Pulling
off his sweater, he said, “I’m sorry you’re shivering. Here, put this on.” As
he pulled the sapphire blue sweater over my head, his warmth and masculine
scent passed over my face and settled around me.
“You’re
gonna freeze now,” I complained, glad that at least his shirt was long sleeved.
“No,
I’m plenty warm.” He smiled but seemed nervous.
“Jason,”
my teeth chattered, “what’s this all about?”
He
leaned against the railing, sighed, and stared out towards the ocean. I studied
his profile with angst as I waited patiently for him to speak. The balcony
shook slightly as the deep bass frequencies radiated from the subwoofer, seemingly
rocking the entire house with powerful beats.
“Alex,
I don’t know where to begin.” He gripped the top rail, and every nerve in my
body stood on end. In a quiet voice he said, “I’ve been lying to you, but I’ve
been lying for good reason.” He turned until he was facing me, and when our
eyes locked he began again. “I can’t hold back anymore, because it’s tearing me
apart. But first, I have to ask you something.” He looked stressed.
“Okay.”
I wrapped my arms around myself and wondered where this was going.
He
shifted his feet. “I need to know…” he trailed off for a second and then
continued, “is Ash…does he make you happy?”
My
heart dropped. “Really?” I said angrily. “You’ve got to be kidding.” I swung my
arm through the air, and practically shouted, “You shower me with compliments
and then pull me out here in the freezing cold so you can drill me about my
relationship with Ash. Why?” I asked, even though I had no intention of letting
him respond. Hurriedly, I snapped, “You’re the one who said he was good for
me.” With my lips quivering and my teeth chattering, I said resentfully, “As I
recall, you said you were
fine
with he and I together, so why all the
concern now?” I grimaced, and he flinched.
“I
just need to know,” he said weakly.
In a
tired and defeated voice, I said, “I can’t do this with you any more Jason. It
hurts too much. What I can do, is assure you that you don’t need to worry about
me.” Turning on my heel, I started for the house. I was so stupid; I’d actually
thought he was finally going to admit his feelings for me. Obviously not. And
this time, it was my turn to walk away. There was no way I could face the
Ray-pacs if I had to live through watching him walk away from me for the
hundredth time. I’d be such an emotional wreck; there’d be no putting me back
together.
“I’m
not fine with it. I’m not fine with it at all!” His voice rang with fury across
the deck and bounced loudly off the sides of the house.
I
stopped dead in my tracks. Gazing up at the night sky, I watched a cluster of
clouds drifting slowly to the right until eventually they unveiled the full
moon. As I studied the bright beauty of the moon, I reached up and clasped my
pendant which was resting under my sweater. Jason’s sweater.
“Alex,
when I walked in your house and saw you in his arms, my world came crashing
down around me. In that moment, my heart broke in two.”
His
words left my stomach in spasms and my breath ragged. I’d been waiting to hear
these words from him for so long. I didn’t know if I actually believed them
now. He came up behind me and leaned his forehead against my back. Yearning to
turn around and hold him, I refrained, because he hadn’t given me enough. I
didn’t trust him yet, and I needed more.
In a
raspy voice he said, “I wanted to kill him. I’ve never experienced such
feelings of violence, except maybe the day Kieran led you off into the
woods.”Resting his hands on my jeans, he gripped my waist.
I
closed my eyes and tried to get my breathing under control.
“It…was...just...a…kiss,” I whispered. “That was all. I told you he is a
friend.”
I
could feel his head shaking back and forth against my back. “I believe you now,
but I couldn’t believe you then. Put yourself in my shoes. It was early
morning, your hair was wet, the house was filled with flowers, and you were in
his arms. And…and you were wearing a robe which was half off your shoulders, so
I…I assumed he’d been with you all night. The thought of him touching you –
being with you…well, it stirred a rage inside me.” He shook me. “But what could
I do? I had no claim on you.”
A tear
slid down my cheek. He actually thought I’d been with Ash? I felt sick. “I
didn’t do anything other than kiss him.” I quivered.
“I
understand, and I do believe you.”
“But
had you not walked in, I can’t say where things would have gone. Ash has been
good to me. He doesn’t play with my emotions, string them along, and then
destroy them.” I took another ragged breath. “I don’t know what else to say.”
