“No, it’s okay. I
just don’t talk about it much.”
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,”
I assured him.
“I can talk about it. With you, I can talk about it,” he said
, smiling up at me. I smiled back, flattered that he felt comfortable enough with me to open up.
“I’m a pretty good listener, or so I’ve been told,” I said to him and he seemed
to relax.
“I don’t really know what happened with my parents. I hardly even remember my mom. She left when I was around two and my dad never talks about her. I think she was an addict or something from what I’ve gathered. I’ve been told my dad met my mom at a strip club where she worked.” I could feel my eyes growing bigger at his words.
“Yeah, pretty impressive, huh? My mother, the stripper. I’m so proud.” I didn’t quite know what to say, so instead, I patted his arm reassuringly. “I guess being a mom wasn’t exactly her thing, so she left. She just up and left and the funny thing is, I’m not sure my parents are even divorced or not.”
“What?
” I asked quietly in disbelief.
“Yeah.
She just took off. We never heard a word from her again. I know my dad went to court and stuff, but I don’t think the divorce is official because she hasn’t signed anything. Pretty twisted, huh?”
“Yes, very twisted,” I agreed quietly, unable to comprehend how a mother could just abandon her family.
“I try not to be mad at her, but it’s kinda hard not to be. I mean, do you have any idea what it feels like to be unwanted by your own mother?” His voice was a mixture of sadness and anger and my heart ached for him. Jesse was such a great guy. He always seemed so lighthearted and fun loving and deep down he had all this hurt bottled up inside of him. “I mean, I could understand if I’d actually done something to make her hate me, but what can a two-year-old do to make their mother hate them?”
I looked up at him and I thought his eyes were moist, but he turned away too quickly before I could be sure. I knew I needed to do something though
, so I moved closer to him and I nervously put my arms around him.
“You didn’t do anything
,” I whispered as I hugged him. “You know it’s not your fault.”
“L
ogically I know that,” he said quietly and we sat together for a few moments not saying anything. “Alright then,” he said, his voice suddenly turning upbeat. “Enough of that crap. I didn’t mean to dump all that on you.”
“You didn’t dump anything on me,” I reassured him. “You’re my friend. That’s what friends do.”
He raised his gaze so his eyes were staring into mine and suddenly all I could hear was the gentle sound of his breath.
“
That’s right. You’re my friend…my good friend, Riley,” he said quietly. His words came out unhurried and he slowly leaned in to me. His hand reached up and I felt his fingertips brush my cheek. He was cradling my face gently with his hands and I found myself wanting to be closer to him. Before I knew what was happening, our lips brushed tenderly. His kiss was warm and sweet and I couldn’t move, and part of me didn’t want to even as he carefully pulled back, separating us. I felt his hands release my face and I slowly opened my eyes to meet his. We stared at each other for what seemed like forever. He was smiling shyly. I smiled too, and then I heard my cell phone ringing from my pocket, causing reality to come crashing down on us. I recognized the ring tone…it was Alex. I stared down at phone and then up at Jesse again. I didn’t know what to say to him and the silence between us was uncomfortable. The phone continued to pierce the quiet until I finally found my voice.
“What are you doing?” I exclaimed softly
. I glared over to him as hurt washed over his face. “Why’d you do that? You know I’m with Alex. How could you do that? What’s wrong with you, Jesse?” I demanded, finally silencing the ringer when I could no longer stand the sound of it.
“
I’m sorry. It just…it just…I wanted to kiss you. I thought maybe you wanted it too.”
“Well, I didn’t and I think I should go home,” I said
, quickly standing up and practically sliding down the ladder until I was on solid ground again. I walked over to the mule and sat down and waited for Jesse. I thought he’d come right away, but I waited for what seemed like an eternity until I heard him coming down the ladder. His footsteps were slow as he approached the mule and got inside. He didn’t say anything before he turned the ignition and headed back to the house. We didn’t say a word to each other during the ride back.
“I’m gonna go inside and get my things,” I said quietly when he pulled the mule to a stop. I got out and walked quickly into Jesse’s room where I collected my backpack. He grabbed his keys and wallet off the desk and we walked in silence back to his Wagoneer. We got inside and a second later we were driving back to town. He reached over and turned on the radio and an unfa
miliar country song filled the car. I deliberately kept my eyes straight ahead during the drive home, not ready to talk to him about it yet.
When he stopped in front of my house
we still hadn’t spoken a word to each other. I picked up my bag and opened the door.
“We’ll uh…we’ll finish the project later,” I said quickly, s
till refusing to look at him.
“Okay,” he said in his usual deep, sweet voice that suddenly sounded
so different to me.
