Authors: Jax Jillian
Love is too small of a word to describe how I feel for you. I love you so much, I can’t breathe. You caught my heart as it fell for you, and you protected it, you nurtured it, and you honored it. The love I feel for you is majestic and angelic. It is timeless and breathless. It is miraculous and unqualified. It is unexpected, and it is unwavering. It leaves me wanting nothing. My love for you completes my soul, and it completes my life. Our love story covers a lifetime. Most people would read it and wonder why I needed a lifetime to fall for you. But what those people don’t realize is, I didn’t need a lifetime to fall in love with you. I needed a lifetime to show you just how much.
I want you to know that you made me feel so loved. You know someone truly loves you when you don’t even think twice about wiping away their tears, their sweat, and even their sickness. When you would do anything to make them not hurt anymore. When you would climb into a freezing tub of cold water to hold them while you try to bring their fever down. When you would carry them from one end of the airport terminal to the other because their legs were too weak to walk. When you would trade your first class tickets in for coach just so you can sit in the last row of the airplane by the restroom in case they get sick. When you would jeopardize your career just so you could hold their hand when they felt so sick they thought they were going to die. Your love was so overwhelming, so unexpected, so life affirming. I can’t imagine my life without you. If I was given the chance to live life over again, I would only choose to do so if you were in it. For me, life isn’t worth living if you’re not in it.
Thank you for sharing your life with me. Thank you for sharing your friends with me. During these two months away, I often found myself missing Ian and Linda, Justin and Amanda, and Sarah. We have had such great times together this past summer. I know that Ian, Sarah, and Justin are busy with filming, just like you used to be, but I know they will drop anything to be with you. Count on them. Find peace in them. Let them hold your hand. Let them embrace you. Let them wipe your tears away. Let them wipe your sickness away. Have faith in the healing power friends have to offer. Like I said before, they will never let you fall.
I want to thank you for allowing me to believe again in those long walks on the beach, sharing a bowl of ice cream, having a man wrap his arms around mine while helping me reel in a big catch, and lying next to each other on the hood of the car at the drive-in movie theater. You allowed me to believe again in a man opening the door for me and pulling my chair out for me before I sit down to eat dinner at an intimate, fancy restaurant, in kissing good night before you go to sleep, and falling asleep every night in the arms of the man that I love. You did all these things for me, and you made me believe in that one true love, but most importantly, Ryan, thank you for believing in me and all that I could give you. My grandfather used to say, “The more you laugh, the longer you live.” Well, if that’s the case, then I should live forever after being with you. Well, undoubtedly, I am going to be the exception to my grandfather’s rule when it comes to laughter, but I certainly am not going to be the exception to my own rule of laughter: the more you laugh, the happier you’ll be when you die. Thank you for providing me with endless amounts of laughter. If you didn’t have your good looks, your sense of humor would certainly make up for it.
Heaven. I have often thought of this mysterious place, especially after I got sick. Is it an idea? Is it an actual place? What does it look like? What does it feel like? Is it tangible? Is it ethereal? But the more I think about it, the more I believe it is different for everyone. You are my heaven, Ryan. MY heaven.
I truly believe God started me on my journey to heaven the day I met you. Every time you smile at me. Every time you touch my face. Every time I fell asleep in your arms. These are all little pieces of my heaven. Please don’t cry for me. Please know that because of you, the last two years of my life have been the most extraordinary, and I felt no pain, just love and joy. Please promise me you will return to your life, to the life that has made you who you are.
As you have helped me to find my little pieces of heaven, I can only hope I was able to help you find some of yours. My hope is that these thirty-three letters will be pieces of your heaven. Read them over and over. Remember how much I loved you, and even though it was for a very short time, I got to experience the greatest love of all, and that completed my life.
Thank you for being so good to me.
With all the love I was able to give,
Larkin Boone
After Ryan folded the last letter that she had written to him, he, for a moment, closed his eyes and tried to see her. Tried to feel her. Tried to smell her. The sounds of the seagulls flying overhead, the sounds of the boats passing by, the sounds of the banner-towing airplanes circling overhead had suddenly faded from Ryan’s ears, and as the silence had caught his attention, he opened his eyes and saw her sitting there, smiling at him, staring at him.
“Lark…” He was captivated by her presence. “You’re here,” he said with relief in his voice.