“You
don’t need to say anything,” he replied miserably. “I did this to you. I did
this to us. This is my fault. I should have been honest with you from the
beginning. But I’ve tried to do the right thing for everyone involved. I’ve
tried to uphold my commitments to the Circle. But I can’t do it anymore. My
life is a mess.”
I shut
my eyes even tighter and could actually feel the air trapped in my lungs,
trying to escape. Was I dreaming?
He let
go of me. “Will you please look at me?”
My
head dropped, and I stared at the cedar planks. Taking a deep breath, I
gradually circled around, and upon looking at him, saw a multitude of emotions
wreaking havoc on his face. His eyes glistened, but it was regret that seemed
to shimmer brightest.
“Do
you still feel anything for me?”
Exhausted,
I said, “Jason, I’ve always had feelings for you.”
As soon
as the words left my mouth, he grabbed my waist, pulled me towards him and
kissed me – almost violently. His needy lips crushed against mine. His tongue
found mine and forcefully took control, exploring deeper and more recklessly
than anything I’d ever attempted with him. A hint of mint, a taste of desire,
and a profusion of passion.
His
hands were on my face, in my hair, down my arms – covering me, exploring me,
and owning me. He tugged at my sweater and his hands slipped under my blouse
until they were flat against my bare back. The skin on skin contact was almost
too much to handle. We both staggered a few steps as the shock waves ripped
through our bodies.
His
hands and his mouth dominated me. For once he was the aggressor – steadfast and
unyielding. I never thought I’d allow myself to be so completely commanded, but
I relished in the authority he established over me. I let my defenses fall as
his kisses ravaged me. I’d been so starved for his affections – endlessly
waited for him to reveal his feelings. He did not disappoint. If his rough
kisses and fervent caresses were any indication of the hunger he’d kept bottled
up inside, then I was in for some serious bruising, because his appetite would
not be waning anytime soon.
My
hands found their way under his shirt. My fingertips frantically traced over
his abs and glided over the muscles on his chest, before I eventually left them
resting flat against his firm, upper body. His heart pounded out of control,
even outdoing mine. After months of pent up desire, we were lost in emotions
and entangled in each other’s bodies. With his lips smashing against mine and
his tongue ravaging my mouth, I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. Or perhaps
I’d finally found my way home.
After
several minutes he broke off and gasped for air. Deeply, I inhaled the crisp
night air. The chill was so invigorating, so in contrast from the heat pouring
off our bodies. Pulling away slightly, he brought his hands up to my face and
held me steady.
“Alex,”
he whispered hoarsely, his tone spilling over with emotion. “That was even more
incredible than the last time…” he trailed off, his voice laden with guilt. My
eyes opened at his mistake. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I’m such an idiot. You
wouldn’t know what I’m talking about, because I interfered where I shouldn’t
have and almost lost you–”
“Jason,”
I started to say; I was going to tell him I did remember our kisses, that I
hadn’t allowed Hannah to erase my memories.
“No.
Shhh. Just listen.” He held a finger to my lips and caressed my shoulder with
his other hand. “You’ve opened yourself up to me so many times, and I’ve shut
you down over and over again. Can you ever forgive me? Please tell me it’s not
too late for us.”
“I
don’t know…”
“You
don’t know?” He cut me off. Twisting a strand of my hair around his finger, he
said desperately, “Is it because of Ash? Do you love him?”
My jaw
dropped. He was a complete idiot.
But I
suppose he was my idiot.
His
face fell and he added, “I’ll understand if you’re in love with him.”
I
couldn’t read his expression for sure, because at that precise moment dark
clouds swept over the moon and the extra light faded away. But if I had to
guess, I’d say he was panicked as he awaited my response, and I could tell he
was even holding his breath. I grabbed onto his wrists. “No, I’m not in love
with Ash. I do love him, but not like that,” I proclaimed. The flickering
flames from the heat lamp allowed me to see the tension lines fading from his
face. “But, I won’t lie. He’s like a best friend; we’re very close.” I had to
tell him that much. I wasn’t willing to give up my friendship with Ash. “I know
it didn’t look that way when you saw us together, but it’s the truth.”
