Love, Tussles, and Takedowns (20 page)

The wave of impending horror and utter bleakness that had threatened to consume him again fell and dissipated slowly.

On set, the boy crumpled to the ground, just as it’d been scripted for him to do, and Hudson felt another gentle squeeze on his forearm—fiercely comforting if he could describe the gesture with words.

Had he been in a mindset to do so, he would’ve almost smiled then.

“I’m fine now,” he informed her quietly.

“I know you are,” she said just as quietly, her tone telling him she was telling the truth.

He looked down and saw her eyes were glued to the little boy on set, unwavering until the director called out, “Cut! Nicely done, everyone.”

Folks materialized out of the woodworks and began shuffling off-scene as the director gave Hudson and Lia a thumbs-up and headed to the cluster of actors and extras waiting for him at the next ‘village’ set-up about a hundred yards away.

The little boy turned to wave at Lia while his handler helped him remove the props that needed to be returned to the prop master. Not long later, the two were heading toward the refreshment table. Just another day on the job.

Only then did Lia loosen her grip on his arm.

“You okay, sweetheart?”

Her eyes swung up to meet his, a faint sheen of emotion glittering for a moment before she blinked it away. “I would never have had the strength to go through what you went through. Or what I’m assuming you went through. Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

He took a deep, ragged breath. “Why didn’t I tell you that I killed a kid at nearly point-blank range? That he was looking me straight in the eye, scared out of his mind, when I shot him?” Shame throbbed in his voice as he looked back down to the ground, unable to meet her empathetic gaze any longer.

“That I did what even that tweaked-out criminal from your past failed to do?”

Lia gasped. “Hudson—”

“
Don’t.
Don’t try to say that it’s different. Because it’s not. That man was strung out on drugs, and he was still somehow able to stop himself. He was able to move the gun away at the last second. Show you humanity. I wasn’t. I
didn’t.
No amount of reasoning will change that fact.” Disgust and scalding hot remorse ripped through him, sent a sucker punch to his gut that almost had him retching out bile again.

“I looked that terrified little kid in the eye and
executed
him.”

He felt her place a comforting hand on his. His left hand. The one that
could
feel. And all he could feel was acid-dipped contempt for himself. He jerked his hand back, not wanting to poison her goodness.

Staring down at his clenched fists, he saw the blood on them that everyone seemed determined to forgive him for. He’d given that same comfort to countless other soldiers in the past. Some took, some didn’t. But Hudson learned the hard way why some of them felt like their hands would never be clean again.

There was no forgiveness for this.

And by allowing himself to forget that fact these past few months, Lia—amazing, beautiful Lia—was now trying to comfort him, a man no better than the one who’d held her at gunpoint when she was not much older than that young boy.

For a little while there, he’d thought the universe was crazy for letting him find her. Now he knew this was the punishment he had always known would be coming. She was the one woman he could see himself spending the rest of his life with.

And he couldn’t keep her.

* * * * *

IT WAS NOW Day Four.

Lia looked at the calendar date, amazed it hadn’t burst into flames by the strength of her stare alone the past two days. After her words had failed to console him on the movie set that day, after a long night of near silence where her mere presence seemed to pain him, Hudson eventually told her he needed a few days—a few—to himself. So like an idiot, she’d let him go off to the woods to be with his thoughts. Those one-sided, punishing thoughts of his that he was torturing himself with for the impossible decision he’d needed to make.

One child bomber’s life in exchange for a village full of unsuspecting bystanders.

A horrific choice no one should ever have to make.

Followed by an unending suffering she couldn’t even fathom.

She had no clue how to help him, but she knew she’d devote her entire life to trying if she could. If he’d just let her.

But now it was day flippin’ four with no sign of him.

She picked up her phone and dialed the one person who she hoped could help where no one had been able to yet.

“Dr. Spencer’s office. How can I help you?”

“Hi Fran, its Lia. Is she in?”

