Authors: Matt Beam
Anyways, I wasn’t playing a game, because I couldn’t do anything but think about her. To be honest I think that’s all I wanted to do, and whenever I saw her, my sex synapse commando units were on full-attack mode, and I think there were maybe some love synapse units in there, too, which are even more unpredictable than sex synapses, because they don’t actually exist, they are just feelings, which are strange, mysterious things. Even more mysterious than black holes and Chaos Theory and god with a small
g
.
Unreliable Sources
But the funny thing is that even though my mind had totally been taken over by Jenny, Trevor and I started to become really good friends, because he didn’t mind if I talked about Jenny because he had special inside information from Judy, and Trevor never made me feel like an idiot or a wuss or anything. And so we hung out at lunch on Tuesday and before and after history because we sit at opposite ends of the class and Mrs. Vallette is seriously strict, and then after school in the hallway we played foot hockey with a tennis ball until a teacher yelled at us and kicked us out, and then while we walked home we talked about the Maple Leafs, who Trevor calls “the Laughs” because they suck the big one, and when we went by the Donut Hole, I looked over and this little kid and his dad were playing Ms. Pac-Man and there was no sign of Byron.
And then Trevor and I played shinny after dinner on Wednesday night, which is pickup hockey at the outside rink, and I played out of net because there’s no equipment, no raising the puck, and no goalie in shinny—the rule is you have to be two inches from the net to score a goal. And while we were playing, Trevor wouldn’t stop calling Jenny “the Vortex,” and each time he did I gave him a body check and he moaned like it actually hurt, and after the game we walked home, and when we went by the Donut Hole, I could see someone playing Ms. Pac-Man and it kind of looked like Byron, but I didn’t want to say anything to Trevor about him for some reason, and then Trevor and I split ways at the next traffic light, and then I started heading home.
And even though I was totally in another head space, my mind started thinking about whether it
was
Byron in the Donut Hole, and I didn’t want to think about the way he was the last time I saw him, but I couldn’t help it, I really couldn’t, and I started wondering how he was doing, like maybe I was worried a bit or something, and so I stopped walking, with my skates hanging on my stick, over my shoulder like a hobo, and I remember it was cold enough to see my breath, because I looked up to the sky, which was starry, Sam, and I was trying to decide whether to go to the Donut Hole, and I stood there for a while because part of me just wanted to go home and forget about Byron, but part of me knew that I just couldn’t.
And so I finally turned around and went back toward the Donut Hole, and when I went through the front door, I saw it wasn’t Byron playing Ms. Pac-Man, it was two other older guys who I didn’t know, and I was about to go, but then I saw Karen,
the sexy counter girl, and she smiled at me and put up her finger like she wanted to talk, but then she went back through the kitchen door, and so I just sat at a table nearby, and I dropped my stick and skates and spun the empty ashtray on the tabletop.
Finally, Karen came out and around the counter and said, “Hey, there. What’s up, kiddo?” and I said, “Um … nothing,” and she said, “Nothing?” and I don’t know why but I felt like talking and I sort of felt comfortable around her, so I said, “I just played hockey, and … I probably shouldn’t be here,” and I kept on spinning the ashtray, and she said, “You should be home, right?” and I said, “Yeah, but my ma and I aren’t really talking, because she’s having a baby and so … she doesn’t like mac and cheese anymore and—” and she put up her hand, “Wait a second. First things first: your mom is having a baby?” and I said, “Yeah,” and she said, “That wasn’t a very enthusiastic ‘yeah,’” and I shrugged and looked away, and she took a couple of steps closer, put her hands on the back of the chair in front of me, and said, “What about your dad? At work?” and I said, “No … my dad died when I was one,” and her face went red and she put her hand up to her cheek and said, “Oh, I’m sorry. Me and my big mouth. Sometimes I just don’t know when to shut it—” and I said, “It’s okay. … I don’t even remember him, so it doesn’t matter,” and then she just looked at me for a couple of seconds with these totally beautiful blue eyes and said, “So you have a stepdad?” and I said, “No, he left, but he wasn’t my stepdad, … I’m the man of the house.”
And she smiled like she didn’t believe me or something, so I said, “I
am
,” and she said, “I believe you. … Believe
me—
I
know what it’s like to have to act like the parent when you are only a kid,” and that wasn’t what I meant, but I didn’t know how to explain it, and then she just stared at me with her blue eyes, thinking, and then she sighed and said, “I can’t wait to have a baby.”
