Love Renewed (Entwined Hearts #3) (6 page)

“I’m getting it.” I smile and turn around, going to pay.

Walking into my martial arts club tonight I feel like I have a lot of frustration to release. I started at this club about two years ago. It’s self-defence, but it’s also a confidence builder and I love the instructor as he has always made me feel welcome like I belong. We start with our usual warm up, then practice some defensive moves, after which we all split and start working on our individual goals. I’ve been learning boxing, so I line up with the punching bag and go a few rounds. Once the sweat is stinging my eyes, I stop and close them. Centring myself and bringing my heart rate back down.

“You were always it for me. There was…is, never going to be anyone else.”

My eyelids spring open. I have no idea where that thought came from. The conversations with Dane, while I was visiting England keep popping into my head lately, usually at inappropriate times. Like when I’m with Davy, and even though I’ve probably only spent a total of two hours with Dane, he’s made me question everything. We didn’t have many chats, but he always made me feel like they held weight. He didn’t explain his feelings in depth. He knew I had a boyfriend, and respected that. Sometimes I wish he hadn’t. Dane told me enough though to convince me, without a shadow of a doubt, that what we had, what we were, must have been something special. But I can’t remember anything, and I’m so scared of what he could tell me. He knew me…before I knew myself.

What if I was different back then? What if I was horrible?

Or worse.

What if I was better.

I’m flying out to New York tomorrow to sort out some business, I also need to attend to personal shit. I’m not sure if Nova is ready for me, but at this point I have nothing to lose. Sitting in my car I stare at my hands resting in my lap. The things these hands have done. The things I’ve done, allowing the darkness to swallow me. My family have been my reprieve, but only Nova can save me. I need her to walk beside me. To live life with me. Before I’m consumed and then there will be no turning back. Sighing I realise I’ve been sitting outside Saul’s for the last ten minutes. Hopefully, nobody has noticed or I’ll face twenty questions. I need to explain that I’m going over to the US early, but that won’t mean I’ll miss their wedding.

“You all right, bro?” Saul asks answering the door.

Shaking my head I reply, “Yes Saul, I’m fine, just like I was when you asked an hour ago on the phone.”

He shrugs, unembarrassed that he’s fussing over me.

Fuck. I love that he’s my brother.

“So what was the impromptu visit all about?” Soph asks while enveloping me in a hug. I take in her vanilla scent and it gives me a moment of temporary peace. Then she lets go and the darkness sits, surrounding me again.

“Just wanted a little catch-up,” I reply easing down onto their sofa. Crossing my leg, resting the ankle of one leg on the knee of the other. I slide my arm along the sofa and look across at my brother and soon to be sister in law, sitting on the couch opposite. I want that, their bliss. I want that to be Nova and me.

“A catch up about what? Have you spoken to Libby?” Soph asks excitement glittering in her eyes.

The mention of Libby causes a stab of emotion. I still think of her as Elizabeth, the fact that she has chosen to leave Elizabeth behind is a stark reminder that she’s not the same person. My Elizabeth may be gone forever. I have to face that fact. This is why I need to go out there. If Elizabeth is actually gone forever, then she’s taken Dane with her—at least the young kid I once was. I’ve never been someone who gives up without a fight. But I won’t just fight for her, I’ll battle, wage war and pull the world apart at the seams if I have to. And in the end I’ll win. Or I’ll lose. But I will never be able to look in a mirror again if I don’t try, with every fucking thing in my arsenal.

I shouldn’t be doing this, it’s against the rules. I’m fed up with fucking rules. I want to
live
for a change. Davy and I just revolve around each other. I’m sick of it. Sick of having a part-time relationship. Sick of having part-time mediocre sex. So after leaving my self-defence class tonight, still sweaty and pumped I decided to go and crash at Davy’s. Hopefully, get some hot sex and expel my excess energy. I’ve had it in an abundance lately, and no matter what I do I can’t seem to shake it. However, now I’m outside his building, I feel awkward like I shouldn’t be here. It’s stupid, I’ve been his girlfriend for six months. Spent nights in his bed, but I still feel like I hardly know him. The worst thing about that is the lack of annoyance I have with it. I don’t feel the need to push and find out more about him. I don’t ask him questions or ask for more time with him. Hell, the truth of tonight is just that I want sex, once a week isn’t cutting it anymore. If there’s one thing that makes me envious of Mel, it’s her almost constant sex life. I want to feel constantly sated, I need someone to fuck me into next week. More than all of that—I just want to feel wanted. Sexy. Like my boyfriend can’t keep his hands off me. Davy doesn’t do that. He never has.

