Kitten Catastrophe (17 page)

‘This. Is. Appalling,’ she spat. ‘Firstly, to think that those horrible little girls would play with poor Jasmeena’s feelings in this way, and secondly, that they would involve as talented a celebrity as Danni Minnow . . . This hoax is the sort of thing that could tarnish Danni’s name! We must put those minxes in their place right away,’ she said decisively. Her dark blue eyes glinted with fury. ‘Leave it to me,’ she said, drawing herself up to her full height and flicking her shiny mane of hair. She trotted out of the room, her heels clicking on the kitchen tiles, as crisp, impressive and efficient as ever.

Fergus smiled, a hint of menace in his expression. ‘You can relax now, Bertie. Now Mum’s on the case, Kezia won’t know what’s hit her.’

I smiled nervously.

Fiona was a fast worker: I’d seen that from the way she had organized Nev’s ‘surveillance operation’. But even that didn’t prepare me for the way she was now attacking this new problem with all guns blazing.

She came back into the room moments later and ordered Fergus to call Jazz. ‘No offence, Bertie darling, but after the misunderstanding you had with her earlier, I think it’s best if Fergus gets in touch, don’t you?’

I nodded meekly. I was only too willing to let Fiona take control of things, if it meant Jazz would come out on top of this awful situation.

Fergus called the Brown household and sweet-talked Jazz’s mum into letting him and his mum go round to talk to Jazz. Apparently Jazz had barricaded herself into her room, and Mrs Brown was not impressed by her daughter’s behaviour. ‘If you or your mum can talk any sense into her, be my guest, is all I can say,’ she told Fergus. ‘She’s been unbearable for days now. I’m at the end of my tether.’

I tagged along, even though I was secretly quaking in my smelly old trainers at the prospect of Jazz shouting at me again. Cupid was sitting at the bottom of the stairs when we arrived, washing behind his ears. He didn’t even look up when we crowded into the hall, only let out a soft growl and said, ‘Good on yer, Frizz-ball. Brought in the cavalry, I see.’

Mrs Brown turned at the sound of Cupid’s voice and said affectionately, ‘He’s a big old cutie, that cat.’ She looked at me and added, ‘I don’t know if Jazz has told you the news, but it looks as though Cupid’s not going to be staying with us.’

Uh-oh, I thought. So Jazz already knows.

Mrs Brown went on: ‘A friend of his owners called today to say she’d seen the poster. She’s got their new phone number so she’s contacted them. Apparently they lost Cupid while they were packing up the house.’

‘Oh,’ I said, concentrating on sounding surprised.

‘Yes, you can imagine what Jazz’s reaction was,’ said Mrs Brown. ‘I’ll be sad to see him go too. He’s a real pleasure to have around the place. At least he’s pleased to see me when I get home – unlike some daughters I could mention . . .’ she added pointedly.

Fiona patted Jazz’s mum on the arm in a gesture which, for her, was comforting. ‘You know what, dear, I think you may need to go easy on your daughter.’ And she quickly explained about the bullying and how the Gruesome Twosome had tricked Jazz with the non-audition. ‘Apparently poor Jasmeena had made a huge effort to impress the two older girls: designed her own outfit, learned a new routine . . .’

Mrs Brown looked horrified.

‘I can’t believe she didn’t tell me this!’ she gasped, her hands flying to her face. ‘My poor Jazz! No wonder she was in such a strop at the weekend.’

Fiona calmly went on to outline her plan. Then, at her suggestion, Fergus went upstairs to fetch Jazz. There were muffled voices and then a sullen Jazz emerged at the top of the stairs, her face tear-streaked, her eyes red raw. A lump rose in my throat.

We sat in the Browns’ sitting room for what seemed like hours as Fiona took Jazz off in private. Mrs Brown kept asking me what I had known about the bullying, and she paced up and down the room, biting her nails and berating herself for not finding out the details sooner. It was horrible.

At last Fiona and Jazz returned. Jazz’s puffy face was lit up by a huge grin, her previously teary eyes now sparkly and shining.

‘Great news!’ announced Fiona, rubbing her hands. ‘Jasmeena – won’t you tell them?’

Jazz’s mum, Fergus and I listened agog, as Jazz breathlessly confirmed that the text had been a fake. ‘You were right not to trust it, Bertie,’ she said apologetically. ‘I don’t know how you knew, but you were right. Fiona just called Danni and asked her if she had texted me. She hadn’t. When I called the number back, I got Kezia’s voicemail.’