And I couldn’t believe my ears, so I said, “Why would you want to have a baby?” and she smiled, but differently, to herself, in a kind of dreamy way, and she scratched her head and said, “It’s just … it’s just the most beautiful thing ever … to bring a life into the world, you know. … I don’t know … it’s just so … so … amazing,” and I looked at her harder, like it would help me understand what the hell she was talking about, and that didn’t work, so I said, “My old best friend, Josh, watched a movie that had a lady with her legs spread out on these metal-arm things and she was having a baby for real, and he said it wasn’t beautiful at all. He said it was gross,” and she burst out laughing and put her hand to her mouth and said, “That’s not what I mean. It’s like … it’s like there’s this beautiful new person in the world, who is kind of pure, like it’s the beginning of something completely new,” and I said, “Like a new game of Ms. Pac-Man?” and she laughed again and said, “You’re just like Byron.”
And I shrugged and said, “Have you seen him lately?” and she sort of lowered her eyes. “Um … no, I was going to ask you the same thing,” and I said, “I saw him on Sunday,” and her face fell and she looked out the window and said, “I did, too,” with this quiet sad voice. “I was coming to work the late shift, and he was walking down the street, you know, away from me, and I called out to him and he didn’t stop, so I chased after him,
and when I caught up, Byron started walking faster, and he told me to go away … and then he said some really terrible terrible things, about me … and about himself—” and she stopped and looked at me again with her beautiful eyes. “I can’t even think about it. … I don’t think he meant what he said,” and then she leaned over close and whispered, “So I have to be honest with you here. I’ve known Byron only for a couple of months, and he’s usually so funny and smart and, okay, maybe he lies a little here and there, but now it’s like there’s this dark dark cloud over him all of a sudden, and I wonder … I wonder if it’s because he stopped, well, because he stopped—” and she looked at me for a bit, sort of like a scared animal.
“Because he stopped taking his lithium pills?” I asked, and she put her hand to her forehead. “Oh, thank God, you know about his pills. Sometimes I should really just put my foot in it!” and then she didn’t put her foot in it, she said, “Listen, um, I’m sorry, jeez, I don’t even know your name,” and I said, “It’s Steven,” and then she put her hand on top of mine. “I’m Karen, Steven. … Okay, so I would never ask this of just anyone, but you seem sweet and nice, and Byron seems to really like you,” and I said, “How do you know that?” and she said, “I can just tell. He doesn’t give most other people the time of day,” and I shrugged and looked away again, because that wasn’t proof that he liked me.
Then she dug her hand into her pocket and slid a quarter across to me. “Can you call his house?” and I said, “Ummmm,” like I didn’t want to, and she blushed a little and said, “I know. … I just won’t know what to say or to say it the proper way …
to his parents, I mean,” and I said, “Why?” and she said, “Byron said something about how we aren’t cut from the same cloth … which is mean but pretty true. … I’m just a small-town girl who works at the stupid Donut Hole, for gosh sakes … which is why it probably wouldn’t have worked out between us anyway.”
(And I know it’s totally totally totally crazy, Sam, but I was sort of happy it wasn’t going to work out with Byron and Karen because I think I kind of suddenly had a crush on her.)
“But I’m still worried,” she continued. “I guess I kind of care about him. He’s sweet, you know,” and I didn’t know, but I nodded anyway, and she said, “And he scared me on Sunday. A lot. So can you call him?” and I didn’t want to disappoint her, and I know it’s pathetic but I thought maybe she might put her hand on mine again so I said, “Ummm … I guess.”
“Thanks,” she said, grabbing a napkin from the dispenser. “He gave me his number at least a hundred times,” and she took a pen from her uniform pocket and wrote down his number.
“What if he answers?” I asked, taking the napkin and looking at the number, and she said, “Then just hang up. And if one of his parents answers, just ask for him, and if he’s there … then you can also just hang up. There’s a pay phone by the bathrooms,” and I looked down at the table for a second and finally said, “Okay.”
