Liberty (26 page)

Mama B. squinted slightly as we stepped inside the front doors. “You know, my first name is Nancy.”

I laughed. “
Nancy?
Are you serious? I totally had you pegged as a Julene or a Sora or something.”

“Nope. Nancy. I hated it when I was a kid. Such an old lady name.”

“What changed?”

“I grew into it.” She smiled as she pushed open the kitchen door. Miriam was sitting across from Rivera, their heads nearly touching as they whispered back and forth over scrambled eggs and toast. My stomach churned.

Disgusting.

She looked up as we walked in the room.

“Good morning, Tabitha.”

“It’s Dix.”

“Sorry, Dix. Are you ready for your session?”

I looked anxiously over at Mama B.

She nodded. “It’ll be okay, I promise. You can come talk to me about it afterwards if you want.”

I took a deep breath. “Okay, Miriam Porch. Do your worst.”

Miriam looked up at me with surprise. “Really?”

“Yes, let’s get this over with.”

She stood up, kissed Rivera on top of his head, and handed me a muffin. “Let’s start with the basics of selfpreservation.”

I rolled my eyes, but I took the muffin and followed her out the door. I was happy to have something to appease my grumbling stomach, and I devoured the entire thing before we had reached her healing room.

I’m not sure exactly what I was expecting when Miriam opened the door to her healing room, but it wasn’t what I found there. Lavender scented candles flickered around the room. A fireplace crowned with a broad mantle glowed as the bright flames flickered around a piece of cedar wood. A small kitten was curled up in the corner of a brown leather couch, and the only hint of equipment was a half door on hinges. I figured that would fold down into an exam table or something.

“So, what horrible things are you going to do to me first?” I asked.

Sure enough, Miriam pulled the half door down, but instead of an exam table, she pulled out what looked like a long metal coffin. She propped it up on thick legs that folded out from the base. “I don’t think you’ll find this too horrible, Dix. It’s a simple body scan, not invasive at all. Hop in.”

I eyed her suspiciously. “You will let me back out of there when it’s done, right?”

Miriam laughed. “I promise.”

Reluctantly, I climbed up the small stepping stool Miriam unfolded for me and lay down inside the box. I had a moment of panic as Miriam lowered the lid, but to my surprise, a wave of pleasant smells washed over me and soft music started to play. I closed my eyes and was almost asleep when Miriam opened the lid and helped me out.

“Was that the horrible experience you were looking for?” she asked.

“Surprisingly, no. Find anything interesting?” I asked.

“Aside from what’s left of that graze on your arm, you’re healthy as a horse.”

I sighed. “Good. What next? Booster shots in my—”

“Have a seat, Dix,” said Miriam. She pointed to the leather couch. I sat next to the little orange kitten. He stood up and stretched, and then padded over and curled up in my lap.

Miriam smiled as she sat down in the recliner across from me. “You know, it’s very unusual for Rochester to do that. You must be special.”

I didn’t mean to, but I smiled as I scratched behind the kitten’s ears and felt him start to purr. “He’s cute.”

“We found him wandering around the courtyard, mewing away. No family, no friends. It’s a big, scary world to be alone in.”

I glared at her. “Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing.”

“What do you think I’m doing?”

“You’re trying to get me to feel something, to access my inner emotions, or whatever. Well, I’m not going there, so just forget about it.”

“All I said was—”

“I know what you said, and what I’m saying is you can’t make me talk to you about my past. Of course it sucks being alone, of
course
it feels awful to be the only one in your whole family who is still alive. What am I supposed to do about it? Nothing will change the past, so I put my head down and I suck it up and I stay tough so that nobody can hurt me.”

Miriam blinked. “Yeah, I can see the logic in that. If you don’t feel anything, you don’t get hurt.”

I nodded.

“But is it possible that there are things you’re missing out on? Some feelings are nice.”

“Doesn’t matter, they don’t last. Nothing lasts.”

“Nothing lasts, huh? Your crew seems to be pretty loyal to you. And if I had to hazard a guess, I’d say that Jordan Berrett cares a great deal for you as well. Think that’ll last?” she asked.

