Everyone rolled their eyes.
“In
Twelfth Night
, Orsino loves Olivia. Olivia loves Cesario. And Cesario, who is really Violet dressed as a man, loves Orsino.
That’s
a triangle. What you’re experiencing is more like a love
V
. Dune is the point in the middle. You are on the left, and Skye is on the right.” She squint-paused. “Actually, maybe it’s a love
W
. He’s the spike caught between the two of you.”
“Control alt delete!” Bill Gates snapped. “None of this makes sense. Either he likes you or he doesn’t. And if he
doesn’t
, I suggest you reboot and move on to someone who does.”
“Nonsense,” Oprah snapped. “The universe will give this to you if it’s meant to be. Compromise with Ripple. You teach her what Massie likes
if
she teaches you what Dune likes. Once you understand him better, you’ll know if you’re true soul mates.”
“In the meantime,” Einstein chimed in, “Bill Gates and I will try to figure out how to make the Jell-O in the pool work. If you can help him pull that off, he’ll probably think you’re pretty cool.”
“It’s a rather uninspired prank if you ask me.” Bill removed his glasses and dabbed his forehead with the gray felt usually used to clean computer screens. “But chilling gallons of sugary water in July will be a fun challenge.” He put his glasses back on. “And something
he
obviously couldn’t manage on his own.”
“Honnnn-eyyyy, I’m home!” Marsha Gregory called from across the condo. “Costco was a madhouse and I forgot to bring my own bags.”
David Beckham scurried out from under the blue and green polka-dot duvet and Kristen pulled off her wig and stuffed it behind her pillow. “Hi, Mom.”
She turned to dismiss the Witty Committee, but they were already gone.
ROOF
Monday, July 20
10:45 A.M.
Kristen shimmied her butt up the Baxters’ gritty sloping roof and repositioned herself in the center of her nubby coral beach towel. Ripple had suggested they spend their study session elevated so they could be closer to the sun’s tanning rays. And in the spirit of Oprah’s suggestion to compromise, Kristen had agreed. But her sizzling skin, which now matched her bright red bikini, had a different opinion.
Below, Brice was speed-loading his board on top of the Chevy. He’d just gotten a call that the waves on Fire Island were going off, and he was determined to catch the one-thirty ferry.
Dune was already at the skate park—at least, that was what Ripple had told Kristen. For all she knew he was sipping virgin coladas by the pool with alpha soon-to-be-ninth-grader Skye Hamilton, drawing coconut-scented Hawaiian Tropic hearts on her zitless back.
“Next question,” Kristen groaned, trying to stay focused, at least while her employer was still within earshot. “In fourteen hundred ninety-two—”
“Ms. Gregory, I do not, not,
nawt
care about fourteen hundred ninety-two. Massie wasn’t even
alive
then.” Ripple pursed her Vincent Longo Bronzella–coated lips and rolled over onto her flat belly. The 3-D daisy on the butt of her yellow bikini was flattened, and two of its petals were bent. Her fried hair had been over-brushed, causing her spilt ends to stick out like tiny worms trying to warm themselves after a chilly rainfall. “So unless you have a list of fourteen hundred ninety-two ways to become Massie, or fourteen hundred ninety-two ways to convince a crush that you’re as
sophisticated
as Massie, then
thisss
”—she pointed at Kristen, then at herself—“is over.”
Down in the driveway Brice shielded his eyes from the sun and looked up. “Be good,” he called. Then he waved goodbye and quickly jumped in his truck, like a boy desperate to escape before his mother saddled him with a list of chores.
Once the engine had started and the blue truck was reversing out of the cracked driveway, Kristen snapped the history book shut. “You’re totally right.” She rolled onto her stomach and turned to Ripple, ignoring the blue textbook as it slid toward the eave. “I was just trying to look professional until your dad left.”
“Really?” Ripple raised a blond brow.
“Pinky-swear.” Kristen held out her finger.
Ripple practically lunged for it.
“I was thinking. . . .” Kristen summoned Oprah’s plan. “The only way for you to truly understand Massie is if we go shopping.”
“Seriously?” Ripple beamed.
Kristen smiled back. “Yes.”
“No, no, no wayyyyyyyyyyy!” Ripple rolled onto her back and bicycled her blond hair–covered legs in the air.
