Josiah couldn't stand that look in her eyes, as if everything in the world were bleak and dark and cold. In two long strides, he was beside her with his arms around her. “Rose, you have nothing to be ashamed of. The thought of someone hurting you makes me sick. Funny, isn't it, how the elders asked me to testify on behalf of Levi Junior, but they wanted you to stay quiet on behalf of the man who hurt you.”
“You testified to help Levi Junior. My testimony only hurt La Wayne Zook.”
He raised his eyebrows in a question. “I'm not so sure. If someone hurt Alvin and Aaron, I would have called the police too.”
A soft moan escaped her lips. “You would?”
“Even though it's not our way. Even though
Gotte
is the final judge. Maybe it is weakness in both of us, but I can't blame you for it.”
She sighed as if she had been holding her breath for a long time. “
Denki
,” she said, “for not being disappointed.”
“I could never be disappointed in you.”
Her lips twitched upward. “Never is a very long time.”
He glanced at the black letters on the barn. “We need to find La Wayne Zook and have a talk with him.”
Rose seemed to wilt in a matter of seconds. “He's dead.”
“When did he die?”
Rose drew her brows together. “He died just about the time mischief started happening on our farm.”
Dread filled Josiah's chest like an overflowing bathtub. He had a very strong feeling that whoever was making mischief blamed Rose for La Wayne's death. But he could never tell Rose that. She'd wither under the weight of it all. He clenched his jaw to keep a growl from escaping. Never was a long time. He had to tell her. “I think they want revenge.”
She closed her eyes as if the truth were too painful to look at. “Of course they do. Someone is mad about La Wayne Zook, and I am responsible.” Her voice and her fragile composure cracked like ice on a lake. “
Ach
, I wish I hadn't testified. I've hurt so many people.”
She backed away when he tried to gather her in his arms, so he kept his distance and watched in wretched silence while she cried herself out. After a few minutes, she let him put his arm around her shoulders and lead her into the house.
He'd never felt so determined or so powerless.
He would find the person who hated Rose and somehow make him stop terrorizing the Honeybee sisters. In the meantime, he would protect Rose and this farm as best he could.
But he felt powerless to give Rose new eyes, to help her see what she would not see. To show her the way to let go of years of buried guilt for things she had not done. Only
Gotte
could do that.
Would
Gotte
show him the way?
Chapter Thirteen
Rose's eyes stung like they always did after she cried. She pressed the cool towel against her face and breathed in its fresh scent. Lavender. Aunt Bitsy used lavender laundry soap because the scent was supposed to be calming. It was said to help you sleep if you sprinkled it on your sheets.
Rose stared at the bare wall in the washroom. She didn't know if she would ever be able to sleep again. Someone wanted to do her harm, and she couldn't say with certainty that she didn't deserve it. She clamped her teeth together and shoved the towel over her mouth. She would not cry again tonight. Crying in bed left her pillow wet, and it was hard to go to sleep with a stuffy nose. She'd cried enough. She wasn't a child anymore.
At least Josiah didn't think so.
She felt as if a warm blanket had been thrown over her shoulders. Josiah really did care about what she wanted. He hadn't just been pretending. With an almost-smile on her lips, she wiped her hands and set the towel near the sink.
He meant what he said. She was his friend, not his project.
Her heart fluttered like a garden of butterflies when she thought of his strong arms around her. It was there, even under the shadow of that horrible message, that she had felt safe. Josiah made her forget about guilt and shame and broken arms and dead parents. He didn't like it when she cried, and he was happy when she laughed, but he didn't try to talk her out of her feelings.
He made her feel as if life were worth living.
Her smile grew wider. She liked himâfor his kindness and forgiving heart, his eagerness and thoughtful reflection. He occupied her thoughts often enough, but lately he was in her head all the time. At the funeral of Great-Uncle Titus, whom she had barely known, her mind had been in Bienenstock in a little white farmhouse where Josiah might have been scrambling eggs or petting his dog. She pictured him with his nephews and niece, playing grizzly bear or reading them a book. It made her smile when she thought of him lying on his back under the sink with water pouring from above him, or Aunt Bitsy's incredulous expression when he used duct tape to repair the propane lantern in the kitchen.
Rose giggled. Josiah was so earnest, not even Aunt Bitsy had the heart to put him down, even when his attempts to fix things were woefully inadequate. He desperately wanted to do the right thing, no matter what he tried. She loved him for that.
Or . . . what . . . she loved him for that?
Her heart flipped over and over itself, like a ball bouncing wildly down the stairs. Did she love Josiah Yoder? Her head spun even as her heart did flips. There was too much confusion. She had no answer.
