Love Comes in Darkness (19 page)

“You know you don’t have to do everything alone, and that it’s okay to ask others for help, right?” Gordy told him. Howard realized he was still in the room. He heard him walk out and then glass clink as it was thrown away. Then Gordy returned to the room. “Everyone needs help, Howard. You need Token’s help to get around. I need your help with my computers. Sophia needs your help and love with a lot of things you haven’t even discovered yet. There’s no shame in asking.”

Howard sighed. “Do you have any idea what it feels like to be at everyone else’s mercy? My mother and father loved me very much, I know that. But they also used my blindness to control me. If I wanted to go somewhere, I had to wait until they were ready to take me, if they agreed to go at all. I was in college before I had any real control over my life. I still can’t do some things, and I have limited control over others. How can I raise Sophia properly? How can I subject her to a life where… where she’ll be waiting on me because I need to rely on her to do things for me rather than me doing them for her? It’s not fair to her.”

Gordy dropped his hand. “It sounds to me like you don’t want her,” he said.

“Of course I do,” Howard said, turning toward Gordy’s voice. “I want that most in the world. But this isn’t about what I want. It’s about what’s best for her, and I’m not convinced that’s me.” Howard’s voice broke. “I’m trying to think of her. It breaks my heart that I have these doubts and fears. I want to pack up her things and take her back to my house. I want to paint her room pink. That is the color, right?” Howard asked, and he heard the others chuckle. “I want to give her the life my sister would have if she hadn’t died.”

“You can do all that,” Gordy said, “and more.” The longing in Gordy’s voice told him what Gordy meant as clearly as if he’d said the words. But he couldn’t ask Gordy to help him, to stay with them and take care of them. That wasn’t fair to him. Everything was such a muddle, and Howard could barely think straight.

A hand landed on his shoulder, accompanied by a forceful grunt. Howard heard the others get up. “Gordy, let’s go see what the girls are up to,” Ken said. Two sets of footsteps headed away, and Howard knew he was alone with Patrick.

“What are you doing?”
Patrick signed slowly and with emphasis onto his hand.
“Those people care about you. We all do. Are you trying to push Gordy away? Because you’re doing a good job of it.”

“No, I’m not. I care for him a lot.” Howard was not ready to admit to anyone just how deep his feelings were. “I….”

“Do you want to know what I think?”
Patrick signed, and Howard smiled.

“I think you’re going to tell me,” Howard said, and Patrick squeezed his hand rather than signing against it. “I know, I’m a smartass.”

“I think you’re trying to make decisions at a time when you should be grieving and remembering your sister. Not deciding what you and Sophia are going to do with the rest of your lives. Those things can wait until you’re thinking clearly, and none of them have to be made today.”

“Things won’t be different tomorrow or the next day. You know that,” Howard said.

“Maybe, maybe not,”
Patrick signed.
“But
you
will be different. You’ll be thinking clearly, and you won’t be so tired you can barely function. If you want my advice, don’t think about this for right now. Just take care of Sophia and let Gordy help take care of you. Whatever you feel for him, I think he feels for you. Has he said anything?”

“No,” Howard said. “We haven’t talked about those kinds of things very often, and there hasn’t been much of a chance in the last week or so.”

Patrick laughed, one of the few sounds he was able to make. Howard loved his laugh.
“You need to talk. It sounds to me like you’re willing to push him aside, and I think he got that same feeling.”

“I don’t want that. I….”

“I know,”
Patrick signed and then pulled him into a hug—a deep, comforting, warm, friendly hug that went right to Howard’s heart. Patrick did know. Howard was well aware of what Patrick understood. He didn’t miss much of what people meant; his problem was communicating his thoughts. Howard didn’t have that issue. Instead, he often misunderstood because he wasn’t getting the entire message.

