Let Me Be the One (4 page)

“Please,” I came up close behind her and put my hands on
her waist, “please look at me.”

When she turned around I saw her eyes wet with tears that I wanted to kiss away.  She hung her head again, “
I think I shouldn’t have come back.  I can’t take another year like this.”

I wanted to scoop her up, take her to bed, and just hold her.  I lowered my face so that we were eye to eye and I cupped her chee
ks in my hands.  “No, Darcy.” 

These were the only words I could get out before Mac came running up behind us out of breath.  She took a step backing away from me then.  “Hey, there you are.  Why did you take off? He’s a douchebag, Darcy.  Don’t let him ruin the night.  Come o
n, let’s go hit another party.”

She flashed him a smile and said, “Thanks Mac, but I’m heading to bed.  That was enough drama for one night
for me.  Good night, guys.”

When she closed the door Mac honed in on me,
“What was going on there, bro?”

I felt my hands reflexively fist at my sides as I turned to him. “Stay away from her, Mac.”

He put his hands up, palms towards me, “Relax, Tom.  Are you with her?  If you are I’ll back off but if you’re not then don’t go pulling that same possessive shit that Nick does, ok?  I’ll ask you again, are you with her?”

I had nothing to say.  I shoved my hands in my poc
kets, just turned and walked away.

D
arcy

Another Sunday, another long run to process all the bullshit from the night before and another day cooking my problems away. 

Today Beth was my kitchen sidekick and roast chicken was on the menu.  She and I yapped while we made the stuffing, peeled the potatoes, and cut up the veggies. 

I really couldn’t eat much of the cafeteria food, it was greasy and gross.  But the real reason I did this was that having a big Sunday dinner reminded me of cooking in the kitchen at home with my mo
m and I was always happy there.

“So,” Beth started in cautiously, “are we going to talk about the massive brawl over you last night?  Oh, what I would give to have Mac and Nick slugging it out over me.  That was
hot
!”

“Really? That was so
not
hot Beth.”

“Darcy, Mac looked like he would have killed for you and he is seriously beau
tiful.  If I wasn’t with Marcus…oh what I could do with that boy.”

“You’re full of it, Beth.  You
love
Marcus.  But last night was just...I just want to fly under the radar. All of it…Nick…that last year. It was all too much.”

She looked at me wi
th understanding. “I hear you.”

Then, speak of the devil himself, Nick knocked once and then walked right in the door
like he owned the place.  He looked to me and then looked down at his sneaker that he was repeatedly digging into the carpet.  “Can I talk to you Darcy? I just want to apologize.” 

Beth stared at him, eyes wide.  She checked with me and when I nodded, she headed upstairs.  He sat down across from me and put his head down as he raked his hands through his hair.  “I
am
sorry, Darcy.  I fucked up again.”  He paused and then looked up at me, pleadingly. “I don’t want you to feel weird around me.  I want you to be happy but I still really want you to be happy
and
be with me.”  When I didn’t say anything he went on, “I know that’s not what you want but it’s still hard.”

I felt a mixture of
sadness and anger.  “Nick, I won’t do this anymore.  I feel bad that you’re hurting.  You know I’ll always care about you but we’re over.”

“S
eeing Mac all over you last night?  I wanted to tear his head off.  I’m trying Darcy, just please, do you have to be with
him
?  Couldn’t you go for someone who’s not my friend?”

No
, I gave myself a mental pep talk
, no one is going to control me anymor
e.  I stood up to let him know I was ending the conversation, “Nick, I’m not with Mac but you are
not
telling me who I can and can’t be with.  It’s been way over a year.  I’ve done my penance.  We share the same friends so I’m not promising that you won’t know who I get involved with.  I’m done tip-toeing around for you.”

He stood up and met my gaze as he moved closer to me. “Sounds like there already is someone.  You’re telling me you are
not
with Mac?”

He said it like he didn’t believe me;
he was challenging me, daring me.  And, I’d noticed, he’d gone from gentle and pleading to angry within the span of three minutes.  I was not doing this anymore.  I wanted to make sure he knew I wasn’t the same timid girl who ran away last year. I looked at him evenly, challenging him back as I said, “It’s not Mac but there
is
someone and you know him.  I’m not with him but I have feelings for him.”

