

‘Stop. I feel bad enough as it is.’

‘Right. Well, I’ll leave you and your split personality alone. Good luck with James. If I was you, I’d get some kinky lingerie on and distract him with sex.’

A little later, I heard the children coming in from school. I rushed down, still in my robe, to see them. I needed a hug. I needed them close to me. I craved the comfort of their little arms around my neck. I ran in and scooped Lara, then Yuri into a big bear hug. They squirmed.

‘Mummy, too tight,’ they objected.

‘Are you ill?’ Claire asked.

‘Filming’s been cancelled so I’ve got the day off. I just got drowned in the rain.’ Turning to the children, I said, ‘I was thinking we could do something fun together.’

‘Like what?’ Yuri asked.

Claire moved over beside me. ‘You’re very pale, Emma. Are you sure you’re not coming down with something? You look exhausted. You should go back to bed.’

My brief elation at seeing the children faded. I did feel tired and I had a terrible headache. But I wanted to spend time with Yuri and Lara and do something nice to distract myself from the horror of this morning.

‘I’m fine, it’s just a headache.’

‘What fun stuff will we do, Mummy?’ Yuri asked again.

‘Well, we could go to the library and then for a hot chocolate.’ A combination of educational and treat.

Claire fixed Lara’s ponytail. ‘Actually, Emma, I’d planned to take them to the cinema today. They really want to see the new
Happy Feet
movie.’

‘Yeah,
Happy Feet
.’ Yuri and Lara jumped up and down with excitement.

I frowned. ‘Well, can’t you do that on a day when I’m working?’

‘I booked the tickets already,’ she said, as the children continued to whoop. ‘I don’t want to let them down.’

‘Oh.’ I was disappointed.

‘If you really want to take them, I suppose I could give you the tickets,’ she muttered.

I was a bit taken aback by her attitude. It felt as if our roles had been reversed: she was the mother and I was the nanny trying to butt in.

‘No, I want Claire to bringed us,’ Lara said, clinging to Claire’s leg.

‘Yeah, we want Claire.’ Yuri ran around in circles.

I felt completely marginalized. No one in my family wanted to be with me. My husband hated me and my children preferred their nanny. If I disappeared, would any of them care? Maybe I should just pack up and leave. Clearly I was superfluous in this house. No one even seemed to like me any more.

I forced myself to smile. ‘OK, well, have fun. I’ll see you later.’ I scurried out of the kitchen before I started to cry.

I spent the next few hours in bed under the covers, feeling sorry for myself. I cried about my children choosing to spend time with their nanny instead of their own mother. When I stopped crying about that, I relived the horror of the scene I’d caused that morning at the London Irish club. Every time I thought of slapping the physiotherapist, I blushed from my toes to my hairline. I was mortified. I really had made a complete fool of myself.

Even so, I thought James should have been more understanding. After all, my paranoia was due to the stalker he had brought into our lives. I wished I could rewind the clock and things go back to the way they had been when our life was quiet and boring. I hated my new reality. I’d never felt so miserable or alone in my life.

I received a text from Lucy.
Sry can’t talk, meetings all day. Call later.
Everyone was busy working and I was alone.

I went downstairs to get something to eat and saw the post on the hall table. There was a letter addressed to me.

I opened it, and something fell out. I reached down to pick it up. It was a printout of the photo of our family that had been taken on the day of James’s interview when we’d first moved to London. James and the children were smiling out at the camera, but my face had been blackened out. I turned the photo over:
You no longer exist.

Jesus! This was getting really frightening. Before I could take it in, I heard Claire and the children coming up the path, so I shoved the photo into a drawer and took a deep, calming breath.

The kids burst through the door, laughing with Claire about something funny that had happened in the movie.

‘Did you have a nice time?’ I asked.

‘The best ever,’ Yuri enthused.

‘Good,’ I lied.

‘Do you want me to stay and cook them dinner?’ Claire asked. ‘You still look terrible.’

I’d had enough of being told I looked like crap and I wanted to be on my own with the children. ‘No, it’s fine. I can manage, thanks. You head off home.’

‘I’m happy to stay.’

‘No,’ I said firmly. ‘I’ll look after my children. You can go and see your boyfriend. Have you moved in with him yet?’

Claire smiled at me. ‘Not yet, but very soon. I reckon by the end of next week I’ll be sharing his house.’

‘Wow! Well, good luck with all that. It can be tricky when you first move in with someone. It takes a while to get used to it.’

She shook her head. ‘I know it’ll be brilliant. He’s a really amazing person and he adores me.’

‘Have you introduced him to Maggie yet?’ I asked.

‘No,’ she said, sounding defensive. ‘He’s in love with me. He’s not interested in my mother. Besides, she probably won’t think he’s right for me – she never thinks anyone’s right for me.’

Well, Claire had certainly grown in confidence. The shy little mouse who had first come to us suddenly seemed so sure of herself. She was like a different person. She looked so much better and she was happy now. She seemed so in love, and I envied her that. When I’d first met James, I was exactly the same, radiating happiness and full of confidence … but it all seemed very far away now.

Claire left and I tried to be ‘fun Mum’. The children were becoming too attached to Claire. I needed to focus on them more. I’d been so distracted lately and short-tempered, I wasn’t surprised that they preferred Claire. But I couldn’t let it continue indefinitely.