“I think I should take your advice,” Howard said, and Patrick hugged him a bit tighter for a few seconds and then let him go. Then he took Howard’s hand and guided him toward the back. “Token, come,” Howard said and felt the dog around his legs. “Go on outside,” he said, and Token hurried away. Within seconds he heard a quick, happy bark, and Howard gripped Patrick’s arm as they headed out into the backyard.

“Did you two have a good talk?” Gordy said once Patrick had moved away. Howard found and sat in one of Lizzy’s flimsy plastic chairs.

“I think so,” Howard answered. “We agreed to think about it tomorrow.”

“Very Scarlett O’Hara,” Gordy said.

“I do know what that means. I’ve listened to
Gone with the Wind
.” Howard laughed. “Would you believe I’ve been to the theater? Movies sound better there. I know it probably seems dumb, but I used to like going to the movies with the other kids when I was growing up. It was one of the ‘normal’ things I did. It made me seem less different.”

“So you know movies,” Gordy said.

Howard chuckled slightly. “I’ve listened to a number of them, but I don’t really know too much about them. I haven’t been to one in years. It was a social thing when I was in high school and college. The other kids were going, and I wanted to go too.”

“Did you do a lot of things like that? Go places just because you wanted to fit in?” Gordy asked.

“Yeah,” Howard said as though it were the obvious answer. “I was a kid and I wanted to have friends my own age and fit in. Of course, I never really did. When I was younger it was easier to create an illusion that I was part of the group. The kids in the neighborhood would stop by, and we’d do things together. But of course my mother was always involved, and I rarely actually went anywhere on my own. When I got older, the other kids all began learning to drive, and the illusion was impossible to maintain. They began driving, and I tended to stay home more and work on my computers.” Howard tried smiling and hoped it was effective. “In the end, things worked out okay.” He paused. “Didn’t you do things to fit in?”

Gordy snorted. “God, yes. Stupid things. In high school I started smoking cigarettes.”

“Eww, you smoked?” Sophia said from nearby. “That’s gross.” Token barked happily, and the girls began calling back and forth, and screaming in that high-pitched way that can instantly rattle an adult’s spine.

“Please don’t scream,” Howard said gently, and the girls stopped for about two minutes. He figured it was a lost cause and didn’t admonish them further. They were happy, and if Sophia could forget what had happened for a little while, he wasn’t going to throw a wet blanket on her fun. “Sorry,” he said, returning his attention to Gordy. “You smoked?”

“For a while, until my father found out. I hadn’t been smoking long, and he sat me down and explained how disappointing that was to him and to my mother.” Gordy paused. “It was the first time my father actually talked to me like an adult. I never smoked again. But I was far from an angel. I suppose most of it was typical teenage stuff that I outgrew. But I always worked hard in my classes even if I tried a bunch of things I shouldn’t have. I probably would have gone too far if I hadn’t started wrestling and found something I was good at. I was strong and limber, so I made a good wrestler, and it gave me some structure and an outlet for my energy. I did well, too, and that gave me confidence.”

“I think it’s funny, but everyone needs a way to connect with the world,” Howard said, and Patrick tapped him on the shoulder and humphed twice. “Patrick agrees,” he added. “For me it was computers, books, and the embosser my parents got me along with my first computer. It opened a world for me that I hadn’t had before.” Patrick took his hand and began signing. “For Patrick, it was learning to sign,” Howard relayed.

“Have you always been silent?” Gordy asked, and Patrick paused in his signing and then replied that Howard could explain what had happened.

“Patrick was in an accident and his throat was damaged. He nearly died. The doctors saved his life but couldn’t save his speech,” Howard said, and Patrick signed to tell him the rest. “I don’t know the whole story, because parts of it are private between Ken and him, but Patrick was an opera singer and becoming quite well known. He didn’t learn to sign right away, and it wasn’t until he met Hanna and Ken that he started to open up to the outside world again.”