So I got up and went through the door to the bathroom and there was a phone right in between the
Men
and
Women
doors. So I slid the quarter in, looked at the napkin, and dialed the number, and the phone rang and rang and rang, and while it was ringing I remember thinking how crazy it was that I was there on the phone and that god with a small
g
would really be
shaking his head, wondering how the hell things just ended up happening the way they do, and then, I don’t know how long the phone had been ringing, because my synapses were daydreaming ones, but all of a sudden this woman answered, “Hello?”
And I didn’t know what to do.
So I hung up.
And I hung up, Sam, because I was totally confused and scared or something, because I suddenly remembered his mom was crazy and a pill-popper, and I suddenly didn’t want anything to do with her or anyone, and I just stood there, staring at the phone for a second, and my heart was pounding and my hands were sweating. And then all of a sudden the door swung open from the men’s room, and this old guy came stumbling out, hitting the wall, which scared the effin’ crap out of me. And he sort of mumbled a swear word at me, and I looked away and then I just waited until I heard him open the door to go back into the main shop.
When I finally came out, Karen was still at the table, and she was looking at the drunken man as he stumbled out, and she said, “What happened?” and I said, “He just hit the wall and yelled something at me,” and she said, “No. I mean with the call?” and I don’t know why, Sam, and I know I said the truth was the most important thing, but I guess I just wanted to get the hell out of there, so I said, “Oh … um … no one was there,” and she said, “Darn,” and she frowned and I just stood there staring at her like an idiot, and she looked up at me and sort of forced a smile and said, “Don’t worry, Steven. I’m sure everything will be okay. Byron will be fine. He probably just took off,” and I said, “What do you mean, like, ran away?” and
she smiled sort of sadly and said, “I, um, don’t know,” and she looked down. “I hope so. That’d be better than what I’m imagining,” and then I totally felt guilty that I’d lied, but it wasn’t like I could suddenly tell her the truth, and then Karen stood up, stepped over, and gave me a hug, which totally surprised me and made me think that maybe she liked me again, and that made me feel even worse.
And when I walked home, with my stupid stick and skates on my shoulder, I imagined Byron on a bus going to Sudbury or something, sitting in the window seat, and when I got to the apartment, Sam, I went straight to my room, avoiding Ma by saying I had to study, because we still weren’t really on speaking terms, and I didn’t want to deal with anyone or anything.
When I dropped onto my bed and looked at the ceiling, I tried to clear my mind of everything, but all I could hear was Byron’s mom’s voice, saying “Hello? Hello?” and I felt so guilty that I hadn’t said something back to her, but the truth is I basically had no idea what I would have said.
The next day I was a zombie because I still didn’t want to think about anything or anyone, not Ma or Byron or his mom, not even Jenny, and it was the last day of classes before exams, because some unlucky people in the older years had them on Friday (I had a sort of crappy schedule, because I had no exams until the next Thursday, but then I had three and then two the next day). And Jenny still wasn’t looking me in the eyes in class or anywhere, but I almost didn’t care anymore or something, and I felt like I was just about to give up on the whole thing.
But then everything got turned upside down again because Trevor and I went to lunch at Brandy’s and he said, “What are you doing tonight?” and I said, “I don’t know. Nothing,” and he said, “Judy told me that she and Jenny and some other people are meeting at St. Clair subway station at 7:00,” and I had a bite of peanut butter in my mouth and I felt like I couldn’t even swallow it all of a sudden, so I went, “Ugh,” and he said, “Ugh,” and then he laughed and asked, “When are you going to make your move on her?” and I said, “She doesn’t even like me and
never
,” and he said, “Yes she does,” and I didn’t know what to say.
And then Trevor pulled his bagel apart and started licking the cream cheese off, because it’s his favorite food, and he said, “I bet if you come out tonight, something will happen between you two,” and I sort of blushed or something and then mumbled, “Okay, how much?” and he said, “Five bucks,” and I didn’t have even close to five bucks, but I didn’t want to admit it so I just sat there not saying anything for a bit, but then I wasn’t saying anything because my strategy synapses were suddenly flying like crazy, and I finally said, “Ummm … Okay. But I sort of need a favor,” and he said, “What?” and I said, “Can I, like, borrow the five I’m going to win from you?” and he jolted his head back sort of surprised, but then smiled and his voice went like a parent’s. “I guess … But you are digging yourself into a serious serious hole,” and he pulled a fiver from his wallet and handed it to me and I said, “Thanks, Trev. And yer not kidding about the hole … because that’s exactly what I’m digging.”