Lila and Ethan: Forever and Always: A Short Story (2 page)

I nearly lose it right there. She’s too beautiful for her own good and it makes lasting long nearly impossible. “Fuck, Lila, you’re going to make this end quickly if you keep saying stuff like that,” I say, pulling away to remove her jacket. She eagerly helps me, slipping her arms out of the sleeves. Then I tug her shirt off and unhook her bra, laughing when she gets the strap tangled up and stuck on her arm. Finally after a lot of laughing, I get it off and toss it aside, then lower my lips back to hers and slip my tongue deep inside her mouth, which tastes like marshmallow.

“Ethan…” She groans, lacing her fingers through my hair as she curves her back, pressing her chest against mine.

I grip her hip with one hand, pulling her closer to me until there’s no room left between us. Then my fingers slide up her side as I devour the taste of her. When I reach her breast, I graze my finger across her nipple and she gasps in response, her legs fastening around me. Our tongues tangle and our breaths mix as she grinds her hips against mine and rubs up against me. I move with her, listening to her moan and gasp and plead until I can’t take it anymore. I lean back and yank my shirt off, throwing it to the side of the tent. Then I undo the button on her jeans and she impatiently helps me as I slip them down her legs. When I get to her ankles, she kicks off the jeans and strips off her panties. Then she reaches to pull me to her, but I shake my head and hold on to her ankle.

“What’s wrong?” she says, practically panting.

I don’t respond as I kiss a path up the inside of her leg all the way to her thigh, breathing her in with each touch of my mouth. I pause at the top, looking down at her as she stares up at me, her eyes wide and full of want. It’s dark, but the glow of the moon and the fire outside glimmers in through the screen and open door on the tent. She’s beautiful, flawless skin, full lips, wide, glittering eyes, and her breathing is ravenous, revealing how nervous she is and how much she trusts me to be with her like this, touching her in a way no one else has, because I love her.

I trace my fingers across her collarbone and she sighs, her eyelids fluttering shut. “I want you inside me,” she whispers, her back arching against my touch. “Please, Ethan… I can’t take it anymore.”

I smile as I slowly lower my mouth to her breast. “I want to touch you everywhere… God, I want you…,” I breathe against her skin, savoring the moment before taking her nipple into my mouth. She moans, her breath hitching, and her fingers find my hair again as I suck a little bit harder.

Both of us are sweaty and gasping and finally my mouth leaves her nipple just so I can breathe. I want more, though. Need fucking more. So I make a path of kisses down her stomach, sucking on her skin. When I reach her thighs, I spread them and she grasps on to me as I dip my face between her legs and slide my tongue deep inside her. My eyes slip shut… my fingers tightening around her thighs… God, the taste of her never gets old—never will. None of this will.

I continue to taste her while her hips writhe against my mouth, until I feel like I’m going to explode; then I pull away and kiss my way up her stomach and chest to her mouth. Her lips part as I slide my tongue in for a kiss that makes both of us groan. I work to get the button of my jeans undone as she grips my arms, holding me to her, kissing me fervently. I only pull away to take my jeans and boxers off. Then I get a condom out of my wallet, put it on, and situate back between her legs.

With one hard thrust, I’m sliding deep inside her. Our lips connect somewhere in the middle and I grip her thigh, bending one of her legs up to my side as I rock into her. She rhythmically moves with me, our skin dampening with sweat, until we become lost in each other over and over again. Eventually we cry out together as I give one final thrust inside her, then we lose ourselves completely.

Afterward, I lie still inside her with my head on her chest, feeling her pulse race as she rests against the sleeping bags, running her fingers through my hair. “You have the softest hair,” she whispers with an exhausted sigh.

I push up from her and look her in the eyes. “Is that supposed to be a compliment? Because I’m not sure if a guy’s hair should be soft,” I tease.

She continues to rub her fingers through my hair. “Yeah, it should be. And yours is the softest.”

I chuckle under my breath and then return my head back onto her chest. It gets really quiet as she continues to run her fingers through my hair. I listen to the fire crackling outside, the sound of an owl in the distance, and the river flowing through the trees.

“God, it sucks that we have to head home tomorrow,” I say, letting out a loud breath.

