Lies My Girlfriend Told Me (20 page)

What is he…? Oh, Swanee. I’d be lying if I said she doesn’t cross my mind. But what Liana and I have is real. It has nothing to do with Swanee, and everything to do with us. Liana and I never talked about a rebound relationship—only one based on revenge. Are they the same? I don’t think so.

I could only commit to one person, unlike Swanee, who seemingly was able to switch her love on and off like a faucet.

When I don’t answer, Dad says, “Never mind. It’s your life. You have to learn these things on your own. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

She’s not a rebound. She may have been there when I needed her most, but that doesn’t make her a rebound. Does it?

Arvada wins the high jump and across the track our pep squad goes wild. My eyes stray to Betheny, doing split jumps and rustling her poms. She’s an awesome cheerleader, too. I wonder if I ever told her that. Now, of course, I’ll never get the chance.

Dad rubs his back and says, “I think that’s about it for us.” Ethan’s getting fussy for a bottle. “Are you going to call me when you’re ready to go?”

“Liana and I are going to dinner, and then Rainbow Alley. She’s driving.”

“How late will you be, do you think?”

“Not very. Rainbow Alley closes at nine.”

He squeezes my shoulder on the way down. As he’s retracing his steps around the track, I see Betheny jog over to say hi to him. She swoons over Ethan. It’s been months since she’s seen him, so he must look gigantic.

I should’ve followed Dad, since I need to use the restroom and it’s by the concession stands on the other side. I want to tell Liana I’ll be back, but she’s conferring with the squad. People are gathered around the bleachers near the concessions, eating and smoking. Joss is there.

“Hey, Joss,” I call to her.

She looks gaunt and pale. Grounding her cigarette in the dirt, she starts toward me.

“I need to…” I point to the restroom. “Be right back. Don’t go anywhere.”

When I come out, she’s gone. Then I see her over by the track. “Hi.” I come up beside her. “How are you?”

“Fuckin’ awesome.”

“Did you get my letter?”

“I got it.”

Silence. Then, out of nowhere, she says, “I was here when she died.”

“What? Where?”

“Here. At the track. She wanted me to time her, like I always did.”

My jaw unhinges. “You were here?”

She blinks at me. “Do you have a problem with earwax? She liked running on this track, since it’d give her an advantage at the state meet.” Joss returns her gaze to the field. “We climbed the fence. It was still dark, so the cops wouldn’t see her on the track. No one would. I’m the one who called 911.”

Wait a minute. “The story I got was that she was gone before anyone found her.”

Joss continues, “It was cold that day. I brought a thermos of coffee for me and a bottle of water for Swan. She did her stretching, then started running. She was in the zone. You know how she gets.”

Got, I think. “Then what?”

Joss stares into the middle distance. “I set the coffee down to find her stopwatch, and when I looked up, she was already on the opposite side of the track. On the ground. At first I thought she was just resting, so I yelled at her, ‘You’re losing time by sleeping, slacker.’ ” Joss’s voice goes hollow. “She didn’t move. So I called louder. I got up and walked across
the field, thinking she was just faking it, and when I got there, she wasn’t breathing. I knew she had her cell because she always carried it, so I called 911, and they told me how to give her CPR.” She adds, “Pronounced dead on arrival.”

Oh my God. “Joss,” I say. “I’m sure there’s nothing you could’ve done. According to Mom, most people who have sudden cardiac arrests die instantly. Their heart just stops. CPR wouldn’t have brought her back.” Didn’t Mom say that? I think Joss needs to be released from the guilt. I touch her shoulder and say, “You can’t blame yourself.”

She stares at my hand, and then up at me. “I don’t.” From her pocket she removes half a joint and lights up. She inhales deeply, closing her eyes. If Joss was here… if she witnessed everything… that makes it ten times worse.

“Could you loan me a couple of dollars for a hot dog?” she says, “I’m starving.”

All I have is a twenty, which I was going to use to split dinner with Liana. I hand the bill to Joss and tell her, “Keep the change.” I’ll charge dinner.

She stuffs it in her back pocket and heads off. The concessions are swarmed. It must be lunchtime.

Suddenly, my eyes are covered from behind. “Three guesses,” Liana says softly in my ear. “And the first four don’t count.”

I smile and pivot. She takes both my hands again and I lean into her. Our attention is diverted by someone beside us, and the smell of mustard.