He smirked and shook his head.  After a moment he said in a low voice, “If it’s not Mac then it’s Tom.  I see how he looks at you.”  When I staye
d quiet he raised his voice as he spat, “Seriously, Darcy, it has to be him, one of my best friends?”  When I didn’t answer again he looked at me with disgust. “Well prepare yourself, Darcy.  You’ll be one of many.  He’s a master bullshit artist.  I bet he’ll have you out of your panties in no time and then you’ll be just like every other girl he uses.  He’ll fuck you and then you’ll be nothing to him.”  He looked defeated and then shook his head, “I would never do that to you, Darcy.  I’d never treat you like that.”

“Get out,
Nick.”

After
a few tense moments of silence he turned, put his fist through the flimsy wall, and then practically took the door off the hinges on his way out.

Five minutes with Nick and
I’m sick to my stomach again.  I had that familiar nervous energy coursing through my veins.  My hands were shaking.  I needed to get in touch with Tom.  I’d seen Nick like this before and I knew a storm was heading Tom’s way.  I dialed Dan. “Hey, can you give me Tom’s number quick?”

He paused then answered
, “Sure, Darce.  Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Dan. I just need to tell him some
thing, kind-of right away.”

This was going to be awkward.  I nearly dropped t
he phone right as he answered. “Hello?”

“Hey Tom, it’s Darcy.”

“Well, to what do I owe this pleasure?” He had some sexy voice. “Are you calling to apologize for refusing to feed a starving, growing boy last week? I’m still fantasizing about how good that lasagna smelled.”

“Um,
no Tom,” I managed to laugh, “You have yet to earn my lasagna.  But seriously, I’m calling to tell you that Nick might be on his way to pummel you as we speak, so I just wanted to warn you.”

He said breezily, “I can ha
ndle him.  Why is he after me?”

“H
e came over to my place, we talked, it didn’t go very well, and he kind-of got the impression that I might be into you.”

He sounded amused, “You
might
be into me?  Hey now, that’s definitely worth getting pummeled for.”

I cringed as I said, “I’m about to die of sham
e and embarrassment right now.”

He laughed, “Well, thanks for the warning ‘caus
e here he comes.  Wait, Darcy?”

“What?”

“You’ve made my day.”

I don’t think I’ve ever smiled that wide.  Maybe I was setting myself up for heartbreak but I couldn’t stop myself from wanting him.  I hoped Tom
was
a changed man because I was a lost cause.  Just hearing his voice and hearing him say my name messed with my head.  Since that night we spent together talking over dinner last year, I would often find myself drifting off into daydreams about Tom.  They weren’t only centered around the two of us doing the deed; I also envisioned just being with him, being someone special to him.  But as I stared out the window then and absentmindedly stirred the gravy, I was thinking about him kissing me, touching me, taking me.

By typical standards, I would be considered pretty inex
perienced for a college senior.  Since my few very awkward and clumsy first experiences with my high school sweetheart, there had been a long dry spell in that department.  After high school, Matt and I stayed together through most of freshman year even though he was in Chicago and I was here.  In hindsight, I don’t know why we stuck it out that long; just took us a really long time to cut the cord. Sex with Matt was…underwhelming.  That first time, I gave in when he begged and then thereafter it was always hurried, vanilla, and unsatisfying.  The earth-shattering, body-rocking experience I’d hoped for just hadn’t happened. 

I’d assumed I’d be with Nick in that way but
our relationship imploded fairly quickly; I never felt that we got to the point of feeling enough love and trust towards one another for me to give myself to him.  I’d had plenty of opportunities for meaningless hook-ups along the way but I just couldn’t ever do that.  As a result, I was now a seriously sexually deprived twenty-one year old.

In my dreams, Tom always tells me he lov
es me before he touches me.  Yeah, I’m a hopeless romantic.  “You know I love you Darcy, right?” he whispers this in my ear as he presses into me, his front against my back.  I’m breathless and nod my head.  He trails a finger slowly from my wrist, all the way down my arm.  He puts one hand up my shirt and cups my breast while the other hand undoes the button and slides beneath the waistband of my jeans, beneath the lace, and straight to me.  He’s touching me as he grinds his hips into me.  I reach behind me and try to fumble with the button on his jeans and—then I come-to when I hear Beth stomping back down the stairs.  My cheeks are flushed and I have to lean against the counter for a minute until I can stand on my own again. 

