Luck of the Bodkins (15 page)

'In one moment, miss, after I've had this word to which
I
allude. It's with ref. to that alligator of yours. Are you aware, miss, that the reptile is navigating at the rate of knots along the corridor and may at any moment begin scaring the day
’
lights out of nervous people and invalids?'

Lottie Blossom uttered a bereaved cry.

'Didn't you fasten the lid of its basket?'

'No, miss. In answer to your question, I did not fasten the lid of its basket. When a lady instructs me to open a wicker-work basket and I find inside a young alligator which if it had aimed half an inch more to the left would have took the top of my thumb off, I don't hang about fastening lids. It would be nearing the main companion-way by now, I fancy, and if you wish for my opinion, miss, I think it should be overtook and fetched by some responsible party.'

The prospect thus held out of getting rid of Miss Blossom enchanted Monty. It was not that he was actually looking forward to being left alone with Gertrude, but there could be no doubt that the situation would be greatly eased if that red hair was no longer there for the dear girl to stare at.

'He's quite right,' he said. 'You'd better get after it immediately. Mustn't have alligators roaming the ship, what? Might annoy Scupperguts, eh, Peasemarch?'

The matter,' said Albert Peasemarch coldly, 'would scarcely fall within Scupperguts's province.'

'Well, the Dooser.
’

'Nor into that of the Dooser. It would be more a case for Jimmy the One.'

'And we don't want to upset Jimmy the One, do we?' said Monty heartily.
‘I
should start now, if I were you.'

Lottie Blossom moved to the door, muttering strange Beverly Hills expletives beneath her breath.

'It's a wonder people wouldn't fasten lids,
’
she said querulously.

'You fail to appreciate my position, miss,' urged Albert Peasemarch, following her out. 'You don't, if I may venture to say so, quite seem able to understand my point of view. To have fastened that lid would have involved putting my hand a lot closer to the reptile's iron jaws than what I would have wished to put it. Use your intelligence, miss...'

His voice died away in the distance, reasoning closely, and a gulp at his side told Monty that the committee of two, into which he and Gertrude had been formed, was about to go into session.

He braced himself to play the man. That things were looking a trifle glutinous, he could not deny. Bodkins, from the days of the great crusader, Sieur Pharamond de Bodkyn, had done their bit in England's rough island story, running risks of which their insurance companies would not have approved, but not a Bodkin on the list, he felt, had ever been in a tougher spot than that in which their twentieth-century representative now found himself. For what is a jab from a Paynim lance or
a
bullet through the leg at Fontenoy compared with the prospect of having one's life's happiness laid in ruins?

Gertrude's eyes were cold, her lips set. Her whole aspect was that of a girl who has been doing a lot of hard thinking about butterflies.

‘
Well?' she said.

Monty cleared his throat, and endeavoured with his tongue to correct a certain dryness of the mouth. 'That,' he said, 'was Miss Blossom.' 'Yes. You introduced us.'

'So
-
I
did. Yes. She's a bit disappointing, don't you think?' 'In what way?'

'Off the screen, I mean. Not so pretty as one would have expected.'

'You did not think her pretty?'

'No. No. By no means. Not at all. Quite the reverse."

‘
Oh?' said Gertrude, employing in her utterance of the word that rising inflection which he liked least.

He applied first-aid treatment to his palate once more.

'You were doubtless surprised,' he said, 'to find her in here.
’

‘
I was.
’

‘
You wondered, no doubt, what she was doing?
’
'I could see what she was doing. She was letting you stroke her head.'

'Quite, quite,' said Monty hastily. 'Or, rather, not quite. You don't get what I mean. I mean, you wondered, no doubt, what her motive was in coming in here. I will tell you. And I wasn't stroking her head, I was patting it. Her motive in coming in here was to see Ambrose.' 'Ambrose?'

‘
Ambrose. Your cousin Ambrose. That was her motive in coming in here. To see him. She wanted to see Ambrose, you understand, and she thought this was his state-room.'

‘
Oh?'

There was apparently some confusion in the passenger list.
’
‘
Oh?'

‘
Yes. Some confusion.
’

‘
And what has she got to do with Ambrose?
’

"Why, they're engaged.'

‘
Engaged?'

'Yes. Didn't you know? I suppose they kept it dark - like us. Few people,' Monty reminded her, 'know of our engagement.'

‘I
'm not at all sure that there is an engagement for them to know of.' 'Gertrude!'

‘I
'm trying to make up my mind. I find you in here, stroking this woman's head -'

'Not stroking. Patting. Any man with a heart would have done it. She was in trouble, poor thing. She had just had a row with Ambrose. All through Reggie, the silly ass.'

‘
Reggie?'

Something seemed to go off in Monty's head like a spring. There was a ringing in his ears, and the state-room flickered about him. The sensation was entirely novel to him, but what had happened was that he had had an inspiration. It was as if the mention of Reggie's name had released a flood of light, illuminating the perilous path along which he had been timorously picking his way.

