Love Made Me Do It (9 page)

I slept like a baby that night.  I dreamt about being with him and causing discord in his relationship. I woke up the next morning feeling like a million bucks. This was it, my big break.  My relationship with the roommate was on a fast track downhill.  I couldn’t wait for it to be over and done with.  But I knew that I would have to be the one to pull the trigger.  I did just that.

I was going to Chabot Jr College taking a night class and the roommate picked me up every night.  This night was no different.  Accept he had no idea about the bomb I was about to drop. I got in the car and I looked at him….. “I don’t want to do this anymore,” he looked at me and starting crying.  “I knew you would do this, I knew you would break my heart.” There was nothing I could say.  “I’m sorry, can you just take me home.”

That night my heart sank and I felt as if I reached an all-time low in my life.  I hurt someone who probably really loved me. I lay in the bed looking at all his junk stored in my bedroom.  I tried everything to get a good night’s sleep.  Right when I started to drift off, “Johnson, Johnson,” then it was louder “TAMEKIA, TAMEKIA….I KNOW YOU HEAR ME…GET UP!”… It was the roommate he was in my backyard.

I opened my window “Dude, what do you want… it’s 3am?” “Get the fuck out of here?” “Give me my gun!” Shaking my head in disbelief I just replied “No!” I closed my blinds and my window and lay back down. When he had moved most of his stuff to my house to store, one of those items was a gun. There was no way in hell that I was giving him this gun.

The morning came and I looked out into my backyard and of course he wasn’t there.  But I had a million missed calls from this maniac. I checked my voicemail and he left a message saying that he left my lovers house and would not be going back there.   He had stolen his company cell phone and if I needed to reach him that was the only way. Fuck!  Seriously this is not the way I wanted to start my day!  I had created a monster.

Now love was making him do it
.  I called him, and told him to come and get his gun and all the other shit he left behind. He pulled up to my house in his work truck.  He didn’t take any of his items accept the gun. I still had the keys to the mustang.  I would be keeping those until I felt like giving them back. 

I was on pins and needles wondering if I would see him on the news.  It was like I had been holding my breath and I desperately needed to exhale.  I needed to live.  I needed to feel.  I was praying, and wishing that ending it with the roommate, would allow me to rectify my life. Of course an escape is never easy.  Breakups never just end in one day. He showed up at my house begging to talk to me for a few minutes, so I let him in. I sat on my bed expecting him to sit next to me so we could talk.  Instead he got down on one knee and asked me if I would marry him.

What in the fuck is going on? I was continuously caught in a storm drain and garbage kept falling on me.  I said no.  I had to say no. I didn’t love him. I didn’t love him like he deserved.  I think at that point I didn’t even love myself. I wanted to be with my neighbor….my lover… I already had proved over and over again that I loved him.  More than I loved anything else.  I loved thy neighbor, just like I loved thyself.  The bible says that is what you are supposed to do.  See my mind set was always like that.  Looking for justification for the bullshit I was doing.

Looking back now… I think that saying no to a person that had been so good to me, may have been one of my biggest regrets in life. But I would have dogged him in a marriage, much worse than I did in our relationship. This I knew for a fact.  He left, only returning to get his car keys. 

This was wrong.  He was hurt and he was picking up his Mustang on an empty tank.  Plus a scratched bumper.  It was a cold world I was living in.  So if it was cold for me, I was going to make sure it was icy for everyone else.  There is no fury like a woman scorned. 

CHAPTER 13

JUGGLING ACTS

The days rolled by and my life continued. I had met yet another man. I really hoped that he would take me away from my thoughts and worries. He was my best friend’s cousin. He was fun, handsome, hood, and charming. It was nothing serious though…we drank, we smoked, and we chilled. We had amazing sex and he made me laugh.  I thought those were perfect qualities for me.

I loved seeing my new friend lying next to me after a Friday night of drinking. But I would soon be put in a position to choose between fun and love. I was hung over and I needed to get up to let my handsome guest out. We kissed and I told him I would page him later.

5 minutes later I heard a knock at my front door. I ran to get it thinking it was my handsome overnight guest and he forgot something. The knocking persisted so I yelled out; “Who is it?”  The reply I got almost knocked me off my feet.

“It’s your neighbor, and I wanted to know if you had a cup of sugar I could borrow?” I peered out the blinds and it was him…it was my lover! I opened the door.  He grabbed me and hugged me, pulled back, looked at me and kissed me.  This is what I wanted my life to be about.  Him.

When we finally pulled back from kissing… I said “I’m sorry neighbor, we ran out of sugar.

My hearts delight and my reason for breathing had found his way across the street to kiss me.  Everything I desired had been granted in that moment

We sat on the couch across from one another and it all came back to me.  All the love. Even all the disappointment but those thoughts disappeared when he pulled out the drugs.  Then I was filled with anxiety.  As I watched the man I love get ready to intoxicate me, with something I soon wouldn’t be able to live without.  Cocaine.

Sitting in my living room looking at my lover was an amazing feeling. I could barely keep it together, my legs were shaking and my voice was quivering when I spoke. We sat there for all of 2 minutes and then he asked to go to the bathroom so that he could roll one up.

My anxiety level was at its peak while I waited for him to roll this.  He had this devilish smirk on his face when he came out the bathroom…he said “Where we blowin this at?” I had no idea.  I knew that I shouldn’t smoke anything in the house. But oh well.  I was about to put one in the air with the love of my life. I grabbed his hand, and I lead him up the stairs.

I grabbed a towel and stuffed in the gap under my bedroom door. He fired up the blunt.  “Remember when you hit this, you hold in the smoke until you can’t anymore….then blow it out slowly.” I did just as I was told.  I scooted closer to him. 