“I know you’re sad,” she says. “And I’m sort of sad that we won’t be spending as much time together, but at the same time I’m really, really excited about taking a real shower.”

I smile, shaking my head. “Not me. If I could, I’d keep doing this forever.” I yawn, feeling exhaustion take me over. “Although, I’ll admit. I do sort of get sick of driving. I’d love to take a break from that.”

“You will,” she says. “As soon as we get home, we can go on a driving strike.”

“Yeah, that sounds nice, but it’ll have to be after I go back home for my mom’s birthday in August.”

Her hand stops moving through my hair. “You’re going back to Star Grove in August?”

I glance up at her. “Yeah… didn’t I tell you?”

I can’t read her expression, but she seems tense. “No, you never mentioned it.”

Shit. I think I might’ve messed up on that one. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I thought I told you about it a while ago.”

She shakes her head, not looking at me but up at the tent roof. “Well, you didn’t.” She pauses, and I can feel that she’s struggling to breathe. “So you’re going in August?”

“Yeah…” I’m not sure what to do to make her feel better. I didn’t mean to not tell her. Sometimes I just sort of fuck up, forgetting that I can’t just do things based upon what I want—that I’m in a relationship now. “I’m only going to be gone for a few days. I promise.”

“Okay.” It’s all she says, which makes the situation way worse, because she’s obviously bothered by this. But I wonder if it’s just because I didn’t tell her about it or because I’m going alone. Or maybe it’s something else entirely—she’s been upset a lot lately. “Lila, I can tell something’s bugging you, so will you please just talk to me?” I skim my finger across her cheekbone, causing her to shudder. “You seem upset and if you’d just tell me why, maybe I could help.”

“I’m fine… I promise.” She closes her eyes and inhales deeply and I think she’s on the verge of crying.

“I wish you’d just talk to me more about stuff,” I say quietly, not just hoping she’ll tell me what’s bothering her now but hoping she’ll finally break and spill what’s been putting her in a downer mood for the last couple of weeks as well. “You usually do.”

But she stays silent and I let her play with my hair for a few more moments before I carefully slip out of her and roll onto my back. She follows me, hitching her leg over my stomach; then she traces a circular pattern across my sweaty chest.

“I’m sorry I’ve been so cranky,” she whispers in a choked voice. “My head’s just been in a really weird place. And I don’t care if you go see your mom on her birthday—you should.”

“It’s okay to be cranky sometimes,” I reply, wrapping my arm around her and pulling her closer to me. “But you should really just talk to me and let me help make you feel better. No matter what’s bugging you, I’m here for you.”

She shakes her head and nuzzles her face against my chest. “I don’t want to talk about it tonight, but maybe tomorrow.” She sounds so sad and it hurts, not knowing what’s causing it. If it’s something because of me.

Whatever’s bothering her—and has been bothering her—she doesn’t want to tell me, and even though Lila has opened up to me about a lot of things, I still know from past experience that she can keep a secret like no one else. All those years of popping pills and no one ever knew.

Minutes later she falls asleep in my arms and I stroke my finger up and down her back, listening to the quiet around us that only being in the mountains can bring, attempting to sort through my thoughts.

She’s been really up and down since Chicago, ever since we went to visit Ella and Micha a couple of weeks ago. I’m not exactly sure why, but I think it might have to do with the fact that she wants to get married, something that was brought up during Ella and Micha’s wedding last Christmas. Yeah, I knew Lila had certain things she wanted out of life, but I hadn’t really thought she’d need to say “I do” one day, until she started rambling about it while she was helping Ella plan things for the wedding. For a week straight, it’s all I heard about—that and babies, since Ella’s sister-in-law was pregnant. I tried to shrug and nod whenever she brought it up, and it seemed to be working for me, until she flat out asked me for a response.

“Where do you see us in five years?” she’d asked while we were tying bows at Micha’s mom’s kitchen table.

I’d glanced up from the bow I was tying, a little startled by her question. “Huh?”

Lila peered up at me with her beautiful blue eyes. “You and I as a couple. Do you think we’ll still be together in five years?”

“I’m not sure…” I’d squirmed uncomfortably in the chair. “I mean, we’ve only been dating for like a month.”

