Know Not Why: A Novel (34 page)

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Somehow, in a twist of fate that defies logic
and science, the glitter from Kristy’s Arthur (and April) poster
got into my hair. She starts trying to brush it out with her
fingers, and I laugh a little, and she laughs a lot, and then I
realize that there’s one person in this elevator who’s not
laughing.

For the first time all night, I remember that
Amber thought I ditched her to go spend all night with Kristy. It’s
like getting hit with a hammer. Or having a humongous elf statue
fall on you.

Shit. Shit. Please don’t mention it, Amber.
Please, please, please don’t mention it.

“You have a boyfriend, right, Kristy?” Amber
asks.

Goddamn. It’s like she’s psychic, and using said
powers for evil.

“Yeah,” Kristy replies, getting all smiley.
“Reddy! Well. Clifford.”

She is so not a portrait of a lady in a recently
jeopardized relationship. Damn it. Damn it.

“How is he?” Amber continues. There’s this edge
to her tone that makes it really clear that this ain’t just
friendly girl chat. Incredibly, Kristy isn’t picking up on it.

“He’s great! He’s going to come back home with
me for Christmas, and I’m so excited. My parents really really love
him, and my little brothers just think he’s like the greatest.
There’s this great hill by my house and we’re going to go sledding,
like, all day every day.”

Amber looks at me. I look at our collapsed elf
friend.

“You know, actually, I was meaning to bring him
up to you!” Kristy continues. “You see, he’s got this friend from
his band, John, who’s been sort of down in the dumps lately because
he broke up with his girlfriend awhile ago, and Reddy and me
decided it’d probably be best if he just started dating again, and
Howie told me that you were single, so I was thinking that maybe if
you ever wanted to do a double date sometime, that would be
so—”

WHY. WHY.

“I don’t think so,” Amber interrupts.

“Oh.” Kristy’s face falls a little. “Howie said
you’d say that.”

Shit.

“He did?” Amber asks, narrowing her eyes.

No. No. Oh no oh no oh no.

“Yeah,” Kristy replies, missing every one of my
spastic facial tics that mean ‘STOP TALKING.’ “And I get that it is
totally weird and nerve-racking, but John is such a nice guy! And
he’s really smart, and I think you two would hit it off. Sometimes
it’s fun to try new things! Who knows, it might really help to get
your mind off stuff.”

Shit. Why did I tell her about Dennis? What was
I thinking?

“What stuff?” Amber asks, deathly.

Kristy finally catches on. “Like … other … boys,
or something. I don’t know. Just stuff!”

Amber doesn’t say anything.

Maybe it’s because she’s just not that bothered
about the whole thing.

“You told her,” she says at last, her voice
totally flat. She stares at me.

I think I’m supposed to say something back.
Fuck. What do I say back to that?
No
? Amber’ll see right
through that with her friggin’ bullshit x-ray vision.

I just stare back at her. It’s pathetic.

“You
told her
?” she says then. This time,
inflection comes out to play. “Howie,
nobody
knows that.
Mitch
didn’t even know that.”

“I—”

“I’m sorry!” Kristy jumps in immediately,
wincing. “Gosh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It’s just – it’s
not bad, or anything! He was just worried about you and he needed
to talk.”

“Worried about me,” Amber says flatly.

“Well, yeah!” It’s painful to watch her like
this. “I think it helps a lot when you’ve got a problem like that
to talk to someone who doesn’t know the other person, because that
way, you get an outside perspective, and that’s really—”

But as far as Amber’s concerned, Kristy might as
well not even be talking. All her attention’s on me. “Jesus, Howie,
it’s one thing if you’re ditching me for them left and right. Like,
I get it, far be it from me to deny you your harem of crafts store
hotties, I’m sure I’m really boring to you in comparison, whatever.
But you don’t get to just go talk to
strangers
about my
private—”

“It’s not like that!” Kristy protests.

“Kristy,” I groan. “Don’t—”

“What do you mean?” Amber asks. Oh, God.

“He’s going through a lot of stuff, you know!”
Kristy says. She sounds so goddamn sincere. “And he feels like he
can’t tell you about it! He’s not hanging out with us because
you’re boring! And we’re definitely not his
harem—
”

Amber lets out a dark, disbelieving laugh. “Um,
wow, okay, Pollyanna, color me chastised. You definitely,
definitely know him better than I do.”

