“I’m
sorry,” I said in a distant voice. “The last thing I want to do is hurt you.”
Waves
of emotion washed over his face. He tilted his head back and stared at the
ceiling and said in an impatient, almost chilly voice, “I’m fine. Don’t worry
about me. You need to stop concerning yourself with me.” He glanced down the
hall. “I need to get dressed and get prepared for everyone’s arrival. How can I
make you accept the fact that we can’t…”But he never finished his sentence. He
just shook his head, picked up his white towel and hurried away. When his
bedroom door slammed shut, I cringed.
As if
reality hadn’t already burned right through my skin, Lady Gaga’s voice came
wailing down the hallway with a blatant statement:“You and me could write a bad
romance.” Uncanny how my iPod on shuffle mode seemed to be completely in tune
with every moment of my emotional morning.
Jason
avoided me for the next few hours. I tried reading some of the Guardian
historical accounts in the library, but even those couldn’t hold my attention.
Watching a movie was exasperating. Excessively frustrated, I went for a walk,
eventually planting myself on a large boulder overlooking the ocean. As the
waves smacked against the rocks below, I stared blankly out at the glistening
sound. All alone, I spent quite some time absorbing the heat of the day before
I heard Jason approach from behind.
“I’ve
been looking everywhere for you,” he panted.
“Looks
like you’ve found me.” I didn’t turn around but could hear him sliding down the
bank. He came to a halt directly behind me.
Then
he said those four little words that anyone in a relationship doesn’t want to
hear. In fact, a wave of anxiety crawled across my skin, causing the hairs on
my arms to bristle. Those four words that, when spoken by one person in a relationship,
always makes the other person immediately nauseous and ready to bolt for the
nearest door. I knew this, because I’d been there before. Only this time, I had
no door to run through. My only option was to dive 15 feet into the water
below, and while that option sounded pretty good, I knew I needed to stay so he
and I could work this out.
“We
need to talk,” he repeated the four words with consternation.
Turning
my head slowly, I gazed up at him. He still wore his faded blue jeans but now had
on a short-sleeved, light-blue button down shirt. His neckline was exposed,
some of his chest hair was visible, and he stood before me looking annoyingly
handsome. Cursing my heart rate’s rapid acceleration, I knew I was doomed to
experience sudden spikes in blood pressure from this day forward – all because
I was too familiar with what his chest looked and felt like under his shirt.
Curtly,
through gritted teeth, I said, “Let me guess. You’re going to tell me that our
kiss was a big mistake. You never should have let it go that far, and it can’t
happen again. Then you’re going to suggest we need to find a way to work this
out and stay friends.” I kept my face expressionless but made an irritating
clicking noise as I awaited his response.
His
eyes widened and he chewed on his thumb. Sitting down beside me, he refused to
meet my eyes. He gazed at the water lapping below. “Basically yes.”
“That’s
it?” I asked angrily. “That’s all you have to say?”
In
disbelief, he twisted around and looked at me. “What else do you want me to
say?” he snapped. “Sounds like you’ve already figured it all out.”
I
tilted my head sideways. “How about you explain your reasons. I want a clear
understanding of where you’re coming from.”
“Fine,”
he shrugged and let out a skeptical grunt. “First, you know it’s not possible
for a Guardian and Amethyst to…” he paused, and I arched my eyebrows. “Well, to
be physically together,” he said.“You witnessed that firsthand during our
kiss.”
“You
keep saying that, but I’m not buying it, because I know for certain that
Jessica’s mom is an Amethyst and her dad is a Guardian. So, do you want to
explain how they’re together and have three kids.”
His
mouth opened wide. “Jeez Alex, I thought you knew. I can’t believe Jessica
didn’t tell you.” With frustration, he jabbed a small rock into the large
bolder, leaving several tiny marks.
“Tell
me what?” I said with exasperation.
He
stuck out his lower lip and blew out a deep breath before throwing his rock
into the water. “Jessica’s parents are together because her mom gave up her
healing abilities.”
Momentarily
stunned, I stared at him. “What? You’re kidding, right?” I was skeptical but
felt a lack of oxygen flowing to my brain.
“No,
but I wish I was. When Mrs. Nelson gave up her gift she could no longer heal
Guardians with her touch, and Guardians were no longer inflicted with pain when
they touched her.”