There’s no relief.  I want him so badly.  Not just in that way, though.  I want all of him.  I want him to love me.

Tom

I was ready for him, “What’s up Nick?”

He stood less than a foot from me with his hands fisted at his side and a look of pure rage in his eyes. “I’m telling you to stay away from her, Tom.”

“Can’t.”

His jaw stiffened. “Did you fuck her?”

“Man, shut u
p.  She’s not like that to me.”

He laughed but it was more like a sneer, “She’s not like
that to you? How is she, Tom?”

“Nothing’s happened but I really like her, Nick.  I’m s
orry but I’m not staying away.”

I could tell Nick was thinking of his next move.  He thought better of going at me.  He knew he’d lose.  He glared at me
and then just turned and left.

I did feel bad about Nick but at the same time I was walking on air.  Hearing her sweet voice on the phone, knowing she was looking out for me, k
nowing she, how did she say it…“might be into me”?  It made me crazy happy and made me want to go right to her.

As I walked up to her place, the smell of whatever she was cooking wafted out through the kitchen window.  It overwhelmed me.  It smelled like home, warm and safe.  This time I was staying for d
inner.

I walked in the open door and saw her lifting a big bird out of the oven.  Even that was sexy when she did it.  After she set the pan on the counter, she reached up with the back of her hand to move a loose strand of hair from her face.  I just stood there watching.  She had her back to me.  She was barefoot, wearing some workout pants and a form-fitting tee.  I could see every curve of her body.  She was so beautiful.  More beautiful
than any woman I’d ever seen.

I finally broke the silence, “Hey, Darcy.”  When she turned around I put one palm up and continued, “Don’t say anything.  Just let me get this out.”  After a deep breath I went on, “I haven’t really thought about anyone but you since that day with Nick when we hung out in the cafeteria.  I’ve spent the last year thinking about you.  I’m trying to figure out how to show you that I’ve changed but I think I’m failing at that. 
I just want a chance with you.”

She let out a long breath. “How long
have you been standing there?”

“I like watching you.”

She looked determined.  I wanted to go right to her but the look on her face kept me in my place.  “Have you changed, Tom? When I saw all those girls around you that last weekend…,” she trailed off.  She shook her head and looked down as she went on, “I can’t do that.  I don’t want any girls flirting with you, touching you, kissing you,” she met my eyes then and said evenly, “or screwing you. If it’s me then it’s only me.”

“It’s only you.”

“I want to believe that.”

I moved in and leaned down to press my forehead to hers, “It’s only you.”

Darcy

After dinner, Tom and I sat on the back steps and talked for over an hour.  Yes, he was totally
handsome beyond words and everything, but I also really liked the person he was.  I had my reservations but from Dan, I knew there was more to him than the rugby playing, fun-loving, man-whore everyone thought they knew.  Tom was known among the guys as a good friend who would do anything for you.  I just
really
liked him.

As we sat there in the warm air of that early fall night, Tom told me about his parents and three brothers, where he grew up, high school stories, and his dream of eve
ntually joining his father’s firm and making a name for himself on Wall Street.  He laughed easily and it made me happy just being near him.  When we talked about my family, he commented on the picture of me as a baby sitting in my mother’s lap that hung in our living room.  “I can’t believe you remember that.”

He shrugged, “Of course I remember.  I don’t mean for this to sound creepy but I remember thinking how beautiful your mom is and that
you look exactly like her now.”

I tried my best to hold back a tear as I was smiling, “Thanks. I actually love
hearing that I look like her.”

“I’m sorry,”
he said, looking confused. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No! I love that picture too.  It’s just…you don’t know, um, it’s one of the last pictures of the two of us togeth
er before she died.”

“Shit
, Darcy, I didn’t know.  I’m so sorry.”

“Please don’t be sorry.  I tell very few people about it because they usually act so weird and
then don’t know what to say to me.  And really, I’m fine.  I think the hard part for me is that she died when I was so young that I don’t remember her at all.  I had just turned two.  The
not
knowing her is what hurts, you know?  Missing someone you really never had the chance to know.”

