Living a Lie (44 page)

Susan’s selfishness was the last straw.

Swinging round, he took her by the shoulders.

“For Christ’s sake, what kind of woman are you?” Yanking her towards him, he held her tight, his dark eyes blazing into hers. He saw how beautiful she was, how feminine and seductive; he recalled the many times she had satisfied the sexual need in him, and wished to God he had never met her. There were men who would give their right arm to have her, but they didn’t know what lay beneath that sweet sugar coating. Susan was hard and cruel, a bitter woman with a wicked tongue and an insatiable desire to bend everyone to her own will.

Her voice was suddenly warm and persuasive, her anger temporarily forgotten.

“Don’t look at me like that, Harry,” she softly pleaded, ‘it only makes me want you more. ” When he was in a rage like this, with those dark brooding eyes looking into her soul, her passion was fired as always. Harry Jenkins was more man than she had ever met.

When they made love he took her to the very heights, yet when it was over he was gone from her. Like a wisp of smoke he drifted away and she could never get a grasp on him. In her heart, she suspected he yearned for someone else Jack Harpur’s woman maybe, but she wasn’t certain. How could she be certain?

“Let’s do it here … on the rug,” she whispered, her pretty eyes looking up at him.

“I’ve been lonely today. You were gone so long. Harry. I always miss you when you’re away.”

“You surprise me.” Releasing her so suddenly that she stumbled backwards, he drew himself to his full height, still looking down on her, wishing he could sit and discuss the worrying side of his business with her, like any other man might do with his wife. But she was not that kind of woman and he had to accept that.

“I’ve never refused you anything,” he murmured, ‘but as far as your changing a car that’s not yet a year old, I’m sorry, but we can’t do it. Not yet anyway. ” He had no wish to dash her hopes altogether.

Flouncing away, she turned on him again.

“Bastard! Why are you doing this? What’s behind it, eh? Is it because you saw me making eyes at the salesman? For God’s sake, Harry! It was only a bit of harmless flirting. I thought it might get me a few extras on the car. What’s wrong with that?”

His smile infuriated her.

“If you want to make a fool of yourself, who am I to interfere? As for getting you a few extras on the car, all it will get you is a bad name.”

“Don’t play games with me. I’m only concerned about the car. Why can’t I have it?”

Taking a deep breath, he stared up at the ceiling. Why couldn’t she just leave things the way they were? Why couldn’t she accept his judgment?

“Answer me, damn you!” Like a dog with a bone, she wouldn’t let go.

“You’ll just have to trust me.”

“That’s not good enough. Harry. I want to know what’s behind all this?”

Tired and irritable, he slowly brought his gaze to bear on her.

“All right. I had hoped to save you the worry, but work isn’t as easy to get as it was. Contracts are drying up, and I can’t yet figure out why.”

Her eyes grew round with horror.

“Losing contracts? I don’t believe you.”

“Well, you’d better try, Susan, because I’ve no reason to lie. I’m losing contracts hand over fist, and I’ve no idea why. I’ll get to the bottom of it, though, I can promise you that.”

She smiled slyly.

“It has to be a mistake. You’ll get the contracts back, I know you will. You’ve said yourself there isn’t a haulier in the country who can match your rates. You make certain every load is delivered on time, and you’ve never had one single complaint.” She sidled up to him, “I know it’s expensive, but we can afford it…”

“The car is out, Susan. It’s a luxury we’ll have to put on hold.” He hated piling this on her shoulders. He supposed it was her nature to be more extravagant than thrifty; the real trouble was, she didn’t care where the money came from as long as it kept coming. Now she had given him no alternative but to spell it out, and, to tell the truth, it was a blessed relief to actually talk to someone about it.

“You said just now anyone would think we had to count the pennies.” His voice was serious, and he could see that the truth was getting through to her at last.

“If things go on the way they are, that’s just what we shall have to do.”

He didn’t say anything more. Instead he gave her a look that drove the message home. Then he went to the kitchen, where he rummaged about in the fridge.

“What do you think you’re doing?” She followed him to the kitchen door and stood there, hands on hips, impatiently fidgeting.