It’s Joss, back already.

“You remember Joss,” I say to Liana.

“I do,” she says. “Alix explained everything to me, but I have a question. Why did you text me on Swan’s cell for two weeks after she was dead?”

Joss curls a lip. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

I should confess. I need to. But not in front of Joss.

Joss slit-eyes both of us. Her eyes travel to our linked hands and back. “I hate you,” she snarls. “I hate both of you.”

Chapter 22

When the meet is finished and the parking lot begins to clear, Liana’s at her car, waiting for me. I trot over and we embrace, and then she kisses me so passionately, I feel I’m sinking into quicksand.

A couple of guys whistle at us, reminding me that the whole world isn’t ready to accept love for love’s sake. “Do you remember how to get to my house?” I ask Liana as we climb into her car.

“You’re permanently plugged into my GPS,” she says.

That gives me a thrill.

I tell her about Joss being at the stadium the day Swan died. Giving her CPR. Hearing the EMT pronounce Swan DOA.

A look of shock, and then one of dismay, crosses Liana’s eyes. “No one should have to go through that, especially your own sister.” She reaches over, takes my hand, and pulls it into her lap.

Every time she touches me, it’s like a beehive of activity all over my body.

Liana says, “I’ll light a votive candle for Joss to get through this.”

Which is sweet, but I’m not sure it’ll be enough.

When we get to my house, I tell Liana to park at the curb rather than in the driveway, just in case Mom’s home and has to take off for an emergency.

She’s already at the hospital. Dad’s in the kitchen and comes out to greet us. “How’d your team do?” he asks Liana.

“So-so. The girls won more events than the boys.”

Dad cuts a look at me and I remain impassive.

“We’re just going to change before we go out,” I tell him. I veer toward the stairs with Liana trailing behind.

Dad clears his throat.

Oh, for God’s sake. “I’ll wait here.” I roll my eyes as I pass her on the way down.

She takes her pink Victoria’s Secret carryall into my bedroom and closes the door.

“When and where did you two meet?” Dad asks. The timer dings on the bottle warmer and Dad moves back to the kitchen to lift Ethan out of his high chair.

“It’s kind of a long story.” It’s also awkward standing here, waiting for Liana to return.

Dad cradles Ethan and begins to feed him. “I have time.”

“No, you don’t. It truly is an epic saga.” One that will forever remain untold.

Thankfully, Liana’s a quick-change artist and emerges from my room. She looks awesome in everything, but tonight she’s wearing black jeans with an eyelet blouse.

My shredded jeans and sloppy tee will never do. I hate to leave Liana alone with Dad, but I tell her, “I’ll be fast.”

When I come down, Liana’s got Ethan in her arms and she and Dad are laughing. She’s so great—comfortable with everyone, and self-confident. Two things I’m not.

Dad gives me the requisite blah-blah: Don’t pick up strangers. Don’t drink and drive. For no reason at all, he asks, “Do you need any money?”

I had money until I gave it to Joss.

Liana says, “Tonight’s on me.”

What? It’s the first time anyone’s taken me out on a date—and paid for it. I feel… special.

Once we’re in the car, Liana says, “Put on this blindfold. I want to surprise you.”

Uh-oh, I think. I’m not big on surprises. When I hesitate, she says, “I wouldn’t do anything to hurt or embarrass you.”

I know that. The blindfold is a bandana that smells like her. I tie it tight in back. “If we have to go too far, I’ll get carsick,” I warn her.

“It’s not that far away,” she says. “Unless I get lost.”

We drive about ten minutes, and then Liana makes a sharp turn and parks. “Okay, you can take off the blindfold.”

I pull it down and look at our surroundings. I meet her eyes. “Are you insane?”

“I’ll probably have to go to confession, but what the hell?”

We both start to giggle. I’ve always wanted to come here, but I’ve never had the guts.

Naturally, it’s filled with guys. Big-screen TVs are blasting different sporting events. The hostess says, “Hi. Welcome to Hooters. Two for dinner?”

I can’t help staring at her boobs. They have to be fake, or
enhanced. No doubt she’s wearing a push-up Victoria’s Secret bra. Liana glances sideways at me as we’re led to a table, both of us suppressing laughter.