He took my hands in his but looked away and was quiet for a minute.  When he looked back, his eyes were sad. “I always say that I have three brothers.  I mean, I do, but Charlie, the one who was closest in age to me, died when he was eleven and I was thirteen.  I don’t bother telling most people either because I…sometimes I just
don’t want to tell the story.”

I leaned over and kissed his cheek and then we just sat there quietly holding hands.  He broke the silence, “Charlie died of leukemia.  Do you min
d me asking how your mom died?”

“No, it’s ok.  She died in a car accident.  My parents loved to ski.  My dad worked long hours at the hospital back then but whenever they could get away for a few days we headed up to a little ski house they had in upstate New York.  My mother was just taking a quick trip to the store to get something she needed for dinner our first night there and, um, she didn’t make it back.  There was some ice on the road and a driver in the opposite lane swerved and hit her head-on.  My dad said she died instantly.”  When I saw his sad look I shook my head, “Like I said, I don’t remember any of it.  I do get sad sometimes thinking of how it must have been for Caleb and Luke.  Sometimes I’ll see a family with boys who look about the same age they would have been at the time, just seven and nine, and I’m overcome thinking about how scared t
hey must have been that night.”

“Shit, Darcy.  I can’t imagine your dad trying to cope wi
th that and three little kids.”

“Yeah, I know.  I mean we definitely went through some tough times, my brother Caleb really struggled for years, but I don’t remember my home as a somber, sad place growing up.  My house was always filled with music, a lot of laughing, and there were always a lot of people around.  My grandparents were there in shifts to
help out my dad.  And then Dad married Sarah.  I call her Mom too.”

Realization dawned on his face, “Oh yeah, I saw a
nother woman in the family pictures.  Dark hair, really pretty but didn’t look like you.”

Thinking of her made me smile. “Yeah, Sarah’s great.  I absolutely adore her.  I always think she was an angel my mom sent to our family.”  Before I could think it through I asked, “Hey my
father has a conference in Boston in a few weeks.  They’re coming here the night before it to take me out.  Come with me and you can meet them.”  As soon as I said the words I wanted to suck them right back in.  I covered my face, laughing but kind of mortified.  “Oh God, sorry, that was so weird!  I just asked you to meet my parents and we’re not even dating.  Please forget I just asked you that!”

He laughed and grabbed my hands back in his, “No way! Now I’m definitely coming.  You can’t take that back!  And you already met my
parents, so now we’ll be even.”

That night, as I was trying to get to sleep, I couldn’t stop thinking about him.  I felt like he’d shared something so private with me when he told me about his brother and I felt like it was just natural to tell him about my mother. 

Other people wouldn’t understand why I was typically reluctant to bring it up but he did.  It just defined you to other people and I resented that.  When I was younger I was “the p
oor girl whose mom had died”.  I’d hear teachers talking about me that way, other kids’ mothers; it brought the sadness on all over again.  Now that info was strictly on a need-to-know basis; if you weren’t very close to me then you didn’t need to know.  But as for Tom? I wanted him to know everything about me.

Tom

I couldn’t sleep that night.  I wanted her with me.  Not in that way, though.  I wanted to take her home with me, curl her up in my arms, and just hold onto her.  My heart sank when she told me about her mother.  From the first day I met Darcy, for reasons I can’t explain, I just felt really protective of her and didn’t want anything to hurt her.  I didn’t want her to suffer in any way. 

My thoughts
drifted back to Charlie.  I thought of Charlie in the hospital and then lying in bed at home, so sick and weak from the endless rounds of treatment.  Towards the end, his face white as a sheet, his body so tired as he labored to breathe. 

Charlie and I were close in age and always together.  There were six years between Charlie and Brendan and then one year between Brendan and Terrence; we were the “big brothers” and they were “the babies”. 

When Charlie got sick I prayed every night that I could take it from him.  I thought I was stronger and could beat it easier than he could.  I always thought I was invincible.  I barely made it through school those two years while he was sick.  I couldn’t concentrate and I pressed my parents into letting me take days off so that I could be at the hospital with him or sit home by his bedside reading to him.  When he died there was a long stretch where I didn’t think I’d ever be happy again. 

Darcy and I had something rare and awful in co
mmon.  Knowing that she understood that kind of loss made me feel closer to her, like she could really, truly know me.  There weren’t many people who did.