Lead Me Not (34 page)

“I’ll say. I always wanted to know more about cars. It’s tough being a girl and dealing with mechanics. They see a female and think they can charge double,” I said, staring down into the car. It looked like a mess of metal and dirt to me.

Maxx came up beside me and pointed. “Well, that’s the engine,” he teased. I elbowed him in the gut and he grunted.

“Smart-ass,” I muttered.

“Pull up a chair, Aubrey, and watch. We’ll turn you into a gearhead in no time,” Landon promised, smiling in that way of his that was so much like his brother’s. The two of them together wreaked havoc on my heart.

Landon turned on a small radio, and the boys started working together under the hood of the Mustang. I watched them, amazed at how deftly they maneuvered around the insides of the car.

They laughed and joked, and the atmosphere in the garage was cheerful.

Until a diesel truck pulled into the driveway, the engine gunning in warning.

Landon looked up at the sound and started hastily putting tools away. Maxx’s shoulders tensed, and his jaw stiffened. He started to help Landon clean up, purposefully not looking toward the figure coming our way.

“It’s about damned time you came by,” the voice called out. I looked from Maxx to the man who was approaching. As he got closer I was surprised to see an older version of Maxx and Landon.

Their uncle David was a good-looking man, if a bit on the paunchy side. He looked to be in his midthirties and walked with a confident swagger that reminded me a lot of Maxx.

But it was clear there was no love lost between David and his older nephew. Maxx gave his uncle a look of disgust as he entered the garage. David sneered down at the Mustang, kicking a tire with the toe of his boot.

“I don’t know why you bother with this piece of shit. You’ll never get it running,” he mocked nastily. Landon deflated a bit, and I wanted to smack the hateful smile off David’s face.

Landon continued to clean up, but he seemed to shrink in on himself. “I told you to keep this place neat and tidy; otherwise I’ll have this fucking car towed out of here,” David warned, knocking over a pile of boxes.

“Sorry, Uncle David. I’ll clean it up,” Landon replied hastily.

Maxx held his arm out to stop his brother from rushing over to pick up the boxes. “Landon didn’t make the mess, David. Why don’t you move your fat ass and do it yourself?” he growled.

David’s face turned red, and then his attention shifted in my direction. His dull blue eyes swept up and down my body, his lip curled in a lascivious grin. “Is this pretty piece of pussy an early birthday gift?” David asked. His blatant interest made me want to take a shower.

“Don’t talk about my girl like that,” Maxx snarled, grabbing my arm and pulling me behind him.

David laughed. “There’s no way you can hang on to a piece of ass like that, Maxxy.” David inclined his head in my direction. “A word of advice, baby, ditch the limp dick and find yourself a real man.” David licked his lips, and I shuddered in revulsion.

Maxx made a choking noise in the back of his throat, and for a brief moment I thought things were going to turn gladiator. David and Maxx stared each other down, neither giving an inch.

I gripped Maxx’s arm, digging my nails into his flesh, trying to stop him from what he seemed about to do. Finally, he looked at me. “We need to leave now before I take a crowbar to his thick skull,” Maxx snarled through clenched teeth.

He turned to his brother, who was picking up the boxes David had knocked over. “We’ve got to go, Landon. I’ll call you in a few days,” Maxx promised, his face regretful.

Landon nodded but didn’t lift his head as we left. Maxx pushed past his uncle, who reached out to grab his arm.

Maxx wrenched out of his grasp. “Keep your fucking hands off me,” Maxx snarled. David lifted his hands in surrender and chuck
led a little nervously.

“I hope you left me some cash. Things have been a little tight around here.” David’s words were mild but clearly threatening as his eyes darted back to Landon, who was still cleaning up the mess his uncle had made.

The position Maxx found himself in as a result of his uncle was all too clear. David used Landon to get what he wanted from Maxx. And Maxx loved his brother too much to say no. How easy it had been for me to condemn his life at Compulsion; I hadn’t understood his motivations.

This
was his motivation.