For the first time since she had come into the room, he found himself facing the situation with an uplifted heart. His Voice, as he spoke, had a strange, new ring of confidence.

‘
Reggie,' he said primly, 'has been behaving very badly.
I
was just coming to look for you, to tell you about it. I want to talk to you about Reggie.'

‘I
came to talk to
you
about Reggie.
’

‘
Did you? Have you heard, then? About him and Ambrose and Miss Blossom?' 'What do you mean?'

Monty's face took on an almost Peasemarchian expression of disapproval. He looked like an aunt.

'I think,' he said, even more primly than before, 'that you ought to have a word with Reggie. Or somebody ought. I mean to say, that sort of thing may be amusing from his point of view, but, as I told him, it's not quite playing the game. I hate these practical jokes. I can't see anything funny in them.'

'What
are
you talking about?'

'I'm talking about what Reggie's been doing. What he doesn't realize - mere thoughtlessness, of course, but what he doesn't realize —
’

'But what has Reggie done?'

'I'm telling you. You know what he is - one of the biggest liars in London -' 'He isn't.'

'Pardon me, yes. And on top of that he's got this distorted sense of humour. So what happens? The silly ass goes to Miss Blossom and fills her up with a lot of rot about what a devil Ambrose is and how she's a mug if she trusts him an inch, and so on and so forth. A nice thing, what? I can tell you I was pretty terse with him. I didn't like it, and I let him see that I didn't like it. As I told him, jokes of that sort may so easily lead to trouble and unpleasantness. Well, take this case. Miss Blossom won't speak to him. To Ambrose, I mean. She took it all in, like a chump, and went off the deep end. You saw how she was crying just now.'

Gertrude seemed spellbound,

‘
Reggie did that?'

'Yes.'

'But - but why?"

‘I’
m telling you. Because he's got this distorted sense of humour. Anything for a laugh.' 'But where does the fun come in?'

'Don't ask me. But he tells me he often does it. Goes to girls, I mean, and kids them that the fellows they're engaged to are regular hell hounds. Just to see them jump.'

‘
But it seems so unlike Reggie.'

‘
I thought so, too. But there it is.
’

‘
Why, he's a little fiend!'

'In human shape. Absolutely.'

The little brute!'

"Yes.'

'Poor old Ambrose!
’
‘
Yes.'

'I'll never speak to Reggie again.
’

Gertrude's eyes blazed. Then suddenly the fire was quenched. A tear stole down her cheek. 'Monty,' she said remorsefully. 'Hullo?'

'No. I don't know how to tell you.
’
Tell me?'

A struggle seemed to take place inside Gertrude Butterwick. 'Yes, I will. I must. Monty, do you know why I came here?'

'To take me off to dinner? It'll be dinner-time soon, I suppose. Whose table are you at?'

'The captain's. But never mind that -
’

'I'm at Jimmy the One'
s. What a nuisance we aren't to
gether.'

'Yes. But never mind that. I want to tell you. I feel such
a
beast.'
‘
Eh?
’

Gertrude gulped. Her eyes fell. The blush of shame was on her chee.k.

'I came here to return the Mickey Mouse you gave me.
’
‘
What!'

‘
I did. You'll hardly believe this, Monty-' 'Believe what?'

This evening, Reggie came to me and told me about you exactly what you say he told Miss Blossom about Ambrose.' Monty stared. 'He did?'

'Yes. He said that there was never a moment when you were not making love to three girls at a time -' 'Good heavens!'

‘
- and that you were so artful that you could persuade each of them that she was the only one you cared for.'

‘Well, I'm dashed!
‘

Another gulp escaped Gertrude.

'And, oh, Monty darling, I believed him 1'

There was a tense silence. Monty registered amazement, pain, incredulity, and indignation.

'Well, really!'he said.

‘I
know, I know!'

"Well, really,
’
said Monty, 'this beats everything. Upon my sacred Sam, I positively am dashed. I wouldn't have thought it of you, Gertrude. You have hurt me inexpressibly, old egg. How you could be such a mutton-headed little juggins -
’

‘I
know, I know. But, you see, coming right on top of that tattoo thing on your chest -'

‘I
explained that. Explained it fully.'

'I know. Still, you can't blame me for thinking things.
’

'Yes, I can. A pure, sweet English girl ought not to think things.'

'Well, anyway, I don't believe it any longer. I know you love me. You do, don't you?'

'Love you? Well, when you reflect that in order to win you I became assistant editor of
Tiny Tots,
a journal for the Nursery and the Home, and then secretary to old Emsworth - and what a soft snap
that
was! -
and after that one of Percy Pil
beam's skilled birds, I should think you ought to be able to realize by this time that I love you. If you can't get that into your fat head -'

'It is fat, isn't it?' said Gertrude, with remorse.

'Pretty fat,' assented Monty sternly. 'Why, look at what happened just now. Would anybody but a fat-head have taken up the attitude you did when you found me in here with Miss Blossom? I don't mind telling you that I was not a little wounded by your manner. You shot a very nasty look at me.'