Rose climbed the stairs and went into the room she shared with her sisters. Lily and Poppy were already in bed, but neither of them was asleep. The small lantern on the bedside table hissed quietly. Rose had always been comforted by that sound. It meant there was light in the house, and she need not be afraid.
She removed her
kapp
and untwisted her braid from its bun. It was going to be a very long night. Sleep would be impossible. Maybe she should ask her sisters if they could sleep with the lantern burning all night. Of course they would agree, but it was a shameful waste of kerosene.
“
Cum
and sit,” Lily said, propping herself on her elbow and patting a space on her bed for Rose. “It wonders me if you are feeling better.”
Rose took a deep, cleansing breath and thought of Josiah. “They probably won't come back tonight.”
Lily grabbed onto Rose's hand. “Of course they won't come back tonight. Josiah, Dan, and Luke will paint the barn tomorrow, and it will be
gute
as new.”
“If only it was that easy to fix everything else,” Rose said. “I have put all of you in danger. I don't know how to make it better.”
Poppy growled. “Whoever is causing the trouble is responsible for their own actions. No matter how angry they are, they have no cause to scare us.”
Rose drew her brows together. “But I would feel responsible if anything happened to either of you.”
“This isn't your fault, Rose,” Poppy said. “And we will be all right.”
“You broke your hand for me,” Rose said. “You were not all right.”
Poppy looked down at her cast and turned her arm over. “That was Griff's doing, and even he's coming around. Someone we once feared actually sat at our table and apologized.”
Lily shook her head. “It's unbelievable, really.”
“A miracle from
Gotte
.” Poppy reached over and squeezed Rose's braid. “I think we can expect more miracles yet. We just have to wait for them.
Gotte
will provide.”
“What do we do until then?” Rose said.
Lily gave Rose a reassuring smile. “If we stick close together, we'll be okay.”
If only Rose could be so sure. “You two will be gone by the end of September.” She did her best to let them see she wasn't trembling. “Aunt Bitsy and I will be all alone. That's when they will come for me.”
Lily sat up and threw her arms around Rose. Poppy moved to Lily's bed and also wrapped her arms around Rose. She felt like a sandwich. “
Nae, nae,
Rose,” Lily said. “You must never even imagine such things.”
“How will I be able to sleep in this big room all by myself? Even now, the small sounds in the middle of the night keep me awake. I don't know what I'll do.”
Poppy squared her shoulders. “Then we don't get married.”
“What?” Rose and Lily said at the same time.
“Not until we catch the troublemaker,” Poppy said. “We postpone the weddings until we have found him.” She pushed some errant strands of hair from Rose's face. “There's nothing more important to us than you, Rose.”
Lily's eyes filled with pain, but she nodded and linked her elbow with Rose's. “She's right, Rose. We will stay with you.”
Rose recoiled in alarm. “
Nae.
I won't let you sacrifice your wedding day for me.”
“It would only be putting it off until you feel safe,” Poppy said.
Rose frowned and shook her head. “
Nae
. I won't let you do it. Dan and Luke would hate me.”
“They'd understand,” Poppy said, as if she were trying to convince herself. “And even if they didn't, they'd have nothing to say about it. We're sisters first.”
“Nae,”
Rose said, more adamantly this time. “I will not have you sacrifice your happiness for me.”
“We love you. We'll do anything to make you happy.”
The thought of what her sisters were willing to give up pressed against her until she couldn't breathe. To her horror, she realized that everything her sisters did was to accommodate her. Their whole lives had been centered around making her happy, and she had been very willing to let them take care of her. She was so weak that they felt compelled to sacrifice everything, even Luke and Dan, for her. At heart, she was still that spoiled little five-year-old who fussed and carried on until her parents gave her what she wanted just to shut her up.
She stood so fast that she practically yanked Lily's arm out of the socket. “I don't want either of you to do anything for me. I won't have your ruined lives on my conscience too.”
Poppy grabbed her hand and tried to pull her back to the bed. “That's not how we feel, Rose. We love you.”
“Love should never demand such a sacrifice,” she said. “I won't let you.”
Lily stood up and tried to pull Rose into an embrace.
Rose resisted with everything she had in her. “I need to be alone. Please let me alone.” She marched out of the room and down the stairs to the kitchen. Farrah Fawcett was curled up on the window seat. Leonard Nimoy was curled up near Farrah Fawcett's tail. She had obviously been prohibited from touching any part of her, but Leonard Nimoy always seemed to want to be close to Farrah Fawcett, just the same. Leonard was a persistent kitty. It wouldn't surprise Rose if they were best of friends in the end.
Leonard Nimoy lifted her head when Rose walked into the darkened kitchen. Trying not to disturb Farrah Fawcett, Rose scooped Leonard Nimoy onto her lap and buried her fingers in the kitten's soft orange fur. Leonard Nimoy rested her head in her paws and went back to sleep.