I looked away guiltily. ‘S’OK,’ I mumbled. Inside I was thinking, ‘Ha! What a numpty, leaving her voicemail on! Not so clever now, are we, Kez?’

‘But everything’s going to be great!’ Jazz was saying, flinging her arms around me. ‘Fiona told Danni everything. She was horrified that I’d been . . . well . . . bullied.’

‘And?’ I asked, leaning forward.

‘This is the best bit . . .’ Jazz paused for dramatic effect, her dark brown eyes shining. I felt like one of the contestants on
Who’s Got Talent?
, waiting to find out if I’d been voted off. ‘You’re not going to believe it, Bertie –
Danni’s coming to school!’

I glanced at Fiona, who nodded curtly (but I couldn’t help noticing her cheeks had gone pink with pleasure). ‘That’s right. She’s agreed to help Jasmeena set the record straight.’

‘How?’ I asked, impatient to know the details.

‘Danni Minnow is going to come in and give a talk about her life and career IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL! And I am going to get to look after her! I cannot WAIT to see the look on Kezia’s face.’

‘I have already spoken to the Head,’ Fiona said, ‘and I told him that Danni will call him this evening to arrange it. He was thrilled, as you can imagine. What man
wouldn’t
be thrilled to get a call from a top celebrity as beautiful and talented as Danni Minnow?’ She raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow and grinned mischievously. ‘I think you’ll find he’d move heaven and earth, not to mention the school timetable, to fit in a visit from an international superstar.’

‘Fiona!’ said Jazz’s mum in mock shock.

‘Wow.’ I shook my head in genuine admiration.

‘Wow indeed,’ said Fiona. ‘There is one thing, though. May I make a suggestion?’

We all nodded. After what she had just told us, she could suggest we all dress as monkeys and swing from the light fittings as far as I was concerned.

‘I think it would be better to keep the visit a secret from Kezia and her little friends until Danni arrives in person. What do you say, jasmeena?’ Her eyes twinkled wickedly.

‘Yaaaaahoooooooooo!’ Jazz bellowed. She launched herself at Fiona, practically knocking her off balance, and flung her arms around her.

Fiona’s eyebrows shot up into her fringe and I had a ghastly sick feeling that she was going to shout at Jazz to get off. But all at once her face broke into a huge grin and she gave my funny friend a big squeeze back.

‘I’m pleased you like the idea,’ Fiona said, regaining her composure as Jazz released her.

‘LIKE it?’ Jazz squealed. ‘It’s an idea of total and utter genius-ness!
You
are a genius, Fiona! I LOVE you!’ she yelled, dancing round and round in circles, whooping and punching the air. Tyson rushed in to see what all the noise was about and joined in the victory dance, adding to the general hullabaloo.

Cupid came padding in too. He nudged me with his head and miaowed, ‘You sorted it then, Frizz-ball?’

I bent down and was going to say that I hadn’t yet had a chance, but Jazz was too quick for me. She picked him up and said sadly, ‘If only the Morrises don’t call. Then all my dreams will come true.’

We stood around awkwardly, making sympathetic noises, not knowing what to say. Cupid shot a beady-eyed sneer in my direction and growled menacingly. I tried to tell him with a tiny shrug that I was out of ideas.

Then Fiona was saying her goodbyes and ordering her son to leave with her. ‘Come along, Fergie dear. Your father will wonder what on earth has happened to us.’

As he followed his mum out he mimed a phone with his hand and mouthed, ‘Call me later.’

I would, I thought, as I said goodbye. If only to ask for his help in working out a solution to our second problem – how to stop Cupid leaving.

F
iona’s plan (code name: Operation Embarrass the Enemy) went without a hitch. The Head was only too pleased to keep Danni’s visit a secret. Apparently he told Fiona he would have ‘mass hysteria’ on his hands if he announced her arrival too early on.

‘Better that I tell the school there will be a special assembly at the end of the day. I’ll say we have a guest speaker coming – we have had those in the past. No one would ever suspect someone as exciting as Danni Minnow though!’ he had chortled. ‘We usually get the chief of the Fire Service or someone from the local council.’

So it was arranged that Danni would arrive while we were all in class and wait in the staffroom, out of sight. Meanwhile, Jazz would be given the enviable task of looking after Danni before bringing her to the hall. That would keep her from brooding about Cupid, I thought gratefully.

‘How did you persuade the Head to give a Year Seven such an important job?’ I asked Fiona.

