Love Untouched (Unexpected) (25 page)

My eyes traveled up to the stands. I caught a glimpse of Duncan and Peter chatting up with some women. My parents and my brothers were there so it could not be a family issue or emergency. I saw Brynn sitting with Ace, Zander, and Ava so, no; it couldn’t be about them, either.

Tom walked briskly and motioned for me to move to the side with him.

“What’s going on?” I asked curiously. Was there an event right after us? Was the medal ceremony going to be delayed? Was my suit torn open? I lowered my hand to my back and felt my suit. No, it felt intact. I’d have known if it was otherwise.

Tom fidgeted with his hands and looked at me with suspicion? “We have to talk to your coach, Kieran.”

“Huh?” I asked, confused.

The crowd’s cheers were slowly fading away. They must have sensed that something else was going on, something out of the norm.

Coach Smith was swiftly striding towards us already. There was no need to call him. “What’s going on?” he barked out as soon as he reached us.

The other swimmers were conglomerating on one side; they knew something was up.

Tom responded to Coach Smith. “Let’s talk about this in the room.”

Coach’s voice was brimming with growing frustration. “What is this about? This is ridiculous. Kieran just swam the race of his life and you’re stealing his thunder.”

Tom said, almost regretfully, “He’s going to be disqualified.”

What? I was going to be disqualified? For what? I knew my turns were legal, according to rules. I’ve been swimming for more than a decade. I didn’t change a stroke mid-length of the pool. Completed each stroke within the quarter of the distance. Swam on my back until I touched the wall during the backstroke, with the front of my body rotated chest-side up more than chest-side down, and I didn’t have any extra dolphin kicks. Ended the breaststroke with both hands touching the wall. I could recite the rules in my sleep, and I didn’t violate any of them.

“You gotta be shitting me!” Coach arms were gesturing wildly; his face was getting flushed with anger.

Tom pulled on his arm to calm him down, and then walked away, giving us no choice but to follow his lead. He led us to a small room and sat down on a plastic chair. Another member of the officials came in; I was not familiar with him. Maybe he was new. He was carrying a leaf of papers.

Coach and I remained standing. I leaned against the wall, drying my hair with a towel I had grabbed earlier.

Tom’s voice was authoritative, and he looked straight at Coach. “Kieran failed drug testing.”

What the hell? What is he talking about? I
failed
drug testing?

“What?” My voice was unbelieving, indignant, and restrained. “This is a joke, right?”

The other official, who had introduced himself as Mike, said, “These are your most recent results from the random testing. You were found positive for opiates.”

Opiates? Is this for real? Was he telling me that I was positive for a drug I have never consumed, never even been near in my life?

I shook my head. “You have the wrong guy. I have never been around opiates, and never will be. Much less be around it at the biggest event of my career.”

Mike replied, pointing to a paper with a bunch of numbers and names in it, “This is you Kieran.” He was trying to make me believe that I had ingested a heinous substance with the slip of paper. “And it says right here, positive. You can dispute the results, but there is no mistake in this.”

Coach let out a multitude of swear words, and angrily he screamed, “This is not happening! I don’t know what kind of drugs you guys are inhaling, but Kieran does not do drugs! If this is some ploy you’re trying to make, I swear I will hang your balls in a platter and serve them to the fucking whales!”

Tom intervened. “Stop. I don’t think you want to create additional mess than what you’re in right now. I suggest that you dispute the charge with the committee and go from there.” He added somberly, “But for now, Kieran’s results will be null and void. He is disqualified from the event and all the other events he participated in.”

Maybe it was shock, disbelief, anger, or complete numbness. Maybe it was just that I thought I was living someone else’s life right now. Maybe it was just plain... nothing. I barely heard the voices in the room, calling my name, when I stepped outside and walked to the locker room. The motions of changing in to my regular clothes were ones that I had completed so many times in my life that it was just robotic, no thought put into it. I took out all of my things from the locker, tossed them inside my bag, and left the building. I turned my phone on, scrolled through the text messages, and missed calls. I texted my mom quickly, “Talk to coach please. I can’t talk right now.” To my brothers, I messaged, “Stay with mom and dad after they talk to coach.” To Ace, I texted, “Will talk to you later. Gotta sort some stuff right now.” And to the person who meant the most to me, I texted, “I need you.”

