Authors: Erlend Loe
Lazy Days
(Unfortunately a small dog was hurt while I was working on this book, but it received treatment fairly quickly and is now doing well, all things considered.)
Dear Angela & Helmut Bader
We are a family with three kids (5, 8
and 14 years) who are planning a holiday
in Garmisch-Partenkirchen, and we saw
your holiday house on the internet. We
plan to arrive on the 30th of June and
would like to stay until the first of
August. Is the house available in this
period (or close to it) and what is the
price? We are looking forward to your
answer.
Yours sincerely
Nina Telemann, with family
Hello Telemann available yes the price
65 Euro pro night, the children for free
I know your Imail unfortunately do not
read backwards to write it me please on
English Yours sincerely Fam Bader
Hello Fam Bader. We did not totally
understand your last e-mail, but we are
interested in renting the house. How
should we pay you?
Nina Telemann
Hello Fam. Thank you for your Imail It
makes us happy you by 1. july to remain
wants. Our address reads Helmut and
Angela Bader Ludwigstrasse 5, Mixing
Part Churches. Our bank account: District savings
bank mixing part churches Big Byladem 1
gap iban/de xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. We are
pleased also you and wish you up to then
a beautiful time. Fam Bader
Hello again. We have now paid the
deposit. The payment was made from my
husband’s account. His name is Telemann.
We and our children are looking forward
to staying in your house. Do we go
straight to the house or should we
contact you somewhere else? We are not
sure yet about what time we will arrive
on first of july, but if you need to
know you could perhaps give us a phone
number so that we can send you an SMS or
call you.
Nina Telemann
Hello Fam Telemann Thank you for your
Imail They come on Wednesday to us to
mixing part churches. They can drive directly to
the holiday house, we live directly
beside it. Here they get then the keys.
Can they say to us when you approx in
mix will arrive? None should be at home,
call the Handyno. xxxxxxxxxxxxx. We look
forward to you. Large Fam Bader
Do you have to smoke in here?
Yes.
But the weather’s so nice outside.
Darling, it might not have occurred to you, but here we are on holiday in Germany yet again, a country you adore but which I don’t, and this time, would you believe it, you have brought us to the very cradle of Nazism, and in return the deal is that I can smoke wherever I want.
Not in the car.
No, not in the car. But we’re not in the car now, are we.
I don’t know how the Baders would feel about you smoking in their house.
Do you mean Large Fam Bader?
Stop it, will you. They must have written Grüsse, which means ‘Kind regards’, and the translation software changed it to ‘Large’, but the family isn’t large, there’s just the two of them, and actually I think she’s rather upset that they don’t have any children.
What makes you think that?
You sense that sort of thing.
I think it’s just as well. Horror of horrors, imagine growing up in Mixing Part Churches.
The town isn’t actually called Mixing Part Churches. And stop making fun of the translation software!
Don’t you think it’s funny that the Baders don’t speak a word of English?
No, I don’t.
Not even a bit funny?
No.
Not even the fact that they don’t react to the software changing Garmisch-Partenkirchen to Mixing Part Churches?
No. And it’s quite unreasonable of you to call this the cradle of Nazism.
I agree it’s a little unreasonable, but it’s not so wide of the mark.
There’s not one German alive today responsible for what happened back then.
True enough.
Are you intending to smoke when the children come in?
Basically, yes.
Nina Telemann. 43 years old. Teacher of Norwegian at advanced level. Short-sighted. Glasses four centimetres thick. Well, one centimetre. But that’s quite thick, too.
Bror Telemann. 42 years old. Stage director at the National Theatre.
Dreams of writing a play himself one day. A helluva good one. Which sets the standard. Excellent eyesight. Alcohol problems? Nooo. Not really.
Do you think Mixing Part Churches is the type of place people lock up their kids, or others’ kids, in the cellar for twenty-four years and rape them three thousand times?
That’s enough.
No, but do you think so?
Stop that now.
For Christ’s sake, no harm speculating.
Stop it.
You don’t think this is a hub for that sort of practice then?
No.
So, those things don’t happen here?
I don’t think so.
So, we just let the kids run about on their own?