“Hey, Ryan.” Her voice brought peace to his mind.
He grabbed her hands. “I finished your letters. I wish there were more.”
“So do I, Ryan. I wish I could have written you more.”
He reached out and brushed her cheek with his fingers. “I see angels in your eyes. I don’t know who I am without you. When I’m not around you, it’s like I’m not with me.” He paused as she played with his wedding band.
“When does it get better, Lark? Do you know when it gets better?”
“You have to let me go.”
“How am I supposed to do that?”
“You need to remember that you didn’t break your promise to me. You need to remember, Ryan.”
“How do I do that? How do I remember?”
Larkin knelt down on the boat floor before Ryan. “Close your eyes, Ryan.”
“No, Larkin. I won’t do that.” He knew she would be gone when he opened them.
“Ryan, close your eyes. It’s okay. I am going to help you remember.”
As he violently shook his head no, she placed her hands over his eyes. “Close your eyes and remember. It’s okay, I’m here.” As she stood up from her knees, she guided Ryan up from his seat and stood with her hand still covering his eyes and led him into a slow dance. As they swayed back and forth, Larkin began to quietly sing their song. Her voice was magical, just like when she would read to him. His lullaby had come back to him, even though it was for just a moment. And that moment was all it took for him to remember. The words she sang helped him remember what she had wanted him to. And as he relived that memory in his mind, he could feel the touch of her hand and the sound of her voice dissolve into the autumn zephyr.
Ian drove nervously down Atlantic Avenue as Sarah and Justin sat quietly in the passenger seats. Longport, like all the other Jersey Shore towns, was a ghost town in January. There was barely any traffic, just the occasional passing car, and there was no foot traffic. All the stores were closed for the New Year holiday except for the only gas station in town, and it was certainly too cold for anyone to be outside anyway. They had been staying in town the past two nights reluctantly awaiting the call from Ryan. The call that Larkin was dying. Ryan was their best friend, and they would do anything for him so neither of them thought twice about coming. Of course, the three of them had grown closer to Larkin over the past six months, and they had come to love her just the same.
As Ian approached the corner of Atlantic Avenue and Eleventh Avenue, red and blue flashing lights illuminated off the emergency vehicles, and the road had been blocked off, not allowing him to make the left-hand turn to get to Ryan and Larkin’s house. Ian pulled over to the side of the road to call Ryan. He waited and waited as the other line rang six times. Voice mail. Ian hung up and tried again. Voice mail.
“He’s not answering. I’m not sure where to go.” Ian asked Sarah to keep calling Ryan while he looked around to see if there was a side road to turn onto.
“Ian, just park in the flower shop lot, and we’ll walk. It’s not that far. Ryan walks here every morning,” Sarah said as she began to dial Ryan’s number.
Six rings sounded on the other end of the call before transferring over to Ryan’s voice mail. “He’s not answering.” Sarah left a message. “Ryan, hey. We’re not able to get down your road. It’s closed because of an accident or something. Ian is parking in the flower shop lot, so I guess we’ll walk down to the house.”
They locked up the car, and the three of them made their way across Atlantic Avenue. Ian was trying to see what all the commotion was about at the intersection where all the emergency personnel were working. A strong sense of panic was wafting through the cold winter air, and he could see the paramedics frantically working on someone. He didn’t see any cars, and nothing was on fire. He wasn’t quite sure what to think. As he focused his attention to Larkin and what they needed to do to help Ryan, Ian noticed Justin had stopped walking and was staring in the direction of the accident.
“Ian?” Justin called out. “Didn’t Ryan tell you he was walking up here to the flower shop to get Larkin some flowers?”
“Yeah, why?” He could sense the anxiety in Justin’s voice.
“Isn’t it closed?”
“Yeah, but the owner opened it for Ryan,” Ian explained. Ian had met Harry on a couple of occasions when he came to visit.
“So no one else would have been coming to the flower shop today?”
Ian could still sense the anxiety in Justin’s voice. “Probably not. Why, Justin? Why are you asking me this?”
As Ian turned fully around to face Justin, a bouquet of flowers, cyclamens to be exact, that were laying disarrayed on the pavement just inside the police caution tape caught the corner of his eye. Ian knew cyclamens were Larkin’s favorite flowers. He also saw Harry pacing back and forth outside of the caution tape with worry expressed across his face. Suddenly, his body was paralyzed with fear. He was frozen, and everything around him was spinning.
