Linda Ford (17 page)

Despite her positive considerations, a sorrow as deep as eternity filled her soul.

She turned her back to Belle and buried her hands in her face, lest her little sister see the tears flowing down her cheeks. The way Thorton had treated her had left her hating herself.

Chapter Twelve

W
ard rode after a wayward cow. He always enjoyed being out in nature, riding behind the cattle. He drank in the pine scent, the air so fresh it likely came off a glacier higher in the mountains. Here and there, wildflowers of pink, yellow, orange and red dotted the alpine meadows. The sky was as blue as deep water with only a scattering of fluffy clouds.

He was anxious for the day when he’d have his own herd to move. In fact, he might buy some cows this fall and take them to his ranch. What would Red think of his little cabin? Not that it mattered. He’d written a number of letters to his mother, his brothers, every neighbor he could remember, the postmaster, the schoolteacher, the church, even addressed a letter simply to “The Lawyer” in the town where he’d last seen his family. Surely someone would know where they were and be able to get a message to them.

If only they’d come west and join him. His usual enjoyment of nature dimmed this year. A week of trailing after a herd of cattle seemed like eternity. He wanted to spend the time with Red. And Belle, of course. The little girl was a joy to play with.

Red remained a mixed joy as she continued to present him with nothing but her feisty side. Not that he hadn’t seen more. So much more. He’d seen tenderness and longing in those unguarded moments, especially after he’d kissed her. She would vehemently deny it if he was foolish enough to point it out.

Mostly she seemed intent on proving she didn’t need or want anyone. In the depths of his heart he understood why. She couldn’t believe anyone would let her forget her past or be prepared to overlook it. No words would convince her so he quit trying. But as far as he was concerned, she wasn’t responsible for what happened to her. She’d been tricked and forced to endure unspeakable things in order to protect Belle. In his eyes that made her noble and strong.

And if anyone dared to condemn her in his hearing, they would regret their words.
Lord, help her realize she doesn’t need to dwell on the past.

A cow veered away from the herd and Ward rode after it. A few more days and they’d be back at the ranch. Maybe his absence would make Red miss him. He grinned at the idea. What would it take to make her confess such a longing?

Perhaps given enough time...

If she stayed for the winter, he could make sure she had plenty of food to eat and wood to keep warm. He could help her pass the long winter afternoons. They’d talk about their hopes and dreams, play games with Belle. He might even pull out his father’s poetry book and read a poem or two to her. Would she think it too romantic?

He figured time would heal her wounds and wanted to be there the day she realized she was free of her past. They could celebrate with a kiss or two.

Realizing his grin seemed permanently fixed to his lips, he glanced around to make sure none of the cowboys observed him. He’d take a razzing if they did. Thankfully they were occupied far enough away they couldn’t see him.

Three days later they drove the last of the cows to the lower pastures and headed for the bunkhouse.

“I’m going to have a nice long soak,” Ward announced, which brought a burst of snickers from the others.

“Got courting on yer mind?” Slim asked, his innocent voice not fooling Ward or any of the others.

“Could be,” Ward allowed.

The others jeered, though he knew they would all head out for town or to the nearby ranch where a couple of single gals lived.

“Just so long as you remember I get first dibs on the tub.” He kicked his horse into high gear and headed for the bunkhouse accompanied by yells from the others as they raced after him.

A few hours later, he strode across to the cabin, certain he smelled much better than when he rode into the yard. He’d donned a clean pair of denim jeans, his favorite blue shirt and polished his boots. He couldn’t wait to see Red.

Belle raced from the cabin. “Ward. Ward. You’re back.”

It was a greeting to warm a man’s heart. He waved and called a hello to her, then his gaze riveted to the doorway. Would Red come out or would she make him go in search of her?

Then she stepped into the sunshine. Her red hair glistened like a welcoming fire. Her eyes remained guarded but pink stained her cheeks. She would no doubt deny it, but he figured it meant she was happy to see him.

He was so glad to see them, his heart squeezed like an overactive fist. He jogged the last few steps, caught Belle and tossed her in the air.

