Laces and Lace (Assassins #6) (70 page)

“You won’t even consider it for me?” he asked and she shook her head.

“I know you want kids, and I am sorry, but I can’t give them to you. I refuse to put my child through what I went through. I won’t do it.”

“Okay,” he said slowly, looking down at the ground. “What about—”

But before he could even finish his sentence, she said, “Karson, I’m fucking not having any damn kids, and if this is a deal-breaker, then it is, and I’ll pack my shit and go.”

“Whoa, slow your damn roll,” he said, a little taken aback by her outburst.

“No! You are pushing this on me and acting just like my fucking dad. I am tired of people telling me what I should do. I make my own decisions, and I’m not having kids!”

“But that’s the thing, this isn’t just your decision, it’s mine too. It’s my future too.”

“No, it’s my choice. I make the decision, and you get no damn say at all,” she snapped, wiping her face as her eyes burned with anger. “It’s my fucked-up body with its fucked-up mutation that can ruin our daughter’s life! I refuse to do it, Karson! Just say the word and I’m gone.”

He fucking hated that cancer. He’d despised it before, but even more so now. It had ruined his beautiful wife’s sense of self-worth, and he didn’t know what to do to make it better. But one thing was sure, he was pissed. As he glared, he shook his head. “I’m not saying any word, Lacey. I am trying to talk to you about this, and you are flying off the damn handle!”

“No! You are trying to make me do something I don’t want, and I won’t allow you. You keep telling me that I allow people to manipulate me, and that’s what you are trying to do. They won’t find a cure! If they could, they would have already, and then I wouldn’t watch women suffer every damn day. I wouldn’t have lost my breasts, I wouldn’t have felt like I was worthless, and I wouldn’t have thought when you left it was because I was defective. But I am defective! I can’t give you want you want, and I know that deep down inside, you don’t want me. Just like before. I know it was my dad’s doing, but you were going to realize it. It was bound to happen.”

He couldn’t even believe what he was hearing. “Are you fucking kidding me? Do you hear yourself? This is insane and you are being ridiculous.”

She glared as she pointed to herself. “Oh, now, I’m being ridiculous? Add it onto my list of fucking fucked-up things about myself!”

“Don’t forget stubborn, Lacey, because Lord knows you’re that!”

“Well, you’re an asshole!” she said and he rolled his eyes.

“Guess I am. Maybe even inconsiderate.”

“Oh, for sure, inconsiderate!” she yelled and he shook his head.

“You know what, no, I’m not. I fucking do everything to make sure you are happy, comfortable, and the most satisfied woman in the damn world. And no matter what I say, you put yourself down. When you need someone to pick you up, I’m there, and I would be there for you all the fucking time if you let me. But you hold these pieces of yourself and I don’t understand why. You hide behind these walls and allow your family to dictate your life, but when I want to talk about our future, you shut down on me and accuse me of being like them when we both know I am nothing like them. What am I doing wrong? Tell me so I can fix it. I want to be the man you deserve.”

“Maybe I don’t deserve you or anyone because I’m not even worth it. Obviously everyone thinks I can’t think for myself.”

“Are you serious right now? Do you want to throw a fucking pity party for yourself? Because I refuse to do it for you. Get it together, Lacey! Don’t let your cancer define you. It’s gone; you beat it. You are so much stronger than you’ll ever realize,” he urged, but she looked away and it irritated him to the core. “And stop listening to everyone else; listen to your heart. Do what you want because that’s what I want for you. I want you to be happy, but all I am asking is for you to have the consideration to include me in decisions that are life-altering. You are just shutting me out, not even giving me the chance to decide with you. We are supposed to be a team, but you went from being a team player to a one-man team, and it’s pissing me off, Lacey. Include me.”

“You say you want to be included and make a team decision, but every time I don’t agree with you, you blow up on me.”

“What! When did I blow up? Minus now?”

“You want me to do what you want, or it’s no way.” Her tears started falling in floods again as she shook her head. “And I won’t allow you to do that to me. I did it for years with my dad, and I won’t allow you to do it to me.”

Frustrated beyond belief, he shook his head “You know what, you’re delusional. I am the most patient man in the world; my dad calls me a fucking pussy, Lacey! I can sit here and say all this till I’m blue in the face, but you’re already shaking your head,” he said, completely disgusted with this argument. “You need someone to blame for you freaking out, and you are pushing it all on me. Whatever. When you’re ready to have an adult conversation, I’ll be in my man cave,” he said and then he turned, heading to his cave.

“Fine,” she yelled at his back.

“Fine,” he yelled back, and when he got to the door, his eyes met hers and he honestly almost gave in. He nearly went to her and wrapped his arms around her to comfort her, but that would be giving in to her. That would be condoning her immature behavior. For blaming him for everything when he did no wrong. He tried being supportive, he tried to talk to her about the whole thing, but she was so damn stubborn and didn’t want to hear a thing he wanted to say.

Fine. They could talk in the morning, and maybe then she’d talk to him rationally instead of flying off the damn handle. He understood that it was stressful and that she was scared, but damn, give him a chance to talk. To try to figure out some way to make her feel better about the whole thing. He could accept that she didn’t want to have kids—that was fine—he was going to suggest adoption, but she wouldn’t even allow him to. It was whatever; they could talk in the morning.

But when he woke up, Lacey was gone.

Lacey was ignoring his calls.