I think so.
Good.
Mixing Part will tear us apart.
What did you say?
Nothing.
You said something. I heard it.
If you absolutely want to know I thought I was on my own, humming an old tune and without thinking I switched one word in the chorus to Mixing Part and that’s about all there is to it.
Fine.
Actually, it happens quite a lot, I think I’m on my own in a room and then it turns out you’re here, too. You’re a quiet sort, you are.
So are you.
You mean we’re both quiet sorts.
Yes.
Did you buy any red wine?
It’s on the worktop in the kitchen.
But, darling, this is German wine.
I don’t like you calling me ‘darling’.
I thought we loved each other.
Of course we do.
So what’s the problem?
You say ‘darling’ when you’re annoyed, imagining that your on-the-surface friendly tone will give the impression that your aggression is subdued and under control. But the effect is quite the opposite. It has nothing to do with your love for me, even though you may think so.
I want wine, Nina, not a discussion about you and me.
The wine’s on the worktop.
But this is German red wine.
Yes. So?
I can’t drink German red wine.
Can’t you?
No, I can’t.
Why don’t you open the bottle and try it?
No.
Why not?
Because I can’t.
Alright. I still feel I’ve kept my end of the deal.
When does the Lidl in Olympiastrasse close?
No idea.
I thought you adored this country and had its customs down pat.
I do.
But you don’t know when the Lidl in Olympiastrasse in Mixing Part Churches closes?
No, I don’t. And it’s not called Mixing Part Churches.
Good night.
Good night.
Bror?
Mhm?
I know it’s a bit intimate and not something we normally talk about, but couldn’t you tell me about one of your sexual fantasies?
No.
Go on.
Now, do you mean?
Yes.
No.
Why not?
I don’t want to.
Do you think it’s embarrassing?
No, not embarrassing exactly, but…
Come on.
I haven’t got any.
What?
I haven’t got any sexual fantasies.
Everybody has.
Not me.
Of course you have.
I haven’t.
You used to have.
Used to, yes.
You’ve stopped having them then, have you?
Yes.
What do you think about then?
I don’t know. All sorts of things. The theatre. Basically I think mostly about the theatre.
Do you never look at me and sort of undress me with your eyes if I’m standing in a sexy pose, for example.
Don’t think so.
What about other women?
No. I think about the theatre.
What about Nigella?
I’ve never thought about her in that way.
Do you really mean that?
Yeah.
Telemann, you’re beginning to worry me.
Oh yeah. Good night.
Now I
am
worried.
You’re so quiet today.
I thought you said we were both quiet sorts.
Yes, but today you’re especially quiet. Is there something the matter?
I don’t think so.
There is something the matter. What is it?
I don’t know.
Is it what we were talking about last night?
No.
I bet it is.
I’m not thinking about what we talked about last night, Nina. I’m not.
What are you thinking about then?
I’m not sure. Theatre maybe.
Rubbish. You’re not thinking about the theatre.
OK.
Do you want to tell me what you’re actually thinking?
No.
Not at all?
No.
I’ve got to get to the bottom of this, Telemann. Sorry, but now I really have to insist.
Right.
Is it about the play you want to write, but have never got going with, even though you claim to think about it all the time?
No.
Is it about me?
No
About the children?
No.
About Heidi? Are you annoyed because she plays so much tennis?
Good God no. She can play as much tennis as she wants – at any rate so long as she’s fully aware it’s you pushing her and not me.
I don’t think I’m pushing her.
Are you kidding? You spend every minute buying sports gear and organising training sessions and competitions and diets.
But she wants to get to the top, doesn’t she.
Yes, that’s what she says. But where does this ambition come from, do you think?
Actually it was you we were talking about. We were saying you were particularly quiet, and I was trying to find out why. Is it something to do with Germany?
No.
Not at all?
No.
Not about Bavaria being the cradle of Nazism?
No.
OK, I give up.
Great.
Just a mo. Has it got anything to do with Nigella? You’re not answering me, but I’m absolutely positive it’s about Nigella. It’s her, isn’t it. I know it is. You don’t need to say anything, Telemann, I can see it in your face.