Life Is a Serious Business

© 2010 A
NNE
 B
UTLER

Illustrations by R
ORY
 B
YRNE

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form or by any means—graphic, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or information storage and retrieval systems—without the prior written permission of the author.

ISBN: 978-1-908024-11-4

A 
cip
 catalogue for this book is available from the National Library.

Published by O
RIGINAL
 W
RITING
 L
TD
., Dublin, 2010.

Printed by C
AHILL
 P
RINTERS
 L
IMITED
, Dublin.

Dedicated to Lily

I wish to thank Dermot, Mark and Sarah for their support and good cheer.

In addition Rory for the wonderful illustrations, Stuart for his assistance with editing and Garrett and Steven at Original Writing for their professionalism.

I never read the introduction. Do you?

I always think it has nothing to do with the contents.

But what are you doing home?

I thought you would be out with your friends.

You've been grounded. That seems a little unfair.

Maybe Mum and Dad misunderstood.

Gosh what a lovely room. I see you like Ronaldo.

What a co-incidence.

What music do you like? I love Meatloaf. He's so raw.

I'm still trying to develop a taste for Kesha,

But maybe you could enlighten me another day.

By the way I notice you are wearing odd socks.

Good for you,

I love an independent thinker.

Could you do one thing for me before we start?

Thank you, you are so kind.

Even if you don't like some of my offerings,

I would appreciate if you didn't refer to them as gross,

That is, unless in terms of the profit.

What? You are not too familiar with the term gross profit?

Gosh you really are an innocent.

What have they been teaching you in school?

Why don't you ask Mum and Dad.

They will be so delighted that you are taking an interest

In the business they will forget all about the little

misunderstanding.

Trust me Junior. What have you got to lose?

Oh, one more thing, take a look at the poem entitled

The Generation Gap,

I have hidden nine classical composers in the first verse.

You are clever, you should be able to unravel them.

There I have given one away already.

Have a go and I‘ll just pop down to the kitchen

to speak to Mum.

Don't worry I'll be back.

Oh there you are Mum. How did I know you would be

in the kitchen?

Listen, we have a little to do to get organized.

I need your undivided attention for a while.

Do trust me on this one.

The baby is just fed so he won't bother us.

The children are a little trickier.

We'll let them watch a DVD in the Sitting Room.

No, the Lion King is too tame.

Ben Hur is three hours long.

That should keep them occupied.

Remember the chariot scene? All that muscle.

Just this once let them have popcorn,

crisps and cans of coke in the Sitting Room.

What no cans in the Sitting Room?

No Mum, you cannot give the nine year old

the baby's training beaker.It's not cool.

I have a suggestion.

You know the milkshakes you buy and end up taking home

as they only take one sip?

Yes, those cups you wash out

and hope they will be useful some day?

Well perfect, so are we agreed?

Where's your partner?

He's in the garage. What's he doing there?

Creating. Oh that's fine. He'll be ages.

The cat? Sorry I don't have one I can't help you there.

The dog? He's new so I'm not so sure.

Let's just put him in the utility room.

Now Mum, I was going to suggest we stay in the kitchen

but it's a bit too familiar.

Let's go into the bathroom. What lovely foam bath!

I'll turn on the taps. Try the lavender pearls.

Why don't you get in and I'll run down to the kitchen

for a glass of wine. Oh go on.

Shall we? Why not? I'll be back in a minute.

Granny is that you?

I popped down to get Mum a glass of wine but listen

I need to speak to you.

Are you comfortable? Why don't I light the oil burner?

Will lavender be okay?

No, Granny not lemongrass, I don't want you too alert.

Nice nail polish.

What colour is it? It's Mum's but she doesn't use it.

Why ever not?

She cannot reach. She's eight months pregnant.

Why doesn't she ask the creator in the garage,

he might surprise her.

Granny will you excuse me please.

I have to go into the garage.

Hello there. What are you doing?

It really is lovely but it's not very comfortable in here is it?

Why don't we go up into the attic.

I need to be alone with you.

Now don't protest I know you told the planning authorities

it was converted storage space but this is me remember,

I'm not going to tell anyone, honestly.

Gosh these stairs are steep.

What a lovely futon. May I sit down?

It's really comfortable, please join me.

Why don't you take off your shoes.

Well, I never, You are wearing odd socks. I'm very impressed.

I like a man who knows his own mind.