“That
doesn’t make any sense,” I said with confusion. “I’ve felt how strong her
Essence is. And…and...how could she make her ability to heal go away?”
He looked
at me with concern. “Alex, I don’t know how she gave up her gift. She hasn’t
shared that information. I don’t even think Jessica knows how she did it. And
yes, her Essence is still strong. When she’s working at the hospital her
Essence still flows and helps people feel better, but it only works on
Innocents,
and
it’s just not as powerful as it once was.”
“I
can’t believe this.” I buried my face in my hands.
“The
Nelson’s were heavily ostracized for a long time,” Jason said dejectedly and
wrapped his arms around his knees. “Once the Nelson’s made the decision to be
together there was no stopping them. Mr. Nelson had been next in line to be the
Senior Guardian, but after that they were basically cast out of the Circle for
their blatant disregard of the Circle’s decrees. Mrs. Nelson knowingly threw
away her unique and rare gift of healing.”
“I
can’t believe it,” I said.
“It’s
true. And you have to realize that Jessica’s mom was the first Amethyst to ever
grace the Bellingham Circle; she was a valuable asset, very coveted. With
Ray-pac incidents on the rise and more occasions rising when an Amethyst’s
abilities were needed...well, to lose her was a huge blow to the Circle. The
Nelson’s lost a lot of friends and a lot of respect.”
“But
they’re back in the Circle now.”
“Yes.
My mom and Mrs. Nelson were best friends, and my mom refused to give up their
friendship and never gave up hope that her friend would one day be allowed back
in. After a time the Nelson’s had Max and Madison, both of whom were Seers, and
then they had Jessica…”
“A new
Amethyst for the Circle,” I mumbled.
“Yes,
and the Senior Council voted to allow the whole family back into the Circle.
That’s about the time the Nelson’s basically donated Towhead Island as a
destination spot in which to build a Guardian Retreat.”
“Wow,”
I said and rested my chin on my clasped hands.
“Now,
do you understand?” he asked.
“I
understand their story,” I said in a defeated tone and turned to him. In a
stronger voice I said, “But, I want to know about you and me. For one second
pretend I’m not an Amethyst. How do you feel about me?”
“Alex,
that’s not fair.”
“Why?
Can’t you at least be honest for once?”
“I
don’t want to hurt you,” he said softly.
“Oh
great, now you’re concerned about my feelings,” I said heatedly.
Nervously,
he rubbed his hands together. “Of course I’m drawn to you. Your Essence is
incredible; you’re like a walking feel good booster. But I don’t know if I’m
drawn to you because of you or because of your Essence. How do I know…how do I
know I wouldn’t feel the same way if…if…Jessica kissed me,” he said weakly.
I
couldn’t believe his words. And I couldn’t believe my actions when I slapped
him hard, leaving a red mark across his cheek. He didn’t try to defend the
blow. He just sat there and looked at me warily. Seething with rage, I rapidly
shook my head back and forth several times, barely able to catch my breath.
When I stood up, he immediately jumped to his feet too.
“I am
sorry,” he said. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“You…are…such…a…liar,”
I stuttered and started shaking. “You can’t tell me you don’t feel the sparks
flying every time we look at each other. And it doesn’t take any Essence for
that.” I could feel the tears pooling, threatening to fall. “You can’t tell me
you don’t enjoy our time together or deny how compatible we are. And,” I said
poking my finger into his chest, “You’re lying. You can’t tell me there wasn’t
more to that kiss than Essence.”
He
lowered his head and closed his eyes. When he lifted his face again he stared
at me with emotionless eyes. “I can’t tell you what you want to hear.”
I
wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted him to kiss me again and tell me he
was lying, but he just stood there looking at me obstinately.
I felt
a tear slide down my cheek. Licking my lips, I tasted the salty pain. With all
the feeling of someone who has just lost the one they love, I said fiercely,
“Well, I will at least give you the courtesy of honesty.”
Whipping
his head side to side, he pleaded, “Don’t do this.”
