Letting Go (Rock Romance #6) (5 page)

I pull into my parent’s driveway and spot a beat up looking car,
who in the fuck is that
, I grind my teeth hoping my parents don’t have another quack of a doctor over convincing them that he can cure her, it’s a simple fix, only eight surgeries later and she has a chance of being normal.

What is
normal
anyway?

Who’s ever been fucking
normal
?

What’s wrong with being different?

Thoughts I have all I can do not to scream at my parents every time I find out they’ve got a new specialist that can help
fix
Rush.

I slam the car door shut, choosing to take my frustration out on the vehicle rather than voicing my anger on my parents, with Rush around. Shit she doesn’t need to see.

I storm to the door and knock twice before opening the door. My parents are seated in the living room in the middle of what looks to be a discussion. I cough, alerting them to my presence. My father takes one look at me and then dismisses me, looking at something above my left shoulder.

Can’t even meet my eyes.

My mother stays quiet, in a solemnly sad way.

“Where’s Rush?” I ask, decided I can deal with them later.

“She’s upstairs with Rad, packing for their outing today.” My mother replies.

“What outing?”

“Do you ever listen to the things I tell you? Or read the emails that I send? Rad is Rush’s aide. She and Rush go out together, they have outings twice a week.”

“Since when? She doesn’t need an aide.” I reply, annoyed with myself that I didn’t remember.

“Almost a year now. You’re right Zeppelin, she doesn’t need an aide, but she does need a friend. Rad provides that for her, she cares for her and enjoys spending time with your sister. I haven’t seen Rush as happy as she has been since the outing started in a long time.”

“So they’re leaving?” I ask, disappointed at my ill timing.

“Yes, but I’m sure they wouldn’t mind it if you joined them.”

I brush my mother off, ignoring my father as he is to me I climb the stairs to Rush’s room. Outside the door I can hear a woman talking excitedly to Rush.

That voice…

I know that voice.

Rad.

Rad is Radisyn.

What the fuck?

I throw the door open to find Radisyn tossing all of Rush’s bathing suits on her bed, Rush standing beside her smiling.

“Well what one would you like to wear?” Radisyn asks Rush.

“She’s not wearing any of them. There isn’t one activity she could do that would require a swimsuit.” I interrupt.

Radisyn jumps back almost knowing Rush over at the shock of my voice.

“Wwww…whatreee you doing here?” She asks accusingly.

“I’m visiting my sister, is what I’m doing. I should ask you the same thing. What are you doing here, in my family’s home?” I stare back, accusing her of being the unwelcome one.

“I’m Rush’s aide, I have been for two years and I’ve never seen you here. Nor have I ever heard of you. I shouldn’t have to explain myself to you, you’re parents know who I am.”

“You’re my sister’s aide huh? Why don’t we have a talk in the hall?” I ask, dragging her out of Rush’s room by her elbow.

“Let go of me.” Radisyn pulls her arm back.

I can’t let go, I just want to feel her, need to feel her.

Control.

Control.

Control.

I count to four before speaking, I look at her with boredom and accusations.

“I have to tell you, I find it highly suspicious that you’ve been an aide to my sister, in my family’s home and have never once heard of me. Was this all a plan? Was that what last night was? The final nail in my coffin? You invade my family, get them to love you and then what? Come after me?”

Her green eyes look at me with anger, her hands fidgeting with her shirt.

“I didn’t know you were related. I didn’t become Rush’s friend because of you.”

I cut her off. “Aide, you’re her paid companion not friend.”

She jumps, at the rudeness in my tone.

Pushing people away is what I’ve always done best. I control whom I allow entrance in my life. She’s not welcome here, in my world.

“She’s my friend.” She pathetically argues back.

“You’re only saying that because she’s my sister.”

“No that’s not true, you’re just being an asshole. She’s my friend and it has nothing to do with you. If it did, I would’ve left by now with the way you’re acting.”

Keep going Zepp.

“You call me an asshole, yet you’re the one who infiltrated my family for two years before coming for me. You used them, gained their trust, cared for my sister, only to get to me and I am supposed to be the asshole? No, Radisyn, you’re the asshole here.”

Her lips begin to quiver, then slowly tears form in her eyes. I hold my breath, the pain of being the person who caused the tears slices like a dagger at my heart. Sadly, I know that I can’t just stop it here. I have to continue this.

Just leave Radisyn.

I think of the swimsuits lying on Rush’s bed, and the urge to vomit overtakes me. There’s only one place you’d wear swim wear, and that’s around water. I can use this against her.

“Where’d you plan on taking your friend?” I ask, sarcastically.

She cowers against the wall, wipes at the tears on her face and answers. “The beach, we were going to the beach.”

