Loving Sarah (15 page)

As she braided her hair, he made use of the pot. He reappeared and took the chair from against the bench and moved it to the center of the room. He watched her, studied her as she dressed, without saying a word, and it was disconcerting to her. When her coat was buttoned and her braid was tied, she turned back to him to tell him she was leaving the room, but he stopped her.

“When we reach New York, we will marry and….”

She closed her eyes, knowing this was what she’d dreamed, but saw his expression from the other night when he asked,
“Did you trap me?”
To cover her pain, Sarah barked out in laughter. “I will never marry you, Captain, so you may as well get that into your thick skull.”

“You’ll marry me.” He sounded so certain it irritated her. “And because we will marry, I’ve decided I’m moving back to my bed.”

For a fraction of a moment, a thrill ran through her at the thought of them once again exploring bodies and finding satisfaction in each other’s arms. Then she remembered, he was only doing this because of her brother and Lucky. He didn’t care for her at all. She had to set him straight, as she was not giving up her life of independence and adventure. “Listen, Ian, my only wish is that for the duration of this journey, we not yell, throw unfounded accusations, or walk off without finishing our discussions.” She wanted him to understand she was serious about not marrying him.

“I will work on that, as it is a weakness I have.”

“Great. Work on it now, and perfect that part of your personality before you find some lovely young lady to marry—when your plan allows.” She grabbed the tureen from the night before to take to the galley. “Especially the part about hurling accusations. It will make for a much more peaceful life.”

“Sarah, I apologize for raising my voice with you. I’m not accustomed to dealing with ladies of your caliber. And though I made accusations in the heat of the argument, those
were
my feelings at the time.” He sighed as though he was feeling those emotions again. “I was feeling trapped.”

“The last thing I want to do is trap you, which is why I do not want to marry you. It was never my intent, Captain.”

“What was your intent, if I might be so bold as to ask?”

“I was curious, Captain. That is all. And you’ve now satisfied my curiosity.” Taking the tureen, she left him in the room and went to get her breakfast. And this time, for the first time since leaving Liverpool, she ate her breakfast in the galley under Seamus’s watchful eye to give her captain time to leave the cabin.

A
fter luncheon, Ian stood at the door to the cabin, hand raised, ready to knock. He debated with himself about taking her above to walk a time or two about the main deck. She’d said earlier that she was bored and had read some of his books, and he knew there was not much in the way of romantic novels or poetry in his collection, which led him to believe she might like a walk in the fresh air.

Knowing he needed to apologize, and they needed a fresh start if there was to be any harmony with her at all, he stood at the door, feeling somewhat green and nervous. If he didn’t think there was a chance for some happiness, he wouldn’t have been there. He could just as easily have said they would marry, deposit her in England afterward, and go on about his life.

Except for the need for an heir one day.

And the strong desire for that luscious body of hers.

He rapped twice.

He heard shuffling, and in a moment she stood before him, her braid falling down her back and the loose tendrils around her face curling loose and free. He wanted to touch them but restrained himself.

“Yes, Captain,” she said, a curious tilt to her head.

“I thought in the interest of restoration of harmony, I might escort you on a walk in the sun for a bit.”

“Though I would love a walk in the open air, I’d rather do it on my own and not with you, Captain.”

“I’m sorry, my lady, but the only way you will have freedom to walk the decks is with my escort.”

She went back into the room, and he followed. When he looked at the mussed bed covers and the arranged pillows he realized why he heard the shuffling. “I’m sorry. Did I disturb your rest?”

“Not really. I cannot seem to find a comfortable position for longer than ten minutes.”

“Perhaps if you got up and moved around it might help,” he offered.

“But that would mean I’d have to go up with you, and I’d rather not.”

“Are you afraid you might fall under my spell?”

“You’re forgetting. I’m the manipulative one, I don’t fall under spells. I weave them to the demise of all men I wish to ruin.”

Ian knew after the things he’d said the other night, he’d not have an easy time of making peace with her. Still, she had to know he wasn’t backing down.

“Sarah, I’ll be sleeping in this bed tonight and every other night. You can lie to yourself all you want and think we will not marry, but the fact is our fate was sealed from the moment you climbed out of that forward sail locker. And you might want to think on this…had you actually made it on board
Avenger,
you would have been in worse situation than you are now.”

“Impossible,” she argued.

“Oh, yes,” he replied. “You would have been ruined, even more had you landed on Lucky’s boat. Your family would have had to scramble to find someone to marry you quickly to save your reputation because Lucky is not your brother by blood. And I know he would never marry someone he considers a sister, and neither could you marry someone you loved as a brother.

“So any acceptable match would be considered. It easily could have been someone beneath your status who needed your money. Or an overweight old man willing to look the other way at the situation you found yourself in for the opportunity to beget his heirs on you.” She lowered herself onto the bench, and he could see she knew he spoke the truth because she had no argument. “I can assure you it would not have been me taking your hand, because as I said the other night I was not prepared for a bride. I’m
still
not. But I have resigned myself to the fact.” He didn’t have to explain to her the arguments, both for and against, like he’d had with himself while he sailed through the storm. His inner struggles were his own. And for as long as he could, he’d shield her from the bastard in Edinburgh.

“How many times are you going to make me apologize for being curious the other night?”

He chuckled slightly, and her complexion turned deep pink. “My lady, that was beyond curious.”

She stared at the ceiling, and Ian could see, even through her closed eyes, she fought tears. “You should have refused me. Told me….”

