Life's a Witch (18 page)

“Not if I bust them for trespassing and fail to mention the pot.” Landon wrapped his hand around mine. “You stay behind me.”

I considered arguing. After all, he wasn’t armed and I was the one with powers. Instead I let him lead. I didn’t sense danger. In fact, I realized what we were going to find about a split-second too late. Landon was already cresting the hill when he saw who was hanging out in the clearing.

“Oh, holy hell!”

I screwed my eyes shut. I knew what I’d see if I opened them. It wouldn’t be pretty.

“What are you two doing out here?” Mom asked, causing me to force my eyes open. Yup. I was right. They were getting drunk under the … huh, it wasn’t a full moon. Why were they getting drunk?

I strolled closer, warily scanning Mom, Marnie and Twila to make sure no one was naked. Marnie was down to a tank top and cotton shorts, but no one was flashing any bits they shouldn’t – at least not yet.

“We heard something in the woods and wanted to make sure it wasn’t someone trying to pilfer Aunt Tillie’s pot,” I answered, glancing over my shoulder to find Landon rooted to his spot. He knew what happened in our ceremonial clearing when alcohol was involved. “Come on, coward,” I prodded. “They’re not naked yet.”

“It won’t take long,” Marnie warned, chugging from a bottle of Aunt Tillie’s homemade wine.

“Where have you guys been all night?” Mom asked, lifting her own bottle to her lips. It must be serious if they were all drinking their own bottle. Aunt Tillie’s brew was strong enough to knock you on your ass when you shared it.

“We had dinner at the Dragonfly,” I replied.

“Oh, so your fathers are more important than us. Is that what you’re saying?” Twila was starting to slur. That was never a good sign.

“Actually, we took the opportunity to eat with them so we could hash things out about that truth spell,” I said. “The fact that it got us out of a meal with Rosemary and Aunt Willa was an added bonus.”

“You know what?” Marnie asked, wagging a finger for emphasis. I watched as it distracted her and she completely lost her train of thought. It was just as well.

“How was dinner?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“Aunt Willa is the Devil,” Mom said. “She’s not a devil. No! She’s the Devil. The big one. The red horns and fires of Hell one.”

“I could’ve told you that before she arrived,” I replied. “What happened to make you guys come out here and get drunk?”

“Nothing happened,” Mom replied. “Rosemary barely talked, and when she did she said something stupid. Aunt Willa wouldn’t stop talking, and everything that came out of her mouth was mean.”

“So you decided to handle it by getting drunk?”

“I wish I could deny that and come up with something better to say, but I’m too drunk,” Mom admitted. “Yes. We’re drinking away our pain. Are you satisfied? Where did my wine go?”

“It’s in your hand,” I replied, nonplussed.

Landon finally got up the courage to join me. “They’re dressed.”

“That won’t last forever,” I countered, “unless they get really blitzed and pass out before they get a chance to dance. You might luck out there.”

My mother and aunts were notorious for their full-moon rituals. Those usually involved Aunt Tillie’s special brew and dancing naked in the moonlight. Landon accidentally saw the ritual a time or two, and he was terrified of seeing it again. He still had nightmares.

“What are you guys doing out here again?” Mom asked.

I shook my head. She was beyond rational conversation. “We’re checking on you,” I replied. “We wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“We’re just great,” Twila enthused. “Feeling no pain!”

That wasn’t going to be the case in the morning.

“Do you want to join us?” Mom asked. “We have plenty to go around. Mystery loves company. Mystery … mystery … .”

“Misery?” I suggested, trying to help.

“I know exactly what I’m saying,” Mom snapped, wrinkling her nose. “What was I saying?”

“They are hammered,” Landon said.

“Do you want to have a drink with them?” I asked, sympathy for my mother and aunts rolling over me. “I don’t feel comfortable leaving them out here alone.”

Landon sighed. “I was hoping to see you naked,” he said. “I don’t want to see them naked.”

“You should be so lucky,” Marnie muttered. “I look good naked.”

“That’s the word on the street,” Landon deadpanned, resigned. “Okay. We’re going to join you. If anyone but Bay gets naked I’m out of here, though.”

He sat down on the blanket next to Twila, taking the bottle from her hand and gulping a huge mouthful. “This stuff is just as potent as I remember,” he rasped, handing me the bottle.