I’m a fucking bastard and I know it, the thing is this is the only way. The final shove. She’s been around my family, for two fucking years and out of nowhere she shows up last night and seduces me. She can’t stay. Not in my life, nor in Rush’s. Later, I’m sure I’ll think about how cruel I am and mull over the mistakes I made in these few minutes alone.

Later, though, not now.

“My sister will never go near a body of water for as long as I live. Two years you said you’ve been around, there’s no way you haven’t noticed that they’re things wrong with Rush. Those things were caused from drowning. How fucking kind of you to want to bring my sister to a fucking beach.”

“I….I ddddidnt know, Zepp. I’m sorry, I had no idea.” She spits out in between sobs.

“Get the fuck out of here, you’re fired. Do not come near my family again, or you’ll regret it.”

One, two, she runs down the stairs on three. I hear my parents ask her what’s wrong and then the front door slams.

Cruel fucking bastard.

Brushing it aside, I go back into Rush’s room and find her sitting on her bed, bathing suits in her lap. She looks up at me, “Rad, Rad, Rad.” She repeats. Wanting to know where she is.

“She had to leave so you get me instead.” Her lips curve into a grin.

“What do you want to do today?”

She holds up one of the bathing suits that she has on her lap. I grimace, she frowns in reaction. “I’ve got a better idea but let me talk to mom and dad first, then we’ll leave.”

“Okay.” She mumbles.

When I get back downstairs my parents are seated in the same spots I left them in except for now my father’s looking at me, and he’s not happy. Nor is my mother. I take a seat and they start in.

“Why did Radisyn run out? You had to have said something Zeppelin.” My mother starts in first, my father following after.

“She was sobbing and refused to talk to us.”

“I met your Radisyn last night, at our show, I didn’t know she was the Rush’s aide. Let’s just say she was using you guys to get to me, that’s the end of it.”

“Do you really believe that?” My mother asks disappointed.

“Yes I do, that’s why I fired her.” I state.

“You had no right Zepp, that’s not your place. She’s great for Rush, for the first time in a long time she actually has a friend, someone who cares about her and not just because of a paycheck. She’s been with us for years, with Rush, you had no right damn you.” My father’s voice raises an octave.

I raise mine back, angry at him for this, and for the blame he’s placed at my feet now for years. “You’re telling me I had no right? Who pays these bills, who pays for these surgeries that never work? Tell me, who pays for Radisyn to come here and spend time with Rush? I fucking do! Me! I’m tired of this bullshit, ever since the accident you both’ve blamed me for what happened to Rush. I’ve done nothing short of begging for forgiveness and you guys refuse to let it go. Once again you make me the bad guy because you don’t see what’s happening in front of your face. I’m protecting you all from getting hurt. With the surgery and Radisyn. I’m not the bad guy here.”

“You think we blame you for what happened to Rush?” My mom asks, her eyes watering.

“Are you kidding me? Of course I know that you guys blame me.”

“We don’t blame you son, at first we did and we regret that. We truly do, it was never your fault, and you were a child. We, as your parents shouldn’t have allowed you guys to go out there to begin with.” My father explains.

“What? Every time I come around your heads are bowed like I’m unwelcome, whenever you see me with Rush you guys remain silent, and stare at me with disappointment. I can see it, you can’t tell me you guys don’t hold me at fault.”

“Zepp, the disappointment you see is self-hate reflected on ourselves. We realized shortly after the accident that it wasn’t your fault, I know we said some hurtful things to you, and that we over reacted but it was only because we were in denial. It was our fault, it is our fault. Rush’s condition has nothing to do with you.” My mother says in between sobs.

I can see in her eyes what she’s saying is her truth, the regret is genuine.

“What about you dad, the surgery, you wouldn’t look at me when I walked in here and you had some choice words to say over the phone when I said no.”

“I wasn’t angry at you Zepp, I was angry at myself. I spend my days calling neurological surgeons praying for hope that we can give Rush her life back, her life that we took away by allowing you two to go playing in an ocean unsupervised. We just want her to have her life back.” My father replies, swiping at tears glistening on his cheeks.

Fuck.

“This guilt I’ve been harboring is all for nothing. How is it that we’ve never had this conversation? You guys had to have known how I felt, that I you held blame and I carried it with guilt. As for Rush’s life, she has one. Is it the one she could have led? No, it’s not. She’ll never be independent on herself, but she’s fucking happy. She’s happy, isn’t that all that matters? She shouldn’t have to keep undergoing surgeries. That’s the only time she’s not happy, when we have to shave her hair off, when she has to lay in a bed for days, then she’s not thrilled with life. Let her be happy, stop calling surgeons, stop planning surgeries. Let her live the life she has.”