We smoked and smoked, everything began to get a little hazy.  We started getting horny. Leaning in simultaneously.  We combined our lips.  Our tongues danced. He lay down and I straddled him.  He griped my hips like he owned them. This was what it was about….the passion, the fire, being joined together on a level that no one could ever understand. But then real life kicked back in.

My high was coming down and I quickly came back to reality.  Sure I loved him.  But now what?  Instead of questioning him, I told him I had shit to do and needed to get dressed. I got up and walked him to the door. I kissed him goodbye and he said “I love you Johnson.” “I know and I love you too.” After I closed the door I watched him from the window as he walked back across the street.  There went my baby. I was strutting around the house like I had just won the Lotto.  You couldn’t tell me shit.

Life went on as I was used to it. Working and partying.  But then work took an unexpected twist. Calls on top of calls; on top of more calls, at work.  I got a call from the skinny bitch. This made me want to choke the life out of her. “Good afternoon this is Tamekia,” there was silence “You fuckin my man?” I said “Not yet, and last I checked he was mine and will continue to be.  “It’s not where he’s at its where he wants to be.” She hung up.  I wasn’t willing to call her back from my job. I wasn’t risking my bread and butter for her or him.

On my drive home I was thinking of clever and insulting things to say to her. I couldn’t wait to call that whore back and tell her a few things.  I picked up my phone dialed the number and low and behold I was blocked...again. I sat there in disbelief. I ran over to the window and looked over across the street. I could see two silhouettes, his & hers. I wish I was a fly on that wall.

I could only hope that he was telling that bitch to get out.  I was definitely a dreamer. I was drawn to my lover like a moth to a flame…. literally. The mere thought of him made my knees weak, and my temperature rise.  Between the love, the imbalance, the lust and the drugs we were sure to be the death of each other.

Anything that needed to be done I was going to do it.  ESPECIALLY, if it brought us closer together. I was willing to lie, cheat, steal, and put my life on the line for him. Till death or drugs do us part.  Waiting for the perfect moment is always hard.  When you’re in love there is no such moment.

When I think about all the reasons I kept running the race towards my lover.  The only thing I can think of is.  I didn’t want anyone else to have the happiness that I felt he could give me.

No matter how damaged or how imperfect he was. I was unconditionally in love with every ounce of him. Day after day I watched him. I know that he watched me too.  From the mailbox to my car.  From his car to his front door.  We were a pair of eyes watching and waiting for moments that we could be with each other. I lived for all those moments.

I loved feeling him inside me.  I loved waiting and wondering when and if he would call. I loved HIM and I couldn’t wait for the day that we would be ONE. No sneaking and no hiding. I had the feeling that him and the skinny bitch would be coming to an end. 

Being the patient woman that I was. I had all the time in the world.  I enjoyed watching the house they built become unraveled.  We spoke a lot while we were at work.  We were transitioning back into each other’s life and I loved the experience.

The skinny bitch wore herself out calling me at work. I finally broke down and told the bitch to call me at home.  Eventually the phone calls died down.  The only thing now was me and him.

She moved out.  Every second of every day I could only think about him.  On Friday nights it was me and him. I would watch him pull out everything he needed to roll the magic blunts. He needed scissors to cut the blunt open, a cutting board to section off and cut the weed, a razor blade to break down the coke and a lighter to dry the masterpiece.

We smoked that Friday night, blunt after blunt after blunt.  When the last one was rolled and smoked.  He looked in his wallet and I looked in mine.  Between us there was $100 towards our party. We connected, we talked. Our souls connected like it was the very first time.  We fell in love all over again.

Those drugs were powerful, the smoke alone grabbed ahold of your senses.  Making sure you didn’t have the capacity to have a rational, logical thought. Drugs and Love were, the only thing on the menu.

My afternoon was lazy that Saturday and my body was worn out. There were no thoughts in my head.  But… how good I felt and how could I bottle that emotion.  My phone rang interrupting my thoughts and it was him. “Hello?” …”Johnson is that you?”…..”Yes baby it’s me…” “I love you...”and “I love you too....” This shit don’t stop.  It couldn’t stop I would beg and pray for years that it wouldn’t stop.  Had I known then what I know now. I should have quit then.

But the sex was good, the memories were priceless and those drugs were everything.  I needed all that shit to function at a level that kept me smiling.  We were young, reckless, lust filled; with not one care in the world.  We were on the path of living fast and dying young. This was fine with me.  As long as we were together.

The skinny bitch left behind pieces of her existence in the.  I really didn’t care.  I also had life outside of my lover. I was still fucking my best friend’s cousin.  The TOWN night life was nothing like what I had experienced in San Jose.  The amount of fun I was being exposed to should have been illegal.  I think a lot of it was, but it was fun. It kept me occupied.  I was juggling work, school, friends, family and two men.

If I allowed my mind to get idle at any point. I would start to concoct crazy ideas and there was no point in being unnecessarily crazy. I could use that when I really needed to act up. So between work, partying, dating my best friends cousin AND my lover I was really busy.  This was good.

My roommate was hardly ever home.  When she was, she was either in the kitchen or with her legs to her headboard. Life was good. It had simplified a tiny bit. The skinny bitch was out of sight and out of mind.  My best friends cousin was everything…he rocked my world, and made me smile.  My lover was on speed dial. My mind was occupied and my soul was fed. I paid a heavy price down the line, to have false peace of mind.

On more than one occasion, the cousin had just dropped me off and my lover was stalking my moves.  Calling me as soon as my foot hit the porch. “Hello”.  “And, who was that nigga droppin you off?” I loved it.

I loved the interrogation and the attempt at being jealous. Those moments were sexy. I would never respond to those sarcastic remarks and questions. I would simply say… “Do you want me to come over or not?” Like I said, life was good.