Luck of the Bodkins (5 page)

‘
Of course. And then -?'

‘
Uncle Gregory got Lord Emsworth to take me on as his secretary at Blandings Castle. I got fired.' 'Naturally. And then -?'

'Well, then I took matters into my own hands. I ran into
a
fellow named Pilbeam, who owns a Private Inquiry Agency, and finding that he employed skilled assistants got him to make me one.'

Reggie stared..

'Private Inquiry Agency? Do you mean one of those detec
tive things?' ‘
That's right.'

‘
You aren't telling me you're a ruddy sleuth?
’
That's right.'

'What, Maharajah's rubies and measuring bloodstains and all that sort of thing?'

'Well, as a matter of fact,' said Monty, becoming more specific, 'they don't give me a great deal to do. I'm simply down on the books as a skilled assistant. You see, what happened was that I told Pilbeam I would give him a thousand quid if he would take me on, and we did business on those lines.'

'But my uncle John doesn't know that?'

'No.'

·All he knows is that you have got a job and are holding it down?
’
'Yes.'

Reggie was mystified.

'Well, if you ask me, it seems to me that that sounds extraordinarily like the happy ending. Whether a chap is, or is not,
a
mug to cough up a thousand pounds simply in order to marry my cousin Gertrude is a point into which we need not go. The price appears stiffish to me, but no doubt you look at it from another angle. What went wrong?'

Monty's twisted face betrayed the tortured soul.

‘I
don't know!
That's what has got in amongst me so fright
’
fully. I simply haven't a notion. I went off to Cannes for a bit of a holiday, feeling that everything was splendid and that I was sitting pretty. Nobody could have been matier than Gertrude when I left. She was all over me. And then one morning a telegram comes from her, breaking the engagement and giving no reasons.'

'No reasons?'

'Not one. Nothing. Simply the raspberry. It was inexplicable! I was stunned.' 'Naturally.'

'I came back at once by aeroplane, and called at her house
’
She wouldn't see me. I rang her up on the telephone, and drew nothing but a butler with adenoids. So, knowing that she was going to America with this hockey push, I thought the only thing to do was to go, too, and have it out with her on the voyage. There's evidently been some footling misunderstanding.'

'Could she have heard something about you?' 'There's nothing to hear.'

'You didn't by any chance, while at Cannes, whoop it up with those mysterious foreign adventuresses who haunt those parts? And somebody might have told her about it, I mean?'

'There weren't any foreign adventuresses. At least, I didn't see any. My life at Cannes was as blameless as dammit. I just bathed and played tennis most of the time.'

Reggie reflected. The thing did, as Monty had said, seem to have a touch of the inexplicable.

'Do you know what I think?' he said at length.

‘
What?'

'It looks to me as if she
had just got fed up with you.' ‘
Eh?'

'Thought it all over, I mean, and decided that you aren't the type. Girls do, you know. They take just that one look too many at the photograph on the dressing-table and the scales fall from their eyes.'

'Oh, my gosh!'

‘I
n which case, of course, pretty drastic measures are called for. The subject has to be given a good sharp jolt.' 'How do you mean, a jolt?'

‘
Oh, there are various ways. However, don't you worry. I
’
ll handle this business for you. It's pretty obvious that that is what must have happened. She's gone off you. You've lost your glamour. But there's no need for you to get worked up about it Everything will come right.'

'Do you really think so?'

'Definitely. I understand Gertrude. I've known her since she was so high. I'll tackle her. As a matter of fact, I was starting to just before the train went, and I think I had got her going. Once we're on board, I will go to her and give her the works.'

'It's awfully good of you.'

'Not at all. There isn't much,' said Reggie, regarding his friend with sincere, if bleary-eyed, affection, 'that I wouldn't do for an did pal like you, Monty.'

'Thanks, thanks.'

'And I don't imagine that you would hold back if you had a chance of doing me a good turn.'
‘I
should say not.
’
‘
You would spring to the task.
’
'Like a panther.'

'Exactly. Well leave everything to me. Ill have that glamour of yours functioning again before you know where you are. And now,' said Reggie, 'if you don't mind, I think I'll just close my eyes for a while. I was in bed this morning at five-fifty and it's left me a little drowsy. A spot of sleep may do my headache good.'

'Have you got a headache?'

'My dear chap,' said Reggie, 'last night the Drones gave me a farewell party with Catsmeat Potter-Pirbright in the chair. Need I say more?'

Chapter 4

On a fine summer day, with the sun shining and the wavelets sparkling and a clean, cool breeze blowing out of the west, there are few things pleasanter than to travel from Southampton to Cherbourg in an ocean liner. Always provided, that is to say, that you have not got somebody like Monty Bodkin on board.

If Monty Bodkin had resembled a spectre at Waterloo Station, still more did he resemble one during the few hours which it took the R.M.S.
Atlantic
to pull out of Southampton Water and cross the Channel. During those hours he shimmered unceasingly, causing annoyance to all.

Patrons of the smoking-room choked over their beer as he shimmered in through the doorway, gazed about him with haggard eyes, shimmered out again and then - sometimes only a few minutes later - shimmered back and stood gazing once more. Old ladies, knitting in the drawing-room, sensed
his silent approach and dropped
stitches. Girls in deck-chairs started as his shadow fell upon their books and, looking up, recoiled from the stare of his snail-like eyes. There seemed to be no getting away from him.