Maxx pulled out his wallet and threw two hundred-dollar bills onto the sidewalk before grabbing me by the arm again and pulling me after him.

“Thanks, Maxxy!” David called out, and I looked over my shoulder one last time to see the older man crouched down, picking the money up off the ground and Landon standing just inside the garage, watching us leave.

I lifted my hand to say good-bye, and Landon waved back. My stomach twisted in knots at leaving the younger boy by himself with his uncle. I could only imagine how Maxx felt each and every time he had to go home.

“Get in!” Maxx said gruffly, holding the door open for me. His entire body was trembling, and his eyes were manic.

I scrambled inside. Maxx slammed the door shut behind me before getting in the car. He pounded his fists on the steering wheel and yelled. It was a deep, painful sound that made me want to touch him, to comfort him. But something told me my actions wouldn’t be well received right now.

In quick, jerky movements, he started the engine and pulled away from the curb, not bothering to look for oncoming traffic.

“I hate that fucker!” Maxx howled, jerking the car right, then
left, as he began the drive back to his apartment.

“I’m going to fuck that bastard up one day! When Landon doesn’t have to live there anymore, he’s going to find himself at the bottom of a seven-foot hole,” Maxx raged, swerving in and out of traffic.

My heart was beating wildly in my chest. I was worried about us getting back to the apartment in one piece. But I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of his anger.

And something told me he wouldn’t hear anything I had to say anyway.

Once we got back to the apartment, I hurried to follow Maxx up the stairs. He didn’t wait for me.

He headed straight for his bedroom, not stopping to turn on lights or even to take off his jacket. The Maxx he had been earlier that morning was gone.

Maxx pulled out the drawer of his bedside table, sending it crashing to the floor. He fell to his knees and picked up the brown bottle that he always kept there but that I had hoped he’d never need again.

All the warm, fuzzy feelings I had been enveloped by earlier disappeared into a mixture of distress and revulsion as I watched Maxx shake several pills into his palm, then put them in his mouth. They made a sickening crunch as he smashed them between his teeth.

Then he shook out a few more, and they followed the first lot down his throat.

It was then that he looked up and realized I was still there.

“Go home, Aubrey,” he said tiredly, getting to his feet so he could fall onto his bed.

“Why?” I couldn’t help asking. I wasn’t sure what my question meant. Why did he let his uncle get to him like that? Why had his first instinct been to come home and get loaded? Why couldn’t he turn to me when he was upset? Why was I always competing with
the bitch at the bottom of that bottle? He said he needed me, that he wanted
me
! But what did he turn to when things got rough?

Why couldn’t I be enough?

Maxx shook his head, putting an arm over his eyes. “Just go home,” he repeated dully.

And with a sad resignation, I left him, unable to watch as he fell down the dark pit he seemed determined to throw himself into.

chapter

twenty-three

maxx

i
wished Aubrey could be enough.

And even though I couldn’t stay away from her and even though I wanted to be with her all the time, I couldn’t let myself depend on her completely.

Why
couldn’t
I allow myself to turn to her when I was at my lowest, when I fell down and smashed into pieces?

I was a man split in two. And the part of me that craved Aubrey was fighting the part of me that craved something else entirely.

When Aubrey and I were together, I didn’t hear the noise in my head. My body didn’t ache with the cravings I had become so familiar with. I couldn’t think about anything but losing myself in her.

She was my balm. And while she was with me, her hands, her lips, her smile, her laugh were the only drugs I wanted.

Until the anger took over. Then I needed something more than Aubrey’s calm to erase the raging inside me.

And when Aubrey would leave,
she
took her place.

She
didn’t like to be ignored.
She
howled in my brain and twisted my body in her rage.
She
needed to be appeased before she ate me alive.

In those desperate moments, I was only too happy to give in. It was as though the hours with Aubrey were a dam, and when she was gone, the waters were released, sweeping me away without
mercy. It hurt to resist. So I didn’t.

I used to need only one pill to get high. Then it was two. Then three.

Now it was four pills until I was experiencing the kind of bliss that easily replaced everyone and everything.