Chapter Twenty
I wanted to call Mandy and tell her I couldn’t go dress shopping the next day, but I knew I couldn’t. I had to go on as if everything was normal. Things were just too weird though and I didn’t know what to do. I did my best to push what had happened between me and Jesse to the back of my mind, but it was nearly impossible. I half-expected him to call so we could talk about it, but then I figured my reaction would keep him at bay. Maybe we’d never have to talk about it. Maybe it was just something that happened and we could forget about
it, mostly because I wanted to forget about it. I wanted to forget how it’d made me feel. Maybe we’d silently come to an understanding that it was something that was never to be spoken of again. Whatever happened, I had to put it aside and pretend it hadn’t happened because I’d be spending the day with my girlfriends and this was definitely something they couldn’t know about.
Mandy picked me up around noon. Laura and Holly were already with her. We drove to the mall and I think I did an excellent job of acting totally normal. I never once led on that I’d kissed Jesse as we looked at different dresses. And as I tried on each dress, I could feel the excitement building inside me for th
e dance. I was thinking less and less about what had happened between Jesse and me. I couldn’t wait to spend the evening with Alex. Alex…just saying his name made me relax. He couldn’t find out about me and Jesse. He meant too much to me and I couldn’t jeopardize that.
I loved the dress I ended up picking out. It was made of red satin and it hung to the floor. It had a plunging heart-shaped neckline and the straps clasped around my neck. I was anxious to see what Alex thought about it and something told me he’d like it.
Mandy dropped me off around dinner time and when I walked in, my mom had left a note saying she had taken my grandma to play bingo at the VFW and that they’d be home around nine o’clock. I had to admit I was a little disappointed to walk into an empty house because I wanted to show them my dress. I shrugged my shoulders though and realized that my little fashion show would have to wait.
I went to my room and hung the dress in my closet before heading back downstairs to make myself a bite to eat. I decide
d to make macaroni and cheese, but as I was waiting for the water to boil, my phone rang. I was relieved to hear it was Alex and not Jesse. I’d ignored Alex’s call last night when I’d been kissing Jesse and had never called him back. It’s not that I hadn’t wanted to call him back, I just wasn’t ready to talk to him. I wasn’t even sure if I was ready to talk to him now, but I had to pick it up before he got suspicious.
“Hey babe,” his voice rang through the receiver and I felt my smile spread from ear to ear.
“It’s so good to hear your voice,” I told him.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. I’m fine. I just miss you.”
“I miss you too. I
tried calling you last night.”
“You did?” I asked
, trying to play dumb.
“Yeah, but it w
ent to your voicemail.”
“Really?
That’s strange. I never heard the phone and I didn’t see a missed call from you,” I said, continuing to lie. “I’m sorry.”
“No worries,” he said. “I was beginning
to think you were avoiding me.”
“You know I
wouldn’t do that. In fact, I thought you were avoiding me,” I said playfully.
“I’d have to be crazy to ignore you,” he said and I felt my cheeks blush. “I haven’t seen you since yesterday at school. That’s too long.”
“Way too long.”
“I can come over. Want me to?
”
“Yes. I’d love that,” I said
, without having to think about it
“Excellent. I’ll be over in a few,” and with that
, the phone was quiet.
I decided to nix the macaroni and cheese, instead
, opting for an apple. I ate it quickly and then ran upstairs to our only bathroom to freshen myself up before trotting downstairs and plopping in front of the TV to wait for Alex.
I didn’t have to wait long. I heard his car pull up out front and I watched him walk up through the window. I loved seeing him when he
didn’t know I was watching. He was so confident and sure of himself. He knocked on the door and I deliberately counted to ten before I got up from the couch to open it. I didn’t want to appear too urgent.
“Hey. Come in,” I said with a smile holding the d
oor open for him.
It
was good to see his face. I’d missed him, especially after what had happened with Jesse. I felt like running to him so I could feel his arms around me, but I forced myself to hold back and I walked slowly over to him. He was smiling and he opened his arms and wrapped me up.
“I’m so glad you came over,” I said as my ch
eek rested against his chest.
“Me too,” he said
, kissing the top of my head. “It’s quiet. Is anyone home?” he asked, looking around.
“No, my mom took Grandma to bingo. We’re all alone,” I said quietly, looking up to meet his deep brown eyes with a flirty smile.
“Hmm. We have this whole house to ourselves. Whatever shall we do?” he smirked quietly.
“I don’t know,” I said and I looked away with a shy smile.
I felt him lean in close to me and then his warm lips were on my neck, causing goosebumps to explode around his kiss. He pulled back a second later and I felt my skin relax.
“Perha
ps we could watch a movie,” he suggested.
“Yeah.
A movie sounds good,” I said, breathlessly as I led Jesse upstairs to my room.
“I meant to tell you before I like the color you painted your room,” he said when I flipped on the light.
“It turned out pretty good, huh?”