“I’m not saying that! It’s just that there’s
this one thing that—”

“Kristy,” I say, panicking, “seriously, fucking
don’t
—”

“Yeah, yes, what a brilliant, romantic,
mysterious secret. ‘Cause I definitely can’t figure out on my own
that he’s sleeping with Cora, or with you, or, hell, both of you,
taking turns—”

Kristy’s jaw drops. “Oh my gosh, what are you
talking about?? He’s
not
.”

“Yeah, okay, sure he’s not. He’s absolutely
not.”

“You know what, I think it’s terrible that he
feels like he has to hide this from you,” Kristy declares, with the
tiniest bit of bite, “and I didn’t even understand why he was at
first. I thought you were his best friend, so you’d want him to be
happy no matter what. But now I’m totally starting to get why—”

“Oh, yeah, you’ve got him all figured out,”
Amber snaps.

“He’s a wonderful person.”

Oh, Jesus Christ.

“Oh, yeah, he’s Prince Charming, he’s absolutely
goddamn wonderful! Do you even know why he took this job?”

“I know it was to meet girls. He told me.”

“To meet girls?” Amber snorts. “Wow, that’s
adorable. He took it because he wanted to fuck you.”

It’s awful. It’s so fucking awful. I can’t
remember the last time I heard Amber swear, really swear. I realize
that’s probably because it was never.

“Meet girls,” Kristy says again, obstinately,
like she can’t comprehend what Amber’s just said.

“No, not so much. He hatched this really fine,
really genius idea that it’d be great to work in an arts ‘n crafts
store because it’d mean he was surrounded by girls all the time.
And apparently these girls would, I dunno, have nothing better to
do than have sex with him twenty-four seven? Personally, I thought
the plan was flawed, but him, he really believed in it. He went in
there for the interview, and he met you, and he decided, ‘Damn,
she’s fine, better tap that ass!’ ‘Tap that like a spine,’ I
believe, was the exact phrasing. Poetry, right? Keatsian splendor.
And so he got the job, and he said everything he said to you,
because he figured you were into him and you were the easiest thing
he could get.”

Kristy looks at me. I feel totally numb. For
some stupid reason all that really registers in my brain is how
blue her eyes are.

After what feels like forever, she looks back at
Amber. “He might have said that to you—”

“He
did
say that to me.”

“—but it doesn’t matter how he felt about me
when we met, anyway. We’re friends now.” She lifts her head higher,
tilts her chin up.

I feel like my heart might collapse. It doesn’t
even make any sense, but it’s just – it’s like if she does one more
thing, one more thing to prove what a good person she is, how much
I don’t deserve to even know her, it’ll be the fucking end of
me.

“Oh, yeah,” Amber agrees scornfully. “You’re
best buddies. And the reason he’s still hanging out with you is
because he’d like nothing more from you than a whole bunch of fun,
hearty, pure, platonic friendship. He’s definitely not waiting
around ‘til the one day when your boyfriend slips up and you
decide—”

“Amber—” I croak, just wanting her to shut
up.

It’s searingly quiet for a few seconds.

“I feel really sorry for you,” Kristy says.

“That’s touching,” Amber spits. “Thank you.”

Kristy swallows. “I mean it. It must be really
hard to love somebody so much for so long and have it not
matter.”

I think I’m going to pass out. Whatever Amber’s
gonna say back to this, I can’t handle it, I just can’t. I look at
her, and there’s something new coloring her whole face. I can’t
begin to predict what it’s gonna turn into.

And then – holy fucking miracle – there’s a
clanging from outside, an unfamiliar voice. “Hey, somebody in
there?”

“Yeah,” I yell, coming to my senses a little.
“Yeah, we’re stuck.”

It’s the janitorial staff, and they get us out
somehow. I’m a little fuzzy on the details even as they’re
happening. I feel like I’m about to die or something. I’m so shaken
in every centimeter of my body, like I can’t even remember what
it’s like to feel steady. Amber and Kristy both stare straight
ahead at nothing.

As soon as the doors open, Kristy bolts.

We don’t move. Just stand there next to each
other.

“Amber,” I finally say, “what the fuck?”

I expect her to go off on me again, but she
doesn’t. All of the venom’s out of her. She sounds nothing besides
tired. “I just want you to stop lying to me. Jesus, Howie. Just –
tell me if it’s Cora, or if it’s Kristy, or what the hell ever. I
just want to know the truth, okay.”