He walked over to where she sat and stood before her. Her hair blew out of her braid because of the breeze coming in the open porthole behind her. Reaching out a finger, he touched her face, intending to push the curls behind her ear, and her red-rimmed blue eyes opened. “I felt something too. That’s why I think there might be a chance for some middle ground here. I’ll not protest a marriage, because it was decided for us before we shared my bed.”

She turned her cheek away. “As much as I accept your apology for your words the other night, I still do not wish to marry anyone. And that includes you, Captain.” Sarah would be damned before she settled for a man
resigned
to marrying her. He either wanted her or she wouldn’t marry him.

He walked over to her jacket and handed it to her, then offered her his hand to help her stand. “Think on it for the next few weeks. It would easier on both of us if we married in New York and returned home happily wed.”

She managed to get her arm in one sleeve, but had difficulty with the other. He assisted her, then helped her with her buttons.

“Come. A walk in the sunshine will do you some good.”

T
hat night, Sarah decided her aches and bruising were at its peak. From what she could tell not having a pier glass, she looked like a giant walking eggplant. She truly was bruised from knee to shoulder and across her back. She was just thankful to the high heavens there were no broken bones and that her clothing covered all of the bruising. The bump on her head had already begun to diminish, and her head hurt less and less as the day had gone on. Ian brought her to the cabin hours ago and returned to his position for the remainder of his shift, and while he was gone, she had time to think about his idea.

As much as she would have liked to marry someone as stimulating as he, she couldn’t do it. He didn’t want her. He’d bluntly admitted he was
resigned
to marrying her. And as if that wasn’t painful enough, she still relived his words from that night, the painful accusation of intentionally trapping him and his explanation from this morning when he admitted those really were his feelings at that time.

“Well, he can keep his feelings,” she said aloud to the room’s feline occupant. “And I shall keep mine.” She heard the dinner bell and decided to fetch her dinner quickly and eat it, thus avoiding Ian if he thought to walk her to the galley now that he thought was going to marry her.

She’d made it through the line to get her meal with everyone else and thankfully never saw Ian. He was likely above, letting his crew have a turn at the food first. She’d noticed that about him since she’d been on his boat. Sarah, though, preferred to eat first because she noticed there was more beans, meat, or grain in the food if you got in the line earlier. She couldn’t wait to get back to Caversham House or Haldenwood and dine on the cook’s delicate turtle soup and roasted leg of lamb with potatoes and gravy.

As she walked to the cabin and looked down into the carved wood bowl of tasteless stew, she decided she’d pretend the meal she was about to eat was anything but what it was and hope that it made the food go down easier. When she opened the door to the cabin, she knew a peaceful evening was not in the cards for her.

“I brought dinner for two, but I see you’ve gotten yours already.”

She glanced at him and nodded, then slid behind the table onto the bench. “I didn’t know what your plans were. You’d never mentioned them.”

His voice was patient when he replied. “I did, you just didn’t hear me.”

“I’m sorry,” she said with feigned interest in his words. “I’ve been eating on my own since my arrival on this ship. Why would I think tonight was any different?

“Every night will be different now,” he said, and something in his tone and manner reminded her of her brother when he was on the verge of anger.

“How so?” she squeaked, while she stirred the unappealing slop in her bowl, unable to meet his gaze.

He studied her intently, his gaze making her uncomfortable in her seat. Remembering she was no insect under a magnifying lens, she straightened and gave him her attention.

“Is it an act? Is that how you do it?”

She tilted her chin and stared at him. “Is what an act?” It only served to anger him more.

“This…this…pretending,” he ground out. “You heard me clearly earlier today when I said I would now be staying in my cabin, and now you act as though you did not.” His menacing voice dropped to a whisper as his fiery gaze scorched her. “As much as you want it to be so, you cannot wish away what happened the other night. We both knew what we were doing. And because of
what
we did, there might now be a child we are responsible for.”

Her spoon slipped from her hand, and she quickly retrieved it, her mind in a whirl.

“Surely you had to know?”

How could she tell him she did, but forgot? Because it was the truth. The adventure of it, the experience and sensations of the act were what she’d been focused on, not any potential outcome. And a child would be a wonderful outcome if she were wed, but she wasn’t, nor was she planning to marry him.

She’d just have to pray his seed didn’t take, because she was not going to offer herself up as a holiday sweet to this man again. There would be no more adventures of the sexual sort with him. Ever.

“I can see you didn’t even consider it.” He chuckled. “Funny thing is, I knew and chose to ignore the voice in my head warning me.” He pushed his bowl away. “So who is more at fault here, you or me?”

Sarah shook her head, and the knot on the back of her head chose just this moment to grow painful again. She raised a hand to cover it, saying, “I…I didn’t even consider it, and I should have.”

“Because we were both rash and irresponsible, the right thing to do is marry. And the best time to do it, is in New York. This will minimize the rumor and innuendo sure to be on everyone’s tongues as we sit here.”

“No. I’m sure my sisters have thought of that and are telling only those necessary what they want them to know. Believe me, it’s how things are done in my family.”

“There’s no covering up something like this, especially if you return with child.” He backed his chair away, obviously done even though his bowl was still half-f. “I’m tired of sleeping in a hammock on my own boat, and I see no need to continue to do so since we’re getting married.” He went to the door. “Do not lock me out or the lock will be removed. I will be back later to sleep.”

Sarah emptied the contents of the bowls out the porthole and gathered everything to return to the galley. When she got back to the cabin, she locked the door, sat under the open port hole and began to cry.