Last Kiss in Tiananmen Square (21 page)

“Because I don’t know you yet. And and…” Baiyun lowered her head looking at her fingers. “You are married.”

“Do you want to know why? I would love to tell you and I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you earlier. I didn’t want it to spoil our relationship because I love you so much,” Dagong leaned toward Baiyun and touched Baiyun’s long black hair.

“Sure,” said Baiyun. She took his green sunglasses off. The top of his right eye still showed purple and was swollen from the beating. “You look handsome despite of this.”

“Do you know my parents died when I was five years old? My aunt Rose raised me up and she passed away when I was twenty doing hard labor in the Inner Mongolia. She left me alone in this world. I was a straight A student but was not allowed to go to any universities due to my family background. I worked so hard on the farm that miracle happened. I was assigned a job in Beijing working as a janitor in the Beijing Zoo. My wife’s father who was the head of the Beijing Automobile Parts factory discovered me and assigned me to work for him. His daughter fell in love with me. We got married and had a son. So that’s it,” said Dagong. “That’s the short version. A long version might take a thousand and one nights. I’m not sure that you want to hear the long version.” Dagong stood up and walked away.

Baiyun stood up and chased him down. “I understand. But I don’t care. I still love you.” Dagon turned around and they kissed passionately. They held each either tightly as though they would never let each other go. After a few minutes, Baiyun broke loss from Dagong.

“Don’t you feel guilty that we are kissing while others are planning the revolution?” Baiyun asked.

“No,” said Dagong firmly.

“Why?” Baiyun was surprised by his conviction.

“Because this is revolution too.”

“What? You mean this?” She pointed her finger to her lips, “you mean the kissing?”

“Yes,” Dagong looked at the bewildered Baiyun and smiled, “because we were not allowed to kiss before.”

“Have you ever kissed anyone before?” asked Baiyun.

“Of course, how about you?”

“Yes,” said Baiyun, feeling at that point it was better to lie. She glanced at him to see his reaction.

“I know you are experienced when it comes to love. When was your first love experience?”

“I fell in love with my violin teacher when I was fifteen. Then I fell for my mother’s lover,” said Baiyun.

“Oh, you are more experienced than any Chinese girl around.”

“We didn’t do anything besides kisses and hugs. How about you? Tell me something about your love experience.” Baiyun really lied. Her so-called love experience was actually unrequited love from her only. She didn’t even have courage to convey the message of love to these men.

“No. I’m an old man, compared to you. You know my life is too complicated to tell. Do you want to walk a little further?” Dagong changed the subject.

“Sure,” said Baiyun. She wished they would find a more private place so she wouldn’t feel so nervous.

Finally they reached the corner of an abandoned building. They sat side by side against a wall, hidden behind two tall pine trees. From the garbage littered around, they could tell this was a popular place for lovers. They kissed slowly and passionately for what seemed to Baiyun like hours. It was a lot like her dreams about Dagong, only stronger. She could feel the gentle softness of his lips, but his passion had almost taken her breath away. After a while, Dagong slowly unbuttoned Baiyun’s shirt and reached behind her and unsnapped her bra. The sudden freeness of her breasts caused her to inhale quickly, but softly. He turned her slightly toward him, and cupped her small but now eager breasts in his large, firm hands. She had never been touched that way before, and she was surprised by the waves of pleasure that surged through her body and caused a wonderful tingling sensation between her legs. She felt her nipples harden under his touch. Dagong unzipped his pants, and slowly guided Baiyun’s hand down to touch him. She felt guilty, but at the same time, being there with Dagong, it felt so right, so comforting. She gently probed inside, feeling the throbbing and the increasing hardness. She had only seen a penis once in a medical school specimen jar, and now she held one in her hand.

