Lost in Silence (The Lost Series Book 1) (12 page)

Alice

I walk, unsure of my destination. It doesn’t matter though. I just need to get out of the house and away from Hudson. I heard him leave but I knew I didn’t want to be there when he got back. I didn’t ask for this, to be led here and kept under his protection. He offered it and now it was beginning to feel like he didn’t want me here anymore. Something must have happened today to cause him this change in him. I wish I knew what it was, maybe I could fix it.

The fresh night air did wonders for my head and it isn’t long before I look up to see Missy’s house in front of me. I know she’s still up still because the light in her front room is on. I want to talk to her but I don’t know how to. The door to her home opens and she steps out onto the porch.

“Alice? Are you alright?” She calls out, wrapping a large gray sweater around her. I shuffle up the walkway toward her and nod.

Yes, I’m alright.

“Is Hudson alright?” She asks concern in her voice. Her long hair is down, framing her pale face perfectly in the moonlight. She looks beautiful and for a moment I wish I could be that at ease with myself.

I nod again.
Yes, he is fine.

She relaxes, pulling her sweater in tighter around her. I shiver as the cold finally penetrates my brain, making me wish I had grabbed something for warmth. I’m not used to the weather here, even though it was unseasonably warm from what I’ve been told.

“Do you want to come in?” She asks her eyes on my bare arms. I nod and follow her in. Her home is warm and quiet. I notice a book flipped open, the pages waiting for her to return, a romance novel by Sophie Samuels. “Would you like some tea? I was going to make some when I saw you standing on the street.”

I nod.
Yes, I’d like a cup.

She leads the way to the kitchen and I sit on a stool tucked under the island bar. She puts a kettle of water on to boil and turns to me. We stare at each other for a few beats before she lifts her eyebrows.

“I can’t read your mind Alice. I understand you have your reasons for this whole silent thing but if you want to talk, we need to find a better way to communicate,” she places both hands onto the counter and leans forward. She’s right, of course, but words aren’t easy for me, at least vocally they aren’t. I motion for pen and paper and she smiles. Opening a drawer she pulls out both and slaps them down onto the counter. “What’s up buttercup?”

The pen feels awkward in my hand but I carefully write the words.

I went out for a walk. I wasn’t really paying attention to where I was going I guess. Is me being here alright?

She leans over and reads what I’ve written.

“Of course,” she answers. “Does Hudson know you’re here?”

I shake my head and write.

No, he’s gone.

“What happened?”

I don’t know. He left.

She frowns and looks up at me.

He came home and he seemed agitated. I think he was upset I cooked.

Her expression softens.

Did I do something wrong? I don’t understand.

“It’s not you,” Missy says but her eyes are sad. The kettle begins to whistle and she turns, quickly pouring the steamy water into a pair of tea cups. She drops a tea bag into each cup and hands me mine. “Lavender chamomile, I order it special.”

Carefully sipping the delicious tea, it spreads through me warming me from the night air. I didn’t realize how cold I was until that moment.

“The first place he’ll look for you is here,” she lifts an eyebrow but I say nothing. “You already know that though.”

I nod. I know he’ll come here first, most likely to enlist his sister to help find me. But I also I know I’ll be safe here.

I’m not running away. Not after everything he’s done for me. It feel like I’m a problem for him.

“I understand,” she says but she’s holding something back. I can sense it. “You aren’t the problem.”

How can I not be? He didn’t want to eat but sat down anyways. He kept mumbling to himself, something about rules and keeping his distance from me.

She looks down at her cup and grows silent, sad even.

“To say my brother has been through a lot of...shit, is putting it lightly but it’s not my place to tell you about it. What I can tell you is I haven’t seen him this engaged with anyone in a long time,” she looks up at me, the warmth in her face stirs something in my gut. “He has feelings for you.”

You’re nuts.

“The coffee,” she laughs and reaches over to grab my hand. “The day you arrived, in the kitchen, when he was making your coffee, it was then I saw it first. He was caring, attentive and aware of your every move. In that moment, it was more than coffee.”

I pull my hand back. The air grows thicker around me, the memory of that morning fresh is still fresh in my mind. Hudson watching me. Waiting for my reactions. Pouring me a cup of coffee and making it the way I preferred. The way he’d seen me do it at every stop on the road. Was I missing something?

