Loving Mr. Daniels (16 page)

It wasn’t an option.

I walked into the dark space. My fingers traced the edge of the landlocked ship and my lips involuntarily frowned. This beauty wasn’t supposed to be locked away, kept from the one place that made it feel free, alive. The water was its home. Yet I kept it locked up, trapped inside a wooden box.

“Sorry, buddy,” I muttered, pounding my hand on the side. “Maybe next summer.”

Maybe.

No promises.

Getting along fine with my here friends,

Don’t give a damn if the world decides to end.

~ Romeo’s Quest

“I don’t understand why we’re still going,” I argued to Hailey, who was pulling me toward Theo’s house party. He’d been caught cheating on her in the lunchroom, yet she still found the need to drag me to his place two weeks later.

Peeking through the windows, I saw a bunch of people from our high school, drinking, making out, and doing everything one would expect to see at a high school party.

Why didn’t anyone ever throw reading parties?

I would be all over that crap.

“I told you. He texted me last night apologizing. I think I just misunderstood.”  She’d misunderstood his tongue in her ex-best friend’s mouth? “Besides, Ryan is here, too.”

“I thought he hated Theo?” I asked.

“He does. But he likes Tony. And places like these are the only time he can really hang out with Tony.”

I held my purse close to my shoulder as we walked inside. It smelled like someone was burning sage, but I was pretty certain it wasn’t sage I smelled.

“
Ashlyn
!” Jake smiled, walking over to me. He was still putting the stress on my name since we met. “I didn’t know you came to parties!”His eyes danced across my chest but for a shorter period this time.

“I don’t.” I gave him a slight grin. Everything about being inside Theo’s party made me uncomfortable. The noise, the drinking, the surprisingly bad taste in music. Gabby would be ashamed.

Jake laughed and placed his hand on my lower back, guiding me farther into the house. “Well, I will be your tour guide.” He glanced over to Hailey, who was giving him a wary grin. His eyebrows arched. He smelled a little too much like burning sage. “Oh! Ryan’s sister, right?”

She nodded.

“
Hailey
,” I corrected him, giving her a name—and putting the stress on said name. She deserved more than only being tagged as Ryan’s sister.

He laughed and nudged her. “Right.
Hailey
. I’m glad you’re here. I just smoked a bowl with your brother. If you two are interested, I can get ahold of more. My treat.” He was asking us to get high with him, and for a second, I thought I saw Hailey considering it.

“No thanks, Jake. We aren’t really into that stuff.”

“We could try,” Hailey piped up, her eyes filled with excitement.

I gave her a harsh look then turned back to Jake. “No thanks, Jake. But hey, we’ll find you around later, all right?”

He took me in again, his eyes dancing across my apparent cleavage. He smiled, saying that he would check back in on us later.

Hailey frowned. “What did you do that for?! Jake’s cute. I think he’s into you.”

My eyes effortlessly rolled. “Doubtful. Listen, if we are going to be here, here a few rules.”

“Okay, Mother,” she mocked. “What are the rules?”

“Rule number one, no drugs.”

“Theo said marijuana is herbal. Just like tea.”

“Theo’s an idiot,” I said flatly. “Rule number two, maximum two drinks.” Her mouth hung open and she went to argue but I cut her off. “Rule number three, no sex.”Her lips pouted out. I pushed them back in. “No sex!”

“You’re such a buzzkill,” she muttered, walking off to find Theo.

I laughed and called after her. “You’re not even buzzed!”

The rooms of the house started to become more packed, filling in as the night went on. I hated the smells, I hated the groping—I hated
everything
about this place.

This was why I was the girl who lived in my books. The parties in the novels always seemed more entertaining.

After moving through the house, I made it to the back door and pushed it open to walk outside onto the back porch for some fresh air. My head was starting to pound from the smells of the weed and vomit mixing together.

There were steps leading to a large backyard. My hand rested against the banister and I lowered myself down to sit. The porch light shone over me dully, blinking in and out, almost ready to die out.

But it would be enough.

Reaching into my purse, I pulled out my current novel. I planned to sit out here until Hailey had had her fair share of heartbreak for one night. Opening the book, my fingers traveled across the pages, feeling their texture against my thumbs. I raised the book to my face and inhaled it, taking in the scent of the words on paper.

There was nothing as romantic as the feel of a book in your hands.

Except Daniel.

He was pretty romantic.

