Life in the No-Dating Zone (26 page)

He couldn’t have said anything worse. He’d taken the aching pressure on my chest and shoved it all the way through my body. My legs shook as I stood. “I am
not
like Mom,” I said through my teeth. “Don’t compare me with her. I wasn’t the one who drove away from here—”

“Calm down.” He stepped closer. “Look,” he said in a low voice, “I didn’t mean to start a fight. You can yell at me all you want, but
not
in front of your brothers. Understand?”

I didn’t want to answer, but if I didn’t, I’d never get out of this conversation. “Yes, sir. Can I go now?”

He glanced at my brothers. “Just one more thing. Your mother loves you. Back when things blew up, we both made mistakes. But it doesn’t seem like you’ve ever forgiven her. Don’t you think it’s time?”

I’d have done anything not to answer that question.
Vague. Be vague. Just like Dad when he doesn’t want to answer one of our questions.
“Probably. I’ll think about it.”

Travis and Marcus barreled into us.
Thank you, tiny siblings.

I pretended to laugh along with my dad, but I wanted to puke. I had to get away. “I’m going for a ride.”

“It’s almost dark.”

“I won’t be long.” I rushed to the garage and grabbed my bike and helmet. Maybe if I rode hard enough, I could completely forget the last twenty-four hours.

Forty-Six

Claire

The cartoon’s credits rolled on the TV screen. Jack shifted in my lap. I kissed him on the cheek and set him on the playroom floor. It was probably time to let him run around outside for a while. I turned off the TV, then checked the time on my phone. 10:30.

It had been twenty-four hours. Twenty-four aching hours since I’d broken up with Gray. And almost every time I shut my eyes I saw the confused, hurt look on his face. Was he still hurting? As bad as I was? The pain in my chest had become a low steady throb making everything around me feel unimportant. Useless.

I’d done the right thing, though. Hadn’t I?

Not according to Lindsey. If I listened to her, my vows were stupid. I was stupid. Everything I cared about was stupid.

It had been fifteen hours since our fight and I hadn’t heard anything from her or Rose. Which wasn’t unusual. Lindsey and I fought occasionally. But we always made up after a couple of days.

This time, though … I wasn’t sure about this time. She had a lot to forgive me for.

I looked at the phone again to see if any texts had come through.
Of course they haven’t. Your phone is on. It’s sitting right next to you.
10:33. I needed to stop looking at the time. It just made everything worse.

But I couldn’t make myself stop. My mom had left me in charge of Jack until his afternoon nap while she went to check out daycare places. After spending almost all yesterday in my room, I couldn’t exactly say no.

Jack started to drag picture books off the shelf.

“No, sweetie. Time to play outside.”

“Ousside?”

I crawled over to him. “Yup. But first I have to check your diaper.”

He squealed and tried to run away, but I snatched him up. He wiggled and giggled. I should never have made diaper changing into a game. Every time was like wrestling a pig.

I laid him down on the changing pad and got two quick kicks in the chest for my trouble. Normally that would’ve hurt. But now the hits didn’t even register. Bigger pain must absorb little pain. “That’s enough, buddy. Settle down.”

He grinned and covered his eyes with his pudgy hands.

I finished the diaper change and we headed outside. Just as I jammed his sunhat on his head, my phone dinged. I let him go and he toddled over to his soccer ball.

I let my hand drift to my pocket. Was it Gray? I wanted to check the phone. And I
didn’t
want to check the phone. Too many people were mad at me right now. I paced the length of the patio once, before ripping my phone out. Who was I kidding? I needed contact with the outside world. It was Rose.

Rose: You okay? Been worried about you.

I exhaled slowly. Rose was good. Rose I could handle.

Claire: Thanks. I feel like crap. How’s Lindsey? Should I call her yet?

Rose: She’s hurt and mad. I’d wait another day or so.

Claire: Ok. Sorry I screwed everything up so much.

Rose: It’ll be ok. Need me to come over?

Did I? I didn’t really feel like talking, but Rose was pretty good at not pushing stuff.

Claire: If you want. I’m watching Jack

Rose: Yay! I’ll get to squeeze him. :D

Claire: Come whenever.

Rose: Ok. See you in 15.