“Who knows? I mean, for all I know my crew could be dead tomorrow and Berrett could be hanging around just to make sure the Underground gets their share of the Eternigen if we manage to recreate it. Not that I
want
him hanging around. It’s far too difficult to ....”

Tighten the screws. Hold the breath. Lock it down.

“Too difficult to what?” pressed Miriam.

Maybe I had tightened the screws too much, but something seemed to splinter inside me. I felt a sudden desire to let go, to let myself buckle under the weight of my destructive life. Hope, that persistent little devil, was up to her old tricks. Hope was trying to get me to believe that there was actually something Miriam could say or do that would make me feel better. Normal was far too much to hope for, but better? Better might be worth a risk.

“Too difficult to love someone when you’re cursed.”

Miriam chuckled. “Surely you don’t believe in curses, Dix.”

“Well, not exactly, but all the evidence is there. I forgot to give the Eternigen to my dad. As a result, I lost my entire family and had to start over as someone else.”

“Trudy Loveless.”

I nodded. “And then when Berrett tried to help me, his master and the entire shipyard crew were killed, and then Hank, and Mark and Bethany... it’s my fault. All of it.”

“That’s a lot of guilt for one girl to be carrying around.”

I shrugged. “Well, I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to be running around ecstatic over the fact that I caused the deaths of so many people.”

“Did you cause their deaths?” asked Miriam.

“I just told you I did. Weren’t you listening? If it weren’t for me, my brother and my parents would still be alive!”

“Do you really know that, Dix? Could you possibly have foreseen the results of not giving your father the box?”

“I should have. I should have.” My own voice sounded far away. I could feel myself floating away from the situation, pulling out, hiding somewhere safe deep inside myself where nobody could find me. Despite my efforts, a stray tear wandered away down my cheek. I felt like I was being pulled closer and closer to my breaking point, and I wasn’t sure I could handle it.

“Dix, can you scratch Rochester’s ears, please?”

I nodded. I started scratching behind his ears again, and he purred louder. I took a deep breath and exhaled. The furry orange kitten rolled over on his back and stretched out on my lap. I rubbed his little tummy and he curled around my hand and fell asleep.

I smiled. “He really is cute.”

Miriam nodded. “Let me just suggest a few things, and then we’ll be done for today. It seems to me that you are overestimating your own power to control the situation. How old were you when your family died?”

“Twelve. I had just turned twelve.”

“That’s pretty young, Dix. And have you ever stopped to consider that had your father been given the vial, things may have been worse? Perhaps your survival and the survival of the Eternigen is the best possible outcome.”

I watched Rochester’s tummy rise and fall as he breathed. I tried to make my own breaths keep pace with his. I became engrossed with this effort, forgetting Miriam was even there.

“Dix?”

“Huh?”

“Where are you going?”

“What?”

“When you zone out like that, where do you go?” asked Miriam.

I looked at her. “Holy skud, you got me to do it anyway!” I put Rochester gently back in the corner of the leather couch and headed for the door.

“Dix?”

“No. I’m done talking.”

“Dix.
Sit down.”

I sat.

“You need more help. There are a lot of things that you feel intensely, and it’s not healthy for you to continue bottling them up. I know how much you care about Jordan. Why don’t you let that relationship grow a little, as an experiment to see what happens?”

“So I can be a train wreck when he winds up dead? No thank you. Now, if you’re done dispensing ridiculous advice, I have a ship to clean.”

“Dix, you really do need to work through this.”

“I can’t afford to.” I stood up to walk out, but Hobs was already standing in the doorway, pale as chalk.

“Overhear something shocking, Hobs?” I asked.

He didn’t say a word, just leaned towards me and hit play on his Cuff.

“In the wake of the senseless murder of a young family on Titan yesterday, investigators have issued a warrant for the arrest of Tabitha Dixon, a career criminal wanted for numerous crimes against the System. In a shocking press conference this morning, Detective Scot Gee, lead investigator in the case, issued the following statement.

“‘The victims were all clients of one Trudy Loveless, which we now know is an alias of the fugitive Tabitha Dixon. We believe that Tabitha Dixon is responsible for these horrific murders, though her motive remains unclear. We advise anyone who has worked with Tabitha Dixon or her alias Trudy Loveless to take extra precautions to ensure your safety and to notify the authorities immediately if she makes any attempt to contact you. Your lives may be in danger.’