Her phone had started ringing as soon as she landed, but she put it on silent and went straight to the women’s health center. As she stood at the podium in front of more than a hundred women who had either won their battle or were fighting for their lives, with tears in her eyes and love in her heart, she talked about strength and about loving yourself, but she felt like a complete fraud.

Where was this person last night?

Because the person who stood in front of Karson and yelled and screamed was a complete coward. Especially after leaving without even saying goodbye. She wanted to call and apologize, but she was so embarrassed. Karson was right. About everything, but she just flipped. She was tired of being told what to do, and she felt like he was going to do just that. He knew what he wanted, and he deserved that, but she couldn’t give it to him. Because of that, she put up the biggest wall in the world and placed all the blame on him.

It was her crutch. One she wasn’t proud of, but it always came out when she felt like the world was coming down on her. When her dad tried to control her, she shut down and conceded, the same with Rachel, even. But the only time she didn’t was when Karson was there, when he was supporting her, being her rock. But as he held her gaze last night, trying to suggest things that she had already thought of, all she saw was him saying fuck it and throwing her out. She wouldn’t back down from her decision, and she knew she owed it to him to talk it through, but in the end, she knew that he would decide that she wasn’t worth it.

So she left.

They needed some distance; she needed to think, and being around him, thinking wasn’t an option. He wanted to talk things out and fix them, but sometimes things weren’t fixable. This was one of those things. Maybe love wasn’t enough to hold them together, and that scared her. She had started to build a life with Karson, and like she had said last night, maybe she didn’t deserve it. Any of it.

He said not to allow her cancer to hold her back, that it didn’t define her, but for her whole adult life, even her younger life, cancer was her evil. It took her mother, her womanhood, her confidence in herself, and now because she was scared it would take all that from her child, it would ultimately take Karson away too. Because of all that, it did define her and she was terrified of it. At any moment, it could come back and take everything she had worked so hard for. And she couldn’t do that to her child. She wouldn’t.

But that more than likely meant she was going to lose Karson.

And she couldn’t decide what was worse because either way, she would lose everything.

Closing her eyes, she wished she could suffer from amnesia. Like forget everything. Forget watching her mother suffer and then die. Forget the pain, the feeling of dying and losing a part of herself that, if she wouldn’t have remembered its being there, she wouldn’t miss. She wished that she could forget how much pain she felt when she lost Karson and maybe even his presence altogether. Because maybe then the thought of his being with someone else, making a child and being happy, wouldn’t hurt so badly. Maybe then she wouldn’t feel like she was going to dissolve into nothingness because she didn’t have him.

But then again, why? Why would she want that?

If she didn’t remember watching her mother fight so hard and die trying, she wouldn’t have had the strength to fight her own battle. Yeah, she lost a piece of herself, but because of that, she was helping the world. And forgetting Karson was just plain dumb. He was her saving grace, her other half, her forever, and forgetting him would be worse than living through the pain of losing him.

Running her hands through her hair, she wished her world could be perfect. She wished that her family loved Karson, that she wasn’t scared to have children, and that they could live happily ever after. But as she sat at her desk, clicking through her email, she didn’t see that happening. She saw herself growing old and alone because no one would ever be Karson. She wanted to believe that maybe she would move on, but as soon as she thought it, she knew it was downright hilarious.

There was one person in the world for her and that was Karson.

Her forever.

Blinking back her tears, she swallowed past the lump in her throat as her desk phone rang. Glancing at it, she cleared her throat and then picked it up. “Lacey King, how can I help you?”

“Well, Mrs. King, let me tell you how you can help me,” Karson said and her heart completely stopped in her chest. “You can first explain to me how it is okay for my wife to run off and get on a plane without telling me goodbye. Without kissing me and promising that she would be back because I’m sitting here, thinking that she won’t. So please, can you help me with that?”

“Karson,” she whispered.

“Plus, Mrs. King, I think it is ridiculous that I had to call your work phone to get ahold of you,” he added, causing her lip to start to tremble. “Is your phone broken or are you ignoring it?”

She bit her lip to keep it from moving as she closed her eyes. “I’ve been busy all morning, and I was going to call you once I left the office.”

“Couldn’t text me that?”

Wiping away the tear that rolled down her face, she sucked in a deep breath. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Say that you love me, that you’ll be home when I get home tomorrow.”

Clearing her throat, she wiped away another round of tears as her heart thudded against her chest. “I love you, and I wish I wouldn’t have left without saying goodbye because I miss you so much,” she whispered as she sucked in a deep breath.

“Are you coming home to me, Lacey?”

She nodded even though he couldn’t see her, but then the door opened and Rachel burst in, saying, “I need you to sign this, and then I have a lady on line two who wants to order in bulk for some kind of goodie bag? For something, I don’t know, she wants to talk to you.”

When Lacey looked up, Rachel’s eyes filled with worry as Lacey said, “Karson, I need to go.”

“Seriously?” he asked. “I am trying to talk to you.”

“I know, and I’ll call you back. I promise.”

“Okay, I love you.”

“I love you too,” she said and then said bye before setting the phone down. Closing her eyes, she pinched the bridge of her nose as she said, “Now what do you need?”

“What’s wrong, first?”

“Nothing. What do you want, Rachel?” she asked, meeting her best friend’s eyes. She must have known that Lacey wasn’t in the mood because she didn’t press for info, only did what she came into the room for. After talking to Melissa Eaton about ordering over three hundred pieces for goodie bags for a breast cancer survivors’ gala for over an hour, Lacey hung up the phone and leaned back into her chair as Rachel set her with a look.