I didn’t wait for their responses. I just put my phone on vibrate. I needed to get out of this place. Out of the perimeter of the Aquatic Center, where my life began and now my career had just ended with an accusation that I had no knowledge of but a freaking piece of paper had proven. I’ve done urine drug tests hundreds of times. They were mandatory, random, but mandatory. They were needed to ensure that the sport was clean, drug-free, and everyone was competing on a level playing field. I was competing on a level playing field. I had no freaking idea how the hell I would have opiates in my system.

I reached my hotel suite, sat on the couch for who knew how long, stared at the ceiling, and struggled to keep my mind free of the day’s events. My parents would be looking for me. Everyone would be knocking on my door, so I texted Ace again, “Please tell them I just need time to by myself. I’ll talk to you and everyone else soon.” She responded right away, “Ok.”

A few minutes or hours must have passed by; I was not sure. I heard a knock on my door. I felt her presence before I even saw her face. She was the only person, the only woman I needed right now. Her eyes met mine and her arms latched on to my body, crushing against me. Her body was shaking uncontrollably. Yes, she had heard the news already about my disqualification and probably the reason why, too.

We stood by the doorframe for a while, her face cushioned in my chest. Finally, I lifted her arms around my shoulders, wrapped her legs across my waist, and carried her to the couch.

She lifted her face, her eyes wet with tears, her lips pale, and she asked, “How are you?”

How did I answer that? I took one, two, deep breaths and exhaled twice as long.

“I’m better now that you’re here,” I replied truthfully. Her presence somehow soothed me, disentangled the frayed nerves coiled inside, and tamped the anger that was simmering underneath my skin, holding back the wrath from the injustice being served to me.

Brynn lifted her right leg to unwrap herself from my hold of her lower body. With her right leg freed, she found her footing with the other leg. She stood up; her balance was slightly off so my arm clasped her right leg to steady her. I thought she was going to lean more towards me, but she removed my hand and stepped away.

Her head was down, her arms folded across her chest, as she paced in small steps in front of the TV.

“Honey what’s wrong?” I inquired, wondering what was going on with her. Was she this upset because I was disqualified? Did she believe the rumors?

I placed my hands on my legs, and sat upright, waiting for her to tell me what was going on.

She was moving, her steps were small, but steady, and then she gazed at me. “I love you, Kieran.”

I remained in place with my eyes locked on hers, I replied, “I love you, too. Now, come back here.” I tapped my right hand on the space right beside me. “And, tell me what’s going on with you.”

Her head shook sideways. “No. I need to tell you this... with a mile of distance between us because I don’t know how you’re going to take it.”

Okay? What was she about? Didn’t she realize that the day had held enough drama for me to last a lifetime?

“Just spill it honey.” I encouraged. “I’m a bit tired from today, you know?” A small laugh followed my statement, but it came out sarcastic and somewhat condescending.

She inhaled, exhaled, inhaled, and exhaled again. Was she performing some breathing exercise right now? With her voice shaky, her eyes muddled, and her arms lowered to her sides, visibly shaking, she uttered one word, “Milo.”

It took me a moment to comprehend what she meant. A moment to realize the message that she was trying to convey, but that very moment quickly passed, and my anger grew instantly hotter than fire, pulsating through me. The force almost made it hard for me to speak. Almost.

“What the hell did Milo do, Brynn?”

Her body crumpled on the side table haphazardly situated in the middle of the room. With her eyes, almost blue-black in despair, she explained brokenly, “He’s talking to the officials now, Kieran. He’s confessing to them what he did. I talked to him and he’s telling them what he did...”

My body vibrated, hummed, and then exploded in fury. “What the hell did he do, Brynn?” I was now standing in front of her, forcing her look at me.