He was being kind.

Missy chews her lip.

“The man you know him to be is the Hudson I grew up with, the man I helped raise. That man has been missing for years,” She suddenly stops and takes a deep breath. “Alice, the things he’s gone through...”

The front door opens and bangs against the wall, interrupting Missy from further explanation. “Missy, are you home?” a panicked voice calls.

Hudson.

Missy grabs my hand and squeezes. I look at her, worry in my brow. I’m not ready to face him yet, not when there is still so much to work out in my head. I quickly scribble on the pad and slide it over to her.

Please, I need some time.

“Alice is gone,” his voice is much closer now. It’s only a matter of seconds before he enters the kitchen. Missy stands up and walks to the doorway as he appears through it.

“Missy,” he rakes his hand through his hair and swallows. His eyes are wild and filled with fear. “I fucked up. Alice is…”

“Here with me,” she interrupts him as his eyes search the room finding me instantly.

“You’re here,” the relief in his voice affects his entire body. He slouches and takes a deep breath.

“Hud, let’s go into the living room and talk,” she pushes him backward and he lets her. His gaze rests on me, confusion clouds his eyes. He notices the pen in my hand and the pad of paper on the counter. I look away from him, pretending to study the pen.

“You’re writing?” He asks. His voice is filled with disbelief. Missy pushes harder against his chest, as his steps falter.

“Alice is going to stay with me tonight,” Missy tells him just as they both disappear from sight. I take a deep breath and try to ignore the pulsing pain in my chest.

*****

Hudson

“What do you mean she’s staying here tonight?” I ask my sister as soon as Alice is out of sight.

“Exactly what I said,” she places both hands on her hips, daring me to argue. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you but you need to get your shit straight. It’s bleeding into the lives of the people around you.”

“What did she tell you?” I ask, crossing my arms. I wonder if King called her after our meeting this morning to tell her about his little revelation.

“Nothing.”

“What did you tell her?”

“Nothing, Hudson,” she pauses and takes a deep breath. “I wanted to but it’s not my place and she needs to hear it from you.”

“You know I can’t.”

“Tell her, don’t tell her, I don’t care but you need to find a way to move past this. You can’t survive this way.”

“I’m surviving just fine.”

“You call this surviving?” she scoffs.

“I’m not your problem anymore,” I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth but I can’t stop. “I’m not a child. You aren’t my mother. Drop it.”

“I can see why she ran,” her eyes glisten with hurt, my words cut deep. But I need her to hurt because hurting others, especially when I feel backed into a corner like now, was the only way to keep my own fear and pain from choking the life out of me. I knew Missy could take it but it made me more of an asshole using her this way.

“You’re right. You’re not my problem. You’re not a child. I’m not your mother. What you are is a sad, frightened man who refuses to see what is right in front of his face. Who pushes everyone who gives a damn about him away, so he doesn’t have to face the demons that haunt him daily. I know what happened to you sucks.
Double
because you lost two people you loved most in this world but it’s no excuse to give up and stop living. Crystal was a bitch who never deserved you in the first place. What happened to her isn’t on you. She made her choice. Preacher...”

“Don’t,” I interject knowing what she’s about to say. Taking in a deep ragged breath, I try to calm the raging heartache flowing through my body. I pushed her too far and I shouldn’t have. She showed more backbone than I anticipated. She held nothing back, her honesty brutal always eye opening.

“Can’t handle the truth?”

“No,” my voice is a whisper and my answer is sincere. I hang my head shamefully. I know Missy is right but every time I try to confront my demons, they win. Their darkness is bleak and strong in my heart.

“Go home Hudson. Work it out in your head and give her some time,” she sighs exhaustedly.

I feel like a failure tonight and I don’t like it. I was a failure for wasting the entire day driving around trying to talk myself out of my feelings for Alice. King was right to some degree and I fucked it all up in my panic. The darkness leaked through and spilt onto her.

I can’t take it back but I can shield from her from taking any more of it. Besides I’m all wrong for her, which is why I went to Smokey’s to meet up with Holly in the first place. I only wish I could’ve made myself get out of the truck instead of sitting there staring at the door. I couldn’t get Alice’s sad eyes out of my head. The knowledge that I had let her down, weighed heavily on me.