“You’re right.” My father says, surprisingly he agrees. “We need to stop, I don’t know why I ever looked at it that way. But you need to do Rush and us a favor then too. You said to let her live her life happily, well that includes Radisyn. Get her back.”

This isn’t going to be easy.

“Do you have her contact information?” I’ll have to suck this up, and yes, beg if I have to because it’s for Rush. They’re right, what I did was uncalled for and it wasn’t my place to kick her out of my sister’s life. If that’s what makes her happy then that’s what I have to do.

Beg.

“
We have to let go of all blame, all attacking, all judging,

to free our inner selves to attract what we say we want.”

- Joe Vitale

How mean could one person possibly be? It’s not like I had access to Rush’s records and her parents never said a word about not going to the beach or a pool for that matter. They always supported our outings, and I liked to do whatever Rush enjoyed. I wanted her happy.

How dare he accuse me of becoming her aide just to get to him? Ugh. I was crushed last night, and it left me vulnerable and sensitive today. Normally I’m not a fragile being, but what happened between he and I, how beautiful it was, and then how he acted afterward. The cold desolate glaze, it shattered any hope that I had before meeting him that he was the person who could become my one.

Today only solidified that.

I swing my door open and toss my keys on the counter, grabbing my cellphone out of my pocket I call Shayne. Hoping there’s some extra work he knows about so I can distract myself from these feelings. On the second ring he answers.

“Hello beautiful.”

“Hi Shayne, look I was wondering if you needed any help today with clients.”

“I thought you were with Rush today.”

“Yeah, I was supposed to be but her parents left a few days earlier than planned.” I lie.

“That sucks, I know how attached you are to her. I’m at West Front Home today, I know they could use a few extra hands, you’re welcome to come by if you want. Make sure to let Shelia know, so she can put it on your time card.”

“Great, thanks. I’ll call her now, see you in a few.”

“See you soon babe.”

My stomach knots at hearing him use endearments like that. It brings what Avery said last night to the forefront of my mind, and it’s not something I want to think about. Shayne is a great guy, a catch to any woman really, just not for me.

I call Shelia before I leave the apartment, telling her the same lie I told Shayne, because the truth would probably get me fired.

Here’s to hoping Zepp doesn’t call my company.

~*~

When I get to West Front I go in search of Shayne, I find him in the cafeteria seated at a table with a bunch of little old ladies. The center of their attention. You see, sometimes homes like this hire us out just to spend time with their patients, because some of the people no longer have any family alive. Other times they live too far away from their family to visit, leaving them alone.

We come to spend time with them, if approved take them out for an activity or just sit with them in their rooms and listen to their life stories. On my days off when I have nothing to do, I volunteer my time, I don’t have to be paid to make it so someone’s not alone.

As I approach the table Shayne catches my eye, his smile beams. “Here she is ladies, as beautiful as I described right?” He asks the six woman seated at the same table.

What is he doing? This is much more forward than he’s ever been, he’s never come outright and just said things like this. It makes me uncomfortable.

“You’re right she is, such gorgeous hair. I remember when my hair had color, it used to be a rich blonde. That’s when all the guys chased me, those were the days. Now look what I have to deal with,” She says pointing to her hair, “All gray and scraggly, won’t hold a curl to save my life. Enjoy those locks now sweetie.” She says smiling.

“I’ll be sure to take your advice.” I say to her.

“Shayne, can we talk for a second?”

“Sure.” He says, smile still affixed to his face.

He gets up from the table, I walk a few feet away from the ladies, and he joins me.

“Is there anywhere you’d like me to be today?”

“I can think of a thousand different places I would like you to be, sadly none of them can be done here and in public.” He replies smirking.

I cough uncomfortably. “I meant here Shayne, is there anywhere you’d like me to be?”

“I guess if that’s all you’re offering, Mr. Fisher could use some company. Nurse on staff told me he took a hard fall yesterday, lucky he didn’t break any bones but he’s been in some pain so they’ve given him orders to stay in bed. He’s not liking it much, I’m sure if you visited him he would find comfort in being bedridden.”

“What room is he in?”

“Second floor, room twenty-six. Take it easy on him Rad, don’t want to give the old man a heart attack would ya?”

“Shayne, just cool it with the innuendos.” I storm off in search of Mr. Fisher.

~*~

I knock on the door to room twenty six a few times before I hear a deep rasp telling me to go away. Mr. Fisher is in a prime mood today, hopefully I’ll be able to change that. Those are my days, if I could change just one person’s mood, one person’s outlook on life then I’ve been successful for the day.