I
ignored him and said, “My heart was yours. It has been since the day I gave you
CPR in the middle of the street.” Now the tears were cascading down my face,
but I didn’t care. He needed to know how deeply this hurt. I brought my arm up
and brushed them away. “You’ve broken my heart. Not because you’re a Guardian
and I’m an Amethyst, but because you can’t even be honest with me, or yourself,
for that matter. Apparently, you are just as talented at guarding your feelings
as you are at protecting Innocents.” I was practically foaming at the mouth. “I
want you to know that not only have you broken my heart, but it feels like
you’ve smashed it into a thousand pieces and–”
“Alex—”
“No!
Don’t!” I said and put my hand out to stop him. “I will do my best to act
normal when everyone else is around us, for the sake of our friends and for the
sake of our friendship. But you’re going to have to give me a little time, a
little space. You once told me that people who follow their emotions fall
harder. And I said they love deeper. Obviously, we were both right.”
“Alex,”
he pleaded and shifted his feet, “I do enjoy spending time with you. And I do
care about you very much. As a friend. Even though it doesn’t feel like it now,
please try to understand it’s better for us this way.”
I was
speechless, exhausted, and emotionally drained. “Yeah right,” I said, clenching
my hands into fists. “Just in case you were in doubt, I’ll be staying here
while you pick everyone up from the Harbor tonight.” With that, I simply turned
and walked back to the Retreat.
Several
hours later, sometime in the early evening, I was curled up on the Dresden
Plate quilt in the middle of the sleigh bed writing a letter to my mom. Shadows
crept slowly up my walls in accordance with the sun’s descent out over the
islands. I was trying to sort out my sordid emotions, but wasn’t having much
luck. There was a tap on my bedroom door. Closing my eyes, I willed my temper
to remain in check. “Come in,” I called out and glanced at the doorway.
He
walked in and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Um, I’m leaving now. You sure
you want to stay here alone.”
I
snorted, crinkled my nose, and said in a voice that came out a little more
antagonistic than intended, “I think we’d both be happier.”
He
simply nodded and motioned to my pen and paper. “Writing something?”
“Yeah,”
I said and glanced down, “my mom loves to get hand written letters, and I
thought it might be therapeutic for me as well.”
His
jaw dropped. “Are you telling her about everything?”
“Of
course not,” I said snidely. “She doesn’t know…anything,” I finished. “But,” I
sat up on the edge of the bed, “I do have a question for you.”
“What?”
“Well,
what’s the deal with telling
Innocents
about…well, about Guardians and
Amethysts and stuff?”
His
eyebrows twitched in surprise. “Well, usually it’s forbidden to discuss it with
them unless you have permission from the Senior Guardian…”
“Well,
I have a dilemma then,” I said and chewed on the end of my pen. “Ben and Ally
have always known about…”I stopped myself before I slipped and said ‘my
premonitions’. “What I mean is, they already know about my Grandma’s journals
and how she was a Seer, and they know about me being an Amethyst. So, I can’t
exactly not tell them about what happened last weekend. What am I supposed to
do?” I looked at him for help.
“I think
you’re fine for now Alex. I’ll talk to my dad about it.”
“They’re
completely trustworthy, and I know they’ll never say anything,” I added, now
nervous about any potential threats directed towards them.
“Seeing
as how they’re your best friends, I have no doubt that’s true. Let me talk to
him. Besides, if the need should arise there’s always one other option,” he
said.
“What’s
that?” I asked gingerly.
“My
sister Hannah is a Memory Manipulator,” he said with a shrug.
“You
can’t be serious.” I sat up a little straighter and clutched the quilt. “You
mean she can erase someone’s memory?”
“Erase
or enhance a memory or memories,” he corrected.
“Wow,
that’s one to watch out for,” I muttered. “I hate to ask what her husband’s
ability is.” I tapped my pen against my leg.
“Her
husband Dan is an
Innocent.”
“An
Innocent
?”
I repeated and thought for a moment. “Well then…who’s she linked with?”
“Jessica’s
dad.”
“Seriously?”
That was shocking. He nodded like it was the most natural thing in the world,
and after I thought about it for a couple minutes it did make perfect sense.
“Probably works out well,” I mused aloud. “With Hannah married to an
Innocent
and Mr. Nelson married to an Amethyst, who isn’t truly an Amethyst anymore,” I
said crossly, “they would both still need someone to link with, and that easily
solves both their problems.”