“I’ll go,” I say softly. The urge to fight for her has left my body exhausted and drained. Missy’s right. I need to screw my head on and make a choice. I’m not living. I’m in limbo. “I’ll bring a bag by for her later.”

“I’m sure she’ll appreciate the gesture.”

I turn to leave but Missy’s voice stops me.

“Hudson, I’m sorry if the words hurt but I feel you need to hear them,” her voice is soft and her words dig at my heart. She said nothing hurtful to me. I should be the one apologizing but this was typical of her and I knew she forgave me the moment the words left my mouth. Her love is truly unconditional.

“I did need them,” I swallowing the lump that formed in the back of my throat. Looking over my shoulder, I meet her eyes.

“I love you little brother but it’s time to let go of the past,” the truth of her words echo in my chest. “If you want a real chance with her, you’ve got to figure this shit out.”

I nod realizing my sister was the shit. She’s right but I what I want doesn’t matter. Alice deserves more than I can give her. She deserves everything.

Alice

“Alice.”

The darkness and warmth of slumber slowly begins to fade away as the voice calls to me, pulling me further into the land of consciousness.
No, I’m ready, not yet!
The smell of fresh brewed coffee fills my nose, beckoning me closer to the surface.

“Wakey, wakey, time for breakfast,” the voice, registering in my brain as Missy’s, speaks again. I crack my eyes and I’m assaulted by the blinding light of early morning sun. Missy stands at the end of the bed, a large cup in hand, smiling brightly.
Ugh, too brightly. What time is it anyways?

Turning my head for the clock, I notice a matching cup steaming on the nightstand. I grunt and throw the blankets off my legs as Missy leaves the room. I take a moment to stretch the sleep from my body before reaching for my coffee. I’m going to need all the caffeine I can get my hands on today. I spent half the night tossing and turning, waking with every creak and thump the house made.

The smell of fresh cooked eggs and bacon permeate down the hallway as my cup and I make our way into the kitchen. Missy is standing at the stove. She looks up and greets me with another smile.

“Good morning,” her voice is warm and motherly. I grunt, sitting down on the bar stool across from her. She chuckles. “Not a morning person I see.”

I can’t help shooting her an annoyed glare.

“Are you hungry? I’m just about finished with these eggs. I don’t know what you like so I kept it simple. Eat up, we’ve got a busy day ahead of us,” she stirs the eggs, glancing up at me every so often. I pat my stomach, surprised to discover I am hungry. I guess I’m finally used to eating again.

Glancing around the room I take notice of the cute kitschy knick knacks and how everything is placed perfectly with no particular order. The kitchen isn’t top of the line like Hudson’s but it is cozy and I’m sure Missy has chosen everything carefully and for a reason. Her entire home has that feeling and I like it.

I take a sip of my coffee, my eyes slowly trailing around the room. I notice a small duffle bag sitting next to the backdoor. I sit up when I recognize it’s mine.

“Hudson brought that by after you turned in,” she purposely keeps her eyes from me and I’m grateful, I can only imagine what the dumbstruck look plastered all over my face looks like.

I shake my head, trying to ignore the warmth suddenly blooming in my belly. Hudson’s thoughtfulness was doing a mixture of things to me and I wasn’t sure what to think of it. Missy looks at me and I’m sure she sees the confusion, the frustration and the adoration on my face since she takes my hand in hers.

“He can be a serious pain in the ass, I know, but he’s also one of the most thoughtful men on the planet,” she smiles brightly at me and I can’t help giving her one back. “I know you’re questioning everything Alice, I don’t blame you but you have to believe me when I tell you everything will work out. I know Hudson but if you just give him time and be patient, you’ll see what I’m talking about. Los Angeles happened to both of you for a reason. You being here now with us, is meant to be. Can you trust that?”

I nod, mesmerized by her uncanny ability to read my mind.

“Patience, Alice, because once you get past all the shit, he will blow your mind.”

Was that what I wanted? To have my mind blown by Hudson?

She slides the pad of paper towards me, “Say it.”

I lift up the pen, reluctantly, and begin to write.

He doesn’t want me that way.

“Not true,” her voice is calm and her words intense. She crosses the room to the bag, lifts it up and sets it down on the counter in front of me. “He’s just not ready to admit it yet and neither are you.”