“Yeah, it did. You and Jesse did a nice job,” he said and I felt myself freeze momentarily at the mention of Jesse’s name.
I didn’t say anything, but continued over to my laptop.
“Sorry we’ve got to watch it on the computer. Obviously, I don’t have a TV in here yet and if you can believe it, my grandma doesn’t own a DVD player.”
“That’s fine,” he said, sitting down on my bed.
“What should we watch?”
“I don’t care. You pick.”
I went to Netflix and queued up
Batman Begins
and then I went and sat down next to Alex on my bed.
“Good choice,” he said
, scooting back and resting against the headboard with his legs stretched out. “Come here,” he said, leaning forward and gently tugging on me until I was sitting beside him. He kept his arm around me and I snuggled in close to him as the movie began.
We hadn’t been watching long when Alex began rubbing my back. His fingers traced lightly up and down over my t-shirt and a few moments later, I felt his fingers cautiously crawl under my shirt until they were
on my bare skin. I began to stir beneath his touch, something he seemed to enjoy. His fingers continued to climb up my spine and then he playfully ran them underneath my bra strap, causing my breath to quicken and a burning to shoot throughout my body. He turned me towards him and stared at me until I felt my cheeks redden. He leaned in and gently kissed me. It was tender and sweet, but then he pressed his lips harder to mine. His fingers lowered until they were tracing my waistline and he continued to kiss me eagerly. I felt like I was losing control of myself, wanting to feel him in every way possible and I didn’t stop him when he pulled my shirt over my head. We sat facing each other, our legs intertwined. He held me as he kissed me, his lips making their way down my neck, only stopping long enough to take off his shirt. My hands found their way across his chest and he shivered as my fingers glided across his skin. My heart was pounding and his breath was swirling around me. His hands were all over my body and his lips never stayed in one place too long.
“Riley, I need you,” he whispered gruffly in my ear as his hand
gripped my upper thigh. “Please, Riley.”
“Alex,” I said quietly, wanting nothing more than to pull off all our clothes and tell him yes.
“I’ve gotta have you.”
“Alex…I can’t,” I said using every ounce of m
y willpower to utter the words.
“Yes, you can. All you have to do is say yes,” he said
, continuing to explore my body.
“I can’t,” I said again softly and then he froze. I slowly opened my eyes to see him hovering over me.
“What’s the matter? Don’t you wanna be with me?”
“Yes…I do, but…I thought we talked about this at the party last week,” I said
, looking away.
“That was the party. But this is here. We’re alone…just us. It couldn’t be a more perfect time,” he said as he began softly kissing my neck.
“I’m sorry, I can’t,” I repeated and I felt my eyes grow warm with tears when I looked up at him and saw the frustration on his face. He collapsed onto my chest, the heavy weight of him making it difficult to breathe, until he sighed and rolled over on his back. I sat up and searched for my shirt, which I found hanging off the foot of the bed. I quickly pulled it over my head and then sat with my back to him and wiped the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand.
The silence in the room was deafening. Alex
hadn’t moved from where he lay motionless on the bed. I wanted to turn and talk to him, but I couldn’t and I prayed he would say something.
He sat up a few minutes later and pulled his shirt on and then it wa
s quiet again.
“I’m sorry
,” I finally said, unable to stand the silence anymore
“I just don
’t get it,” he sighed. “I just want to be close to you.”
He sounded like a little boy and when I turned to
him, he was looking at me with innocent eyes, even though what he wanted me to do was hardly innocent.
“
I’m just not ready,” I said quietly.
“Will you ever be ready?”
“What kind of question is that?”
“It’s just a question
.”
“I don’t know when I’ll be ready and I’m s
orry if you can’t accept that.”
The room grew silent. My voice was low, but Alex knew I was mad. A moment later
I felt him scoot down and sit next to me, taking my hand in his.
“Hey, I’m sorry,” he began
a few moments later. “That was…that was pretty stupid of me. I shouldn’t have asked you that.”
“I’m not doing this to hurt you
. I just can’t do what you’re asking of me,” I said softly.
He w
as quiet again, as if he was thinking and then he spoke.
“I understand,” he said
, squeezing my hand. “I just really, really like you, Riley. I’m sorry.”
“I
f this is going to be a problem for you…” I said as my voice trailed off.
“It’s not a problem,” he assured me. “It might be difficult because you’re so hot, but it’s not a problem,” he said laughing.
“I’ll try and make it easy on you. I’ll start wearing a bag over my head.”
“Oh, you can’t do that. That would be criminal,” he joked
, grabbing his chest as if he were in pain.
We both started laughing and I
rested my head on his shoulder.
“Are we good then?” he asked.
“Yeah, we’re good,” I said, reaching up and kissing him softly, then we leaned back and finished watching the movie.