“Hanna was going through her treatments for leukemia,” Ken said, and Howard heard a chair shift. “She’d get better and then worse again. Patrick brought over a casserole of macaroni and cheese, which seemed to be the only thing that tasted good to Hanna. He was so kind and caring.” Ken paused. “I’m not going to tell them that,” Ken said playfully, presumably to Patrick, and then paused again. “In the summer, Hanna started asking about Halloween costumes and Christmas, so Patrick and his cousin threw a Halloween party in July and a Christmas party in August to make sure Hanna had a chance to celebrate the holidays.” Ken’s voice broke a little. “He got all the businesses and even the town to put up their Christmas lights. I’ll never forget Hanna asking me as we rode through town if she’d missed Christmas. It turned out we celebrated twice that year, and we have every year since. Now in August, instead of Santa bringing gifts, all the kids bring a gift to the party and give it to Santa for children in need.” Ken cleared his throat.

“I get the feeling there’s a lot more to that story,” Gordy said.

“Daddy, I’m hungry,” Hanna said.

“Me too,” Sophia added.

“I bought some ice cream bars when I was at the store,” Gordy said, and both girls cheered. “I’ll be right back.”

Token yipped softly, and Howard pressed the button on his watch. “Okay, boy, I’ll feed you.” Howard got up and carefully made his way to the door. He was learning his way around pretty well. He fed and watered Token and then returned to his chair outside. Gordy was right behind him.

“Eat them in the yard in case you spill,” Gordy said, and the girls walked away, talking excitedly.

“I can’t tell you how happy I am that you came. Hanna being here is a godsend for Sophia,” Howard said, and once again he began running through the decisions he had to make.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of crying he instantly knew was Sophia’s. “What happened?” he asked quickly.

“She fell on her ice cream and it’s all over her shirt,” Gordy said.

“Come here, sweetheart,” Howard said gently. “There’s nothing to cry over. We’ll get you changed, and you can have another ice cream.” He tried to soothe her, but it wasn’t working. “Can Gordy carry you inside and I’ll be right behind?” But she would have none of it.

Sophia cried harder, and Howard took her hand and gently led her inside. He tried to be as patient as he could. He got her to her room, feeling his way the entire time. He unfastened her shirt and pulled it off. “Go in the bathroom and wipe your tummy, okay?”

She sniffled and walked away. “Can I help?” Ken asked from the doorway.

“I need a top she can wear, and I have no idea where anything is kept in here,” Howard said helplessly. Sophia was still upset, and there was nothing he could do about it.

“This has nothing to do with the ice cream or her shirt. It’s just some of her grief coming out,” Ken advised and then placed fabric into his hands. “Sometimes it hurts you worse than them when they cry, but they need to. She needs to get some of this out. It’ll take a while before she fully gets over it, but she will, and you’ll help her.”

Howard wasn’t sure he had what it would take to help her. When Sophia came out, he handed her the shirt and asked her to put it on. Then he lifted her into his arms, and Ken slowly guided him back out into the yard. He carefully sat back down, and Gordy got her another ice cream. She sat on his lap and ate it silently, the chocolate on the outside of the vanilla ice cream crunching whenever she bit into it. The scent was heavenly, and when Howard asked, Gordy went inside and brought out some for the adults as well.

They talked quietly while they ate, and Sophia picked on him a few times when his ice cream dripped on his hand and clothes, but he wasn’t as concerned about that as he was about her. After a while, it must have been getting dark, because the air began to cool slightly. Ken and Patrick said their good-byes and got ready to leave. “I wanted to take Hanna out to see some things tomorrow,” Ken said after giving Howard a hug. “Maybe you could join us for some fun.”

“I have some meetings in the morning. There’s a Realtor coming to look at the house, and I have a meeting at the bank. Sophia, do you want to go?” Howard knew she was the important one. She didn’t answer, and Howard hoped Gordy would be able to help, but he remained quiet too.

“We’ll stop by late in the morning,” Ken said and then they left. Howard sat down, and Sophia climbed onto his lap, resting her head on his shoulder without saying a word.

“I know. I miss her too,” Howard said quietly.