She turns and walks out of the room, calling out to me as she goes, “Check the pocket, he wrote you a note.”

I swallow the last of my coffee in a hurry, grateful it has cooled enough to keep from burning my throat.
He left me a note?
My stomach feels hollow and my nerves are firing on all counts. Reaching into the side pocket of the bag and I feel a folded piece of paper that wasn’t there yesterday. It was his note. I want to pull it out, scour every word of it a hundred times but I don’t. I can’t, not yet. So I sit with my hand in the pocket, touching the letter for what seems like hours.

Maybe Hudson would blow my mind but he’d be wasting it on me. It wouldn’t be fair if I let anyone believe I was worthy of his attention. I don’t know why Missy insists we have feelings for each other. We don’t. We can’t.

I’m a stranger to him and he is to me.

And yet…he left me note. Why would he do that?

Finally feeling brave enough, I pull the sheet of paper out of the pocket. I can see the dark scrawls of his handwriting, the page folded neatly in half. I can tell he has nice handwriting for a man, legible but not overtly male. I stare down at it, waiting for it to strike me like a snake. It doesn’t. I take a deep breath, unfold the page and begin reading.

Alice,

 I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for not appreciating you. I’m sorry for thinking out loud and I’m sorry for what those thoughts were. Mostly I’m sorry I chased you away.

The truth is, you unhinge me and I don’t know how to react to it. It frightens me how much I crave your presence, even if you’re only ever silent. You make me feel like I can do anything, overcome anything and I haven’t felt this way in a long time.     

Please, give me the chance to explain in person and apologize. Have dinner with me tonight. I’ll wait for your answer.

                                                                                              Hudson

I read the letter again before putting it down. Tears fall freely from my eyes, plopping down onto the page, running the letters together. My heart aches over his words, it aches for him.
This is wrong on so many levels
. I didn’t like how he felt he needed to apologize to me. He didn’t. He was only doing what eventually needed to be done, creating space between us.

But damn it I want a dinner with him.

I could have dinner with him if I made it perfectly clear it was a dinner meant for friends, couldn’t I? Then I could explain to him why he didn’t need to go through all of this for me. Yes, if he understood where I stood, then surely we could work something out.

I stand up, the letter in hand, determination in my heart and walk down the hallway searching for Missy.

I didn’t know what to do next but I did know I had nothing to wear. Something told me Missy could help in that department. I just hoped she understood this was
not
a date.

Yeah, right Alice, keep telling yourself that.

*****

Missy insisted on a stop at the salon when I showed her the letter and told her I was going to have dinner with Hudson. Thankfully the drive is short because I began to regret my decision the moment Missy squealed like a teenage girl. I’m going on a date with her brother. Only it wasn’t a date and no matter how many times I tried to explain it to her she didn’t believe me.

We pulled up to a charming building built in the late fifties. It had a mid-century modern feel to it, painted the bright pastels of the time period. The sign above the door declared it to be the salon we called earlier for an appointment, Eleanor’s Beauty Bucket. A doorbell jingles overhead as we enter the posh location. It’s a small shop but busy no less.

“Missy,” A dark haired woman, with hot pink streaks greets us at the counter. She waves enthusiastically, a huge smile on her face. Her eyes meet mine and she gasps making me flinch. “Is this her?”

Missy turns to me and flips my brassy blonde locks, “Pinkie, this is Alice.”

“You weren’t exaggerating,” Pinkie, who is petite and pixie like, eyeballs my hair, her face no longer as bright. I cross my arms, suddenly very insecure. “Alice, we’re going to fix this right up for you, I promise. You’ll leave here feeling more beautiful than you’ve ever felt in your life.”

Missy touches my shoulder and I smile nervously at her. She pulls me in for a sideways hug, squeezing gently. I relax, accepting her gift of a makeover. All I want is to borrow a dress but she has other things in mind.

“I think Marjory would be perfect for this project, what do you think Missy?” Pinkie’s eyes are alight again, her smile even bigger than the first one.

“I think you’re right, is she available?”

“You’re in luck, she just had a cancellation,” she looks down at the appointment book in front of her. “She can work some magic in about an hour.”