Standing in the elevator, watching the numbers light up, I wonder why we’re still together. He doesn’t make me feel alive, fuck, he barely makes me feel anything.

Remember
—Stable, dependable, consistent.
That’s what I need.

After reminding myself why I’m with Davy I walk to his door, unpicking the sweaty strands of hair that have stuck to my face on my dash here. I knock and wait. After a pause and some commotion, Davy answers the door.

“Libby, what are you doing here?” he asks frowning.

Placing my hand on his chest I gaze up at him through my eyelashes, trying to look sexy.

“Ugh, Lib, get off me you’re all sweaty,” he says picking my hand off him with his finger and thumb like he may catch a disease from touching me.

“Davy, I’ve come over here for some hot, sweaty sex, are you seriously turning me down?” I ask exasperated.

He just looks at me with confusion, or maybe it’s disgust. Whatever it is, my desire has disappeared and I’m left wondering again whether we should be together. Glancing around I realise I’m still in the hallway.

“Aren’t you even going to invite me in?” I splutter, amazed at his inhospitality.

“Well, I have a lot of work to get through tonight and—” he starts telling me but I cut him off.

“Don’t worry about it.” As I turn to leave, I change my mind spinning back around and I can see the surprise wash over his face. “Actually, before I leave I just want to let you know that I think we should have a break.”

“A break?”

“Yes. You know those things people in relationships sometimes have when said relationship is a bit shit,” I reply and his eyes widen.

“We don’t need to have a break. We’re fine, we just need to maybe redefine our relationship slightly,” he tells me.

“Ugh!” I moan and he tuts, looking around and checking the neighbours haven’t heard me. “For fuck’s sake, Davy. This is ridiculous. You know, I never realised what a pussy you were until now.” My mouth gets away from me and I feel bad for a second, and am about to apologise when he opens his mouth and reinforces my thoughts.

“You're so brazen Libby. That isn’t you. When I first met you, I thought you were quiet and mousey. I thought you were a lady, but this behaviour shows me you’re not. What’s more, is that since you’ve come back from England it’s like you’ve allowed this other Libby out of her box. Now you want a break? Well, let’s make it a breakup. I think we both see this isn’t going anywhere now. But my advice if you ever want a decent man in the future, would be to lock back up this person who’s emerged lately because she’s a lesser side of you.” His face is red and he looks down his nose at me.

Smiling at him confusion crosses his features. “A break up sounds great. Hopefully, I can find a real man now. The last thing I’ll ever do is take advice from you. If I did, then I’d end up with someone else like you. That’s not me. You’re perfect for someone Davy. That someone isn’t me.” I wink and leave. Feeling so much happier. I feel free like I’ve woken up from a very long slumber. I’m excited at what the future holds. I’ve spent so much time worrying about the past I don’t have, that I’ve never really looked forward before.

As I walk out of Davy’s building, I grab the earphones from my iPod which are still attached to my arm from the class earlier and slide them back up my sleeve to my shoulder tucking them into my ears. Just as I flick the music to life and
Trouble
by Taylor Swift starts, the heavens open and the rain pours down. I smile as everyone rushes for shelter. Opening my arms wide and staring at the sky I spin and spin until I’m dizzy and soaked. Only then do I start my walk home. As I do, it continues to rain. Washing away the film that has been suffocating me for far too long.

“Listen. Dane spoke to us last night and he’s going to New York, he’s going to try and get Libby back, but I think we could step in. You know, give her a small nudge,” I tell Pea and Con while Saul shakes his head. “What?” I snap at him.

“Nothing babe.”

“Then don’t shake your head at me, Saul James!”

He smiles and my insides melt. I still can’t quite believe that he’s finally mine.

“Look, whatever we do or don’t do,” I say staring at Saul inviting him to say something. His lips twitch, but he remains silent. “I think that we need to not talk to Dane about it when he gets here. He’s all talked out and I just want him to have fun.” Pea nods at me.