“Oh my…oh my god!” Somehow his adrenaline took over, allowing his legs to run through the caution tape, and once he got past the tape and all the personnel, his fear had been confirmed. He was suddenly thrust back by a swarm of policemen, and as he fought to release himself from their grasps, he could hear Sarah crying aloud. “Oh my god! Ryan!”
Ian pleaded with the policemen to release him. “Let me go! We’re his family! Let me go!” He felt them release their grasps, and he rushed to Ryan’s side as the paramedics worked on him. He was bleeding from his head and his nose, and his body was lifeless. Ian grabbed his hand. “Ryan? It’s Ian. Ryan?”
Ryan opened his eyes and looked at him. “I promised Larkin….” He was barely able to speak, and as her name was whispered from his lips, he lost consciousness.
“Ryan! Open your eyes.” Ian shook Ryan, trying somehow, someway, to get him to open his eyes again.
“Go, Ian. We’ll stay with him. Go to her, Ian!” Sarah screamed at him. Ian hesitated, not wanting to leave his best friend’s side.
“Go, Ian!” Sarah screamed again.
Justin pulled Ian aside trying to calm him down. “Ian, go! We have Ryan. Go to Larkin.”
Larkin, my dearest wife,
I read your letters. Just like you promised in your letter, you shared everything with me in them, and now, I am going to share everything with you. For the past two months, I haven’t been able to talk about you and what happened. Now, I am ready, so I am going to share with you everything that has been on my mind and in my heart.
When you’re dreaming with a broken heart, the hardest part is waking up. I crave your presence in my dreams. I can feel you, see you, and smell you when I dream of you. I don’t want to wake up. Sometimes, I open my eyes, and I feel and see you lying next to me in my arms. You feel so real, but if I look away or close my eyes for just one second, you’re gone.
Do you remember those last few days together? We had just returned from Hawaii, and you weren’t doing too well. We had just made it home to Longport, just as you had wished for. It was a long travel day, and I knew you were having a hard time making it through. I carried you every step of the journey, and I held you in my arms as we sat in the back of the airplane. I wanted the trip to be as stress-free as possible for you, so we traveled overnight to avoid any crowds and unwanted advances from people who might have recognized me. I was just happy to see you were able to survive the trip.
Even though we were back home, I kept my promise to you and didn’t tell anyone we were back. Just Ian, Sarah, and Justin. Just like you had asked. The hospice nurse told me it was only a matter of days, so I wanted to make sure they were in town. And as I knew they would, they made sure they were. You always knew what was best for me, Larkin. You knew I would need them here. You knew I wouldn’t be able to get through it without them. Don’t worry though, my lovely, as per your wishes, they kept their distance and never came to see you. You made me promise it would be only me at your side when the end was near.
I had such a hard time accepting it when the nurse told me, “Two days, maybe three if she’s lucky.” It was New Year’s Eve night when she told me that. I couldn’t help but think of the irony of the situation we were in. As a life was ending, a new year was beginning. I didn’t even want to think about facing the next year without you, let alone the next day. I climbed into the bed next to you and pulled you close to me. You were in and out of consciousness as I held you, and I could feel how small you had become. It was as if death was taking bits and pieces of your body, and life was being pulled out of you with each breath you exhaled. As I lay with you, I thought about the past two years we had spent together. I remember wishing I would have given anything to have realized my love for you a long time ago. I was too consumed with my career, and the fame and the fortune had clouded my mind so I hadn’t been able to see it. I am only left to wonder what you and I have missed during all the time we weren’t together.
I remember feeling you stir at 2:30 a.m. I hadn’t slept at all. I didn’t want to miss the slightest chance you might wake up. I wanted to talk with you as much as you were able to, but more importantly, I wanted you to know I was there with you, just like I promised.
You mumbled my name, and I let you know I was there. You reached up and placed your hand on my face. I can still feel it. The magic in your fingertips. I’ll never forget what you said to me. You told me I was beautiful, your beautiful-faced boy. You asked me not to turn my face away. You wanted it to be the last thing you saw.
I tried so hard to hold the tears back as my eyelids began to swell. I didn’t want you to see me cry, even though you told me it was okay to cry. I smiled at you as best I could. I told you that you were beautiful and you looked like an angel. And you did, blue eyes, you looked just like an angel.
