Love Scars - 3: Stop

“You’re wrong,” I said. “We do need the money that bad.”

I’d followed Lisa into her bathroom in the hall. With Frank and J.D. both in the house, it was my best chance to get her alone for a few minutes to explain why I was taking Dr. Barton’s internship. After last night, I had to tell her about Steve’s offer. It was the only way to make her understand.

“It’s too dangerous, Nora,” she said.

“Yesterday you were all for it,” I said. “You practically shoved the dig packet on me when we found out the internship was paid.

“That was before either of us knew where it was,” Lisa said. She squeezed toothpaste on her toothbrush. “You can’t stir all that up again. And three weeks? After last night, do you honestly think you’d last up there three hours?”

“Last night was an anomaly,” I said. “I wasn’t prepared.”
 

“Nor, I'm scared for you. I can’t stand to see you open these old scars.” She stuck the toothbrush in her mouth. “Snau wuh it. Nau eve foe sih thou dau.”

I caught her eye in the mirror and dropped my voice behind her, “How about $150,000?”

“Wuh?” She swung around, her eyes huge.

I grabbed her arm and put my finger to my lips, warning her to be quiet. I rationalized that when Steve said to keep it secret he didn’t mean I couldn’t tell my roommate. He said it was a corporate thing. He probably meant not to tell anyone who worked for a big company. Someone
like
Brad—or J.D., even if he was just a low-level new-hire at BlueMagick.

“The guy’s company will pay off my student loans.”

I left out the part about the bonus. I didn’t really believe that myself.

Lisa rinsed her mouth out and spit like she didn’t believe any of it. “He must want you to do something illegal.”

“That’s what I thought, but he swears no. He’s going to explain the whole thing to me this Wednesday before I give my final answer.”

I still didn’t know where we were meeting. Steve was supposed to text me and let me know, but I hadn’t heard from him yet.

“But
Foresthill
, Nor.” Lisa looked at me like she was pleading. “I feel terrible about last night. I never should have pushed you into having a party. You’ve been so strong the last couple of years. I guess I thought you had a handle on…things.”

“I want to do this. I
have
to get out from under these loans. Did you know Stacey got 2310 on her SAT?”

“Shit. No,” Lisa said. “I guess that private high school paid off.”

“She didn’t tell me either. I was putting laundry away in her room a few months ago, and her score was lying on her dresser. She could go to college anywhere, but she’s settling for Sierra for her first two years to save money. It makes me sick.”

“What’s wrong with community college?” Lisa said. “You and I went to Sierra our first two years. It was fine.”

“We didn’t want to be doctors. We didn’t have 2300 on our SATs.”

I didn’t mention that I had 2270. My parents were always big on school. My brother Danny had carried on the tradition with his daughter Stacey.

“Stacey didn’t even apply anywhere else,” I said.

“She probably knew you’d take on more debt to help her pay for it.” Lisa said. “I don’t understand you. You paid your way. She should too.”

“No,” I said. Lisa was right. Why shouldn’t Stacey load up with student debt like everyone else in our generation? If she did become a doctor, she could pay them back. But dammit to hell! I hated the idea. Were we put on this earth to be wage slaves for the banks?

Lisa put away her toothbrush, and I saw her frown in the mirror.

“What?” I said. It was the face she wore when she had an opinion she knew I wasn’t going to like. “Say it.”

She turned around and faced me. “You could sell this house.”

“No.”

“I know it has sentimental value,” she said. “I understand that,
Nor
, better than anybody.”

“No.” I turned to go, but she grabbed my arm.

“Even with the real estate crash, you could still get seven or eight hundred thousand for it. You could pay off your loans and buy a smaller place, free and clear.” She spoke gently, and it was all common sense advice. But each word drove a dagger into my heart.

I barely squeaked out a “no” as I opened the door and headed down the hall back to my bedroom.