And for a time, even Aubrey.

They were at war against each other, Aubrey and the drugs. Both had a claim on me. I needed both. But they couldn’t coexist.

I had to hide the drugs from Aubrey. I had to be careful. I understood that, given what had happened to her sister, she hated them. She was as straight-edged as they came.

She didn’t understand that it was my choice to use. That
I
dictated when and how much I took. That being high was the greatest form of control I had in my life.

I wished things could have been as easy as holding Aubrey’s hand and skipping off into the sunset of our happily ever after. I really wanted that.

But I had responsibilities. Landon relied on me. My uncle used me. Gash and the club had me by the nuts if I didn’t do my job. And the drugs . . . they owned me. They were my key out of the prison. And even the promise of Aubrey wasn’t enough for me to throw that key away. My heart wanted to, but my mind wouldn’t let me.

So I kept
her.

We all had our secrets, and the pills were mine.

And I was Aubrey’s.

She was terrified we’d be found out. She agonized over the consequences of being with me. Without realizing it, she had turned me into something ugly and shameful. And I couldn’t even blame her for that, because I already felt those things about myself.

But when Aubrey kissed me, when I was inside her, I could pretend I was enough.

She told me I was perfect, that I was smart and worthy. She tirelessly worked on building me up so that I would never have the temptation to fall.

When we were together, I believed it all. But when she left, I doubted, at least until I was with
her
again.

I’d put the pills between my teeth and smile while I swallowed my self-destruction.

Is there any better feeling than knowing that every pain, every hurt, every disgusting, guilt-ridden thought could be erased . . . just . . . like . . . that?

I wasn’t expecting Aubrey until after her evening class. I had roughly five hours to kill before I had to be sober. So I decided to use the time wisely. I found the bag of oxy in my dresser drawer and shook four pills out onto my palm.

I took a quick inventory of my supply. I’d have to double my price for the remaining pills to make up the difference. I should have been more worried about using the drugs that I was meant to sell.

The beating I’d received from Gash and Vin had been the warning. I wouldn’t be lucky enough to walk away next time. Marco had ripped me a new asshole a few days after I had recovered. He was pissed as hell and feeling paranoid that our other side venture would be discovered because I was being sloppy.

My drugs wouldn’t take only me down, but Marco as well. We had been skimming a cut of the door profits for over three months now. It was not enough to be noticeable, but over time it was a good bit of cash.

I wasn’t alone in my stupidity. Marco was right there with me. Greed was as much a high as the drugs. The adrenaline rush from slipping the money in our pockets was almost as addictive as the pills.

Gash was already onto me since the money from my sales
didn’t equal the supply I was given. I should have been smart enough to cover my tracks. It was a moronic move, one that I would eventually pay for.

But now I’d have to toe the line and not give Gash or his trained monkeys any reason to doubt I was doing my job. And that would keep Marco’s nose clean and far away from Gash’s fist.

My head lolled on the back of the couch, my arms heavy and my head thick. I’d worry about selling the rest of the bag over the weekend.

I wondered whether Aubrey would expect some sort of boyfriend crap. I’d been inside her, laid my heart on the ground at her feet, yet I never knew what to do around her. She had me second-guessing everything.

God, when had I become such a chick about this shit?

I still had things I had to do, and as much as I wanted to spend all of my time with Aubrey, that couldn’t happen.

Now that I was thinking about her, I couldn’t stop. Even as fucked-up as I was—unable to move my limbs, my body weighted down, and stoned out of my mind—my heart slammed madly in my chest at the memory of her face. A goofy smile stretched my lips as I thought about how easy it was to be myself around her, the person I had almost forgotten how to be.

“Yo, Maxx, let me in!” a voice yelled from the other side of the door, followed by a pounding that rattled my skull.

There was no way I was getting my ass up off the couch. Fuck whoever wanted in. They needed to take a number.

I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the persistent knocking.

“I will kick this door down if you don’t open up!” the voice threatened.

Fuck me, chill out already.

I slowly got to my feet and sluggishly made my way to the door.