She squealed in delight.

The child still in his arms, he moved to within a few inches of Red, brushed her cheek with his fingertips. “Glad to see me?”

She shook her head no, but her eyes said yes.

He put Belle down and moved closer to Red, drawn by the secrets in her gaze, hoping those secrets included feelings for him she wasn’t ready to admit.

“She’s gonna make us leave,” Belle said.

Ward’s heart spasmed like someone had stomped on it. He’d misread her expression. The secret she held was continued resistance. All joy fell out the bottom of his heart, leaving him empty and hollow.

Red hurried inside, Ward on her heels and Belle right behind.

They faced each other like wary boxers waiting to see who would make the first move.

Belle spoke before Ward could bring his thoughts into rational order. “You tell her she’s wrong.”

Ward pulled a small carved dog from his pocket. “Belle, take this outside and play. Stay out of the wind.” Rain had been threatening all day.

With a disdainful sniff, Belle grabbed her sweater and left.

Red didn’t give him a chance to say a thing. “I’m not wrong.”

“You don’t have to leave.”

“I can’t be a substitute for your family.” Her eyes had developed blinkers so he couldn’t gauge her feeling.

“You aren’t a substitute. Stop saying it. You are safe here. Don’t you like it?”

Something flickered through her eyes but disappeared before he could do more than guess she liked it but would never admit so. He changed tactics. “Belle is happy and safe,” he said.

“There’s a school where we’re going. She can have proper instruction.” She grabbed a newspaper from the table. “Here. Read it. I’ve already written and received a warm invitation.”

He barely glanced over the news article. “You don’t have to go. I don’t want you to.”

She rocked her head back and forth.

He took it for an internal struggle. Suddenly he understood what bothered her. She figured sooner or later someone would point out her background and the gossip would force her to leave. Probably thought it better to go now than later when Belle—and perhaps Red—got too fond of the people and the place.

All he had to do was make it permanent. “Red, marry me. I will take care of you.” That didn’t seem to convince her. “Just think how good it would be for Belle. For both of you.”

* * *

It took Red two full minutes to catch her breath and answer. “Marry you? That’s insane.” She must have misunderstood him. “You can’t mean it.”

“It’s the perfect solution.”

People didn’t marry because it provided a solution to where they would live. Or perhaps they did. But he didn’t love her. Not that she expected him to.

“I—” She meant to say she couldn’t, but failed to force the words to her mouth. Yet she could not deny the appeal of his offer. Would marriage give her what she longed for? Would she be allowed to forget her past? Or would it haunt her? Most important, would others let it go?

“Think about it.”

He had no reason to sound disappointed, as if she should jump at the offer.

“Tomorrow is Sunday,” he said. “Is that long enough to consider my offer?”

She laughed—a sound as much mockery as amusement, though she couldn’t deny a jolt of pleasure at his eagerness. “Give me until Monday.” Why was she even letting him think she’d consider it?

“Agreed.”

They nodded. She wondered if he would offer to shake hands on the agreement or— She couldn’t resist a glancing look at his mouth.

He chuckled as he pulled her into his arms. “Red, do you have any notion of how transparent you are at times? I only wish you would be so all the time.” He stroked her head, smoothing her tangled curls. “You have the prettiest hair.”

She jolted back. “It’s not pretty.”

Looking deep into her eyes, he spoke volumes without uttering a word. She let herself drink copiously of his assurance that he liked her hair, maybe even liked her a tiny bit.

Liking, caring...were they enough reason to marry?

He dipped his head and caught her mouth with his own—a gentle kiss.

Belle banged on the window. “Does that mean we’re going to stay?”

Red sprang away from Ward.

He roared with laughter as he went to the door and threw it back. “You might as well come inside.”

Belle shut the door behind her. “Well, does it?”

Ward repeated his offer of marriage.

Red sent him a cross look. “You said you’d give me until Monday.”

“You better make the right choice.” Belle’s warning look reminded Red of their mama. It stole away her breath.

Ward noticed her quick intake of air. His eyes narrowed with concern.