“You have a fresh mouth,” Mom said, trying to focus on Landon even though her eyes kept wandering. “Has anyone ever told you that?”

“You have … and Aunt Tillie has … and Bay has,” Landon said. He patted the open spot next to him. “Come on, Bay. This was your idea. If any of them get naked, you’re going to have to protect me.”

I took the spot – and the bottle of wine when he handed it over – and chugged a little bit before giving it back. “You know we’re going to regret this, right?”

Landon shrugged and took another swig. “We’ll live.”

“You might not say that in the morning.”

“That’s what aspirin is for.”

TWO HOURS
later Twila was passed out, Marnie was halfway there, and my mother was talking to a tree. I couldn’t hear what she said, but it seemed like a lovely conversation.

Speaking of conversations, Marnie had been holding one with Twila for the past half hour. Twila’s contribution to the discussion was snores, but Marnie didn’t seem to mind.

The good news was that everyone still had their clothes on. The bad news was Landon and I were now officially hammered, too. It was going to be a rough morning.

“What time is it?” Landon muttered, flopping back on the blanket and staring at the stars.

“It’s almost midnight.”

Landon groaned. “We need to go back to the guesthouse and drink a lot of water and take half a bottle of aspirin each.”

“I don’t have to get out of bed tomorrow if I don’t want to,” I countered. “I’m my own boss.”

“Well, I have to take that knife to Chief Terry first thing in the morning.”

“I’ll call and tell him you’re sick, and we’ll spend the day in bed instead,” I suggested.

“That’s only fun if you don’t feel like throwing up.”

“Good point,” I muttered, cracking my neck. “I’ll tell Mom we’re leaving.” I struggled to my feet.

“Oh, don’t interrupt her and the tree,” Landon said. “She probably won’t even remember we were here if we leave now.”

That was an interesting suggestion. Still, I’d feel guilty if I didn’t at least say goodnight. “Just give me a second. Mom! We’re leaving.”

“Don’t yell so loud,” Marnie said, covering her ears. “You’re giving me a headache.”

“That’s the quart of wine you drank,” Landon shot back.

“You’re loud, too,” Marnie said, flicking his nose. “You need to adopt an indoor voice when we’re … well, we’re outside, but you know what I mean.”

“How can you even hear me with Twila snoring so loudly?”

“Maybe Aunt Tillie’s zombies will hear her and come,” I suggested. “Mom! Did you hear me? We’re leaving.”

“I heard you,” Mom said. “I don’t really care. In fact … .” She reached for the hem of her shirt and whipped it off. Uh-oh!

“Oh, yay!” Marnie said, climbing to unsteady feet and reaching for the back clasp of her bra. “It’s time to dance. Where is the music?”

“That is definitely our cue to leave,” Landon said, hauling himself up and staggering next to me. “Move your cute little butt. We can’t see this. Seeing it again will kill me.”

“Do you think we should leave them?”

“They’re grown. They can handle themselves. All I want to do is handle you.”

I snorted. “All you’re going to handle is a bottle of water and your pillow.”

“Well, that will be fun, too,” Landon muttered. “Let’s get out of here. This is about to turn freaky, and I’ve had my fill of freaky for one day.”

“Okay.” I slipped my hand into his, both of us taking a moment to collect ourselves before starting the trek home. “I’ll see you in the morning, Mom.”

“Whatever,” Mom said, not bothering to look in our direction as she struggled with her bra.

“What the hell is going on here?” I froze at Aunt Willa’s voice, swiveling to find her and Rosemary staring at the scene playing out in the clearing. “Have you turned this place into a brothel?”

“They’re communing with nature,” I replied, listing slightly and falling into Landon’s chest. He wrapped an arm around my waist to keep me upright. “They’re not doing anything wrong.”

“They’re taking their clothes off,” Aunt Willa argued. “How can that be right?”

“I … .” I didn’t have an answer.

“Isn’t that illegal?” Aunt Willa pressed. “Shouldn’t you be arresting them?”

“Naked dancing under the moon isn’t a crime that the FBI is interested in,” Landon replied, utilizing his “official business” voice. “Besides, it’s not as if they’re exposing themselves to kids. Who cares?”

“I care.”

“That’s because you have a big stick up your butt,” Marnie said, crying out triumphantly when she finally managed to unclasp her bra. “I did it!”

