Letting Go (Healing Hearts) (8 page)

No matter that Katia said she had forgiven her; Diane still felt the need to make up for her transgression. And she knew that if she showed up at one of the meetings, Katia would be very pleased. Right now pleasing her took precedence over meeting her own needs. She had to make things right between them.

Chapter 7

D
iane walked into her house, thrilled to finally be home. Before she even had a chance to remove her jacket, the phone rang. What a contrast from the prior week.

“Hello?”

“Diane? Where have you been?”

“Mother?” The last she heard her mother had been touring Europe for Thanksgiving.

“Of course. Who’d you think was calling? I’ve been trying to reach you for days.”

“I was just released from the hospital.”

“Why were you there?” Her mother’s voice sounded surprised. “Did you get the breast reduction surgery you were considering? You know I think that’s a bad idea.”

“No, Mother. I took too many pills.”

“You did what? Why would you do something stupid like that?”

“You really don’t get it, do you?”

“No. I don’t understand you. Never have. And what was that message you left about being sick? Did you have the flu, or were you lying to get attention again?”

“Mother, I wouldn’t lie. I don’t need attention. I need—just forget it.” Diane sighed. “I have . . . a tumor.” She held her breath, waiting for her mother to lose her composure, but somehow knowing she wouldn’t.

She heard a slight choking sound, but no further comment. She waited several moments for her mother to speak.

Silence screamed between them. Diane exhaled in little puffs, exasperated.

“Mother? Aren’t you going to say something?”

“But what about your hair?”

“What?”

Diane heard what sounded like a gasp. “From the chemo. That’ll make you look horrible.”

“I’m not doing that. Only radiation, if necessary. I may not have to do either if the tumor is benign.”

“Did they . . . are they going to have to cut you open?”

“What kind of question is that?”

“I just wondered if the doctors would ruin your beautiful skin.”

“They’ll have to operate to remove the tumor. The scar should be very small, according to the surgeon.”

“That’s . . . good. Where is it?”

“In my uterus.”

“Oh, Diane. That’s awful. I’m so disappointed.”

“Why? It’s not like I can help it.”

“I’d hoped for grandchildren. I told your father we should’ve had more children. But you were so difficult; he said I couldn’t handle more than one of you.”

“Mother! How can you say that? I already feel bad. You could lay off the guilt a little. I can always adopt. Besides, I don’t even know if I want to get married.”

“Every woman wants to get married.”

“No, Mother, not every woman. I have a career that keeps me plenty occupied.”

“A career won’t warm your bed at night, honey. You need a man.”

Diane grunted. “Whatever.”

“When are you scheduled for surgery?”

“Next Friday. My surgeon says it’s a fast-growing tumor, and that was the first date he had open. It’s already as big as a medium-sized orange. They said I’ll have to be out of work for about three to four weeks before the doctor will release me. I’ll be bored to tears at home so company would be nice.”

Her mother’s voice sounded tight. “Why does it have to be next weekend? I was hoping to come see you before Christmas. Is there any way you can reschedule?”

“No. Not without risking my health.”

Diane choked back tears. Surely her mother cared about her more than about her holiday plans. Mothers are supposed to care about their children. So why did her mother have to be so different?

“That’s too bad. I’ve been selected as one of the judges in the Junior Miss Beauty Pageant in Las Vegas that weekend. This year’s pageant is being filmed at the MGM Grande. I’ve already made the commitment. I can’t cancel at this late notice.”

Against her will, Diane’s eyes burned and her nostrils flared. Why did she always let her mother upset her? She knew what her mother was like, but it still hurt.

“It’s okay, Mother. I’ll be fine. I have plenty of friends and people to help me here. Don’t worry about a thing.” Her throat tightened.

Her mother cackled as if Diane had suggested the most stupid thing possible. “Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t need to worry about you. You’re young and beautiful and smart. And you’ve got a good head on your shoulders.”

That’s your problem, Mother. You never worried when you needed to. I couldn’t protect myself. You should’ve helped me. I need you now.

Her mother crooned, “Is there anything I can get you in Vegas, dear? Can I send you something in the mail, like a new outfit?”

“No, I have plenty of clothes. A gift won’t fix—never mind.” Diane exhaled with an exaggerated sigh. “I’m tired. Call me later, okay? Bye.”

“I’ll call you as soon as I can.”

Diane hung up the phone. “Sure, whatever,” she mumbled.

As swells of discouragement pounded her, something caught her attention, distracting her from her overwhelming desire to weep. It looked as if someone had put a sticky note on the fridge.

She crossed the kitchen and read, “Diane, if you need anything, call me. I hope to see you Wednesday. Enjoy the food. God bless you. Love, Katia.”

Opening the refrigerator door, she smiled. Katia had stocked it with fresh fruits, vegetables, and dairy products. Unfamiliar warmth filled Diane’s heart at such a simple act of kindness. At least one person in the world cared about her.

Then her smile melted into a frown. How could she deceive Katia and continue to act as if she had never attempted to seduce Ken? Her conscience pricked. She needed to confess what she had done.

