Lulu's Loves (3 page)

Jason and I were a couple. My dad laid down the rules for him and he agreed to be a gentleman. We went to school dances and every girl there was jealous, except Rachael. She just wasn’t a fan of Jason Dean. I attended his football games, and he came to my house to watch movies with my dad and me. He was my boyfriend.

As soon as he turned sixteen, Jason got his driver’s license. His parents gave him a car for his birthday, and because he trusted him, my dad let him take me out on a date-a real date. Jason told him we were going to a movie, but the direction we headed when we left, told me a different story.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“To make out. We’re going to the airport road.”

“Why?”

“I want to be alone with you. I’ve been waiting for this day forever,” he replied.

“What exactly does this mean?” I needed to know what he thought was going to happen.

“I want to kiss you, Lulu.” We pulled up to a stoplight. He turned to look my way, watching me.

“We’ve kissed,” I pointed out.

“Yeah, but we haven’t
kissed
,” he grinned.

“That’s all, right?” I was apprehensive, but he promised my dad, so I waited. I needed to know.

“This time,” he smiled.

But it wasn’t all. When he parked the car, he practically crawled on top of me. Shoving his tongue halfway down my throat, his hands found my breasts, and he started feeling them. I mean hard. Rough.

“Stop,” I said as firmly as I could spit the words out.

“I can’t, Lu; I’ve dreamed about touching them for so long. I mean more than just a feel.”

“Jason, that’s enough. I mean it. Stop.” I shoved him away and straightened my shirt.

He was pissed. His body language left no question that he was mad at me.

“Take me home. Now,” I demanded.

He started the car and sped off. “You don’t know what you’re missing,” he taunted. I realized that this was the second time he’d said those words to be. I didn’t like when he provoked me like that.

When he got to the house he parked the car and turned to me, but I was already opening the door. I stepped out, slamming the door. He called out behind me.

“I’ll call you tomorrow, but I want you to think about us.”

“What in the heck does that mean?” I snapped back at him.

“I mean I’m ready for more of you.”

I walked to the house and didn’t look back. When I opened the front door my dad was on the couch. He looked at his watch, questioningly.

“We didn’t go to the movie,” I said, flopping down beside him.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I thought for a moment. I would never lie to my dad. We’ve had plenty of uncomfortable conversations as I’d grown up, so I decided to just throw it out.

“Jason wanted to park somewhere and make out.” I saw my dad sit up straighter.

“We found a place, but really all he wanted to do was feel my breasts.” His eyebrows raised in alarm. “I stopped him. He got mad and brought me home.”

“Lulu, I need to know, so that I know what to be prepared for.” I had no idea what he was going to ask and it made me antsy. “Do you think about more with him?”

“If I’m honest, I think about it, but I’m not ready. I wouldn’t know where to begin.” I laughed, trying to ease his discomfort.

“You’re getting to that age where we need to talk about this,” he said, extremely uncomfortably.

“I’m not ready.”

“But Lulu, sometimes the boy is ready before the girl and he gets…” I heard him gulp. “He gets, um, frisky and then the girl feels like she has to.”

“I’m pretty sure that no one can make me do something I don’t want to,” I assured him.

“Lulu…oh, geeze, this is so uncomfortable.” He inhaled deeply. “Sometimes when it gets started, the thing is that, well, the girl caves because she kind of starts to like what’s happening.”

“I’ll let you know when I do.”

“Lulu, I won’t like it, but I’ll understand it. Do I need to talk to Jason?” he asked.

“No. I’ve got this.”

The next few months I was able to keep Jason at the kissing, exploring, and touching level in our relationship, but it started to get harder for both of us. He started pushing the limit every time we were together.

“I’ll use a condom. Come on, Lu,” he’d beg.

“No. I’m not taking any chances.”

I knew that Rachael and her boyfriend Tony were having sex and I talked to her about it. She told me her mom took her to the doctor. She’d been on birth control for a while. I was sure I could have talked to her mom, but I knew that my dad needed to know, even if he didn’t give his blessing. I had to do the right thing.

He took me to the doctor.

Finally, Jason made a plan. His parents were both going to see his sister and his house would be empty. We’d be alone.

He made a big deal about the whole thing. “It’ll be special, Lu, I promise.” I wondered how he knew any of this? Locker room stories, I suspected. My knowledge came from Rachael.