After she got admitted in Beijing University, she went to visit a high school classmate who was going to attend the Beijing Medical University. The classmate showed her around campus and some classrooms. The story made the most impression on her was the fact the bodies used for anatomy classes were kept under ground in caves. She told her classmate all she wanted to see was some specimen. As they walked along the hallway where the specimen jars were kept in glass cabinets, she noticed a black wrinkly tubular thing floating in a medium sized jar.

“What is this?” she asked.

“That’s called a penis, the male sexual organ,” her classmate said matter-of-factly without a trace of embarrassment.

Baiyun, however, never dared to ask another question.

Some of the guilt came from a discussion she could still remember from a couple of years back in her dormitory.

Wenjing opened her small eyes behind her thick glasses and began the discussion. “I don’t understand why people would ever want to kiss each other. It is very unhygienic behavior. Do you know how much bacteria our mouths contain? How many germs and diseases can be transmitted through our saliva?”

Li Yan laughed.

“Yes, but why?” mumbled Baiyun. Her voice was so quiet that nobody even noticed that she spoke.

“You’d better give it a try yourself and then you will find out why people kiss. Like chemistry, you have to do experiments to determine whether the theory is correct or not,” argued Yumei. She sounded like she already knew why people kiss, and her sly smile confirmed their suspicion.

“You don’t always have to use experiments to decide whether a theory is correct or not. You can use assumptions and calculations to predict the answer. Besides I don’t think I would want to risk my health just for a kiss,” said Wenjing.

So much was happening lately. Her whole life had changed in the last two weeks since the movement had begun that day in the crowded square. She had never felt so busy yet so happy, so involved. The unhappy loner has turned into an organizer and activist. She no longer had to worry about her weight problem. The many sleepless days and irregular meals had shrunk her puffy waistline in spite of her recent dining with her mother. She liked it. She had never made so many friends before and on top of all that, she met Dagong. Dagong reminded her of Meiling’s old boyfriend Weiming, with whom Meiling had a 7 years relationship but later broke up. For the longest time Baiyun felt that Weiming was more like her real father. After Meiling broke up with Weiming, Baiyun had a hard time. It was like losing a close relative. She always wished to find a replacement “father”, but she didn’t know how. She felt that finding a boyfriend of her own would not be a solution, since most of young men her age were far too immature. Since she realized Dagong could now be the one, the replacement she had been looking for in many years, she did not know how to describe her joy. But of course, she could never have predicted the relationship would progress so far this fast

Dagong slowly massaged her nipples while kissing her. Baiyun hesitantly touched the totally erect penis reaching out from his jeans, unsure of exactly what to do with it. She could tell from his deep sighs when they paused for air between long kisses, that she was at least doing something right. They paused and looked intently at each other. His shirt buttons were open and exposed a white tank top tucked tightly under his belt. Dagong moved his hand to the inside of her thigh, kissing her intently as he slowly moved it up between her outstretched legs. As he reached the seam at the top of her legs, she pulled away.

“So this is your first time,” asked Dagong.

“Yes,” murmured Baiyun and nodding hesitantly. She felt a little embarrassed like a teenager drinking alcohol behind her parents back. Dagong had become a different person in front of her. She now looked directly at his male sex organ, his totally erect penis, to say it more precisely, which looked much more attractive than the one in the medical school specimen jar and she had been blindly touching earlier while they were kissing and caressing. At that moment, Meiling’s warning appeared in her mind.

“You could learn something from your mother? Stay away from the boys. They will only make trouble for you. Study, study hard!”

Her head dropped and she pulled her hands away from Dagong and rested them on the grass.

“I’m making you uncomfortable. I will stop. I would never force you into anything,” Dagong, now becoming flaccid, closed the zipper on his pants. “You’re still a virgin, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” answered Baiyun quietly. Her voice was so low that it was almost inaudible. She couldn’t predict what Dagong was going to do. Would he ridicule her? Would he leave in anger? Baiyun did not want to stop the kissing and touching, but at the same time was afraid to continue.