*   *   *

“Thanks for coming over. There’s something we really need to talk about.” Diane tried to hold Katia’s gaze but had to glance away. Her wide, innocent eyes looked so trusting. Diane’s lungs constricted at the thought of destroying any chance of continuing friendship with her admission.

Perhaps it had been a mistake to invite Katia over. Informing her about the incident with Ken at the hotel might wreck the tender thread holding Ken and Katia’s relationship together. After all, nothing had happened. So why did she want to confess? Did she really want to lose the only friend she had in the world?

Sweeping her doubts away before she had a chance to further ponder the ramifications of her confession, Diane blurted out, “I asked you over because I need to apologize. You’ve been so nice to me. I can’t stand having this secret between us. I’d like us to be better friends, but until I make things right, I know I’ll always feel uncomfortable around you.”

“Okay, I’m listening,” Katia replied, gazing into her eyes.

Diane watched her friend swallow. Guilt weighed her down like a pack full of law books. “Please, don’t hate me when I tell you this.”

“You’re starting to scare me. Just tell me what’s bothering you.”

Katia clasped her hands together. Diane noticed a slight twitch.

“I . . . Oh, I can’t say it. This was a bad idea. I’m sorry. It was a mistake having you come over here.” Diane’s stomach ached and fear ripped the air from her lungs.

“No, it’s okay. I can take it. If you don’t tell me I’ll go crazy wondering what it could be. Would it help if I prayed for you first?”

Diane glanced at Katia’s hands reaching for hers. “Sure. Maybe that will help.”

“Okay. Dear Father God, Diane needs strength and peace to share what’s on her heart. Fill her with Your power. In Jesus’s name. Amen.”

Diane forced a smile as Katia gave her hands a gentle squeeze. The pinching sensation in her chest grew. She inhaled deeply and averted her gaze. When she exhaled, the words tumbled out of her mouth.

“I tried to get Ken to sleep with me last month when I ran into him at a hotel. I was desperate and hurting. Now I realize it was a mistake to do that. But I only tried because I’d heard you’d broken up.”

The hands gripping hers tightened but held on. Diane glanced up, fearing wrath, but glimpsed a compassionate smile tinged with sadness, which frightened her even more.

“I know. Ken told me last night. He said he thought you might say something to me and he wanted me to hear it from him first.”

“I’m glad he did. I’m so happy this didn’t come as a total shock to you.” Pulling her hands free, Diane wiped the sweat from her brow.

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that it didn’t shock me. Ken said nothing happened between you two, but I still cried my eyes out when he told me. It really hurt, Diane. I thought we were friends.” She pressed her lips together and drew a long breath. “What neither of us understands is why you did it. Can you tell me? Maybe if I knew what you were thinking, then it would make more sense.”

Diane wrapped her arms around her waist. “I thought I was pregnant. I went to Seattle for a conference, and when it ended I planned to tell my boyfriend about the baby. Before I had the chance to see him, I ran into a friend of his who didn’t know that I knew Randy. He showed me a picture of Randy with his wife. They had a baby girl. I was devastated, so since I’d heard that you two had broken up . . . well, I figured I . . . that I would try to sleep with Ken, and then maybe he would think the baby was his.”

Katia stood unmoving, her mouth gaping.

With the back of her hand, Diane brushed the tears from her cheeks. “I know it was awful of me to consider that, but I was desperate.”

“It was definitely terrible. I’ll give you that.” Katia’s eyes glazed over.

Diane choked out, “Ken’s a great guy, so I knew he wouldn’t abandon me and he would do the right thing. I just didn’t want to be a single mother. I’m so sorry.”

“I think I understand. Of course I’ll forgive you, Diane. I admit I’m relieved Ken resisted you. He’s a man, and he was hurting from our breakup. You’re a very beautiful woman.”

Katia offered her a tissue. Diane dabbed her eyes and blew her nose, trying to make sense of what she’d just heard. She rarely received compliments from women.

“But you’re beautiful too.”

“Thank you.” Katia touched Diane’s arm. “I’m sorry to hear about your surprise pregnancy. Is that why you ended up in the hospital?”

“Yes . . . and no. I tried to kill myself by taking a bottle of Valium and some other pills. But it wasn’t the pregnancy that made me suicidal. I found out I was never actually pregnant. I have a tumor growing inside my uterus, not a baby, and the tumor might be malignant. I’ll need a hysterectomy to remove it, and even then there is no guarantee I won’t need additional treatment.”

Katia stared, open mouthed again.

“Shocking, isn’t it? It had me completely flipped out.”

“Oh, my gosh. I’m so sorry.” Katia blinked back tears. “If there is anything I can do to help. Anything at all—”

Diane held a shaky palm to her mouth. Overcome by the kindness in Katia’s tone, she burst into tears.

Suddenly, Katia’s arms surrounded her, pulling her close. Such gentle arms. At first Diane felt awkward, and she stiffened, but eventually she relaxed as her friend’s embrace lingered. Gut-wrenching sobs welled up when she thought about the forgiveness Katia offered her. It was a gift she didn’t deserve. She didn’t understand such love. That knowledge humbled her.