“We have to go right now,” Landon said. “This is getting serious.”

“You can’t leave until you handle this,” Aunt Willa argued. “I won’t allow it.”

“Well … I guess it’s good that you’re not my boss then, isn’t it?” Landon asked. “Come on, Bay. I need water and aspirin. If we don’t leave now I’ll be rendered blind.”

“You can’t leave me with this mess,” Aunt Willa snapped. “It’s unseemly.”

“Then leave them be,” I suggested. “They’re not hurting anyone, and they’ll pass out in the next few minutes. Once they dance, they’ll be happy.”

“I am not putting up with this!”

I opened my mouth to answer, but didn’t get a chance, because Marnie’s bra smacked Aunt Willa in the face and caused me to lose my train of thought. Before I realized what had happened, I burst out laughing and started moving toward the guesthouse.

“Have a nice night, Aunt Willa.”

Landon stopped in front of her long enough to salute. “And have a happy new year, too.”

Eighteen

“I’m dying.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m already dead,” Landon murmured the next morning, rolling to his side and groaning. “The only reason you can see and hear me is because you’re gifted. That has to be it.”

I tried to laugh, but it hurt. “Why do we keep doing this to ourselves?”

“Because we’re gluttons for punishment,” Landon replied, reaching for the bottle of water he wisely stowed on the nightstand the previous evening. “It’s always fun and games when you’re doing the drinking. The morning after is a stark reminder that we’re getting old.” He gulped down half of the bottle and then handed it to me. “Well, at least you’re getting old. I’m still in my prime.”

I wordlessly took the bottle, debating whether smacking him would hurt him more than me. Finally I gave in and guzzled the water. It was too much effort to go after him. “We need more aspirin.”

“I’m on it.” Landon grabbed the bottle from the nightstand while retrieving a second bottle of water. He popped three tablets in his mouth and swallowed them before handing me a similar dosage. “Medicate up. We have to be down at the inn for breakfast in an hour, and it’s going to hurt a lot worse if you don’t head it off now.”

“I don’t have to do anything,” I replied. “I’m forgoing breakfast and staying in bed all day. You can find me here when you’re done working. If you’re lucky, I’ll have showered by the time you get back.”

Landon smirked. “I thought you were going to say that you would be naked if I was lucky.”

“I’m not sure you’re going to get that lucky today.”

“I guess it’s good that I feel lucky whenever I get to spend time with you,” Landon teased, snuggling close for a moment. “Even if you do smell like stale wine.”

“Ugh.”

We cuddled for a moment, content in the quiet, and then Landon slapped my rear end. “Get up,” he ordered, climbing out of bed. “If I have to put up with your family for breakfast, you have to go with me. Those are the rules.”

“Eat something here.”

“You have nothing,” Landon replied. “I hope you know that when we’re living together we’re going to have food in our own house.”

I froze, the implications of his words washing over me despite the heavy fog frying my brain. “What did you say?”

Landon must have realized what he said, because his face paled. “I … you know what? I’m not doing this. Yes, I have plans for us to live together one day. I’m sure that’s going to freak you out, but I’m not tiptoeing around because you work yourself into a tizzy whenever I mention the future.”

“I don’t work myself into a tizzy,” I protested, my heart flopping. Was that worry? Dread? No, that was excitement. Crap. I’m such a girl.

“You thought I forgot I told you that I loved you a few weeks ago and refused to bring it up because you were terrified I was going to take it back,” Landon countered. “I’m not taking it back. I don’t want to take it back. I’m not taking this back, either. Get your butt up and get in the shower. I’m hungry and you have to be there when they feed me.”

“Why do I have to be there?” He definitely was going to take it back if I kept sounding this whiny.

“Because your Aunt Willa is going to be on a rampage after last night, and if I’m the one dealing with her I’ll shoot her.”

“Holy crap!” I bolted upright, grabbing my head when the pain rushed to the forefront. “I forgot she was out there last night.”

I risked a glance at Landon and found him smirking. “Yes. I think my favorite part was when Marnie whipped her bra off and threw it in her face.”

“This is going to get ugly.”

“Oh, little witch, it was ugly last night,” Landon countered. “We were just too drunk to care. Now, come on! If you promise to keep your hands to yourself we can shower together. If you can’t control yourself, though, you’re going to take a cold shower alone. We don’t have time for mischief this morning.”