“In a heartwarming show of concern for the colonies, President Forsythe issued his own statement, personally offering a substantial reward for any information that leads to Dixon’s arrest.”

I gave Hobson his Cuff back, my jaw slack. The little family was one of our last clients. They were darling. They didn’t deserve to be slaughtered because Eira wasn’t getting her way. Worst of all, the blame for these atrocities was being laid at my feet.

The smoldering coals of anger banked in my gut erupted into a fiery rage as I let out a scream and fell to my knees.

“Go get the crew, Hobs. This ends now.”

M
AMA B. WALKED PAST ME AS I WAS STRAIGHTENING MY
quarters onboard
Liberty.
“Hey, Mama. Is Berrett back yet?” I asked.

“Nope,” she replied. “He should be home soon. Everyone else is in their bunks getting things ready to go, as per your request. How’d it go with Miriam?”

I shrugged. “Fine.”

Mama B. leaned in my doorway. “Hobs showed you the video, didn’t he?”

“Yeah.” I yanked the bed sheet so tight over my cot that one edge tore. I cussed under my breath. Mama B. came into the room to help me finish making the bed.

“I’m so sorry. There’s no magic solution for making troubles easier, honey. The path to healing is different for everyone, but you know, you can be proud of yourself for even trying to walk down that path in the first place.”

I sighed and sat down on my bed. Mama B. said nothing. She just sat down next to me and put her arm around me. We sat quietly for a minute until at last she broke the silence. “You know, if you were my daughter, I’d consider myself one lucky parent. You’re doing well. Just keep swinging.”

She stood up and continued on her way, but her words lingered in my mind long after she had gone.

I walked the length of
Liberty,
checking in on everyone as I went. I poked my head into CiCi’s room. Her bed was covered with the spare ship parts she had collected, and she was labeling and organizing each one. Hobson’s lab was nearly spotless, Bell was getting settled in her quarters, and Rivera was shining his boots. Miriam was hanging fresh curtains around her room, her scented candles slowly changing the smell of the ship from oily teenager to flower garden.

I wasn’t totally sure how I felt about that, but I didn’t suppose I had much choice in the matter. What did bring me some joy was that my family was back, and bigger than when I had started out. I sat down in my chair in the cockpit and examined the plans for getting off Neptune. With Eira and the SUN ships orbiting around us, there was only one time possible to launch and enter orbit in a place where no one was flying—tomorrow at noon. The plan was not without its risks. Even if we had clear space, we would have to engage the thrusters and fly to the jump gate immediately in order to take advantage of the head start. My plan was to draw Eira away from the SUN ships and then fly a shuttle to her ship and turn myself in.

Nothing was worth the cost of human lives. Nothing. She could have the flarking vial for all I cared, and my freedom with it. I was done with human sacrifice.

Hobson burst into the cockpit and interrupted my plotting.

“Oh captain, my captain!” he cried.

“Yo.”

Hobs picked me up out of my chair and swung me around in his skinny little arms. “I have a surprise for you! You’re going to love it!” Just as he put me down, a horrible rattling ran through
Liberty.

Hobs and I exchanged looks of concern. “What was that?” I asked.

“Space dust. Lots of it.” Hobs smiled at me, then doubled over and fell to the floor as the report of a gun echoed through the corridors.

“Hobs!” I screamed.

I fell to my knees and rolled him over. A bullet had struck him in the stomach and he was bleeding profusely.

“Flarking skud, Hobs, you can’t do this to me, you can’t do this to me!”

I threw off my vest and ripped off my shirt, crumpling it into a ball and pressing it to Hobs’s middle with as much pressure as I dared, hoping to slow the bleeding. I covered Hobs with my jacket and watched the color drain from his face.

“Isaac Hobson, you stay with me. You
stay
with me,” I yelled.

His eyes started to glaze over. “D..... I ha..... I have a surprise,” he whispered.

I put my finger on his lips and closed his eyes with my hand. “I know, you told me. Don’t talk right now. You need to save your energy. We can get you help, Hobs, we can—”