‘Special’ meant he put clean sheets on the bed and threw his t-shirt over the lamp. The rest of our first time was groping and hurried foreplay to get me “wet,” so it’d go in easier.

It wasn’t ‘special’ at all. It hurt. It wasn’t be memorable. I was just glad it was over.

“Lulu, if he doesn’t make you all tingly and happy, then it isn’t good,” Rachael told me…

“There was none of that. Neither of us really knew what we were doing. He enjoyed it. For me, it was painful. I really just wanted him to finish so it’d be over.”

“It’ll get better,” she assured me.

We were a couple. We were having sex, but I knew where I stood. Football was the most important thing in Jason’s life; I was a far off second. The sex got better, but I always felt as though it was all about pleasing Jason. We were a couple all through high school, and everyone said we’d get married. I knew differently. We were a couple because Jason thought we looked good together, and he liked that. I knew that he was my high school boyfriend, not my forever love. I believed that our relationship was convenient, and as long as we were a couple, I didn’t have to deal with the other assholes that showed interest in me.

He worked, as he put it, ‘hard, smart, and safe’ to assure that he got a scholarship. A full ride to be exact. Everyone said he was ultimately headed for the NFL. That was his dream. The situation with his sister had gotten worse, to the point that his parents were never home. They were never there for his games, academic awards, or recognition. It became obvious to me that Jason become more and more bitter over the situation.

As the end of our senior year drew closer, Jason got the full ride scholarship to The University of Miami to play for the ‘U.’ It’s what he’d worked for and the school he really wanted. He was thrilled. I was proud, but sad because I knew I wasn’t going to Miami.

“Change your plans, Lu. Come with me,” he begged.

“Jason, I’ll come down every weekend I can. I’ll make it to every game that I can, but my scholarship is for right here in Jacksonville–home, where I’m close to my dad. They have the program I want for my degree and it will be less money than going to U of M.”

“Jesus, Lu. We’ll figure it out. Go with me!” he pleaded.

“I can’t.”

In reality, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to play second fiddle to the pigskin he worshiped anymore.

His scholarship was the beginning of our end.

1995

After he got to the University of Miami, he became the newly inducted Big Man On Campus: the hotshot up and comer. I didn’t like that whole persona, but Jason lived it. We talked every night, but it was always ‘me this’ or ‘I that.’ He didn’t ask what I’d been doing, it was all about Jason Dean. I didn’t expect that. I knew my place, but I didn’t realize I’d get pushed so far back in his priorities.

I drove down for his first home game. When I arrived, I went to the place he told me to meet him. As I walked up, I noticed that he was with a group of his new friends. He saw me and broke free, making a big deal to welcome me, kissing me and hugging me dramatically, as though to make sure everyone noticed. They did. He went on to tell everyone the story from gym class about my boobs. Every guy there turned to look. I felt like I was on showcase, a spotlight that I didn’t want, but Jason was happy to show me off.

Finally, we went to have a bite of lunch. “Damn, Lulu, I’m glad you’re here.” We sat together in a booth and he kissed me like he meant it.

“I’ve missed you. I didn’t know it’d be this hard…”

He took my hand and shoved it to his crotch. “
This
hard?” 

I pulled my hand away. “I meant that I’d miss you so much.”

“I have practice later and then I’ll come to the hotel. We’ll catch up.” He waggled his eyebrows. I knew what he meant. All he was thinking about was sex.

He came to my hotel room after practice. I was excited and anxious; we hadn’t seen each other in several weeks. He kissed me. It was a sweet, romantic kiss, and then went to shower. When he was done, he went to the bed naked, and patted the place beside him. I joined him.

It didn’t feel right, and for some reason, I was nervous. After I joined him, he leaned over the side of the bed, pulled a bottle of Jack Daniels from his bag and took a big sip, and then another. He handed it to me.

“No thanks,” I told him. I felt disappointed. He’d gone all through high school without stooping to that, but here he was, underage with a bottle of Jack in a hotel room. He took a couple more big slugs and set the bottle aside.

All of a sudden, he was like an octopus. His hands were all over me:  groping, rough, and demanding.

“Stop,” I said.

“Come on, Lu. Its been a while, let me love you,” he said, grabbing my boobs. His hands kneaded and it hurt.

“Then love me, Jason, but not like this.” I pushed away, but he jerked me back.

“Stay right here,” he commanded. He straddled me and took another slug of the Jack.

“You’re hurting my arm,” I said quietly.