Just look at the view and the stars.

Would you excuse me for a moment?

There is someone else I need to speak to.

There you are Granddad in the Dining Room.

What's that? Where's everyone?

Well, Junior is in his room studying classical composers,

the children are watching a classic Mum likes,

Mum is taking time out, Dad is viewing the universe from a

different angle and Granny, well you know Granny,

she's quite content.

What do you mean “What is the world coming to?”

Don't knock it, Granddad,

You are the one nearest the drinks cabinet.

Speaking of which, why don't we have a drink before we start?

Oh alright, Granddad, purely for medicinal purposes.

Junior, we all know you don't drink at home,

you can have a diet coke. Granny, you're fine aren't you?

Dad, if you think I am going to traipse all the way

up to the attic with a beer...

Would you mind Junior, you have youth on your side?

By the way would you knock on the bathroom door and

see if Mum would like another glass of wine.

Trust me Junior.

I know nobody smokes but just in case you feel like one later.

Would it be possible to do one more thing for me before we start?

At this rate it will be three o' clock before we start.

Who said that?

Well, thank you for reminding me to check the alarm.

Now where was I before I was interrupted?

Oh Yes, I may have waxed lyrical in some instances

but what I couldn't put into prose I put into poetry.......

I never do the Lotto and never gamble,

Because I know the odds are stacked.

One day, some years ago, visiting home,

Dad said,” I bought a ticket today,

For the local GAA.”

“How much?”

“One hundred pounds,” he replied.

“What! You cannot be serious!

Don't you know the odds are stacked?”

“Well you know the old adage,” he shrugged,

“If you're not in, you cannot win.”

Two weeks later, raffle results,

Guess who wins?

Were you ever lost for words?

Now I occasionally do the Lotto,

But never gamble,

Well, nearly never!

What is this fascination with football?

The six –year- old in our house loves Ronaldo,

The nine- year- old will entertain no other profession,

Than to make his mark and millions performing.

Not a bit like adults really.

On the other hand, what better way to do or say:

Than work together as a team,

To strive for the ultimate goal,

Through hard work and sweat and tears

And having fun along the way?

What more could I wish for?

And the millions might help.

Why do children never wear what we like?

“Why don't you wear that nice skirt

I bought you in Sweden”---

“No.”

“Wear one of those lovely dresses

you got for your birthday”---

“No.”

“Well, what will you wear?”

“I want to wear my school tracksuit.”

“But it is worn and it is the school holidays.”

“No, I want to wear my school tracksuit!”

Why, oh why will children never what We like?

Same day, by chance I see the shoes I've always wanted,

Expensive, but they say poverty is only in the mind.

Who are these
They
?

My bank manager might disagree, buy them anyway.

Returning home,” Do you like my new shoes?” I ask.

“No.”

“That's okay, because I like them.”

Next morning, unable to decide,

High shoe, left foot, new shoe, right foot,

“Which shoe should I wear?” I think aloud,

Not realising two pools of blue are watching.

A voice of innocence replies:

“Wear the ones I don't like, Mummy. “

They say I should stay at home with my children.

Who are these
They
?

I decided to confront this once and for all

and consult the nine- year- old.

He was having a shower at the time.

I knocked on the bathroom door and said,

“May I come in?”

“Certainly, Mum” came the reply,

I entered and said,

“If I ask you a question will you answer me honestly?”

“Of course, Mum” as his face appeared from

behind the shower curtain.

“Do you feel deprived because I am not at home?”

He said, most innocently,

“Gosh Mum, why ever would you think that?”

Then he disappeared just as quickly.

Did I detect a little chuckle or was it the creaking shower?

Why did I feel that was the wrong answer?

Maybe, these
They
that say we should,

know something I don't,

Or maybe it's time to replace the creaking shower,

I always knew it was suspect.

We had a new arrival in our household today,

Of the canine variety-four legs and a tail.

It was a democratic decision.

I was all of a tizzy.

Should I clean up the house?

Tidy the wardrobe or dust in the corners?

What would she think of us?

Would she approve?

When we went to collect her

She was very polite.

We received our instructions

And listened intently to every word.

We returned home all excited,

I think she really liked us and felt right at home.

The first thing she did

Was leave her card on my mat

I am a Beaver leader in the Catholic Boy Scouts of Ireland.

Surprised? Don't be,

They're not really fussy who they admit anymore.

How did it all begin?