“I
didn’t like it,” he said roughly.
“Jason,”
I placed my hand against his smooth face. “It didn’t mean anything.”
“I
hear you, but I didn’t like it. Apparently, I’m an insanely jealous guy.”
Smiling,
I tilted my face deeper into his hands which were still framing my face. “Do
you remember when I went grocery shopping with Ally, and you and I had that
discussion back in bulk foods?”
“How
could I forget?”
“You
asked me what I wanted from you.”
He
nodded and blinked rapidly.
“And I
told you nothing but friendship.”
He
tipped his head forward and winced. “Yes, I remember.”
“That
wasn’t true. You have to know I’ve always wanted more.” I looked at him sternly
and said weakly, “But Jason, I don’t understand what we’re doing here tonight.
Or what you’re thinking.” I clasped my hands together and glanced out at a
distant light, probably a passing boat. Momentarily, I returned my gaze to him.
“So, I’m going to ask you this time. What exactly is it that
you
want
from me?”
As the
song ended inside the Retreat, a passing silence followed. I could hear the
waves lapping against the shore below, but just until the music started up
again. A gentle breeze rustled the trees and a strong gust of pine surged past.
Taking me by surprise, he grabbed my arms and wrapped them solidly around his
waist before placing his own hands behind my neck. The moon came into full view
and lit up his face. At that point, the color of his eyes shouldn’t have caught
me off guard, but they did. They were only eyes for heaven’s sakes. Except,
they weren’t any pair of eyes, they were Jason’s aqua-marine eyes. And they
were looking at me in a different way. The fire within them flashed like the
colors in my opal pendant; they were inexplicably warm and emotional as well.
“Everything.
I want everything from you,” he said in the softest voice possible, and my
heart soared. “Alex,” he continued, “when I ran into you on the sidewalk that
very first time, its true your Essence is what stopped me short. But the moment
our eyes connected, the electricity that passed between us was undeniable. And
then later, when you thought your CPR performance is what brought me back, when
really it was your Essence,” he paused and smiled at the memory, “Well, I
almost dropped into unconsciousness again when I realized your mouth was on
mine. I can’t tell you why, because we didn’t know each other at all, but I
wanted to know every inch of you, not just your Essence.”
Tapping
my fingers against his back, I bit my lip. His words were too good to be true.
“That’s hard to believe.”
“Well,
believe it. And, I even kept your Nike hat that day,” he admitted.
“I know.
I found it.” I dropped my head guiltily.
“I
thought your vanilla scent was heavy in my stateroom,” he laughed and mussed my
hair. “But I knew all was lost when I ran into you at Village Books. I’ll never
forget your cheeks flushing as you chased your cell phone across the floor, all
while your dad was calling out your name. You stood up and looked at me,
completely and utterly embarrassed; the look on your face was priceless.”
“You’re
bad.”
“I
am,” he said with a grin. In all seriousness he added, “I tried in every way to
suppress my feelings for you, even when it meant hurting you. But I did it
because that’s what’s expected of a Guardian, and I didn’t want to jeopardize
you or my family in any way. ”
“I
realize that,” I said sadly. “But where does that leave us now?”
“I
don’t know.” He tightened his hold on me and scuffed the deck with his foot.
“But I do know that I can’t live without you, and I can’t live if you’re in
someone else’s arms. The hardest thing I ever did was tell you that I was fine
with you and Ash being together. That was the biggest lie I’ve ever told.”
I
caressed his back with my hands. “You destroyed me when you said that,” I
admitted.
Through
gritted teeth he said, “I’m so sorry. I destroyed myself too. This last month
has been the worst. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. My mind replays the moment I
found you in Ash’s arms and then other images form and I want to hunt him down
and wipe him off the face of the planet.”
“What
about Carissa?” I asked suddenly to steer the conversation away from Ash.
He
made a face. “She’s been ancient history for a long time. When I saw her
tonight, I realized how much she’s changed…or maybe I’ve changed? I don’t know.
But one thing I do know is that the feelings I had for her long ago are nothing
compared to the feelings I have for you. Not even close.”