“I’m surprised? I didn’t think that you Beijing University students were that old fashioned. Not many people think of virginity as being a big deal anymore.” Dagong looked at Baiyun with curiosity, and maybe little sadness. He did not want to hurt this lovely girl’s feelings.

“But for me it is important to be a virgin,” she said as she re-buttoned her bra, but left her shirt undone. “Mother told me that if I found out things about boys, I would never be able to be a good student anymore,” said Baiyun seriously with slightly louder voice as she became more confident.

“Why do you have to believe her?”

“It’s because mothers have a lot of experience. I grew up with mother’s many secret love affairs. I even helped her a few times.”

“So did she enjoy it?”

“Sure, but she has wasted all her life with men. It’s not worth it.”

“Is it not worthwhile to have some fun in life?”

“No, it is the pain involved makes it not worthwhile. Mother always says that life consists of endless pain and a few moments of joy. It is especially true between man and woman.”

“Woo. Do you believe that?”

“Yes, because my life has been just like that, too much pain, very little joy.”

“Oh, my poor girl,” stroking Baiyun’s head, he continued, “Why didn’t your mother just marry one of her boyfriends?”

“My father… is still alive,” said Baiyun slowly, word by word. Each word was like a bullet penetrating her heart.

“He is still alive? I thought he had died a few years ago.”

“No, he is not alive. He is just not dead
.
He spends whole day in the green house tending his flowers and the whole evening playing violin. When he is in the apartment, he makes the cat like noise as though he were an animal
.
Except for occasional yelling and cursing, it’s hard to tell that he’s alive.”

“Woo. You mean that your mother, her boyfriend and your father actually live together?” Dagong stared at Baiyun. He felt sad for her, and a bit angry. “You should get out of there.”

“I did move out and came to live in the dorm. But they still seem so close. I need to go to a place far away. Only then could I forget about the whole situation. But how should I do it?”

Dagong did not answer. He did not have an answer for her. In China, a person is not free to live anywhere he or she wants. The government determines where you live.

“So my only choice is to study hard and pass the exams to go to America.”

“I think you should,” said Dagong. Baiyun’s words reminded him of his own desire to go to America. He did not have as clear an objective as Baiyun did. Although Dagong’s life was not perfect, he had long gotten used to it after having finally lost any thoughts of going away.

“That’s why I don’t go out with boys. I believe that any mistake can spoil my chance to go to America,” said Baiyun. She sounded like an adult.

“Why are you here and not studying now?” asked Dagong.

“I can’t. My mind is filled with other things lately. I can’t study anymore. I’m afraid I would never get out of here. I’m stuck here, but I’m here with you.” Baiyun leaned toward Dagong. They hugged each other.

He slowly moved his hands away and buttoned Baiyun’s white short sleeve shirt and straightened her hair. “Let’s go to the lake,” he said as he helped Baiyun to stand up.

“Oh, my legs.” Baiyun cried out loud as she stretched out her cramped legs. She leaned down and rubbed the inactivity out of her thighs and calves, and walked along with Dagong.

The sky turned pink while the wind swept through the dried dirt they were walking on. The almost full moon had quietly arisen in the sky. They walked quietly toward the lake, holding hands like lovers.

Dagong was surprised to hear Baiyun’s complicated life story and to learn of her tragic and confused family life. He was also glad to know Baiyun. It was first time in his life he found a girl with the depth to truly understand him. He, too, had an unfortunately life story. He felt like maybe he could tell Baiyun everything about himself.

They caught last glimpse of the sunset, half of a cold and sanguine ball falling in the west side of the sky after they found a bench by the lake. The wind had stopped and the air became still. The lake was like a mirror and also like a bottomless hole, which had swallowed everything around it, the island, the bushes on the island and the willow tree by the shore. Sun and the sky had become a symmetrical object in this endless and bottomless world. For a while, it was hard to tell the high from the low, the top from the bottom and the earth from the whispered exclaimed Dagong.