So against his wishes I enter his room. It’s a small room, nothing fancy, each room is usually affixed with the mere necessities only. A hospital bed, two chair against the wall beside that, a television situated in the corner diagonally form the bed. Two small dressers and a door that leads to their personal bathroom. It’s up to each patient or their families to personalize the room that the patient will most likely be spending the rest of their lives in.

Mr. Fishers isn’t personalized, it’s as plain Jane as a room without someone living in it. This produces questions that I’m not sure the old man wants to answer.

“Didn’t I tell you to go away?” He says to me.

I take a seat in one of the chairs along the wall that’s facing the side of his bed. “You did? I didn’t hear you.” I state flatly, already bored with his stubbornness.

“Well you heard me now, young lady, be on your way.”

“Sorry, I can’t leave, if I do I’ll lose my job. So we have to make the most of this, I have to stay in here for at least two hours.”

He grumbles to himself, other than that he says nothing. He’s allowing me to stay. He picks up the remote to his television and changes the channel. Then changes it again, and again, and again.

By now he’s skipped past every channel the cable company has to offer three times over, and he’s still doing it. I bite at the corner of my lip, it’s my habit. Kind of like person whose quitting smoking, they sometimes keep a rubber band on their wrist and every time they get the urge to light another one up the pull at the rubber band, the pain a reminder to not smoke.

Well my biting my lip is a reminder to not speak. To just shut my mouth and let him do what he’s doing. Unfortunately, just as the rubber band isn’t always as effective, nor is my biting of my lip.

“For God’s sake man, stop on a channel.” I bellow out.

“It’s my T.V. I can do what I want. Don’t like it then leave.” He bellows back.

He continues changing channel after channel, until he gives up and stops it on some news network. I zone out and think about what happened this morning, how much I’ll miss Rush and working with her, how much I’ll miss her family. I almost miss what he says as I’m lost in thought.

“What’s got you so down?”

I snap out of my train of thought and answer. “Nothing, I’m not down. I’m fine, great really.”

“Bullshit. Something’s got you down. Want to talk about it?” He grumbles.

“I’m good.” I say shortly.

“Come on, appease an old bedridden man. Entertain me, please.” He says nicely.

Fine.

I tell him about Rush first, how I’ve come to think of her as a younger sister. How I care for her, then I tell him about Zepp. How I’ve longed to meet him, and then eventually seduce him into caring about me, someday. I leave out the sordid details of what we did last night, I tell him how cold Zepp was toward me today and that I had no idea he was Rush’s older brother, that I never knew how she was injured. That I like a complete jackass planned to bring her swimming, one of her favorite things she told me she liked to do, not knowing that she was the way she was because she had drowned.

“He’ll get over it.” Is all he says.

That’s it? You want me to tell you why I’m in such a desolate mood and you just tell me he’ll get over it?

“Nope, afraid he won’t. He was livid, he fired me this morning. Doesn’t believe me when I said I didn’t know he was related to Rush. His parents never mentioned it nor did Rush. I never asked, I thought Rush was there only and decided not to have more children so they could care for her.”

It’s not like they had family pictures all over the house, their home felt like a home but it wasn’t personal. I figured they had a home that was their personal one, as they were always going out of town for Rush’s doctors’ visits. They’d tell me ahead of time so I knew not to stop by and they’d call me when they got home. And as attached as I was to Rush, as attached as I still am, I knew that I shouldn’t ask personal questions that don’t concern me. I enjoyed my time I spent with her, I didn’t want to lose it like I did today.

“Maybe he’s afraid of something, did you think about that?”

“No, what could he possibly be afraid of?”

“Look at it from his point of view, this guy is famous you said, right?”

“Yes, but what does that have to do with this?” I ask.

“Okay, so he’s famous, his sister isn’t well. She has serious health issues, she’s vulnerable. In his position, if anyone knew that he had a sister and what he health status was she could be targeted. Picked on, harassed, the same for him, people could go after his family. It wouldn’t be as easy to travel to appointments, or for his sister to enjoy life as much as she can. He’s probably afraid that after meeting you last night, knowing you had an interest in him, that you could expose his family. He’s protecting them, Red.”

“I guess I didn’t look at it that way, I took it that he just didn’t like me, that he wanted me gone because of what we did.”

“My suggestion for you, is that if you still want to be Rush’s friend, you find him and talk to him. He’s the patriarch of his family, and probably the only one who could let you back in. If you want to go back that is.”

I smile. Who knew that coming here to distract myself, would cause me to meet someone with wisdom.

“I think I will Mr. Fisher, thank you.”

“Anytime.”

I sit there for a moment longer, not wanting to just run out on the lonely guy/

“Are you going or what?” He asks, the grumpiness back in his tone like I’m bothering him.

“Yeah, I’m going. But not because you want me to, but because I have to. I’ll be back for you story soon though.” I wink at him and walk out.