“Who knows?” Kristen lowered the brim on the old brown Von Dutch trucker hat she’d found in the back of her closet, something she’d decided to wear BMB (behind Massie’s back) in case Dune was home. “Maybe you could put a fourth-grade Itty Bitty Pretty Committee together and be their alpha.”
Ripple kicked her legs harder.
“
Iffff
you do one thing for me . . .”
Ripple stopped pedaling and lowered her legs.
“What,” she said, like it wasn’t a question.
“You teach me how to dress to impress a skater, and I’ll teach you how to shop like Massie.”
“Why?” Ripple sat up; this time, her tone was unmistakably full of questions. “Who do you like?”
“No one.” Kristen fanned her cheeks. “I have a costume party next weekend and—”
“Is it Jax?” Ripple’s light brown eyes were full of insecurity, not cattiness. And for a split second, Kristen took pleasure in the idea that another girl might consider her a threat. Too bad that other girl wasn’t Skye.
“It’s not Jax.”
“Scooter?”
“No.”
“Tyler?”
“No.”
“Cam?”
“No.”
“Plovert?”
“No.”
“Josh?”
“Stop!” Kristen shouted. Getting interrogated by a nine-year-old was more humiliating than wearing an old head trend (in poo brown!) to impress a boy who wasn’t even home.
Ripple was silent while she considered the other possibilities. “Who else do you know who skates?” And then she slapped her hand against her goopy lips. “Noooo!”
Kristen nodded shyly.
“Massie’s crush? Derek Harrington?” Ripple widened her narrow eyes as much as she possibly could.
“Gawd, no! It’s Dune!” Kristen accidentally blurted. It was all she could do to keep the little wannabe from thinking she’d ever, in a billion years, steal her alpha’s crush.
“My brother?” Ripple screeched, as if they had been talking about Shrek.
“Yeah.” Kristen peeked down at the driveway to make sure no one had been listening. “Now will you help me?”
“Yeah,” Ripple said as she eyed Kristen’s pasty legs. “Someone’s got to.”
WESTCHESTER, NY
Monday, July 20
11:58 A.M.
The twenty-seven dollars Kristen spent on the cab ride to the new Roxy/Quiksilver store was almost half of what she’d made during her short career as a tutor-sitter. But as she saw it, the money was an investment in her future. A future she could no longer imagine without her CLAM crush.
After a quick sweat swipe with the nubby coral towel, both girls decided their new “thems” couldn’t wait for a shower and wardrobe change. They wanted to be transformed immediately. So off they went covered in little more than sarongs and SPF 30.
“Are you sure this is the best place?” Kristen asked Ripple as she clutched the mini-surfboard door handle and stepped inside the Hawaiian-themed boutique. The blast of air-conditioning rendered her red and orange wrap useless and made the blond hair on her arms stand up.
“Trust me.” Ripple led her to the back of the store where giant colorful posters of sunny girls with cute braids and sea-sprayed bangs charged giant waves in bright bikinis. Their simple lifestyles suddenly made the pads, cleats, and unflattering kneesocks of soccer seem stinky and un-cute.
“May I help you?” asked a glitter-dusted Asian girl with a perky grin and a pricing gun. She wore faded denim short shorts, a yellow tube top, and a pink lei around her neck, which suddenly seemed ten times more creative and alluring than Kristen’s conservative Coach locket. Brightly colored cotton in fun, girly prints swirled all around her, the fabrics looking as light and giddy as the girls they were designed for. And suddenly Kristen longed to be one of them. She longed to be satisfied by a beautiful day at the beach. To be tickled by her whimsical wardrobe. To be riding in a beat-up old car with no AC, her sand-covered, home-polished toes sticking out the windows. She longed to be free. She longed to be Roxy.
“Can you show us your baggy cargo shorts and—”
Kristen snapped back to reality at the sound of Ripple’s pinched voice and grabbed her by the wrist. “We’re okay, thanks,” she told the salesgirl.
“Kewl,” said the girl as she gladly punched a
SALE
sticker on a pair of silver skull–covered board shorts.
“Rule number one,” Kristen hissed. “If you want to shop like Massie, never ask for help. Make them think
you’re
the expert.”
Ripple hyper-nodded. “What else?”
Kristen pulled her down onto a bright blue leather couch by the dressing room and leaned in. She was about to reveal Massie’s trade secrets and couldn’t risk being overheard. Not even by the nearby mannequin in the rainbow-striped bikini.