“It’s Arthur,” I say.

She lets out this quiet, disgusted noise. “Don’t
mess with me, Howie.”

“I’m not,” I say, louder. “It’s Arthur.”

She laughs a little. A profoundly unamused
laugh. “What?”

Then she meets my eyes, and the mean laughter
leaves her face.

“I know,” I say. I think I might pass out, I
feel so fucking lightheaded. But, I don’t know, I’m saying it and
it’s like it doesn’t even matter right now. “But – it is. It’s
Arthur. I’m with Arthur, okay?”

Amber just stares at me. I watch it dawn in her
eyes, on her face.

“Howie—” she says.

“I gotta go catch Kristy,” I tell her.

I jog out, up the aisle and out into the lobby,
then through the glass doors outside. It’s freezing out. I left my
coat inside. It’s a quiet, pitch black night. The parking lot is
draped in light from the lampposts. It’s snowing gently.

Kristy’s not too far away. She’s standing in
that space where the sidewalk meets the parking lot. She must have
called Cliff, and now she’s waiting for him to come get her.

I take some time just to look at her. Then I
take a deep breath.

“Kristy,” I say when I come up behind her,
“listen, thank you for being so—”

She turns around. And she slaps me.

It’s a doozy, too. Every single thought leaves
my head and for a few almost blissful seconds there’s nothing
besides the sting on my cheek and a faint ringing in my ears. It’s
just
OW, OW, OW, OW
.

“Ow,” I finally say out loud. My voice is all
raspy.

Her face immediately melts into worry. “Oh, God,
was that really bad? I’m sorry.” She reaches up and presses her
fingers really lightly against my cheek.

“It doesn’t matter,” I say impatiently. My
well-being isn’t exactly the priority right now. “Kristy—”

Then she seems to realize what she’s doing. She
pulls her hand back quick, like it suddenly burns her to touch
me.

“I can’t believe you would do something like
that,” she says, her voice quavering. “You were always so nice to
me. I always thought you were so nice.”

“I
am
. Or, I’m not, but – Kristy, come
on, listen—”

“God, Howie,” she says. The words come out
sounding all watery. She bites her lip, and I can tell she’s about
to cry.

I’ve never hated myself like I do right now.

“There’s Reddy,” she says, and I turn to see the
dull orange headlights across the lot. They seem soft and surreal
through the snow.

“He’s all the way across the parking lot,” I
point out. “It’s icy—”

“I can walk,” she interrupts firmly. I just
stand there like a dumbass and watch her as she carefully treks her
way across the parking lot.

Even after they pull out of the lot, I don’t
move. I can’t quite register what just happened. She was never the
one who was supposed to get hurt. I mean, it’s not like it was ever
gonna be fun and happy times if anybody got upset over this mess,
but never for a second did I think that Kristy would wind up
feeling bad because of something I did.

I remember going into the store on that first
day and trying to think all that dumb shit about wanting to get
with her.

“There you are. Where’s your coat?” I turn
around to see Arthur coming cheerfully towards me. “It would really
put a damper on the evening if you succumbed to the elements—”

He gets close enough to see the look on my face,
I guess, and he stops talking right away.

“What happened?” he asks, looking anxious.

And wouldn’t you know, try as I might, I can’t
really concoct a succinct little response.

“Uh,” is all I got.

He comes up to me and rests a hand on my arm.
“Howie?”

“Oh, holy shit,” I say, and I kind of just sink
into him, burying my face in his shoulder. “Holy shit, man.”

“Hey,” he says real soft, rubbing my back. “It’s
okay. It’s okay.”

I don’t know how long we stay like that. A long
time.

Chapter Twenty-Two

By the time I get home I’m feeling a little more
alive. Arthur took me back inside and we stole leftover cookies
from the reception under the guise of helping clean up. Then we sat
out in the stairwell for half an hour with a plate of said cookies,
and I told him a garbled version of what went down. He was all nice
and practical about it, reminding me that Kristy is literally
incapable of staying mad at anyone for longer than twenty-four
hours. He also pointed out that Amber has no problem with
homosexuality, and loves me a whole lot besides, and it seems like
her rogue bitch attack stemmed from the fact that she wanted to
know the truth – which, now, she does.