She hiccupped, and was sobbing, but she continued, “He found out that you eat breakfast with me so after the night he discovered about us, he put powdered poppy seeds in my pancake mix because he knows that it can affect your random urine test results.”

As an athlete, you knew the foods that you had to avoid, especially when drug testing was a constant part of your sport. Poppy seeds could cause false positive results for opiates like heroin. Sure, it would depend on the individual’s body to synthesize the chemical, and Milo probably didn’t know how it would affect me because sometimes it took days for a person’s urine test to show any positive results. Just my luck, it showed right away. False positive, but a positive result, nonetheless. And, none of my own creation.

“Dammit, Brynn!” I yelled, my chest shaking with fury, “This is my career. This is something I’ve worked for my whole life. And, your brother just freaking messed it all up with his stupidity and unreasonable jealousy of some girl that I fucked once!” It was harsh, deliberate, but it was the truth.

She didn’t answer. She just sat there. Tension filled the room, and we both knew that one word from either one of us would spark the insidious fire that now separated us.

“It’s not just about Dia...,” she started, her voice small, shame-ridden by her brother’s actions. “It’s because he loves me Kieran. I don’t think you know what it’s like to love someone like that, Kieran. It’s hard to understand his actions—”

“Shut up, Brynn.” Her face cringed and her shoulders shook at the brutality of my words.

I didn’t let her finish, I just couldn’t. My own anger ruling my head, short-circuiting the connection between my mind and my heart. This time I wanted her to feel it. Feel every freaking hurt and pain that her brother has caused me.

I breathed in and let everything out. “You don’t dare tell me what love is, Brynn. You have no right to call me out on it. I’ve known what it’s like to love someone since I was eleven.” My voice sliced through the air between us as my heart tried desperately to rebel the memory of what it had long forgotten. Now, it was being forced back into the present. “Do you know what love is?” I asked rhetorically, not waiting for her answer. I continued, “Love is wishing the best for the person that you love. Watching, waiting for her to finally look at you differently. It’s constantly hoping that today will be the day she sees you as someone whom they could love, the way you love her.” My breathing got harsher. Just as I thought I had said it all, I still found the voice to say, “Love is trying to find happiness when she has found her own. Even when that is not with you,
especially
, if it’s not with you ...” I stopped, letting my words trail from my lips as the pain in my chest pressurized, making it harder to breathe. “So no, Brynn, you have no right to judge me, or tell me that I don’t know what love is. But you’re right about one thing, I don’t understand his actions, because I would never,
EVER
do what he did to me! To me, no matter the consequence, you don’t hurt the ones you love as he has done. That isn’t love, Brynn. I can tell you that much.”

She stared at me for a long time, her mouth wide open, and before she could say another word, I pointed at the door. “I need you to leave right now. It’s hard for me to process everything when I’m staring at you, knowing that your brother has purposefully ruined my career.” She looked at me, her eyes begging, pleading, and trying to find a reason for me to tell her otherwise. I shut down. I just couldn’t deal with her right now. I thought she was my solace, but instead she had a direct link to the person who had just robbed me of one of the most significant achievements in my career—at the world’s stage, no less.

I saw the pain, the hurt in her eyes, but I was hurting, too. So, I said what my mind knew but my heart refused to acknowledge. “Please leave, Brynn.”

She slowly stood up, her right hand brushing away the tears on her face. I fought the urge to hug her close to me and tell her that everything was going to be okay. She righted herself, and fixed the shirt she was wearing that had crumpled from her bunching it in her hands to wipe the copious amount of tears she had shed within these past few minutes. I clamped my fists to stop them from reaching out to her and holding her in my arms. I could smell her vanilla scent and it took all of the resolve that I had in me not to ask her to stay. I loved Brynn. Right now, I just couldn’t be with her. Everything about her just reminded me of him, and it just hurt too damned much. From the soles of my feet to the top of my head, I felt pain. It’s pain that comes from loving someone and fighting to choose not to. It is that reminder of what I had lost before and after she came into my life.