Knife Fight and Other Struggles (33 page)

Dear Grandmother

I love you and miss you and I am sorry I did not come to the hospital in time. Mom was away from the house when the hospital called and it was three hours before she came back and I could tell her what they said. I waited for Mom instead of coming right over on the bus. Mom said it was okay but I know you would have wanted to see me before you died. We were too late by the time Mom came home and I could tell her. I am really sorry. So I am going to put this book in the coffin like they used to do with the mummies in Egypt so you will have something to read wherever you are.

Hopefully nobody sees me do it because I don’t want to get in more trouble.

Love

Your
stupid
grandson

Neal

(from the introduction to
The Nothing Book
, Part II, Ibid)

I SAW

(marginalia from the Introduction to
The Nothing Book
, Part II, Ibid)

December 15, 1979

This is the first entry in Neal Smith’s journal. I am Neal Smith, obviously. I’m a Grade Ten student at Fenlan District Secondary School, and I don’t know what I’m going to be writing in here. I thought this book was gone forever. But when I found it in the attic of the old house, while I was getting the Christmas lights, I thought I should start something in it.

My grandmother gave it to me when I was a kid. And I wrote some things in it, which you, who are reading this now, can look back and see. I am not doing that now myself because what I wrote was
pretty lame
.
NO

I said I am in Grade 10. I am in the Advanced stream, which means I can go to Grade 13 and university if I keep my grades up. So far so good. My average in Grade Nine was 83%. If I can keep it above 80 by Grade 12, I’ll win an Ontario Scholar award. That would be cool.

I don’t have a girlfriend right now but I think Cathy Gervais likes me. She has a locker two over from mine and says hi every morning. She’s really pretty and really nice. The only trouble is she is going around with Mike Palmer, who is in Grade 11 and has a moustache. Maybe she is tired of him. In the cafeteria last week, I heard her make a joke that Mike was getting love handles from all the beer he drank on the weekend.

Maybe she will break up with him over Christmas.

(from “The Journal of Neal R. Smith,”
The Nothing Book
, Ibid)

XOX

(marginalia from “The Journal of Neal R. Smith,”
The Nothing Book
, Ibid)

December 18, 1979

We went to Toronto today to do Christmas shopping. Well to be honest Mom went Christmas shopping. She drove in with me and Kevin, and we all split up at the Eaton Centre for a few hours. Kevin and
me
I
went up Yonge Street to look at Mr. Gameways Ark. It was cool; Kevin is a big-time wargamer and has been trying to get me to play Squad Leader with him. I wasn’t going to at first but after spending some time at Gameways Ark I might just.

It is in a big old bank building, and on the top floor there is a club for gaming where mostly they play Advanced Dungeons and Dragons. That is not the cool thing about it (although I bought a set of dice and a lead necromancer miniature from Ral Partha, and checked out the Dungeon Master’s Guide, which I will probably buy on Boxing Day with Christmas money). Someone had gone and built a full-sized mock-up of the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise right in the middle of the club. We took a picture, which when it is developed I’ll stick in here, of me in the Captain’s Chair. I wish there was one of these closer to Fenlan. Maybe not this one though; Kevin told me that they run a witch’s coven here at night. I believe him.

But that wasn’t the biggest news of the trip. On the way back we went into Sam the Record Man on Yonge Street. They should call it The World’s Biggest Record Store, but maybe The World’s Biggest Bookstore across the street has the trademark for that. Who do you think we saw there? Cathy Gervais!

She was with her cousin Pat, who is not as pretty and lives in Willowdale, which is just up the subway. Cathy said she was in town visiting for a week before Christmas. Kevin said we should hang around and we did for an hour. But Pat didn’t like Kevin that much (I think) and whispered something to Cathy and Cathy said they had to go. But before they left she said, just to me, “I’m really sorry Neal. Maybe we can hang out more when I get back to Fenlan.”

It was a good day in Toronto.
Maybe
I will have a girlfriend by 1980.

December 22, 1979

I should be careful what I wish for. This afternoon at the mall Mike Palmer said he would beat me up. He told me to stay away from his girl. I told him nothing was going on but maybe something is going on because he called me a lying piece of shit and got ready to hit me. He only stopped because he saw a security guard coming. But he said he would get me later.

Maybe I should stay away from Cathy.

(from “The Journal of Neal R. Smith,”
The Nothing Book
, Ibid)

December 24, 1979

Dear Grandson,

I have taken (Illegible). He will not (illegible) again.

Merry Christmas.

Love Forever,

(Illegible)

December 25, 1979

Who are you who is reading my journal?

(from the final entry of “The Journal of Neal R. Smith,”
The Nothing Book
, Ibid)

Dear Grandmother,

It is New Year’s Eve now. Mom is going out with a new friend so it is
just me here.
just Kevin and I
. I just read through the whole book again. I was scared to, but I did. I remember now—I put the book in your coffin at the funeral home. No one saw me. Unless Mom snuck up and took it out when I wasn’t looking, there is no way it could have gotten to the attic.

I saw that it is all marked up—some of it from when I was a kid and would show it to you. But some too after you died. The handwriting is the same as before. I think you are trying to talk to me from wherever you are. Maybe you are stuck in between this world and the next one.

Maybe you should go to the light?

Love

Neal

Dear Grandmother,

You crossed out my last sentence. Is it because there is no light where you are?

Love Neal

Send Kevin away. Write me a poem.

Did you hurt Mike Palmer? He is in the hospital you know.

A poem.

(from an untitled section dated December 31, 1979,
The Nothing Book
, Ibid)