We continued to stare into each other’s eyes, even though you struggled to keep yours open for more than ten seconds at a time. I would brush the falling bangs out of your eyes in between an occasional kiss on the forehead, and frequent “I love you’s” filled the melancholy quietness of the air. As I felt your breaths getting shallower and shallower, I would pull you closer and press my lips against yours, trying anything I could to help you breathe easier. I asked if you were suffering, and although you tried to assure me you weren’t, I was so worried that you were. It certainly seemed as if you were. Your difficulty breathing, your difficulty speaking, and your coughing had started to take its toll on me. I couldn’t bear to see you like that.
I relive our next conversation over and over in my mind. You know, the one when you gave me your ring…
“Larkin, I am so sorry I couldn’t save your life. I am so sorry.” He could feel himself starting to lose control. He knew he was going to lose her.
She brought her hand up to his face and wiped away the tears from the corners of his eyes. “Ryan, don’t do this to yourself. You gave me an amazing end to my life. You kept me alive. Without your love, I would have died a long time ago. You gave me a reason to keep living.”
“I am so sorry I couldn’t save your life because, Larkin, you saved mine.”
“So then, keep on living. Keep on thriving. Go back to what you do best. Promise me you’ll go back to acting again. Promise me, Ryan.”
“I promise, Larkin. I will.” He swept her bangs from her forehead.
Larkin reached for Ryan’s right hand that had been resting on her cheek. “Give me your hand, Ryan. Let me see it.”
He positioned his hand into hers, and he felt her place something cold and round inside of it. “Take this, Ryan. You’ll always have a piece of me.”
He opened his hand and saw her wedding band. He gripped it tight and wrapped his arm around her small, frail, almost lifeless body. “I will always love you, Larkin.”
“I want to listen to your heartbeat. It’s my favorite lullaby,” she said as she buried her head underneath his chin, and he rested his hand upon her head as he felt her breathe.
He stroked her hair and rubbed her back as she drifted off into sleep. Thankfully, he could feel her breathing, so he knew she was still with him. He could only hope, only pray, that she would make it till morning so he could maybe, if he was lucky, see her blue eyes again.
…You made it through the night, but the nurse came in to check your vitals and then informed me you probably only had a few hours left. She was sorry and advised me to start making phone calls to the people who needed to know. God, Larkin, if only you could understand the pain that was searing through my heart. I had never felt like that before. I could barely catch my breath. I scrambled back into the bedroom to grab my phone. I had been dreading this call. This phone call signaled the end. I sat next to you on the edge of the bed and leaned over to give you a kiss on the cheek. I hesitantly dialed the numbers and called Ian to let him know…
“Ryan?” Ian’s voice was concerned. He knew what this phone call meant.
“Ian, it’s almost time. You need to come. Are you close?”
“Yeah, very. We’ll be right over.”
“Alright, the nurse is here. She’ll let you in. I am just going to walk up to the corner and get some flowers for her.” He never missed a morning, and as long as she was still alive, he would continue to bring her flowers every morning.
“Ian? Remember, don’t go upstairs to see her. I know you want to, but it’s not what she wanted.”
“I know, Ryan. We won’t.”
Ryan hung up and leaned over to kiss Larkin again. “I love you. I’ll be right back.”
Her eyes slowly opened, and she was able to muster a smile. “Promise?”
“I promise.” He held her face in his hands for a brief moment and kissed her on the nose before he turned to leave.
…After I talked to Ian, I left to go get you some flowers. The January chill bit at my face as I walked to the corner to Harry Wakefield’s flower shop. It was New Year’s Day, and the shop was closed, but Harry knew I would want to come by to buy you some flowers. He insisted I still come despite the holiday.
When I came the day before, he told me he was more than happy to set aside an arrangement for you that I could pick up the next morning. Harry and I had developed a good friendship over the past six months, and he always had a different arrangement ready every morning for me to pick up. They were always ready at 8:00 a.m., right on the dot. He had told me he had missed me the last two months that you and I were away, but he knew the fact that we were back home now had meant things weren’t looking so good for you.
