Authors: A. M. Hudson
Jase took a jagged breath as the shirt parted slightly and showed my milky white skin in places he didn’t usually see—just a thin line down the centre of my body, revealing the bone between my breasts, my belly button, and the apex of my thighs. And he wasn’t strong and noble and wise to me then; he looked scared and young, and so adorably timid I almost laughed.
“
It doesn’t mean the same thing to me as it does to you,” I said.
“
What?”
“
Nakedness,” I said. “It’s not sexual for me. Not out here.”
He looked around the forest, nodding. “Can’t say I feel the same way.”
I smiled. “I’m sorry. No one was supposed to be around.”
He kept the nod going, clearly suffering under his external cool. “You’re right. I am suffering.” He took a few steps away and started digging under leaves and branches. “Let’s just find your clothes.”
“
Jase?”
He looked up, a little shocked that I was suddenly behind him, and closed the shirt as he stood up right in front of me.
“
Don’t be nervous around me.”
“
Ara, I am in love you. It might not mean anything to you to be naked right in front of my eyes,” he said with a small laugh. “But it just makes me wanna hold you, and I can’t. I know that. I know it’s not right. I—”
“
You don’t have to explain, Jase.” I lay my hand over his where it tightly capped the shirt closed. “I know how you feel about me. I’m sorry. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
He nodded, turning away. “Like I said, let’s just find your clothes, because I’m not really sure how much longer I can control myself, Ara.”
I wet my lips, shaking my head. “You don’t need control. You have honour.”
“
Honour means nothing when I just wanna slide my hand inside that shirt, all the way along your soft, naked hips, and pull you in close—hold you until all that pain I know you’re feeling goes away or, at least, doesn’t hurt so bad.”
My skin practically left my body then and jumped into his arms. I wanted that so badly, too. But more than I wanted Jase, for once, I just wanted him to be David.
“
I see.” He nodded, his whole face shadowed with a frown. “I. . .”
“
Jase. I’m sorry.”
“
It’s never changed, Ara.” He held both hands up when I went reached for him. “And I’m okay. I’m not mad at you, or anything. I just . . . it’s never
gonna
change, is it? Not even now you’re free to be mine?”
I slowly moved my head from side to side.
“
Yeah,” he whispered so low I almost didn’t hear. “Guess I should’ve accepted that a long time ago.”
“
Jase, wait,” I called, but he turned and walked away at human pace, without looking back.
The kitchen was quiet. All the staff were having lunch below the manor, my knights were all at training, and all my friends were off doing something of value. I sat at the table in the centre of the room, tapping my fingernails against the ceramic mug to make some noise and maybe blend out the loneliness I felt today, but it didn’t work. Mike’s brownies, however, did. Well, maybe not with the loneliness—I took another bite and closed my eyes to savour the flavour—but they at least gave me a second of joy. Eating something Mike made, I guess, was like going home to visit your parents after growing up and moving out.
“
So you’re going to eat your problems,” David said, leaning in the doorway.
I threw the brownie down and wiped my mouth. “I didn’t know anyone was there.”
“
Clearly.” He walked in. “That’s the fourth one you’ve eaten.”
I looked at the plate. Sure enough, I’d gobbled up pretty much the whole batch. “Guess I was hungry.”
“
No, you weren’t.” He moved over and stood beside me, closer than he’d been to me in days. “You’re eating your problems, and it’s showing.”
“
Showing?” I looked down, following his smug stare.
“
Do think I’m the only one that’s noticed how fat you’ve gotten?”
My blood ran cold. I sucked my gut in. “It’s just a little. . .”
“
Disgusting.”
“
I was gonna say pot.” I patted my belly. “And, can you blame me?”
His brows moved up his forehead and he scratched just beside his nose. “No, I suppose not. You never really did have any self-control.”
“
I have plenty.” I stood up. “So what if I’m putting on a little weight? It’s not like I’m fat.”
The smugness swathed his face then. He folded his arms and looked me up and down. “You’re the fattest I’ve ever seen you, and I gotta say, Ara, it really doesn’t suit you.”
“
That’s it,” I said through my teeth, the rage moving through my chest, taking control of my arm. He caught me before my hand impacted his face, though, and held my wrist tight, his eyes locked to mine like stony caverns.
“
You ever try something like again,” he said, gliding into me. “And I will do more than just catch your hand. Do you understand me?”
“
You don’t frighten me,” I said, but my voice quivered. I came to rest with my spine against the wall, my gaze gridlocked with his—hiding nothing of the fear he created in me. Once, I knew him well, knew he’d never hurt me. But now, I wasn’t really so sure.
He looked down at my hand, his eyes fixing on the lone gold band around my ring finger. “Why are you still wearing that?”
I jerked downward, trying to pull out of his grasp, but he held my hand in an iron grip and capped his fingertips around the ring, forcing it from my finger. “David, don’t.”
“
You have no right to wear this.” He held it up, taking a few long strides away from me. “You lost that right the day you bedded my brother.”
“
We’re still married,” I said, squaring my shoulders. “And Lilithians don’t believe in divorce. So, like it or not, you’re stuck with me.”