“Rule number two. Never check price tags. Act like you have endless amounts of cash.”
“What if you don’t?” Ripple squeaked.
Kristen fought the urge to hug the girl, who at that moment could have been a younger version of herself.
“Peek at the price in the dressing room,” Kristen whisper-advised. “If it’s too expensive, ask for it in a color you know they don’t make.”
“I thought we weren’t supposed to ask for help.” Ripple’s narrow eyes were wide again.
“That’s outside the dressing room. Once you’re inside, you should ask for help all the time. Make them
work
for you.”
Ripple nodded like she was finally starting to catch on.
“When deciding between two sizes, always try the bigger one on first. That way you get to parade through the store in something that’s too big, asking for a smaller size. The fat people will be totally jealous.”
Ripple licked her lips, eating it all up.
“Oh, and skin is in.” Kristen suddenly recalled the last thing Massie had e-mailed the Pretty Committee before leaving for riding camp. “The more you show, the better.”
“Like, how much skin?” Ripple slid her hands under her butt. Her sweaty palms rubbed against the leather seat of the couch and made a low farting sound that neither of them acknowledged. The moment was too serious.
“As much as you can afford, I guess.”
Ripple crinkled her brows in confusion.
“Snakeskin,”
Kristen clarified. “Nawt Ripple-skin. Now me. What does Dune like?” She stood and flip-flopped over to a rack of breezy feminine dresses full of fresh colors, playful patterns, and fetching adornments like heart-shaped buttons and braided straps. “What about this one?” She pulled an orange T-shirt dress off the rack that had white dandelions stitched across the bottom. In the poster on the far wall it had been paired with chunky turquoise beaded bracelets. The sight alone would have given Massie a rash. But it filled Kristen with the buzz of springtime. And springtime filled everyone with love—even surfers.
“Dune likes gray,” Ripple said flatly. Her announcement felt like the arrival of storm clouds at a Fourth of July barbecue. Ripple held up a pair of knee-length cargoes covered in more pockets than a Kipling backpack. “I would put it with one of these.” She offered a dull beige racer-back tank and a faded red short-sleeve hoodie.
“Really?” Kristen asked, letting go of the dress. It swung back into place on the bar with the other girly dresses to the teasing schoolyard tune
neh-neh-neh-neh-nehhhh, you ca-ann’t-have-meeeee.
After a few more mocking swings, Kristen finally punched it.
With little enthusiasm, she tried on the shorts and the red hoodie (at least it had
some
color) and found that, unfortunately, they fit.
“He’s gonna love them.” Ripple clapped her hands together like an overly zealous wardrobe stylist. “Now, let’s go buy some skin.”
“Sounds good.” Kristen did her best to sound upbeat. She even managed to smile when she handed the cashier the last of her tutor-sitting money—a move that would have been a lot less painful had she bought the cute orange dress.
But it was too late.
She was now the proud owner of a baggy outfit in drab winter colors that made her look more like Cesario than Viola. And, according to the receipt in her clammy hand, all sales were final.
KRISTEN’S BEDROOM
Tuesday
,
July 21
1:07 P.M.
Kristen was already seven minutes late for GAS Park when the backside of her silver Guess Carousel watch beeped.
Ugh!
She locked her bedroom door, pulled her laptop out of David Beckham’s kitty litter, stuck in the code key, and quickly slapped on her Cleopatra wig. There was no time for a wardrobe change, so instead of wearing the white Greek goddess dress, she tilted the computer’s camera up, hoping no one would notice her baggy gray cargo shorts and faded red hoodie.
The screen came to life. And the members of the Witty Committee stared back at their alpha.
| EINSTEIN (Layne Abeley) | BILL GATES (Danh Bondok) |
| Disguise: tweed coat, bushy mustache, wiry gray wig | Disguise: glasses, light blue button-down, dark blue blazer |
| Expertise: physics | Expertise: technology |
| OPRAH (Rachel Walker) | SHAKESPEARE (Aimee Snyder) |
| Disguise: wavy black wig, gold hoop earrings, pumpkin orange blouse | Disguise: gray bald-in-the-front, curly-in-the-back wig, mustache, white collar sticking out of a black cloak |
| Expertise: anthropology (the study of humankind, not the cute and affordable shabby-chic store) | Expertise: affairs of the heart and the Romance languages |