Authors: Kimberly Novosel

Loved - A Novel (28 page)

We left Sophie and Jerod’s and walked back to my apartment, enjoying the silence and in awe of the multitude of stars in the inky sky. He was mine and I was his, and the night felt like it marked the beginning of everything.

May, 2009.

We knew things would change when he started his new job the next week, helping to open a new restaurant. I knew he would be busy getting things ready and working long hours, but then I didn’t hear from him at all for several days.
He could have at least called,
I thought.

That weekend, I finally had a chance to see him. I tried to believe that he was making the best effort that he could. I knew that doing well at this job and finding a place to live that wasn’t his mother’s house should be his priorities, and I was supportive and patient.

But the more time that passed, the less that I saw him and the less he seemed to care. The month was very back and forth: I was okay then I was anxious. I understood then I was livid. He was sorry then he didn’t do any better. I hoped that this was temporary, however, by then, I knew in my gut that it wasn’t and I was right; he flat out stopped calling.

Somewhere between “Someone Like You” and forever, I’d lost him.

But this time, I didn’t lose myself.

I started going back to the pizza place where I hadn’t been since the night Chad chose me, fleetingly, over “Jay.” I ordered pizza with green peppers and ranch dressing every time. I called it ex-boyfriend pizza. Maybe I should have ordered a large pizza with everything and named one topping for every ex-boyfriend but little nods to Blake and Chad entertained me well enough.

I was more disappointed about the demise of my fledgling relationship with Blake than anything else I’d had lately, but I didn’t know him well enough to cry about it and I started hearing things about him that would have concerned me. He got fired for one. I also heard that he had a habit of going through a lot of women the way he went through me.

There was a guy from my group of friends at church who was a guitar tech for a band on tour and we went out a few times during the fall, but we ended up just being friends. I also went out with a guy who worked in sales for a major computer company and was in a band, but he had been seeing another girl and decided to pursue an exclusive relationship with her. After all, he had been seeing her first and had “invested a lot of time and emotion” into that relationship already as he explained to me more times than necessary.

Despite these quickly fizzling relationships, and despite the fact that I still found myself investing more than I should, I was moving on faster and keeping the focus on everything else that I had going on in my life. I didn’t claim to have loved any of them, but I did believe that I could have loved and married each of them if I had been given the chance. With the guitar tech, I thought, “Of course, I always knew I’d end up with a guy who tours.” With the salesman, I mentally decorated the townhome he owned, imagining furniture that would compliment his Tuscan Gold walls.

But don’t most girls do these things?

November, 2009.

I turned twenty-seven that fall, and to celebrate, I invited everyone that I knew who I felt I would be carrying into the future with me. Anna and her boyfriend, Sophie and Jerod, Kellie, Ben, Liv, friends from church, from styling and from the marketing office, my dance buddy, and even Paul, who had known me through everything. I made a reservation for twenty at a Mexican restaurant and put on a coral colored dress, curled my blonde hair, applied an extra coat of mascara and headed to the restaurant. By the time I got there, the table was already full and the waiters were adding chairs to accommodate more people.

I sat and ordered a margarita, accepted hugs and happy birthday wishes, and then looked from face to face as friends, new and old, all talked and laughed together. It wasn’t just the table that was full. It was my life that was full. I was happy with my friends and my career, my home and my hobbies, my relationship with God and my church community, and the way that I was taking good care of myself. I couldn’t help but remember my tragic birthday - could that really have been seven years ago? - when no one came at all, and thought about how far I’d come.

When Chase died, my easy belief in true love and soul mates was shaken. When Chad left me, the ability to feel secure and trusting was torn from me. All the guys who didn’t see the “me” that I believed I was, or wanted to be, caused me to doubt what I was capable of. It isn’t because of these devastations or let downs that I am now, finally, no worse for the wear when those kinds of thing happen. It’s because I pushed through them. It’s because I did not allow other broken people to break me. I held tightly to the faith that I would someday be a woman of character, strength, and grace, and that people would see that in me. I hoped that she would be loved.

And I am.

Most importantly by one person in particular.

Me.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:

Extra special thanks need to be doled out to so many amazing people. I don’t know how I came to be surrounded by the wonderful people I have, but I’ll take it!

Coach Evy: You brought so much spice to this story! Thank you for asking the tough questions and helping me to be brave enough to use the answers. I’m proud to call you a friend. To my family: Mom, Dad, Keith, Grandma and all my aunts, uncles and cousins: Thank you for your love and acceptance, and your humor. We all laugh at each other enough that I had no choice but to learn to laugh at myself. Lindsay: You share so much with me! Your time, your home, your children, your words and your heart - and all are so special to me. Krista: From that summer on the soccer fields to our visits now, you always support me and make an effort to be a part of my life, no matter where life takes us. Superglue! Jeremy Westby: You’ve believed in me and in this story since before a single word lay on a single page. Thank you for being a part of
my
story. The Perdue family: Thank you for “adopting” me and allowing me to be an honorary Perdue! I couldn’t ask for a better Nashville family. Carrie and Heather, I love you more than a novel full of words could say.

To everyone else who has cheered me on as I wrote and wrote and wrote, not knowing what this might become. Thank you for saying, “you can do it!” in your own ways. You know who you are!

To everyone who inspired this story, good and bad: Thank you for shaping my heart. I wouldn’t be me without you.