“
Let me get one thing monumentally straight—” He stepped closer, his shoulders rounding to lower his face to mine. “I am stuck with nothing. Our bond may be by that of the law, Ara, but you are in no way my wife. You mean nothing to me nor do the promises this ring symbolises.” He held it up in a circle between his fingers. “We may not be allowed to divorce, but make no mistake, we are not, nor shall we ever be again, husband and wife. And if I see this on your finger again, I will cut it off with the blade in my scabbard.” He placed a hand to his knife for good measure. “Do I make myself clear?”
I nodded, squeaking instead of speaking.
“
Right.” He rolled to stand tall again, ditching the gold band at my feet. “Now pull yourself together. We have Court in ten minutes, and unless you want to be mutilated before my eyes, on this very day, we’d better convey a united front.”
“
Didn’t know you cared.”
He stopped walking, but didn’t turn around. “I don’t.”
“
Since when?” I said. “Can you really just fall out of love with me that quickly?”
“
Yes.”
“
What about the boy I met at school?” I went to walk forward, deciding to stay put instead. “What would he think to know you felt this way? Go back, David. Remember
us
. Remember what we felt then. Do you really hate me so much you can’t ever forgive me—forgive that girl you fell in love with?”
Both of us stood silently then. I could see his memories flashing and fighting against reality and perception—see him picture me in my yellow dress on the driveway of my dad’s house that first day I arrived. He’d never seen anything so uniquely and perfectly matched to him and all his desires in his hundred years on this earth. He loved me then, and I felt the love surround that thought, but he cast it away quickly, smothering it with images he’d clearly stolen from Jason of the night he and I slept together, making me draw a breath.
“
Yes, Ara,” he said to the floor, still not turning around.
“
Yes to what?”
“
Yes, love can die in an instant,” he muttered coldly, walking away. I stood motionless, horrified over what he’d seen in Jason’s thoughts. It wasn’t much, just a few stilled images, clearly stolen when Jason wasn’t in control. But it was enough to haunt David. And to haunt me.
I toed the ring then, seeing the distance from here to floor as much greater than it actually was. And for that moment, I didn’t even feel as if I had the right to pick the damn thing up. He took it from me—threw it to the ground like it was nothing. Because it was nothing, I guess. He was right. All the promises we made gave that ring life, and without them, it was just a plain gold band. It meant nothing.
I turned and walked away, too, leaving it behind on the floor.
***
Despite personal grievances, neither David nor I let them get in the way of our duty to the people. We politely took the back seat when the other was standing before the Court, deciding the fate of lawbreakers, and it seemed we’d worked out an unspoken system for who ruled on what. David left the humanitarian cases up to me, and anything involving or requiring harsher punishments were left for him. But when those doors closed at the back of the Throne Room and Court had ended for the day, cold, dark David returned, speaking no words to me. I’d turned and offered him a smile—a kind of truce, but he did not accept. He just checked my finger to see that I’d obeyed him and, once satisfied, hurried from the room.
I didn’t even bother to tell him I left the ring on the floor in the kitchen where he threw it. I didn’t have the heart to touch it again, not when it now symbolised so many mistakes and so much heartache. Someone would find it and return it to me, and I could play dumb—say I’d lost it when I was washing my hands. But at least, for now, I didn’t have to tell anyone David forbid me to wear it. And the lie—losing it—was easier to carry than the truth. Then again, maybe I should have picked it up and kept it in my pocket. It’d only been three days since my confession. I couldn’t really expect miracles. The fact that we could rule with civility between us was divine intervention enough.
I rolled onto my back, fluffing my pillows under my head, then just laid watching the sky outside change from black to dark blue—the stars slowly fading out group by group until dawn was on the horizon. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to walk out and meet with Mother Nature this morning. Although it always recharged me, made me feel as though I’d slept when I hadn’t, or that I was well when I felt ill, I just didn’t feel as if I could be bothered. I went there day after day, trying to find a way to stop David using the dagger on Drake, but the mother only seemed to want to talk about Jason. I thought maybe Jase was the answer, the key to saving David, but I just didn’t know how. Then again, maybe she wasn’t all that concerned about losing David. Maybe she was trying to tell me I should be with Jason. Who knew? I was never really good at riddles.
“
Ara?”
I sat bolt upright, searching the darkness for the voice when, across the sitting room, a creaky door slammed shut and someone whispered profanity at the sudden loud noise.
“
Jase? Is that you?”
“
Yeah.” A lamp came on beside him. He stood there by the secret entrance beside the fireplace, his charmingly sheepish smile sending the jitters and ghosts of my instant reaction away.
I flopped back for a second and breathed out. “You scared the crap out of me.”
“
Sorry.”
“
What are you doing here?”
“
It’s almost dawn.” He nodded to the window. “Figured you’d be headed out for your usual walk soon.”
“
I—” I sat up and hugged my knees to my chest, resting my chin on them “I wasn’t planning on going today.”
“
Why not?” he asked, strolling over, with both hands concealing something behind his back.
“
I’ve been thinking.”
“
About?”
“
David never really had a great life. I mean, neither of you did.”
“
And?” He sat down beside me, making the bed dip a little, as if he were human and gravity had any bearing on him.
“
He’s a good king. He loves what he does, and he. . .”