“Lia-dear! It’s so good to hear from you! Your timing is excellent, actually—your mom is free for the next hour. Hold on for a second.”

A faint smile snuck across Lia’s lips when she heard the hold music playing.

All of Me
by John Legend & Lindsey Stirling

She thought back to how Hudson had spent days on end sharing all those private songs with her, and how he’d gotten her to do the same. She thought of the Wing Chun dummy he’d put in the park for her, and all the countless other ways he’d made her feel special and safe.

And so undeniably
his
.

Now it was her turn to make him feel the same.

“Lia, honey, is everything okay?”

“Better now,” she replied, switching to Bluetooth as she ran to grab a jacket and her helmet. “I know exactly what I’m going to do.”

Amusement danced over her mother’s voice. “That’s a new record. Pretty soon I’ll be able to start charging therapy fees without even saying a word.”

Lia grinned and thanked her mom for her miracle-working hold music.

Of course, Grace, being a Spencer—and a
female
Spencer at that—did have additional non-therapy-based advice for Lia.

Hudson didn’t stand a chance.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

HUDSON LOOKED UP, not surprised in the least to see Lia hiking up the mountain toward him.

“Tell Gabe I’m impressed. Even sat-phones are hard to lo-jack out here.” He took a swig of water from his canteen and waited for her to catch up before he led them back to his campsite, where he’d spent the last four days trying to find the strength to let Lia go.

He simply wasn’t that strong.

After she dropped her backpack and turned around to face him, he waited for the first strike. Over the last few months, he’d found that regardless of whether it was on the mat or pretty much any other flat surface in her life, Lia never held back if she thought she was protecting someone.

In this case, him.

She edged them toward the arid red dirt clearing just beyond his tent. They circled each other for a bit as he tried to get her to see reason. “Lia, this isn’t a good idea.”

Per usual, she struck without warning. She advanced and shot out a flurry of open palm strikes. After he blocked each one without breaking a sweat, she huffed, “Who’re you kidding? You need a down and dirty fight now more than anything.”

“I’m not fighting you.”

“Why not? You spar with me all the time.”

“This wouldn’t be sparring. Not the way I’m feeling.”

“Exactly. It would be a fight. So fight me.” She swept low and did a particularly vicious kick combo that had him growling.

“Look at you, Hudson. You want it so bad.”

“Maybe I want
you
badly,” he rumbled, blocking her next advance. “Have you considered that? That it’s taking every ounce of restraint I have right now
not
to take you right here on the ground?”

A sizzling spark of molten hot arousal burned in her expression. “How about we see who wins this fight to see who gets to do the taking.”

She struck again.

And this time he fought back.

It really was all about the stakes.

She launched into a high kick, but he caught her leg and pulled her flush against him. “Lia, enough. I’m too on-edge. You don’t want to push me.”

Putting all her weight onto her captive leg, the insane woman dropped her upper body straight down and swung her other foot up to clock him in the jaw.

Her kicks were altogether too well-acquainted with his head.

…A fact that he was soon appreciative of when she toppled them both down to the ground and figure-four locked his head.

Between her legs.

NOW HOW THE hell was she going to get herself out of this position?

Better question was why they’d never tried it before outside of grappling.

Don’t go there.

Trying in vain to keep her head in the fight, Lia stubbornly clung to the leg-lock, knowing damn well that Hudson could’ve gotten out of it by now.

The man could be such an ass sometimes.

So they stayed there in a stalemate.

Until Hudson eventually broke the silence with a quiet question. “Lia, how can you want to be with a man like me?”

Now?
He wanted to have a heart-to-freaking-heart
now
?

She unlocked her leg hold and sat up. Grabbed his jaw with both hands to drive her point home. “I love you, Hudson. Why is that so unbelievably hard for you to accept?”

“But how can you? After what I’ve done? After knowing that I can’t ever be a father?”

Her voice gentled. “Why do you keep insisting that you can’t be a father?”