Harry wasn’t in the mood for an argument.

“I’m famished… getting myself something to eat.” Lifting a huge steak pie from the shelf, he took it to the table where he sliced off a chunk. Sliding it on to a plate, he smiled at her.

“Want me to cut you a piece?” He felt lighter of heart. The worst was over. He had spilled out his worries. Later he would work out a solution.

She grimaced.

“What I want is for you to put that bloody thing back and get changed.”

“I’ll shower and change when I’ve put this on to heat.”

“No! I mean change into your best clothes. I thought we might go and try that new restaurant in Langho.”

He put the pie under the grill and took a long hard look at her. He hadn’t noticed before but he saw now: she was dressed to kill. Wearing a tight blue dress and stiletto heels, she was painted in rouge and mascara. In a slow deliberate voice he told her, “At four o’ clock this morning I was on my back under a lorry, with water and grease pouring down my neck. I’ve had a lousy day, I’m dog-tired, and all I want is a bath and a hot meal. After that I thought I might put my feet up, and the two of us could talk.”

“I don’t want to talk. I want to go out.”

“Then I’ll get you a cab and you can go out on your own.” He wondered how long he could put up with her cat and mouse games.

“Will you talk about me having the car?”

“Nope.”

“Then there’s nothing else for us to talk about.”

He gave a wry little smile.

“You’re right,” he admitted.

“We don’t seem to have much in common these days, do we?” A wave of regret came over him.

“But then, we never did have, only I was too blind to see it. In fact I’ve been too blind to see a lot of things. Happen we should call it a day.”

“You’re a wicked bugger, Harry!”

He despised her at times. She was a money-eating machine. Never satisfied, no matter what he did. “Wicked” ” He shook his head.

“I

don’t think so. “

There was a world of emotion in his voice. He didn’t love her. He never had and he never could. But he had always tried to do his best by her; always given her what she wanted, whether it be material things, companionship, or s&x of a kind that left them both exhausted.

Not once had he refused her anything if it was in his power;

it was almost as though he was compensating her in every other way for what she could never lay claim to:

his heart. Kitty had that. It would belong to her until he drew his last breath, and beyond, if such a thing was possible.

Sensing that she had gone. too far, Susan changed tack.

“I didn’t mean to yell,” she lied, ‘and I’m sure things will come all right at work. “

Sitting at the table, she looked up with soft pleading eyes.

“I don’t like it when we fall out,” she purred.

“It’s just that I don’t understand things like contracts and income and expenditure. I’ve never had the need to know about these things.” Crossing her legs, she drew her skirt up so her thighs were showing.

“I’m sorry I had to put you in the picture. It can’t be easy for you to accept we have to curb our spending for the time being.” He was aware of her little ploy to seduce him. He was also aware that she had splendid thighs. It was just a pity she had no heart or substance.

She watched him as he took a plate from beneath the grill.

“What about Jack Harpur?”

He was sitting at the table now. The mention of Kitty’s future husband made him frown.

“What about him?” His voice hardened as he pushed the plate away. Suddenly his appetite was gone.

Susan noticed his change of mood and though her suspicions were fired with regard to Kitty, she was wise enough not to make mention of it;

she had other ideas on how to deal with that little matter.

“I was just wondering, that’s all.”

“Oh? Wondering what in particular?” He was wondering too. Wondering whether she had perceived his longing for Kitty.

“It isn’t Jack Harpur who’s cancelled contracts, is it?”

“Not yet, but the way things are going, I wouldn’t rule it out.”

“Would it be bad if you lost his work?”

He gave a small laugh, but it was without mirth.

“Now that really would break the bank.” Losing his contract with Harpur would be bad in more ways than he cared to admit. It wouldn’t happen if he had his way. Not only was Harpur one of his biggest customers, he was also a vital link with Kitty.

Susan was very quiet. Jack Harpur had been on her mind for some time, and now that Harry’s business was taking a battering, he somehow grew in importance. She gave a secret little smile, before asking, “Are you coming out?”