I hoped I hadn’t just made a mistake. Because I was pretty lousy company right now. Jack swung his leg at the soccer ball, missing it entirely. I shoved my phone into my pocket and headed over to play with him. As good a way to distract myself as any.

***

An hour later, I drank iced tea on the patio, watching Rose make goo-goo faces at Jack in her lap while he laughed. It had been genius for her to come over. Now I wouldn’t infect Jack with my mood. And that helped me feel a little lighter. Just a little.

Jack tossed back the last swallow of juice from his sippy cup, then banged it down on the wrought iron table. Rose laughed. “Are you done, young man?”

“Down, down,” Jack said, twisting around.

Rose helped him slide off her lap. He took off into the yard, stopping at his toy lawn mower, which he pushed across the grass. Fake engine noises buzzed from the mower. “Too bad that thing doesn’t really work,” she said.

“I know. Though the patterns in the grass would make for a weird-looking yard.”

Rose sipped her tea. “You want to tell me what happened with Gray?”

“Whoa, that came out of nowhere.”

“Not nowhere. Admit it. You’ve been waiting for me to ask ever since I got here.” She stood. “I’ll give you another couple of seconds. We forgot his hat.” She snatched up Jack’s hat, then jogged over and settled it on his curls.

Jack ignored her. I wished
I
could. But, at the same time, I wanted to tell her everything. Just thinking about it made my eyes burn. Rose strolled across the yard toward me. I wiped away tears. I didn’t want to cry anymore. In fact, I was surprised I had any tears left.

Rose sat. I expected her to prompt me again, but she didn’t say anything. Rose was good at being quiet. Annoying, but effective.

“I don’t know where to start,” I said.

She kept her gaze on Jack. “When did you realize you liked Gray?”

Forty-Seven

Claire

I traced a star pattern in the condensation on my cup.
Quit stalling, Claire. Just tell her.

“A week or so ago. We’d already started the plan to get him more comfortable around Lindsey. Which killed me, but there was nothing I could do about it. I was already committed. I kept telling myself it didn’t matter because of my no-dating vow, but the crush just got worse and worse.”

Jack abandoned the toy lawn mower. He toddled over to the towel I’d laid out with a few toys in a shady part of the yard.

“Tell me about Monday,” Rose said.

So I did. The story went faster than I thought it would. Why can things that feel like they’re ripping your life apart be talked about in under five minutes? It should’ve taken days to get through it all. The pain, the hurt, the humiliation. The laughter, the flirting, the kissing. And once again, the pain.

Rose frowned. “I had no idea you and Adam hated each other.”

Really?
That
was what she focused on after that whole story? I didn’t like Adam, but I didn’t think I hated him. He was more like an annoying fly or mosquito buzzing around where you didn’t want him. “I don’t really. I just want him gone.”

“Even if Lindsey doesn’t?”

My throat tried to close up. “I just want my friends back.”

Rose squeezed my arm. “We haven’t gone anywhere. We still love you. We just have to manage our time with boyfriends and our girls-only time better.”

“That’s the problem. I don’t think Lindsey cares about girls-only time anymore.”

“Yes, she does. She just hasn’t seen Adam in a week.” She paused for a long moment. “So how are you going to make up with her?”

Jack hung on to his toddler slide and yammered on in baby-speak. I stood, scraping the chair against the concrete. “I apologized last night.” I walked into the yard to help Jack. I knew I needed to do something special for Lindsey to forgive me. I just couldn’t think about it right then.

Rose followed me, but thankfully didn’t push the subject. She twisted her dark blond hair into a messy knot at the back of her head. “You know, Gray seems really romantic,” she said. “Who knew?”

A laugh squeaked out of my burning throat. Gray’s picnic in the park blasted its way into my thoughts. I shoved it away. “Yeah. Who knew?” I patted the top of the slide. “C’mon, buddy, climb up.” Jack started up the three steps to the top.

“You sure you don’t want to date him?” Rose asked.

“Of course I’m not sure!”

Jack pulled his little legs into a sitting position and lifted his arms. I took his hands and he slid down. “Yay!” he said, then went around to the back again.

“Yay,” I said, a little late, my thoughts still on Rose’s question.