His eyes hardened to steel. “A man who kills a child should never get to have one of his own.”

“You’re sentencing yourself unjustly for your actions, with no chance of parole.”

“There’s no redemption for what I’ve done. Regardless of the reasoning, I failed in humanity. Period. There’s no going back from that.”

She shrugged. “Of course not. That’s why you go forward. That old saying about forgiving and forgetting? Completely flawed in my book. Forgiveness should come
with
remembrance
,
not be the door through which we escape and lock behind us, never to be thought of again.”

“Hudson, I’m not saying you should excuse your actions, but I’m saying that you need to find the peace to forgive yourself for choosing one of two impossible choices. Be strong enough to bear the weight of your decision—both the good and the bad that came of it.” Sliding her lips against his softly, she added, “And let those of us who love you spot you, brace you just in case that weight gets to be a little too hard to bear.”

When he remained mulishly silent, she shot forward, ready to spar with the stubborn ass all over again. With a modified ankle pick, she flipped him back into a guard position. “Whether you feel you’re worthy of having kids or not, Hudson, I’m not letting you walk away from us. Live in a different state if that’s where your job takes you. But I want you in my life. And I’m digging roots in yours.”

Bucking up sharply, Hudson rolled her up and over, swiftly catching both of her wrists in one hand and pinning them above her. “I wasn’t just camping this whole time,” he admitted gruffly.

“You weren’t?”

“No. I had a bunch of interviews and auditions. To get gigs here in Arizona, mostly Yuma. I even took over the rental agreement on my mobile home.”

The hammering of her heart made her rib cage suddenly feel too small for the hope exploding in it. “You’re moving here for good?”

That
, she had not been expecting.

HUDSON RELEASED HER and hopped to his feet.

Pulling her up to eye level, he gazed at her and tried to put into words just how crazy she made him, how deeply she already owned him. “Even though I’ve been telling myself that I don’t deserve you, the thought of losing you makes me want to fight for you anyway.”

She backed up a step and smiled. “Prove it. We still have to determine who gets to do the taking after this. So prove—”

He struck before she finished her sentence.

And that earned him a grudging smile. And a vicious strike combo back, along with a bastardized Muay Thai move that nailed him in his obliques.

When her next kick combination proved to be too ambitious, Hudson pounced and had her arms barred up quickly. Over the weeks, he’d learned that joint locks and grappling moves were sometimes the only way to counter her rabbit punches. She attacked his legs viciously to try and get him to free her arms. He blocked kick after kick and countered with enough rapidfire succession that Lia had to scramble around the clearing to avoid falling on her ass.

When he countered, she pummeled and slipped into a grappling position, dropping down to escape his hold. He spun with a chambered punch, letting go of her arms, but still holding onto one of her wrists.

The second she saw an opening, she turned and struck him in the shoulder with pinpoint precision, hitting several pressure points.

Hudson instantly let go and jumped back, shaking out his arm to relieve the tingling in his forearm and wrist.

He eyed her sardonic amusement. “Pressure point fighting? You really want to go there?”

Her grin wide, she reset her stance.
Bring it on
, her taunting look declared.

Dammit, he was so freaking in love with her.

* * * * *

THE NEXT MORNING, Hudson was shocked to find that Lia was awake before him.

And it was still pitch-black out.

Funny, he didn’t even hear the dozen alarms that had to have blared to get that feat to happen.

At his astonished expression, Lia gave him a mildly insulted look, followed by a brilliant smile. “Get up sleepy-head. You didn’t think I lo-jacked your phone and tracked you all the way out here just to declare my love for you and take advantage of your body, now did you?”

Well, yeah.

But judging by the decidedly non-lusty excitement brewing in her eyes, he could tell they had very different ideas of how this morning was going to play out.

“You sure you don’t want me to take a little off the top with my dog clippers?” she teased, ruffling his hair. “For where we’re going today, I guarantee you’ll be the shaggiest one of the bunch otherwise.”