The cats wouldn't care if she cried her eyes out. It seemed crying was the only thing she did with regularity anymore.
With no one to see, Rose indulged in the tears. She thought about her parents and how ungrateful she was to miss them. Aunt Bitsy couldn't have been a more loving substitute.
Gotte
had been
gute
to her, even if she hadn't deserved it.
A thread of light descended the stairs. Rose cradled Leonard Nimoy in her hands and tucked her knees up to her chin to make herself smaller, but it wasn't as if Aunt Bitsy wouldn't see her.
Aunt Bitsy held her lantern aloft and gazed into the kitchen. “Rose Christner, you gave me the fright of my life.”
“I'm sorry, Aunt Bitsy. I couldn't sleep.”
“It's only nine o'clock. I can't imagine you've tried very hard yet.”
“It wouldn't matter,” Rose said.
Aunt Bitsy set the lantern on the counter. The light illuminated her light red hair. She hadn't been able to quite get all the red out this morning. “I would think, with Josiah looking out, you'd be sleeping like a baby.”
“What do you mean âwith Josiah looking out'?”
In her green, fuzzy slippers with googly eyeballs on the toes, Aunt Bitsy shuffled to the window, reached over Rose, and nudged the curtain aside. “See for yourself,” she said.
Rose set Leonard Nimoy on the window seat and stood up to look out the window. It was dark, but she could make out a figure in a straw hat sitting on the porch with his elbows propped on his knees gazing into the darkness.
Aunt Bitsy's lips drooped into a thoughtful frown. “He refused to leave. He's going to spend the night on the porch.”
“He can't do that. He's got a farm and pumpkins.”
“He says he can sleep fine, but he's only saying that to humor me.”
“He . . . he can't,” Rose said, the words squeezing from her throat as if she were choking. “What if someone knocks him out or slits his throat?”
“Nothing so dire is going to happen, baby sister. Josiah wants to be here. I've given him a pillow, a blanket, and some duct tape, with my permission to fix whatever he wants.”
Frustration and anger and helplessness tightened around Rose's chest. She was truly going to suffocate. “He . . . can't, Aunt Bitsy. He just can't.”
She slapped the leftover tears from her face. Josiah would not see her cry. He would not be witness to her weakness one more time today. With no prayer covering or shoes and stockings, she tore herself from Aunt Bitsy's side, grabbed the lantern, and threw open the front door.
Startled, Josiah jumped to his feet and turned to look at her. His gaze settled briefly on her unkempt braid before he looked into her eyes. “Rose? Is everything okay?”
With great effort, she held back the tears and slammed the door behind her, not caring if Lily or Poppy heard it upstairs. They already knew how upset she was. “You can't do this, Josiah. I won't let you.”
“Did something frighten you?”
Oh sis yuscht!
She was no match for the compassion in his eyes. How would he believe anything she said if she made a fool of herself by crying? She clamped her eyes shut so she wouldn't have to look at him, almost like a childish game of hide-and-seekâ
if I can't see you, you can't see me
. “This isn't right, Josiah. You have a farm to look after. You need your sleep.”
She opened her eyes when he curled his fingers around her arms in that gentle touch that she had come to like too much. Why had she let him get so close to herâlet him think it was okay to touch her and comfort her and save her from frightening shadows in the night? Why did those blue eyes make her want to give in to his kindness?
“I'll sleep better here knowing you're safe than at home worrying myself sick.”
She pulled away from him. An ache of longing passed across his features and stabbed her right in the heart. “You wouldn't have to be here if I could take care of myself.”
“You take care of yourself just fine, but someone has threatened you. I want to protect you. I
need
to protect you.”
“Nae,”
she said. “Don't you see? People get hurt when they try to protect me. And then they get disappointed.”
“Not me. That will never be me.”
“Never is a very long time.” Since she was seven, she hadn't raised her voice in anger to another human being, but she was practically yelling at him now. “I don't want your help, Josiah. The shame is unbearable, and the fear is worse. You already know how weak I am, and when you help me, it just compounds my humiliation. But the fear is even bigger. I can't stand the thought of you getting hurt.”
His eyes practically glowed with emotion. “Rose, I'd face ten Perry Glicks plus a hundred Griff Simonses for you.”
She threw back her head and groaned. “But I don't want you to. I can't be responsible for you.”
“I never asked you to.”
“Of course you didn't, but you're too kindhearted not to want to help me.”
“I'm not doing this because I'm kindhearted. I'm doing this because I'm afraid for you.” He shook his head as if he hadn't wanted to admit that. “I feel powerless, and this is all I can think of to do. It's the only way I can have a little peace.”