The menu is extensive. Hooterstizers, burgers, hot wings, salads. My attention wanders and Liana pokes me. “Eyes on the menu.”

Every waitress in this place is totally stacked and gorgeous. I know I should be a hard-ass about objectifying women, but hey, when you’ve got it, flaunt it. Right?

We both build our own burgers and share an order of curly fries. It’s hard to talk with all the noise from the TVs and guys, well, hooting. But it doesn’t matter. We share a chocolate shake and gaze into each other’s eyes. Who needs to talk?

When the bill arrives, Liana snatches it up.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to pay half?” I ask her.

She reaches across the booth with her empty hand and weaves her fingers through mine. “I’m taking my girl to dinner.”

This ember of joy sparks a blazing fire inside me. Does she consider me her girlfriend? Nothing in the world would make me happier.

Outside, as she’s unlocking her car door, I step in front of her. Taking her in my arms, I kiss her, and then whisper in her ear, “I love you.”

She smiles tenderly into my eyes, “I love you, too.” She kisses me until I can barely breathe.

On the drive to Rainbow Alley, I ask Liana, “Do you think we’re both rebounding? You know, from she-who-shall-not-be-named?”

Liana takes a long moment to answer. “I know it happens to people because they have this empty space in their hearts. But I never felt the kind of love for her that I do for you. It’s like I finally know what real love is.”

Her words infiltrate my soul and I know exactly how she feels. What I had with Swanee seemed like love, but now I wonder if it was just infatuation. My need to fill my empty place.

A sense of liberation comes over me, like I’m finally free of her. Whatever hold Swanee had on me is gone. Knowing what I know about her now, I can definitely say I’m glad it ended. Not the how, but the when.

“Where are you?” Liana asks.

“Here.” I smile at her. “With you.”

Rainbow Alley is downstairs at the LGBTQI Center in Denver. Dance music hits us as we descend the stairs. “What are these?” Liana asks, pointing to the tiles on the wall. Each is made of fired clay and expresses some aspect of the emotional journey toward coming out, or living your truth: fear, courage, compassion, support, acceptance, love, etc. That’s what I tell her. She stands at the wall to read a few of them, encircling my waist with her arms. We’ve shared this journey, even if it wasn’t together.

Liana’s never seen a drag show, so I know this’ll be cool for her. The furniture is pushed against the walls, making room for the entertainment. From the snack table, we fill a plate with pretzels, chips, candy, veggies, and dip before finding a cozy corner on a sofa to snuggle up together.

She gazes into my eyes and I communicate back with
mine. Then she sticks a jelly worm halfway into her mouth and baits me to bite off the other end.

The drag show starts and people whoop and cheer. Tonight is retro: Madonna and Cher. We finish our food and I set the plate on a table beside me. As if on cue, our faces close the distance and we kiss. It’s a gentle kiss, sweet, with a little salt mixed in from the chips. We kiss again and my yearning unleashes itself. She shifts so that we can hold each other closer. This time I feel passion and desire in her kiss.

It’s as if we’re floating up and away from reality and everything that’s kept us apart. We’re one. We were always meant to find each other, and now it’s finally come to be.

“I never thought I’d trust anyone again,” she says, stroking my hair. “But I trust you, Alix, with all my heart and soul.”

Hearing these words, I feel like I hit a concrete wall. I have to tell her about the texts, my deception. We can’t begin this relationship with on a lie.

She holds my face between her velvety hands and kisses me deeply, putting her whole self into it.

I’m physically sick. Pulling back, I say, “I need to use the restroom.” As I’m untangling from her, my foot catches on the strap of my pack and the contents scatter.

Liana laughs. “Go. I’ll get it.”

I leave her there, scooping up all my makeup and stuff.

I lock myself in a stall and let my head drop into my hands. I have to tell her. I have to. Maybe she’ll understand and not hate me. And maybe ignorance is bliss.

After a few minutes, I flush the toilet and push through
the door. As I weave through a bunch of people who are gyrating to the music, a girl grabs my hand and spins me under her arm. I almost say, I’m not available. I’m in love.

But at that moment Liana’s eyes meet mine across the room. She’s not smiling; in fact, her expression is scaring me.

That’s when I see it. Swan’s cell. In Liana’s hand.

Oh my God. I hustle back and say, “I can explain.”

Her eyes are black as coal.

I sit on the edge of the sofa.