‘Oh, I just mentioned how marvellous Jazz was as Danni’s personal assistant when we filmed
Pets with Talent
in the summer,’ Fiona said airily. ‘He thought it was a fabulous idea to have a pupil introduce the mystery guest. If Jasmeena is to have her moment in the sun, I am determined to make it shine upon her as brightly as possible!’ she declared.

Jazz was, of course, bubbling over with excitement. How she managed to keep herself from spilling the beans over the next few days, I have no idea. In fact, she actually kept an incredibly low profile, sticking to me like glue at break and lunch times, and even getting me to walk with her to and from street dance and music classes.

‘All this pretending is great practice for my future career on stage and screen,’ she confided in me at one point. ‘It’s called “character acting” – you know, when you live the life of the character you’re trying to portray.’

‘But, Jazz, you really and truly
are
the character,’ I pointed out. ‘In real life.’

‘Thank you!’ she said, completely misunderstanding me. ‘See? I must be getting the hang of it already. Hey, by the way, Cupid’s been acting really oddly. He doesn’t want to cuddle me so much at the moment. It’s almost as if he knows his old owners might come and get him at any minute. I couldn’t bear it, you know. I love my little Mr Snuggly toooo much—’

‘Yeah,’ I cut in hastily, ‘I know. Listen, don’t worry about it. Cats can be a bit stand-offish like that. Focus on Danni’s visit, eh?’

Jazz arrived at school on The Day with her hair freshly braided and beaded, and wearing some pretty obvious (and very non-regulation) glittery eye make-up. Her skirt seemed to have shrunk overnight as well.

‘You like?’ she trilled, waving her fingernails at me. They were false, like the ones she’d worn to try to impress Fergus the first time she’d met him!

I rolled my eyes. ‘Yeah, yeah, I like.’ Holy moly! How on earth had she got that lot past her mum?

Jazz cackled madly. ‘This is the best day of my liiiiife!’ she sang as we danced into school together, arm in arm, ignoring the strange looks from everyone around us.

Danni arrived later that day in her trademark black limo and was greeted outside the gates by Fiona, the Head, Jazz, Fergus and me. As she peeled herself out of the sleek black car, she immediately made eye contact with Jazz and winked. In fact, the first person she spoke to wasn’t Fiona Meerley; it wasn’t even the Head. She walked right up to Jazz and threw her long tanned arms around my best friend’s neck.

‘Hey chick!’ she cooed, kissing Jazz on both cheeks. ‘It’s awesome to see you again. You look a-maz-ing too in that cute little uniform. I’m
loving
the accessories, girl!’ she trilled, running her perfectly manicured hand over Jazz’s bangles.

Jazz was so chuffed that for once in her life she was completely and utterly speechless.

‘So, show me round, why don’t you?’ Danni purred, linking her arm through Jazz’s and winking at me.

We took Danni into the staff room and made her a coffee while she charmed her way round all the male teachers and amused the female ones by swapping fashion tips and telling them hilarious celebrity anecdotes. Then the bell rang and it was time for the assembly. As Fergus and I went back to our classrooms to leave Jazz to her moment of glory, I found myself thinking about that blinking cat again. It was weird how I had been desperate to see the back of him and yet now, seeing my best friend so happy, chattering away to her idol, I found myself wishing harder than ever that she would be able to keep Cupid. She was right: it
would
mean all her dreams coming true in one fell swoop. And even though I didn’t think I would ever be totally cool with being called ‘Frizz-ball’, there was something about his rascally character that I realized I was beginning to warm to.

I filed into the hall with my class. The atmosphere was the usual: a low hum indicated people were talking quietly as they waited, but they weren’t really interested in what they were waiting for. It was obvious by the total lack of enthusiasm that no one suspected a thing. But then, why should they? Assemblies with guest speakers were usually as sleep-inducing as a visit to a hypnotist.

My heart was somewhere in the region of my mouth and was doing a jumpy-hoppy-skippy routine – it was almost enough to make me throw up. I was nervous for Jazz and excited for her at the same time.

A hush descended on the hall as the Head walked on to the stage and did his usual spiel about what a good week we had had and how important it was to keep working and thinking as a team. Then he said:

‘And now, I am absolutely thrilled to introduce our guest speaker. She is a lady who is no stranger to hard work and I’m sure she’ll inspire you the way she’s inspired millions of others already with her gift and talent for music and her determination to succeed. Please put your hands together to welcome . . .
Who’s Got Talent?
’s DANNI MINNOW!’