“Not tonight. When I’ve had a shower, I’ve got some serious thinking to do, and maybe a few phone calls to make.”

And you really don’t mind if I go out? “

He thought about that a while, and when he gave his answer it had a ring to it.

“I’d like you to think about what

I said, Susan. Maybe it would be better if we went our separate ways anyway. “

She came to him and kissed him long and hard. Running her fingers up his leg and into his pocket, she caressed the end of his penis through the silk lining.

“There’s still time before I go,” she suggested, pushing her tongue into his mouth.

He was only a man after all, and she was a sensuous, beautiful woman.

He could feel himself growing hard, growing bigger with every stroke.

The feel of her tongue in his mouth made his senses race. She was smiling then laughing, confident that she had him just where she wanted him.

“Make love to me,” she cooed, licking his ear and softly giggling.

He was burning. His loins were so tight he felt he would burst.

“Thought you wanted to go out?” he said. Taking hold of her wrists, he thrust her away, a coolness coming over him as he stared at her with an expressionless face.

“You really are a bastard after all,” she muttered. Then she kissed him again and departed.

“See you when I see you,” she called as the front door opened.

“I might be back. I might not.”

“Whatever,” he murmured. He’d grown used to her strange little games.

He went up the stairs two at a time. In the bedroom he stripped naked, smiling at himself when he passed the mirror and saw that he was still erect with passion.

“You’re a bloody fool if you think you can ever have Kitty,” he told himself.

“Maybe you should take it where you can get it.” But his heart told him something else. It told him that rather than spend his life with a woman he didn’t love, he would spend it alone.

Showered and dressed, he ran a comb through his thick dark locks and returned to the lounge. Sitting in the chair by the fireside, he stretched out his long legs and mulled over the events of the evening.

“You and Susan will never make a happy marriage,” he murmured.

“End it now, before it cripples you both.”

Stretching out his hand, he took their wedding photograph from its place on the coffee table. For an endless moment he stared at it, at Susan in her beautiful gown, at himself in a dark suit looking far more serious than any groom should look, “Why the hell did you do it?”

he demanded, placing the photograph face down on the table.

“It wasn’t fair to you or her.”

Leaning back in the chair, he closed his eyes and pictured Kitty in his mind. A smile came over his handsome features as he recalled all the good times they had shared. It seemed so many years ago that they were just children;

sharing a garden swing, etching their names on the tree trunk, playing footie with Kitty as goalie. He remembered the time when he had kicked the ball a little too hard and it cannoned into Kitty, sending her down the garden with it. He had been horrified, but Sarah, his sister, thought it hilarious. Kitty laughed it off and they all settled for an ice-cream when the van turned up. In his mind he could see the sparkle in Kitty’s eyes. He could hear her laughter, and it tore him apart. As a boy he had loved her. As a man she had become his very life. In the nights, when he couldn’t sleep, he still treasured her. In his dreams she was there, always elusive. Every waking moment, when he was in the office or walking along a lonely street or driving along the highways, he treasured her. But she wasn’t his to treasure. That was what hurt. Kitty was someone else’s woman now. That had been her decision and, however painful it was to him, he had no choice but to live with it.

Suddenly he felt weary, as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders.

“Susan’s right,” he admitted, ‘you’re working every hour God sends, and for what? ” Even when he was home he couldn’t sleep. But it wasn’t sleep he needed. It was Kitty. She was the reason he drove the roads and kept away from the house as long as he could. She was the reason he pushed himself so hard. He had to keep busy or be swamped by the reality of losing her forever. While he was busy he could cope, but the minute he was given time to think, he could only think of her.

Suddenly she was all around, in his mind, in his heart, touching him, whispering to him.

“Leave me be. Kitty,” he moaned.

“You’ve made your choice. Now leave me be.”

Getting out of the chair, he went to the mahogany filing cabinet. From it he took out a folder containing his bank statements. Fingering through them, he realised again how serious the situation was.

“Worse than I thought,” he muttered.

“Work is dwindling fast. If Harpur pulls his contract now, I’d really be struggling.”