Rose clapped for Jack. He grinned and started up the steps.

I lowered my voice. Not because anyone might hear, but because for some weird reason, it hurt to say it. “I
do
want to date him. I just … can’t.”

“Right.”

“What do you mean, ‘right’? You know I can’t.”

“It’s not that you can’t. It’s that you won’t. What if you changed your mind?”

“Just like that.”

“Yeah, just like that. Break your vow,” she said, an eager look on her face. “Gray’s so sweet. You should give him a chance. Besides, a vow based on something that’s not true any—”

“Rose, we’ve been over this and ov—”

“Yay!” Jack said.

“Yay,” I repeated, not really paying attention.

“I know we’ve talked about it,” Rose said, “but you made that vow when you were younger and too afraid to tell to your parents you were afraid they’d divorce. I think you’re old enough now to handle it.”

Oh, goody, another person who wanted me to talk to my parents. I shook my head. “Get real. Would
you
talk to your parents about their relationship?”

Jack tossed his hat onto the grass and Rose picked it up. “So you’re not gonna do it. You’re gonna chicken out.”

I knew she only said that to get a reaction from me, and I was way too tired of drama to get into a fight with Rose. So I kept it simple. “Maybe. Maybe not.”

“Geez, Claire. Not talking to them sounds like something
I
would do. You’ve never been afraid to tell people stuff.” She put the hat on Jack, but he ripped it off and slid down the slide.

“Yay!” Jack said.

“Yay!” Rose and I echoed.

Jack ran to the back of the slide and climbed the steps, his face glowing. It looked like somebody was shining a spotlight on him. He laughed. “Me, me!” he yelled, then went down the slide. With nobody helping him. He’d probably been doing it the whole time I was standing there talking to Rose and I just hadn’t realized it.

“Did you see that?” I asked.

“What?” Rose wheeled around, searching for what I meant.

I swooped Jack up and planted a kiss on his cheek. “Good job, buddy!”

He wriggled to get loose, so I set him down. He ran back to the slide.

“What is it?” Rose asked.

“He went down the slide all by himself!” I leaned close to her ear. “He’s not afraid anymore.”

“Cool.” We watched Jack slide, race around, and climb again, cheering him on. “That’s what you need to do,” Rose said.

I was completely lost. “Go down a slide?”

“Ha, ha. No. Tell yourself you’re not afraid anymore.”

I rubbed at the headache forming right between my eyebrows. “Can we just drop the subject, please?”

“No. You’re always telling people to be direct, to talk to people they have problems with or whatever. It’s time for you to practice what you preach.”

I didn’t want to go there. “Maybe it’s time to preach something new—like the benefits of avoidance.”

“Deep down, you know I’m right.”

Maybe, but I had no plans to think about anything that was deep down. That’s where the pain lived.

Forty-Eight

Gray

Berger followed me upstairs. “Thanks for coming over, man,” I said.

“As long as you know it’s under heavy duress.”

“I do.”

“And video games are okay?”

“Yeah, but just those racing games for little kids.”

“Right.
Grand Theft Auto
. It’ll be a good education for them.”

I squinted at him over my shoulder. “I’m serious, Berger.”

“Chill out. Neither of us even play that game anymore. Where’s your head?”

I continued up the stairs.

“Oh, right. Dealing with Yoda abandonment.”

My chest tightened, but I waited until we were in the hall to say anything. “Seriously?” I whispered.

He made a sad face. “Too soon?”

“Jackass.”

“You sure you want to do this? It’s freaking hot outside. You might get heatstroke. And I might accidentally kill them.”

I tried to laugh, but all that came out was a hissing sound. “They’ve been killed before. No worries.”

We stopped outside my brothers’ open bedroom door. They were playing Catan Junior. Quietly. Shock of all shocks. Berger’s face took on a serious expression. “What time does your dad get home again?” he said, still whispering.

“Around five thirty or so. Only an hour and a half. You can do this.”

“You owe me.”

“I know.”

He looked me in the eye steadily, like he was trying to communicate something. But he didn’t need to. I got it. He was my friend. And no matter how crazy he acted, I knew he cared. He nodded once, then tilted his head toward my brothers.