Just like he had promised, he was waiting at the door for me. As I approached the door, he opened it and wished me a Happy New Year as he extended his arm out toward me. I accepted the handshake, wished him a Happy New Year, and thanked him for gathering together a bouquet for you. He was a good man, that Harry…
“It’s no problem, Ryan. I don’t consider this work. I am happy to do it for you, friend. How’s the angel doing this morning?” Harry asked every morning.
Ryan hesitated. “Um…Harry, not too good, I’m afraid. This might be my last trip here.”
“I am so sorry, Ryan. It breaks my heart to see you lose the love of your life at such a young age. It’s not fair. You’re supposed to grow old together. You’re supposed to have children together. It’s not fair, Ryan. I am so sorry for you.”
Ryan could tell Harry had felt sorry for him. Harry was a fifty-six-year-old divorced father of three daughters, and he had often told Ryan he could only pray his daughters would meet someone that treated them the way he had treated Larkin. He had confided in Ryan about his harsh divorce and how it had left a bitter taste in his mouth for love. He had told Ryan he could only regret he hadn’t experienced a love like his and Larkin’s. Ryan knew Harry understood how he felt for Larkin. He had witnessed it firsthand when he would bring Larkin into the shop with him.
“I arranged a bouquet of her favorite this morning, cyclamens. It’s kind of ironic, don’t you think?” Harry asked.
“What’s that?” Ryan was curious.
“Cyclamens represent good-bye.” Harry handed over the bouquet of white and clear shades of pink petals that sat atop a bed of heart-shaped leaves to Ryan. The petals folded back along the flower stalk, giving the flowers a light and graceful appearance.
It
was
ironic. Too ironic, he thought. “Thanks, Harry, they’re beautiful. He could barely form his lips into a smile.
“Just like she is,” Harry agreed. Ryan smiled, acknowledging the compliment.
Ryan was halfway through the door when he heard Harry call out for him. “Hey, Ryan. Thanks for making me believe in love again.”
…
Larkin, what happened next haunts me. It haunts my dreams. It haunts my conscious mind. I keep reliving that day in my mind. It’s as if it happened yesterday. Do you remember that day?
The ceiling light above the bed was so blinding, it was difficult for me to keep my eyes open, but the gentle comforting graze upon my cheek beckoned me to. The pain in my head was splitting, and I felt an awful crunching in my left rib cage every time I tried to take a deep breath. I didn’t understand why I was in so much pain. The hospital room curtains were so thin, it seemed as if the sun was camped right outside the window, and that, coupled with the ceiling light, was enough to make me feel as if I was floating in a tunnel of light. My body ached and cried for me to go back to sleep. I succumbed to the pain, but as I let my eyelids fall, I again felt that comforting graze upon my cheek.
And then I heard a voice. That voice. I knew that voice anywhere. That voice. Your voice. My favorite lullaby.
Your voice pleaded with me to wake up. Pleaded with me to open my eyes. But my heavy eyelids trembled as I tried desperately to open them. Your voice and your touch summoned my consciousness. I could make out the delicate curve of your cheekbone through the blurriness in my eyes, and the blue in your eyes cut through the bright light like a razor. I called out to you, and I felt you squeeze my hand as it rested at my side. You were there. You were there by my side. I tried to sit up to embrace you, but the pain in my ribs was too much for me to bear. I still couldn’t understand this pain I was feeling.
You begged me to not sit up. You stroked my forehead as you helped to guide my head back down to the pillow…
“You’re here! I can’t believe you’re here!” I reached up to touch your face. “What’s going on, Lark? Why do I hurt so badly?”
“It’s time to wake up, Ryan. Everything is going to be okay. I’m okay. You’re going to be okay. You need to wake up.”
“What are you talking about? I am awake, Larkin.”
“No, Ryan, you’re not.”
He didn’t understand what was happening.
What is going on? What is she talking about? I am awake. Why is it so bright in here? Why can’t I keep my eyes open? Why does my body hurt so much?
These thoughts in his mind began to unravel, and as he tried to look at the surroundings, all he could see was her face swallowed by a tunnel of light. With every turn of his head, her face were there, looking back at him with those loving blue eyes. He started to panic.
“Larkin, what’s going on? I don’t understand what’s happening to me.”
“Ryan, it’s okay. Calm down. You need to wake up, and everything will be okay. Just remember, I love you and thank you for being here with me like you promised.” She bent over, held his face in her hands, and after the words “wake up” were whispered off her lips, she pressed them against his.