Read Knees Up Mother Earth Online

Authors: Robert Rankin

Tags: #sf_humor, #Fiction, #Fantasy, #General, #Science Fiction, #Humorous, #Humorous Stories

Knees Up Mother Earth (40 page)

BOOK: Knees Up Mother Earth
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8

For so it is written, that no matter wherever a groundskeeper will be employed, that groundskeeper will
always
be a Scotsman. (Check out
The Simpsons
if you are in doubt.)

n_8
9

The Campbell’s Scottish accent having been established, it can now be taken as read, so to speak.

n_9
10

Such as a sportsman, perhaps!

n_10
11

Which he was saving up to have surgically removed. This player did
not
attend the post-match communal showers.

n_11
12

Not to be confused with the other Trevor Brooking.

n_12
13

The old ones
are
the best.

n_13
14

Up at the top, probably.

n_14
15

The term “reunion concert” is mostly a misnomer. It means that the band that have been playing endlessly and relentlessly for the last three decades have got a new gig in a town they haven’t played before.

n_15
16

Rockney rhyming slang – Nina Simone: telephone.

n_16
17

Rockney rhyming slang – mosh pit: kit.

n_17
18

Marsha Hunt: fool (probably).

n_18
19

Leo Fender: bender.

n_19
20

Ravi Shankar: wanker.

n_20
21

Not to be confused with Marshall amps.

n_21
22

Backstage pass: arse.

n_22
23

Gordon Giltrap: crap (and how true).

n_23
24

Dave is the one with the exceedingly large ears. In case by chance you might have forgotten. As if!

n_24
25

Ho ho ho.

n_25
26

Lest the reader think that the opportunity for another running gag about musically inclined authors was passed up here, let it be said that Stevie Wonder began as an author, but changed his mind and became a musician instead. Something to do with him not being able to see the the typewriter keys. Or something.

n_26
27

No he didn’t. [Ed.]

n_27
28

Surely that’s a telephone box? [Ed. again.]

n_28
29

God bless you, Spike Milligan. Wherever you are.

n_29
30

The old ones are still the best.

n_30
31

Not be confused with the other Trevor Brooking.

n_31
32

Should such a proverb actually exist.

n_32
33

A size-eighteen pink gingham one, with a matching snood.

n_33
34

Or metaphorical. Or neither.

n_34
35

“And the roar of his Triumph could be heard throughout the land.” Exodus (somewhere or other).

n_35
36

He was the one with the nose like an engineer’s elbow.

n_36
37

The one who had strange ways about him.

n_37
38

For the
Klingon Dictionary
is copyright, so you can’t quote from it.

n_38
39

This armature leans at forty-five degrees.

n_39
40

Make that fourteen.

n_40
41

Or hickery dickery duck, in the alternative Klingon tongue.

n_41
42

Bob and Bing were not in that one, either.

n_42
43

As John is a generic name for
Blue Peter
presenters, no conclusions can be drawn as to his actual identity (thankfully).

n_43
44

But it wasn’t
that
one. Because
that
one has a really litigious solicitor.

n_44
45

It
was
that one. Allegedly.

n_45
46

The very last time. I promise you.

n_46
47

Or is that now Chelski? Schmelski!?

n_47
48

Possibly something to do with that movie
The Exorcist
and the now legendary line, “Your mother darns socks in Hell!”

n_48
49

The one with the A Team-patterned cover.

n_49
50

Probably thrown by the chef who had prepared luncheon.

n_50
51

This is
not
one of the many interesting facts about football.

n_51
52

The telephonist had recently worked in Budgens.

A Code 10 is a price check at the checkout.

A Code 14 is a man exposing himself in the customer car park.

n_52
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Document ID: 17a9c4fa-8d72-43ae-b43f-c5505d8920b1

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BOOK: Knees Up Mother Earth
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