She turned away. Thinking of Mama and Papa only confused her more. What would they advise? She dare not think of the looks they would give her because of the way she had lived not so many weeks ago.

Ward plunked down on the log stool he had claimed for his own. “Who wants to hear about the cattle drive?”

“Me. Me.” Belle climbed to her chair and planted her elbows on the table, her expression adoring.

“I’ll make tea.” Red couldn’t stand to watch them. Belle would be happy to become a permanent part of this place and have Red marry Ward. Was it reason enough to risk marriage?

She wished she could say it was. In the depths of her being she wanted to marry Ward and spend the rest of her life with him, but how could she? She was dirty, soiled, spoiled. He would soon come to despise her. Even as she despised herself.

If only there was some way to erase the time she’d belonged to Thorton, go back to the innocence of her early years.

However her past could not be washed away, forgotten or ignored.

Ward recounted many amusing tales of his adventures, but Red barely heard as her inner war continued. He drank tea and ate cookies, all the while talking to Belle, yet his gaze followed Red as if waiting for some sign of what she felt. But how could she reveal anything when she didn’t even know what to think?

* * *

By the time Ward returned the next morning to escort them to church service, Red had convinced herself of one thing—her brain had ceased working. She had no idea what she wanted or what was best or what she should do.

It would require little effort for her to beg off attending church service, but Ward would no doubt badger her for an explanation, so she allowed him to tuck her hand over his arm and didn’t make a fuss when he pressed it close. His warm presence partially calmed her inner turmoil, though she would never confess it to herself or anyone else.

She knew what to expect at the service and prepared to close her mind to whatever Bertie had to say. Except today her brain had not only stopped functioning, it had holes in it that allowed Bertie’s words to sneak in. Within seconds she was caught up in his tale of a wild youth.

“I’d been raised in a godly home. My father was a preacher of sorts. Yet I turned my back on it and did all manner of despicable things. I hated what I had become, feared what the future held. Likely prison or worse if I didn’t stop. But I thought God would never forgive me for the horrible things I’d done. Nothing anyone said or did convinced me otherwise. Until the day I fell on my face in self-loathing.”

Red sat straight and unmoving, her fingers twisted together in a white knot. She knew exactly how he felt.

“It was there in the dirt that I found what I needed. Forgiveness.”

She sat back. That was too simple an answer.

Bertie wasn’t done. “I deserved punishment and somehow I suppose I thought if I received it in my flesh it would erase what I’d done. But God reminded me of a verse my father had us children memorize at an early age. John 1:9, ‘If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.’ I’d never before noticed that tiny little word
all.
That’s when I realized the cleansing was all from Him. There was nothing I could do to add to God’s generous forgiveness. I rose from the dirt and went forward a new man.”

Red found it difficult to swallow. He made it sound so easy to start over. But how could one forget the sin of their past? Even if it were possible, would others let her forget?

She pushed her questions into a dark corner of her heart and turned her attention to the snacks Cookie handed out. Somehow she made it through the afternoon, answering Linette’s questions, saying the right things at the right time. Or so she thought until she noticed Linette’s curious study and forced herself to participate more. But she was grateful beyond measure when Eddie ended the afternoon early.

“I hope you all don’t mind if I take Linette and Grady away. We have a lot of catching up to do.”

Linette sent Red an apologetic look. “We’ll get together another time.”

Red nodded, relieved she wouldn’t have to spend any more time under Linette’s watchfulness.

Ward rose, too. “I want to get these ladies home before the rain begins in earnest.” He walked them back to the cabin.

“Thank you,” Red said at the door, hoping he would take the hint and leave her alone so she could sort out her thoughts. Instead, he opened the door wider and urged her inside, then followed. Belle moved away to play and Ward pulled two chairs close to the warm stove.

“Red, I couldn’t help notice Bertie’s sermon upset you. Want to talk about it?”

“You’re mistaken.” But her voice caught, betraying her lie.

He covered her hand with his.

She jerked away.

Ward studied her silently but she kept her attention on the front of the stove.

He sighed and shifted his attention away, allowing her to draw in a strengthening breath.