For Monty was looking for Gertrude Butterwick, and it was his intention to explore every avenue. Only when the vessel lay motionless outside Cherbourg harbour did he abate the nuisance. By that time, his shoes had begun to hurt him, and he went to his state-room to lie down on the bunk. This, he felt, would enable him not only to take the weight off his feet but to do some constructive thinking. And if ever a situation called for constructive thinking, this did.

His feelings on opening the door and finding the bunk occupied by Reggie Tennyson were mixed. There was regret, for his feet were now exceedingly painful and he wanted that bunk himself; joy, because he presumed that the other would not be there unless he had come bearing news.

This, however, proved an erroneous theory. Reggie had no news. His eager 'Well?' produced merely the information that his friend had not so much as set eyes on Gertrude since arriving on board.

'I've looked everywhere for he
r’
said Reggie, anxious to remove any idea that he had been loafing on his errand of mercy, 'but she seems to have gone to earth in some secret dug-out.'

There was a pause. Then, just as Monty was about to suggest that if Reggie could spare the bunk he would be glad to have it, his attention was diverted by the sight of an alien suitcase on the floor.

'What's that?' he asked, surprised.

Reggie sat up. His manner betrayed a certain diffidence.

'Oh, that?' he said. 'I was wondering when you would notice it.
That's mine’
' 'Yours?'

‘Yes. Monty’
said Reggie, speaking with some urgency, 'do you recollect what we were saying in the train?
’
'About Gertrude?
’

‘
Not about Gertrude. About you and me. About what extraordinarily good pals we had always been, so that if there ever happened to be a moment when one of us could do the square thing by the other he wouldn't hesitate. You said, if you remember, that if you had a chance of doing me a good turn you would spring to the task?'

'Of course.
’

‘
Like a panther, if I recall?
’
‘
Absolutely’

‘Right’
said Reggie. 'Well, now Is your time. This is where you do your stuff. I'
ve changed state-rooms with you’

Monty stared. His intelligence was a little clouded from long meditation.

'Changed state-rooms?'

‘
Yes. I've had your things shifted down to mine.
’
‘
What on earth for?'

'It had to be done, old boy. The fact of the matter is, a rather awkward situation has arisen.'

Reggie made himself comfortable amongst the pillows. Monty took off his shoes. The relief thus obtained put him in broad-minded mood. Twiddling his released toes, he told himself that Reggie would not have done this thing without some good reason. It remained only to elicit this reason.

'How do you mean, an awkward situation has arisen?'

'I will tell you. Before doing so, however, let us relax. Have you such a thing as a stinker?'

'Here you are.'

'And a match?'

'Here you are.'

'Thanks,' said Reggie. 'Well,' he proceeded, puffing, 'it is like this. You know Ambrose?' 'Your brother Ambrose?
’
'My brother Ambrose.'

'Oh, yes, fairly well. We were up at Oxford together, and we see a certain amount of one another...'

'Did you know he was on board this ship?
’

'Ambrose? But he's at the Admiralty.'

'No. He's not. That's the whole point. I was trying to tell you in the train, but you wouldn't listen. At this hour, as you say, Ambrose ought to be at the Admiralty, initialling memoranda in triplicate or dancing hornpipes, or whatever it is they do there, but in actual fact he is roaming the deck of this oceangoing ship in
a
pin-stripe flannel suit and
a
yachting cap. He has chucked the Admiralty and is going to Hollywood to write motion-picture scenarios.'

'You don't mean that?'

'And, what is more - this is the part that will test your credulity to the utmost - on a five years' contract at fifteen hundred dollars a week.'

'What!'

'I thought you would be surprised. Yes, that is what a bloke called Ivor Llewellyn is paying him - fifteen hundred dollars a week. Have you ever read any of Ambrose's bilge?'

‘
No.'

‘
Well, it's absolute drip. Not a corpse or a mysterious Chinaman in it from beginning to end. And this fellow Llewellyn is paying him fifteen hundred dollars
a
week! I tell you, Monty, it's - what's that word of yours?' 'Inexplicable?'

'That's the one. It's definitely inexplicable.
’

No man in Reggie Tennyson's condition, already shaken from saying 'initialling memoranda in triplicate', can utter the words 'definitely inexplicable' without Nature taking its toll. A sharp twinge of pain contorted his face, and he lay for
a
moment with his hands pressed to his temples, trying to pull himself together.

'But what, you are about to ask,' he resumed, when the spasm had ceased, 'has the fact of Ambrose being on board got to do with my wanting to change state-rooms? I will tell you. I remember in the train, when you were talking about your engagement and why it had been kept dark, you used an extraordinarily neat phrase. You said - what was it? Ah, yes. You said that there were wheels within wheels. Wasn't that the expression?'

'That's right,' said Monty, who thought it good himself. 'Yes. Wheels within wheels.'

'Well, there are wheels within wheels here. As I said just now, a very awkward situation has arisen. Did I ever happen to mention to you a girl of the name of Lotus Blossom?
’