I blinked my eyes and shook my head back and forth.
No.
No thoughts of Daniel.

The only problem with not thinking about Daniel was that my mind went to Gabby next.

Which was even worse.

The words started to blur over on the pages. The paper within the book began to get wet. Surprise, surprise—I was crying again.

“I can’t believe I’m here,” I muttered to myself, to Gabby. My voice dropped a little. “Hailey reminds me of myself when I dated Billy. Which can’t be any good.”

I paused, waiting for the reply that never came.

“Mom still hasn’t called. I thought about calling her…but I didn’t. The other day, I got mad at you for dying. Sorry.” I laughed, feeling a little insane for talking to myself, but it always made me feel a tad bit better.

A girl stumbled out of the house, and I could’ve sworn she’d been bitten by a zombie based off her glazed-over appearance. Her name was Tiffany Snow; she was in my history class. I had to admit that she looked a lot prettier during school hours—the running-mascara look wasn’t doing too much for her. She didn’t notice me.

With a deep inhale of fresh air, Tiffany tried to steady herself, holding her arms out to her sides. She exhaled and giggled, pleased with her ability to calm herself.

Then she ran to the left side of the porch and vomited over the railing. She slid down to the porch, smiling to herself.

Classy.

“Shhh…” was whispered from my left. I turned to look toward the bushes that were currently moving—and talking. “Shut up!”

Zippp
!

It was the sound of jeans being zipped up. I blushed and turned back to my book. When I saw Ryan come stumbling out of the bushes, fixing his shirt and buckling his belt, I blushed even more.

“Chicago!” he said, his eyes glassed over and red. He smelled a lot like burning sage, too. “What are you doing here?”

“Hailey,” I said, pointing toward the door.

He grimaced and sat down next to me. “Theo’s an asshole.” He paused. “But he has the best weed.” I smiled at Ryan, and he laid his head on my shoulder, whispering to me, “There’s a boy in the bushes still.”

“I figured that much.”

“He’s not ready to come out yet.”

So much meaning in such few words.

Ryan glanced over to Tiffany, who was passed out on the porch. “Tiffany!” He pounded his fist on the wooden steps, getting her attention. “
Tiffany
! Wakey-wakey eggs and bacony!”

One of her eyes opened and she giggled. “Ryan,” she breathed, tossing her hands in the air in excitement, “I
soo
want to fuck you right now.”

She kept laughing, running her hands over her face. I was trying my best to see the pros of partying…but they were making it easy for me to want to keep reading.

Ryan snickered and turned back to me. “I
soo
don’t want to fuck her.” I swear there was a split second where his eyes looked so sad.

“There’s a lot to you, isn’t there?”

“I could say the same about you.” He paused. “Sometimes I feel like you’re hiding behind your books to avoid reality.”

I flinched at the truth to his words. He didn’t notice though.

“Can I tell you a secret?” he asked, pulling out his fake cigarette box and ‘lighting’ one up. “Because I feel like I can since you don’t know the people at school or anything. You’re an outsider. I need an outsider.”

“Of course.”

His stare was on the bushes, and a single tear fell down his cheek. “I’m not as happy as I pretend to be.”

“Why are you pretending?” I questioned.

He lowered his head, staring at his shoes. “Because pretending to be happy is almost like being happy. Until you remember that you’re only pretending. Then you’re sad.
Really
sad. Because wearing a mask every day of your life is the hardest thing to do. And after a while, you get a little scared because the mask becomes you.”

“Ryan…you’re not alone.” I pushed him in his shoulder. “And you never have to put the mask on around me.”

His lips turned up, and he whispered, “Ditto,” against my cheek before giving me a kiss.

Hailey came walking out the back door of the house and sat down on my other side, putting her head on my shoulder. “I hate him,” she whispered so softly. Ryan didn’t even hear her.

It was in that moment right there that I knew I was in the right place. I was lost, but so were they.

There were no maps to be found.

At least I wasn’t walking alone.

I’ll lie to keep you safe,

I’ll lie to keep you warm.

I’ll lie to keep you away from the ugliest fucking storms.

~ Romeo’s Quest

A few weeks had passed since Ashlyn and I had found out about our situation. When October arrived, I was shocked by how much I still wanted her.

One morning, we walked into the school building at the same time. It was only for a second or two that our eyes connected. It was only a mere moment that we stared at one another, but I saw her hiccup, her nerves resting on the surface. When she turned away, I wanted to follow her.