“Dating, yeah,” she said. “But we’ve been friends for longer and Ella and Micha were friends first, which makes the fact that they’re getting married so young understandable, at least from my point of view.”

I finished tying the bow before I spoke again, deciding just to be honest with her. “Honestly, Lila, I don’t think I can ever see myself getting married… if that’s what you’re getting at.” I wasn’t sure it was. She was utterly confusing me.

She shrugged, reaching for a roll of ribbon. “I wasn’t getting at anything. Just wondering, since you seem so against marriage.” She swallowed hard, looking upset. “Glad to know where you stand.”

I sighed as she pushed her chair away from the table and got to her feet. “Lila, I—”

She’d held up her hand, silencing me. “I wasn’t expecting a proposal anytime in the near future, but the fact that you can never see yourself getting married sucks.” Then she’d left the room and I felt like the biggest asshole.

Still do.

But I can’t help how I feel. Or how I think I feel. I’m honestly unsure of what I want or how I can figure it out, since I hate figuring heavy stuff out. I don’t like complications and weddings and marriage, and forevers are more than complicated, at least from what I’ve seen. My parents’ marriage was full of fighting and abuse and that’s the last thing I want. Plus, making things really complicated means there’s a chance they could fall apart and then I’d be left dealing with the outcome. I had a girlfriend, London, who I thought I loved—although now that I’m in love with Lila, I’m not so sure I was really in love with London—and then she fell out a window and got amnesia and everything I had with her was lost. It was really hard to get over. If something like that happened with Lila and me… if I lost her in any way… I’m not sure I could ever get over it.

There are so many reasons why marriage and a future scare the shit out of me and I don’t think can’t picture myself doing it. I really can’t.

Lila eventually let the marriage thing go, obviously, since she’s here with me seven months later, but I can tell whenever the future comes up that she’s waiting for me to tell her what I want, but I still don’t have an answer to give her. I want her. That much I know. She’s amazing and smart and brave. She’s more beautiful than she realizes and even though I hate to admit it, I love giving in to her and letting her have her way… most of the time anyway.

But I’ve planned on living my life carefree and doing whatever I want, whenever I feel like it, like I am now without worrying about other stuff. And if five years down the road, I want to get up one day and take off in my truck and just drive off into the unknown by myself, I still want to be able to do it without hurting anyone or worrying about what will happen to those around me—worrying about life. That I might be breaking someone. Or that I won’t be able to because of my own feelings and attachments to certain things. But if I’m married, then that means I’ll have a wife to think about, a steady job, a house, and one day maybe even kids. God… I’m not sure how I feel about that.

The only thing I am sure about is that I never, ever want to lose Lila. She’s the only girl who’s ever made me feel like a relationship is worth the risk. And she’s not even just my girlfriend. She’s my best friend. The only person I’ve ever felt comfortable enough with to talk openly to. I tell her as much personal stuff as I tell my journal. But if we don’t want the same things, I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to hold on to her.

It’s our last day here—on the road together—and I’m both sad for it to end and kind of glad to be going back so I can take a real shower and eat food that doesn’t come in a can. I’m trying to keep as upbeat as I can even after my little meltdown last night. I didn’t really mean to almost cry last night in the tent, but then he started talking about how he was going up to Star Grove for his mom’s birthday. He never told me he was, which stung a little. But the worst part is that he didn’t even invite me to go with him. I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose. I just think that he’s not really thinking about the future as an
us
yet. It painfully reminded me even more that I have no idea where we’re going to end up—if I’ll ever visit his parents’ with him. And what added more heartache to the situation was having him near me, touching me like he does. It sets off how much I want things to always be this way.

Forever and always. Just him and I.

I just wish he felt the same way, but I’m starting to wonder more and more if he doesn’t.

Still, I pull myself together and manage to make it through breakfast smiling. The only time I let my mood drop is when it’s time to get cleaned up, but that’s for an entirely different reason. No matter what section of the country we’re in, all places share one thing in common. The streams and ponds are freezing. Taking a bath outside and actually staying in long enough to get clean is a challenge. It takes a lot of mental preparation. As I strip off my clothing and stare at the translucent water rolling over the rocks in front of me, I shiver, even though the sun is beating down my bare body.