“Perfect,” Missy bounces a bit on her toes, smiling as big as Pinkie. “While we wait, are there any open slots for mani-pedis?”

I look around, taking in the scene before us. The place is busy, filled with woman of all ages, chattering the latest gossip in between the sound of blow dryers and running water. There are at least ten stations, four manicure tables and three pedi-spas, all busy with customers. Pinkie stands from her chair at the desk, pulling my attention back to her. “We always have an opening for you. I’ll let Bobbi know you’re here.”

She walks toward the back of the salon and disappears briefly around the corner, leaving us at the desk waiting. When she reappears, a gorgeous woman with bright red hair, red lips and figure that curved for days follows close behind. She also has a smile plastered to her face.

“Missy,” her voice was large and over the top, a slight southern twang to it. She engulfs Missy into a hug. “It’s been too long. You haven’t been to see trashy Tammy, have you?”

“As if I ever betray you, one of my oldest friends,” Missy laughs and takes the woman’s hand in her own, squeezing it affectionately. “Tell me, how is Ms. Eleanor feeling?”

“You know her, just as ornery as ever,” Bobbi’s laugh is throaty and lush. She gazes over at me and smiles deeply. Her copper eyes are warm and filled with kindness. “Pinkie tells me you girls are in need of some pampering.”

“Yes, we are,” Missy releases Bobbi’s hand and pulls me closer to her. “This is Alice, a good friend of mine and
Hudson’s
.”

Bobbi’s eyes widen and I see a twinkle in their depths as she regards me. She reaches for my hand and pulls me closer. Her hand gently touches my chin, lifting it higher and she studies me carefully.

“I see,” her voice is soft. “Missy this one here is perfect for our boy. Nothing like that trailer trash Crystal he married.”

My eyes cut towards Missy, panic ensuing. I expect her to correct Bobbi, explain I’m not for her brother. That we’re just friends. He’s helping me out until I figure out what I’m going to do next. She doesn’t though. She doesn’t even look my way.

“Isn’t she?” Missy’s voice is light and airy, her smile soft. When she finally looks over at me, the panic I felt is gone, replaced with understanding. I know she thinks I’m good for her brother. That’s what this was all about, the spa day, the shopping, making sure I went to this dinner with Hudson. She’s trying to play matchmaker. I’m flattered but I’m not right for him. If she knew the truth about me, I know she would agree.

Yes, I’m attracted to Hudson. I know he’s a good man inside and he’s fighting his own way out of the darkness. I’m not going to lie and say the thought hasn’t occurred to me but it’d be wrong. He deserves someone the opposite of me and he made it clear last night I’m not who he wants. Regardless of the note and his apology, I’m not going to let him fool himself.

Bobbi gasps, her eyes go wide again and she brings her hands to her mouth, utterly perplexed. “You must think I’m completely rude, going on about you like your aren’t here. Please forgive me.”

I give her a weak smile because truthfully I didn’t find her behavior rude. I’m used to people talking about me like I’m not there. I experienced it my entire life, more so during my captivity. She didn’t know that of course, how could she? I glance over to Missy, hoping she reads my thoughts and pulls Bobbi’s attention away from me.

“How about those pedicures?” Missy clears her throat.

Bobbi’s gaze flicks between us before shaking off the awkwardness, “Of course, Carla and Beth are just finishing up. You ladies pick out something fabulous for those toes and I’ll let them know you’re waiting.”

Missy nods and points me in the direction of what can only be described as a rainbow wall. There are shelves of nail polish all neatly lined up, ready for someone to come along and be inspired. I feel a sudden rush of excitement, the idea of having my toes painted is something I love. Pampering myself was something I enjoyed doing after I moved out of my parents home, before things went south with Erik. Missy giggles as she picks up a cherry red bottle and hands it to me.

“Hudson’s favorite,” she whispers before stepping away from the wall, pulling me in tow.

My hand closes over the small bottle and its cool glass warms under my touch.

Dare I?

*****

I sit staring at the reflection before me, unbelieving.

Is the woman staring back really me?

“Alice,” Missy whispers as she stares at me in awe. “You look beautiful.”

I blush and look away from the reflection staring back at me. Gone are the long locks of brassy blonde, replacing it is a short dark bob, styled perfectly to be casual yet complimentary to my creamy skin and small features.