I cooked them sausages and mashed potato and let them drown it with ketchup. As they were playing with their food, I asked them about the movie and what parts were funny.

‘The best bit was when Claire buyed us loads of sweeties,’ Lara said.

‘What?’ I had specifically told Claire no sweets were allowed, unless it was a special occasion.

‘Lara! It’s supposed to be a secret, you idiot,’ Yuri reminded her.

‘Hey, don’t call your sister names, and I’ve told you, we have no secrets in this house. I don’t like secrets. Now tell me about the sweets.’

Yuri and Lara looked down at their food.

‘Come on, guys, I promise I won’t be cross. Just tell me.’

‘Claire buyed us loads of sweets,’ Yuri admitted.

‘How many?’ I wanted details.

‘Loads of jellies and she buyed us Coke for a drink,’ Lara said.

‘Coke!’ I was furious.

‘You said you wouldn’t get cross,’ Yuri reminded me.

‘I know, but fizzy drinks are really bad for your teeth. Claire knows you’re not allowed to have them.’

‘Well, Claire is super-nice and she lets us,’ Yuri said.

I was really annoyed. What the hell was she doing? I had very clearly said no fizzy drinks. I wondered if this was a one-off or a regular thing. ‘Does she buy you sweets on other days?’

‘Yes.’ Lara was in full confession mode.

‘Like what?’

‘Crisps and chocolate buttons,’ Lara listed.

‘She said not to tell you because you’d be cross with her and with us. But you’re not cross, are you, Mummy?’ Yuri asked.

‘No,’ I lied. I was extremely cross. ‘I’m just a bit surprised, that’s all. I told Claire that you were only to have treats on special days.’ I’d have to have a stern talk with her in the morning. She couldn’t start changing rules like this.

Yuri pushed his barely touched dinner aside. ‘I’m full, Mummy.’

‘Come on, love, have some more.’

‘There’s no more room in my tummy.’

‘Me too.’ Lara pushed her plate away.

I put the plates back in front of the children. ‘Now hold on a minute. You can’t go and stuff yourselves with sweets and then not eat your dinner. Come on, eat up.’

‘I’m not hungry,’ Lara whinged.

‘I don’t want this,’ Yuri complained.

‘It’s your favourite! Eat a bit more,’ I said.

‘No!’ Yuri jumped down from his chair and headed for the kitchen door.

‘YURI!’ I bellowed. ‘Sit down and eat your dinner.’

‘
Nonononononononono!
’ He opened the door, but I grabbed him by the arm before he could run away.

I picked him up and sat him on his chair. ‘I said eat.’

‘I don’t want to,’ Yuri shouted.

‘It’s yucky,’ Lara moaned.

‘Jesus Christ, just eat your BLOODY dinner!’ I roared.

The two children stared at me. Lara’s lip began to wobble. ‘You saided you wouldn’t get cross. I hate you, Mummy.’

‘You’re a big meanie.’ Yuri backed his sister up. ‘I hate you too. I want Daddy.’

‘Yeah, well, Daddy isn’t here as usual,’ I snarled.

‘I want Claire,’ Lara sobbed.

I grabbed the plates and flung them into the sink. ‘I want a new life,’ I wailed.

Although James had said he would be home early to talk to me, he was very late. He eventually walked through the door at half past ten. He came into the lounge, threw his kitbag onto the floor and stood in front of me, arms folded. He still looked very angry.

‘One of the owners of London Irish called in to see me this evening. He wanted to know if everything was all right. He’d heard there had been a commotion at the club and wanted to know if I needed to take some time off to sort out my personal life.’

This was bad, very bad. I shrank back, holding a cushion protectively across my stomach.

James was breathing deeply, desperately trying not to shout. ‘I’m working my bollocks off to make a good impression so I can keep this job and provide a stable, secure home for my family, and then
you
behave like some kind of raving lunatic and sabotage my career.’

Hold on a minute, I wasn’t taking this. I stood up. ‘I did not go down there to make your life difficult. I went because I’m demented and paranoid and I don’t know who or what to believe. I can’t take much more of this, James. It’s eating me up inside. I don’t know if I can trust you, I don’t know if you’re cheating on me or not. I suspect everyone of sleeping with you. Why are we being stalked? Why am I being tormented? You must have done SOMETHING!’

James threw his hands into the air. ‘I’m sick and tired of being accused of something I haven’t done. This is not my fault, so stop blaming me. We’ve been over this a million times. I am not having an affair. I can’t have this bloody conversation again.’

‘I’m sorry you’re tired of having this conversation, because I haven’t finished. I got the nicest letter in the post today. You might want to have a peek.’ I flung the photo at him.

He picked it up. His face fell. Wearily, he placed the photo down. ‘Emma, I don’t know what’s going on. I’m as confused and fed up as you are. I think we’ll have to get the police involved. This is out of control. I want it stopped. But right now, I need to take a bath and just be on my own for a while. I’ve got a splitting headache and I need some peace and quiet.’

‘No problem, James. You can have all the peace and quiet you want in the spare room.’ I walked out, slamming the door as I went, hoping it would make his headache worse. Then I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.