How could I sell Grandma’s house? My mom grew up here. There was Mom’s wisteria by the kitchen window and Indian Rock. Danny named that rock. As long as we had this house, Stacey and I still had some part of our family. I could never sell it. I’d rather face Foresthill.

I hit my bedroom door handle with a clenched fist. The muscles in my shoulders were tight as hell, and I noticed the spasms in the back of my neck like hot crawling worms. I forced my hands open and pressed my palms flat against the door to stretch them.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
 

J.D. wasn’t in the bedroom and his clothes were gone. My heart dropped. I wanted to see him again alone. Touch him. Kiss him. I’d suggest we take our coffee out to the flower garden.

I changed from my pajamas to a pair of shorts and a tank top and ran the brush through my hair. After a few more relaxing breaths I went out to the kitchen, but Frank was the only one there.

“Hey, Nora. J.D. said to tell you goodbye. You just missed him.” Frank held up a plate of cinnamon rolls. “Want one?”

“In a minute.”

I ran to the front of the house to the big picture window in the living room in time to see J.D. in the driveway, riding away on that funky bike of his. I wanted to race out the front door and tear across the front lawn after him, but I stayed at the window and watched him go.

Stop. I can’t.
His words from last night rang in my ears.

I shouldn’t be surprised, not after my big freakout. But I was confused. Last night he was wonderful. He brought me out of my flashback.
I’m here,
he’d said. His calm deep voice had reached into the chaos in my mind and pulled me back to sanity like a lifeline.

It was a blur to me now, but I would swear he kissed me first. I could still taste
him,
still feel his mouth on mine, his longing. I could feel his arms around me, holding me so close to his hard muscular chest.

And later, he called me beautiful.
You’re an American Beauty.
Was I remembering that wrong?

I wasn’t remembering us tearing off our clothes wrong, or the desperate need in me that he answered so well. Or his perfect body, lean, hard, and muscular. Or his confident handling of me, strong but gentle. I’d held him and stroked him, naked beneath me. I swelled between my legs thinking about it now. He wanted me. I know he did—and then he didn’t. He pulled away, and to protect myself I did too.

Then in bed this morning it felt so friendly and comfortable and safe, joking about his shoes and guessing his name. I thought he liked me. But he was just being nice until he could get away.

He turned his bike onto the road, and the roses climbing the fence at the front of the yard blocked him from my sight. He was gone.

I turned away from the window. I would never see him again. For the few hours we’d spent together, it had felt good to be alive in the world. I hadn’t felt like in a long, long time.

In a way, I was glad we didn’t have sex. I didn’t want him mixed in with my hazy memory of the one-night stands of my rage binge, as I called it. My year of living dangerously.

In the kitchen, Frank and Lisa were locked in a passionate embrace. Frank saw me come in and broke it off. “A guy can kiss his fiancée before he goes to work in the morning,” he said, grinning.

He was dressed for work, with his white vet coat on. He always seemed more than two years older than us, and the coat made him look like a frigging adult.

Lisa stood up on her toes and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “You’d better kiss yours anytime she wants it.” She poured out two cups of coffee, and as she put one in front of me on the counter her engagement ring sparkled.

I grabbed her hand and held it up in the morning sunlight. “Very nice.” I hugged her. I could tell my face was red. I hadn’t said anything about it in the bathroom. “Things were so crazy last night. I didn’t get a chance to tell you
guys
congratulations.”

“Thanks,
Nor
,” Lisa said.

Frank rinsed out his coffee cup and put it in the dishwasher with a shudder. “That’s it. I’m getting you your own espresso machine. I should have done it ages ago.” He put an arm around Lisa’s neck and pulled her close for a kiss. “The Saturday shift calls, baby doll. I’ve got to go.”

I looked at Lisa and mouthed
baby doll? Eww.
She shrugged and rolled her eyes. I guess she really loved him. He was different this morning. Possessive. I wasn’t sure I liked it, but I wasn’t the one marrying him.